The Blessing they lost

[Their children give them a reason to hope for the bright future, a reason to live. And yet here they were, still breathing a year and a half after burying their seventh month old son, Brian Arthur Potter.]

Seventh, second day.

Never in her life had Ginny thought that the introduction to motherhood would involve three surgeries, grief and the death of a child.

Ginny never assumed that her son's illness would lead to losing him. She didn't want to believe that it was the last time she was holding the infant. Little Brian. Her baby that the healers failed to save. Just a month ago he was in her arms nestling in her chest and cooing. How could thing go downhill so quickly?

She would do anything right now to have her child back. To see him open his eyes again and hold her finger tightly like he always did but he wasn't coming back. Her baby was dead. Gone.

[They had fought seven months in battle along with their son. No matter how much they wished that their son was alright and healthy they couldn't avoid the inevitable. Yes, the diagnosis was a shock. Their son had a weak heart and could suffer from a heart attack anytime. But worrying wouldn't have changed anything. The duties of their child came first. The duties of caring for that child became a routine. They learned to handle emergency situations if any aroused. They programed and prepared themselves to administer medicines no matter how baffling it was. Brian was their first priority.]

Harry was grateful to the family who donated their infant's heart to Brian. Unlike Brian's, the heart was healthy and strong: it functioned wonderfully when all the clamps were released, but regrettably the surgery was a failure. They had sat back and spent twenty-one days in the hospital waiting for an organ donor for -one days on life support had taken a toll on their son. The healers couldn't stop the bleeding and Brian took his last breath that day.

The anguish that Harry felt was hard to describe. It was as if an invisible hand was pulling and squeezing and tearing up his insides. Still breathing but dying.

The healers had said that Brain would only be able to tolerate the heart and lung machine for two weeks. Brian had tolerated three. Even with the smallest of hope, they had left their baby in the hands of their healers, he knew the possibilities of survival were low, but even in his wildest dream he had not imagined that death of his child would be so overwhelming, devastating.

[A part of them was gone. It was amazing how in just seven months, the baby boy had become their life. They had come in a situation where it was impossible to think clearly. They were neither here nor there. Somewhere in the middle where they wished they could listen to the gurgling laugh of their son,see the toothless smiles that made their day. Harry can still remember the laughter that rang through the nursery room as he blew raspberries on his son's stomach to make him laugh in delight. The gentle sigh as he slept in his arms and even the late nights spent trying to coax their son. Ginny reminds her self every time how she would give anything to give Brian one more bath, to stroke his hair and sing him to sleep. She sees her baby's face on the jar of peas as she moves down the baby food aisle—the last solid food he ever ate. The time they spend alone are the most difficult. When they are with their thoughts, their questions. Did he cause this? Did the glass of wine she had consumed when she didn't know she was pregnant led to this? Why should my child suffer? Why should their family suffer from separation and endless medical appointments and surgeries? Why should my baby boy die?]

Seventh month, first day.

"I'm sorry Mr. Potter," The Healer spoke quietly, eyes downcast and never meeting his. "I'm afraid, we couldn't save the baby."

Harry stared at the Healer. He knew the result as soon has the healers had exited the room, but somehow he couldn't believe him. The words washed over him and he understood the meaning but it was as if all his feeling and emotions had deserted him. He was vaguely aware of Molly crying behind him.

"Brian's condition was frail," the Healer continued, "He stopped breathing halfway through the surgery." His stare was making the healer uncomfortable. Maybe he should say something, but he didn't, he couldn't. "We tried our best but several days on life support had taken a toll your son's body. He couldn't handle it." He said, "There are grieve counselling available—"

It hit a tidal wave then. He looked straight at the healer, the words sinking in, the reality hitting hard. He wanted to shout; scream at the Healer, accuse him of killing his son. But it seemed like his brain had stopped thinking, a sudden numbness washing over him.

"Our heart goes with you and your family, Mr. Potter" With a nod, the healer scurried away; unaware that Harry had hardly listened to him at all.

Ginny's grip on his arm tightened, her face hidden beneath her red hair, for a moment she looked eerily calm, her eyes staring at him, already looking empty, her lips pressed in a thin line.

"Ginny."

She didn't even move when he called out to her. But then she closed her eyes, drew a breath that shook her frame and turned her head away. For a few seconds nothing happened, then Ginny's grip broke; her lips quivered, her face crumbled and tears cascaded down her face before she could stop them.

"H-Harry."

Harry's breath hitched slightly and quickly pulled her into an embrace, her head resting against her shoulders as he held her with both hands.

"Harry!" Ginny wept, her hands carrying a fistful of Harry's shirt as she clung to him. "My baby," she cried, face red, "Brian! My baby!"

Grief sliced Harry's heart like a blade, his tears finally finding their way down as he buried his face in Ginny's hair, her sobs mixing with his own. Breathing was difficult, every breath bringing a sharp pain in his chest, the numbness long ago replaced with a fierce anguish.

