The Pie of Eternal Yumminess
By Convoy Smith and Loagvoy Mickel
Once there was a pirate named Assassin Alex. He had a friend who was a ninja. His name was Bunko Buccaneer. Alex and Bunko grew up together in Vallahalla, Georgia where they spent their summers chasing frogs and eating from the mashed potato plants of greater Vallahall County.
One day, however, it was time to grow up and go to college. Both Alex and Bunko enrolled at the local university, Vallahalla Kensington. Assassin Alex decided to pursue Piracy as his major, with a Master's degree in Aaarrrrgh! Bunko Buccaneer, however, decided he would study Ninjitsu.
So the two went their separate ways, but they swore they would always remain good friends. And like pie.
Thirty years passed. Then one day Assassin Alex stumbled across a secret treasure map leading to the ultimate pie. The treasure map was coded with the following mysterious number: 3.1415926087. Alex had no idea what the number meant. So he turned the map upside down and said "Ooga Booga" and the map exploded into flame. Alex screamed like a girl and dropped the map into a pot of lava, that was sitting conveniently nearby. To his surprise, another map had appeared in the lava.
Using his shotgun arm, which he had purchased at Babies R' Us during their special 75% off all baby clothes and firearms sale, he dug out the new map. It read:
"Avast ye pie-eaters! If ye be looking for me ultimate pie, I qualify you for the work. Oh great and Master Degreed one! Aaargh! It be hidden by a ninja scallywag that be Hades Lair. Which, as everyone knows, is in Las Vegas. In the Hades Casino, just left of the underworld buffet.
Yours Truly,
AAAArrrrgh the Viking"
Assassin Alex couldn't believe his luck. He had heard of the Eternal Pie of Yumminess as a child. He couldn't wait to sink his toothless gums into its golden crust and huckleberry filling.
Bunko Buccaneer was a fool! Alex thought to himself. He should have been a pirate like me. Now he'll never know the tasty goodness of the Pie of Eternal Yumminess.
Assassin Alex hitched a ride with Ironman as far as Utah, then was able to score a ride with Santa, who was going to Vegas for the E3 toy convention. Santa dropped him off at Hades Casino with a jolly chuckle and a reminder to be a good boy. Alex thanked Santa and made his way inside the murky, smoke filled depths of Hades Casino.
It didn't take him long to find Hades Lair. He followed the smell of cheap crab legs and cheap beer and stale cigarettes to the buffet, then turned left.
When most people hear Hades Lair, they think of fire and eternal darkness. But the real Hades Lair was nothing like that. Swimming pools and hot tubs everywhere, each full of lawyers. As soon as they saw Alex they attacked!
It was a ferocious assault full of pens, pencils, and other paper products. Alex fended off their subpoenas and court ordered injunctions with his rusty saber, then blew their heads off with his shotgun hand.
He worked his way through the throng of lawyers, black lawyer blood dripping down his vest. Until he met the formidable hobo lawyer. Who had a briefcase full of stank. Alex cringed as he opened it up. It was full of baby diapers full of petrified baby feces from 1832. Assassin Alex blanched at the smell.
Alex thought quickly. How would he get past the hobo lawyer? Those diapers were coming at him fast. 500 mph, to be exact. Then it came to him. Baked beans! He always kept a can of baked beans under his pirate jerkin, for such an occasion. He quickly blew open the top with his parrot's heat vision, added some pirate jerky, and threw the can off into the distance.
Success! The hobo lawyer hobbled quickly after it, excitedly singing old rail-car shanty to himself.
The lawyer threat gone, Alex cast his glance around the pools and hottubs, now empty except for gallons and gallons of black lawyer blood and lawyer heads. Where was the Eternal Pie of Yumminess hidden?
His eyes fell on a curious hatch in the smallest hot tub. It looked like a handle on a small man hole. Running closer to investigate, he saw it was a handle on a small man hole. He threw it open and dove in.
Darkness. He walked and walked. Slowly light began to come. He noticed the walls were purple. The floor was pink. The ceiling…well, there was no ceiling. Just darkness. Except for a big exit sign. Other than that though? Darkness.
And then…he saw it. The pie. And next to the pie. A ninja. Sitting on a goat. A goat with pie vision. But that is another story.
The ninja jumped off his goat.
"So, at long last, the secret of the Eternal Pie of Yumminess is uncovered. Hey, wait…do I know you?"
Alex couldn't believe it. It was his childhood friend, Bunko Buccaneer. The ninja. He hadn't seen him since Valahalla Community College Alumni Bake Sale thirty years before!
"Bunko! It's you!"
The ninja stared at him coldly. Then his expression lightened.
"A…Assassin Alex? Is that you?"
"It is me, you old barnacle thumper! Come here and give us a hug!"
The two talked for hours, relieving their days chasing frogs and eating from the mashed potato trees.
The talk of mashed potatoes made Alex hungry. It was time to taste the pie he had yearned after for so long.
"Bunko, me old mattie, enough chat. Hand me some of that pie, will ye?"
Bunko stared at him impassively.
"I can't let you do that," he replied evenly.
Alex was startled.
"Come on, me mate, let's have some of that pie."
"No."
"But we're best friends!"
"Yes, but friendship has boundaries. This pie…is one of them."
Alex couldn't believe what he was hearing. In a fit of rage he shot out from his chair and pointed his trusty saber, Bertha, at his one time friend.
Bunko was just as fast. In the blink of an eye he was on his feet and holding his trusty throwing star, also named Bertha.
The two stared at each other for a few seconds. Then Alex attacked.
He swung Bertha at Bunko, who stepped deftly aside and threw his Bertha in one fast movement.
He was reluctant to fire his hand-shotgun, for its warranty had expired. But he figured it was better than getting a Chinese star stuck in his forehead. So he blew it out of the air.
The pirate threw his parrot but he noticed the ninja was gone, then the pie came after him.
THE END ?