Happy birthday to meeeee! This is a self-present, which is what you do when you bestow upon yourself a birthday gift in RL. Happy birthday, Nir! (Thanks!) You're welcome!
Okay, almost. My birthday's on the 21st but knowing me, I won't upload anything, so really, I just posted a story I wrote weeks ago and should have posted sooner. It's more of a present to all of you than to me, actually.
And this is so definitely not what actually happened. I am a horrible person. Let this story make up for my awfulness.
"Sit down," said Eönwë.
Elrond and Elros sat.
"Now," said Eönwë, standing before the Peredhil brothers. "I have already told you what the Valar have decided. You both must choose the life of the Firstborn or the Secondborn, and you have to do it today."
"Yup, I heard," said Elros very disrespectfully. "What about it?"
Eönwë frowned. "Well...have you made your decisions?"
"Nope," Elros said. "Why?"
"You're supposed to make them today," said Eönwë in exasperation. "That's what they said."
"Oh mighty Maia, Herald of Manwë," Elros said dramatically, and paused. "Yeah, I've decided to not make my decision today."
"Me neither, pass it on," Elrond said, speaking for the first time in two hours.
"Pass it on?!" sputtered Eönwë. "You're speaking to the Valar here! That is so disrespectful!"
"We Noldo tend to be disrespectful," Elros said with a glint in his eyes.
Eönwë stomped out of the room, the glittering wings he had chosen in this form clamped tightly to his back.
Elrond and Elros high-fived.
"All right," Eönwë said, standing in front of the twins again. "I have contacted the Valar, and they are fortunately only a little annoyed at you. They told me to relay a message. 'One of you must choose the life of the Firstborn, and one must choose to go with the Secondborn.' If you don't, then both of you have to work for Lord Círdan and build ships for him forever. How does that sound?"
"Fabulous," Elros said. He and Elrond leaned closer and whispered for a little while, then they sat up and shook their heads.
"We can't decide yet, can we have some more time?" Elros asked politely, unlike earlier.
Eönwë gave them both suspicious looks. "How long?"
"Just a day," Elrond assured him with a charming smile.
Eönwë hesitated, then nodded. "Fine, you can have one more day to decide. Tomorrow at this time, I expect to hear your Choice."
"Right," they said, and this time they were the ones to leave the room, but they dashed away excitedly instead of stomping out.
Eönwë flicked his wings and stared after them mistrustfully.
"Okay!" said Elros, bounding into the tent where Eönwë was currently digging through a massive stack of papers. "We've made our Choices!"
Eönwë dropped the papers and turned eagerly. "You have?! What are they?"
Elrond appeared at the doorway and joined his brother. They both tossed their dark heads proudly, then announced, "We're both going to decline making our Choices until the Valar say that both of us can choose the same life! Both of us want to be of the Firstborn!"
Eönwë smacked himself, then pushed past them and flew away.
The twins waved as he vanished into the sky.
Eönwë flopped into a chair in Elrond's and Elros' tent. "Nope," he said. "The Valar have said that one of you must be an Elf, and the other must be a Mortal."
"The Valar are stupid," Elros said.
Eönwë gaped at him. "Excuse me?!"
"You didn't hear that," said Elrond.
Eönwë left with drooping wings and flapped unsteadily away.
Eönwë landed with a very tired look on his face. This time, the twins were waiting in the courtyard for him.
"So!" said Elros. "What have the Valar decided now?"
Eönwë sat on the ground. He was too exhausted to do anything else. "You still have to choose to be of the Firstborn and the Secondborn, but they've basically made your Choice for you. They've made it very simple – whoever it the most handsome is to be the Elf."
"Say that again?" Elros said.
"Whoever's more handsome gets to be the Elf and live forever," Eönwë said again, and then slowly flopped forward to lay face-first on the ground.
Elrond and Elros gave him an odd look. "The Valar do know we're identical twins, right?"
"Mmmmffff," said Eönwë.
The twins looked at each other and suddenly made their decision. Turning so the other couldn't see what they were doing, they yanked out their knives and raised it to their faces –
"Wait!" Eönwë gasped out, managing to sit up. "What are you doing?"
Elrond and Elros looked at him. "We're making the ultimate sacrifice, of course," they said.
"If I have a scar on my face, then I'm uglier and Elrond will be of the Firstborn," Elros said.
"Same here," said Elrond.
Eönwë fell over again and hit his head on the ground. It wasn't supposed to be possible for a Maia to have a headache, but he did. "Why does it have to be so confusing?" he moaned. "This doesn't even make sense."
"The Valar are the ones not making sense," Elros said.
"Your face doesn't make sense," Elrond said.
"Your face doesn't make sense!" said Elros insultedly.
"I was talking to Eönwë," Elrond said.
"Oh."
"This wasn't even supposed to happen this way, what did I do wrong?" Eönwë whispered, still hitting his head on the ground. "Help, somebody help."
It started raining.
Eönwë screamed as his feathers got wet and soggy. "Is it too late to join Morgoth?!"
Elros and Elrond put their knives away and ran to jump in the puddles.
Eönwë just lay there weakly in front of Manwë, Varda, and most of the other Valar back in Valinor. He couldn't even pick his head up.
Nienna sat next to him and patted his wings comfortingly.
"I don't think any of that went the way it should have," Manwë said.
"Hmm...you're right," Varda agreed.
"What should we do?" Tulkas wondered.
"Let's just kill the twins and get it over with," Námo suggested gloomily.
"Let's not," said Yavanna.
"I know," Aulë said, tapping one open palm with his massive forging hammer. "We should wipe their minds and then send Eönwë again. This time let's tell him exactly what to say instead of letting him do whatever he wants."
"We could," Estë agreed. "Or we could just leave them be and let them both be of the Firstborn."
"No, that won't work," Varda disagreed. "Elros' role among the Secondborn is vital. He must choose that."
"Good luck with that," Námo said gloomily.
"Okay, everyone!" said Manwë. He had been thinking this whole time. "I have an idea!"
"Yay," said Námo gloomily.
"We're going to do exactly what Aulë said," Manwë decided.
"Can we wipe Eönwë's mind too?" someone asked hopefully.
"No," Manwë said.
"Aww," everyone chorused.
"All right, Eönwë," Varda said. "I just wiped their memory, you're up."
Eönwë managed to twitch one feather.
"Fine," said Manwë. "I'll just do it myself, using Eönwë's form. How does that sound?"
Everyone agreed that it sounded good.
Manwë switched forms and flew away.
"Well," said Varda. "Who's ready to party while he's gone?"
They had a party and used Eönwë as the table for the drinks.