Summary: When a new gym teacher is enlisted to South Park Elementary's staff, he takes no prisoners with whipping the kids into shape, with Cartman, especially, not getting any slack. But he manages to find his own way around the hell that is gym class: By actually performing better than his fellow students! But what's his secret? And what does it have to do with...chicken fat? Presenting the sequel to my 1st South Park fanfic, please go read it if you haven't already, Cartman Diet, in order to fully understand what's going on. Now, on with the story!

"Twenty-five! Twenty-six! Twenty-seven..."

The fourth grade boys all performed sit-ups as their teacher counted. Each boy grunted in pain as they felt their abdominal muscles tightening and releasing, keeping up with the teacher's counting. One boy, however, was feeling absolutely no pain. Eric Cartman had been allowed to sit out the sit-ups due to a doctor's note saying he had a "pulled abdominal muscle" and was ordered to rest it as much as possible.

"Thirty!" the gym teacher concluded as the boys all groaned in relief. "Alright, boys," the teacher said, "Just a couple of cool-down stretches and you can all hit the showers."

"Ahh!" Cartman sighed contentedly. "Good gym class today, eh, guys?" he said contentedly while putting on his brown jeans.

"How would you know, fatass?" asked Kyle irritably. "You always sit out every gym class in the bleachers."

"Duh!" said Cartman, "That's why it was a good class."

"You're lucky Mr. Davis is such a pushover," said Stan, lacing his black shoes, "You wouldn't last five minutes doing actual exercise."

"How do you know, Stan?" spat Cartman. "You've never even seen me workout. Maybe I'm just too nice to show all you assholes up." He then made a "muscle" with one of his chubby arms to prove his point.

"Even with Lightweight Davis teaching us, there's no way you could 'show any of us up', lardboy," said Kyle.

Cartman narrowed his eyebrows in anger and pointed an accusing finger at his Jewish friend. "You're just lucky gym class is over, Kyle; I'd of mopped the floor with you in any exercise."

"You just might get your chance," said a nasally voice nearby. Craig approached them, fully dressed as he continued. "I hear Mr. Davis is retiring and that their bringing in a new guy to replace him."

"We're getting a new gym teacher?" asked Kenny after securing his orange hood.

"Phhft, whatever," said Cartman. "I'll have this new teacher eating out of my hand in no time."

"I wouldn't count on it," said Craig in a monotonous but slightly worried tone. "I hear he's pretty tough."

"Who knows?" said Kyle. "Maybe we'll finally get to see Cartman 'wipe the floor' with us next week."

"Sorry to disappoint you, Kyle," said Cartman in a haughty tone, "but I've been excused from gym class everyday since the start of the semester. And this new teacher isn't gonna change that."

"We'll see," said Kyle replacing his green ushanka.

Cartman finished dressing himself and hummed contently as he left the locker room.

"...a real nice time." Cartman heard from the teacher's office. "But I guess it was my final go around."

"You're gonna be well-remembered here Mister Davis, M'kay?" Cartman heard Mr. Mackey say. Cartman crept closer to the door and listened in as Mackey continued. "But don't you worry about the students. We have selected a real, well-qualified replacement, m'kay? Who promises to "whip the students into shape". M'kay?"

Cartman couldn't help but snicker. He hasn't had to participate in gym for years and no fresh-out-of-college buttlicker was gonna change that.

Then, Cartman heard a door fly open and his eyes became as wide as saucers. The man who entered the room looked like a candidate for the Mr. Universe pageant.

"Mr. Mackey! Mr. Davis!" he cried in a drill instructor like voice. "I WILL GIVE YOU MY 100% GUARANTEE THAT BY THE TIME I AM DONE WITH THE CHILDREN AT THIS SCHOOL, THEY WILL BE THE MOST PHYSICALLY FIT STUDENTS IN THE STATE IF NOT THE COUNTRY!"

"Oh, fuck!" Cartman shout whispered. As he did, the new teacher's eye connected with his.

"INTRUDER!" The teacher cried. Cartman cried out and quickly tried to escape but he only managed to fall over as the teacher advanced on and stood over him.

The other boys witnessed Cartman on his face and froze as the new teacher plucked him off the ground and to his feet.

"GOOD MORNING, FUTURE STUDENTS!" he said in the same forceful voice. "IN LIGHT OF MR. DAVIS' RETIREMENT, STARTING NEXT MONDAY, I WILL BE YOUR PHYS ED. INSTRUCTOR."

The boys looked to each other, unsure of what to say.

"You may refer to me as either Mr. Heartman or Sir during class. Come prepared to work and to sweat, and we'll get along just fine."

Cartman scoffed and Mr. Heartman glared at him.

"If I spot any evidence of laziness….I will snuff it out."

He came down to Cartman's level. "I've seen your profile, Mr. Eric Cartman...and I certainly hope you don't think you're getting away with the same performance under my supervision." He said with a slight snarl.

Cartman gulped audibly as Heartman rose.

"I look forward to giving and getting 120%..." He looked to Cartman again. "...from ALL of you." He turned to rejoin Mr. Mackey and Mr. Davis and as he shut the office door behind him it echoed with a loud SLAM! Cartman felt himself unable to move as the boys began to file out of the gym.

"Well... he seemed...intense," said Stan.

"Looks like he already likes YOU, Cartman," Kyle said sarcastically.

Cartman was still frozen as the gym emptied but finally said in a breathy tone when he was alone, "My God."