Dirty Little secret
This is the last fic to 'What would happen' 'Full of Grace' and 'Blurry' at least for now.
Sara relied on everything and everyone else but when the darkness came it was just her… and him.
Sara's POV during 'Blurry'
Lyrics from "Dirty Little Secret" as sung by Sarah McLachlan
If I had the chance, love
I would not hesitate
To tell you all the things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late
Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight
I knew that we were running and hiding each night after the shells were forgotten we would tumble or not.
But it was just another little secrete we were keeping and I had kept my fair share of them, too many in fact that it was killing me and sometimes it was hard to separate the real me from the one I created in the lab.
It was because of him, the real him I should say it was because of him that it didn't hurt all that much to walk into that world. It didn't hurt so much when the bad guys. Six months of this running and hiding, it was easy. He made it easy because when we were real we didn't need to follow the routine the pretences would have to.
Like the routine I had followed with Grissom, the cat and mouse game we had… I would chase and for a moment I would wonder if I had him that time only to discover he had escaped once more.
With the real him I didn't have to worry about that…. I had caught him six months ago and he hadn't left just yet.
As easy as that was it still scared me… we clung to each other and for the first part of this secrete I could assure my self it was nothing more then a release. But as the months grew on and our real selves grew stronger I would hold back new words I wanted to say and it scared me because I was pretending once more… I was pretending like those words were poison and that I truly couldn't feel that.
That wasn't the real us… the real us needed and feared we never healed we couldn't. so I fight this new beast-- howling only when I'm with him.
My shell had to grow back in the other world just to cage them both.
I've been up all night drinking
To drown my sorrow down
Nothing seems to help me since you went away
I'm so tired of this town
Where every tongue is wagging
When every back is turned
Their telling secrets that should never be revealed
There's nothing to be gained from this
But disaster..
Here's a good one..
Did you hear about my friend
He's embarrassed to be seen now
because we all know his sins
I know he was seeking me out when the real him escaped but I couldn't see him I couldn't fight back those words when I saw him.
I drank to keep the real me and this new feeling at bay, I should have gone to him for our daily routine. Being our true selves only for the other had exercised the demons each night… the nightmares would stay away from our light as we melted together.
The burning liquid didn't help… it didn't push the demons away but it numbed the howling, but with the numbing it allowed more thoughts to be unleashed. I look out into that bright and blinding world, knowing it was wearing me down.
It knew all my dark fears and I wish I had the courage to pretend around him… enough to keep what I truly felt about him away.
I know in the lab they could already tell, they knew something was different our pretences were wearing away-- the casts were fading away leaving the real us there. Grissom knew, he showed it when he looked at me trying to prove to me that what I had during those dark filled nights away from the pretences wasn't worth fighting for anymore wasn't worth pretending for anymore.
My pretence didn't care… it couldn't listen to Grissom my real self was all that mattered now and it was because of the real him-- my real Nick that it didn't matter and it scared me.
If I had the chance love
You know, I would not hesitate
To tell you all the things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late
He finds me in the lab… the real him does and even as his pretence greets me I know it was the real him that was looking at me. I kept my pretence in tact and so strong that I have to look away at the new fear in him when he doesn't see the real me.
It should be easy for me… I've been pretending for a lot longer then he has, I've had a long time to get use to keeping the real me caged away from the world. But it is far from easy, because even though I've pretending a lot longer then him I never had to pretend to keep those feelings away.
With Grissom it was just part of the act to show him love… to show him my need for him it was apart of our act. But I couldn't do that with Nick… the feelings were never apart of the pretence, the feelings I have for him now can never be seen by the world because they were real and they would be hurt.
Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight
Oh, I am willing to give up this fight..
I had been using my pretence for so long to keep myself happy… to prove I could be warm at night but when he showed up… when I saw the real him I knew it couldn't last. I couldn't use my ideals anymore.
I pushed him away… I pushed away all that we had created over the past six months, I even used Catherine to do so. I chose my pretence over him to try and cling to something that had kept me company years before I ever met him.
But he was still new to having two personas… one for those who loved us and one for him to be happy.
He didn't call out for me… if he did that then we both knew the fight would be over and I couldn't carry on fighting when the shells fell and our worlds collided with the one we pretended for.
Catherine knew something was different, the way she watched him and tried to use some unspoken language to discover the change in him. But the real me is happy that she can't do that while the pretence doesn't miss a step.
The real me also cries out when Grissom stops giving me those looks… the ones to prove we were doing something wrong. My pretence was so much stronger now that even Grissom believed in it.
But it was killing me.
If I had the chance love
You know, I would not hesitate
To tell you all the things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late
Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight
Oh, I am willing to give up this fight..
I sat alone in my cage trying to keep the real me away… keeping the cage on that baying animal firmly closed. But I knew it was over I knew my fight was over when he came to my door.
The lust and the need had won him over and as I tried to keep my pretence in check he saw me… the real me fighting to get free, tiring the pretence out and wearing it away just that little more.
Our kisses are slow… they are different from the ones that have consumed us before and as we tumble I know the pretence lays broken beyond repair. But for now the real me has him-- the real him to lay there with and until the new day came I didn't have to worry about what I had to fix.
He follows our routine as he prepares to rebuild our shells to face another day of pretence… but even as he tries to do this I know the pretence isn't going to be there, it won't be there anymore when I step into the lab.
The real him isn't strong enough yet and I doubt mine will ever be that strong but the real me still wanted to fight.
"Nick" even as the word slips from my month I knew the real me was never going to be caged again. It wasn't the hours of being locked away from the world that was making the real me stronger… it was the new feeling it had gained, somewhere along the line over the past six months the real me had combined my fear, my lust and my need for the real him and made something so much stronger that I never understood that my pretence was giving up the fight.
He must see it, the real him always could because as he tries to rebuild his shell I know it will never be intact again because we had merged them and with mine laying broken he's would never be strong enough.
"Don't go" I wish I could have said the three words I needed to say but with his pretence so close I didn't wanted to smash what ever this thing we have.
He nods and I know he understands because our unspoken language was strong enough for him to understand.
My shell was broken and when we step back into the lab it wouldn't be a pretence but the real me everyone saw.
I wasn't healed I wasn't whole but I was strong enough to face the world, the pretence had given up the fight months ago.
I just wished that when the time came for us to step back into the other world that the real him was strong enough to face the pain, the hurt and the blinding light to stay with me.
I was willing to give up the fight for him… I just hope he was willing too.
The end
This isn't an am rambling this is a midway through being ill rambling… the wonders of a flu and cold pills.
I hope this lived up to the hopes for this series of stories and that I didn't go way out of character for Sara and Nick. Thanks to meg-Breanne, GSRFAN27, jdcocoagirl, Mma63 and loijse for the reviews of the other stories.