Few minutes later, Harry felt a warm presence bringing both of them in an embrace and he closed his eyes at the motherly touch that only one person could bring. He looked up at Molly, who gave a wavering smile wiping away the tears on his cheeks and proceeding to do the same for her daughter. She held them both, brushing a small kiss to both of their heads, as they clung to her, seeking the small bit of comfort that radiated off her.

"It's alright," she whispered. "It's all going to be okay."

They didn't believe her.

[They both walked into the white room together, supporting each other as they walked towards the cot in which their baby was kept. Never in their life would they ever forget the white cloth covering their baby's face. Ginny took a shuddering breath, remembering how many times she had regularly checked Brian's blanket, so that it was not covering his face. The baby could die! He would suffocate! Harry felt the tears once again filling his eyes as he caught glimpse of his son's face when the cloth was removed, the tuft of dark red hair, bound to be as messy as his own, at the closed yes, imagining the warm brown shade they held beneath just like Ginny and the already turning blue lips from which he had brought so many smiles and laughs. It terrified him, that he was holding his dead child in his arms. So light, so frail. It was difficult, quite painful to realize that Brian, their beautiful, beautiful boy was not with them anymore. Oh Merlin, they couldn't breathe.]

Six month, ninth day.

This couldn't be happening. Harry shared a horrified glance with Ginny, the latter on the verge of tears. The healer gave both of them pity glances, before directing them towards his office.

"Your child needs a new heart Mr. and Mrs. Potter." The healer said, passing over some scrolls of parchments to them.

"It's a complicated process, Brian's heart has altogether stopped working, but with your consent we can apply for a heart donor and if we get a heart soon enough, it may save your son's life."

Harry pressed his lips together, eyes scanning at the papers in front of him. Ginny was already picking up a quill to sign on the necessary documents. Even with a request for a heart donor, there was a big chance that Brian might not survive and it petrified him. The thought of their small boy's body lying dead in his arms haunted him.

"Your name is on the very top of the list, Mr. Potter," The healer assured him. "As soon as we have any news about the donors, we would inform you, we can only hope that that is soon."

"Thank you." Ginny murmured, "C-Can we see him?"

The healer nodded, but there was a small hesitancy on his face. "He is under constant observation of the healers; let's just say that your son is currently very….frail" he winced.

"We want to see him." Ginny firmly said and Harry wondered how she could sound so strong right now. Harry knew that if he opened his mouth, he would break down.

[They visited little Brian, who looked lifeless inside the glass they had kept him in. Ginny tried calling out to him, smiling behind the glass as she sung a soft lullaby; silent tears running down her cheeks because his son looked in pain; even though his eyes were closed and he was likely to be unconscious. Harry couldn't believe how things were starting to fall apart so quickly. They spent as much time as they could looking at their son's still body. Days passed, there was no information about any donor, the tension grew. When Brian exceeded his supposed death date assumed by the healers, (that was two weeks) Ginny and Harry refused to leave the hospital. What if it was the last time they were seeing their son? What if it was the last day with him? Then the faint hope arrived. Three weeks after they had applied for a heart donor, an American family donated their infant's heart. The healers took their son away for the surgery, and all Ginny and Harry were left of was the faint hopefulness and desperation that their son could survive that whole thing. It was hard. It was hard to just sit there and wait while their son was on the brink of death. When he could die any moment, any second.]

Sixth month.

"Harry, do you have the blanket with you?"

"Yes."

"Don't forget to take the potions, we have to administer it in every few hours."

"I have it all here."

"Make sure Brian is wearing his socks on both of his feet." "That was one time!"

"Do you have his bottle? And an extra change of clothes-Oh! Don't forget the nappies!"

…

"Ginny! Have you seen Brian's cardigan? The green one?"

"What's wrong with the orange one he is wearing?"

"He may or may have not vomited all over it…"

"Is he alright?"

"Yes, yes he is…. Gin, the cardigan?"

"Oh, right. Here."

"We will have to give him the potions again; do you think he can handle it?"

"I don't know Harry but he has to." "Here hold him, I'll summon the vials."

….

"Nappies and lotions?"

"Check."

"What about the pacifier?"

"Check."

"Bottles and formula?"

"Check."

"Did you disinfect the bottles and pacifier, Harry? And his toys too, he likes to put them in his mouth."

"Certainly."

"Good. I think we are ready to go."

[They were always unsure and insecure about taking Brian anywhere outside the safety of their house. Hours were spent checking and re-checking little Brian's necessities. Neither wanted to risk his safety. Not when their son had already been on the verge of death two months ago. Ginny panics the moment Brian is out of her sight. The worry never ends. Harry is always at alert at work. What if something happens to his son and he isn't there? Their life now revolved around Brian. And no matter how stressful these past months were, they wouldn't trade it for anything. They only wanted Brian to be healthy, happy and content; and Harry and Ginny would do anything to make that happen. As long as Brian was alive, they are happy.]

Fourth month.

"Hi, Brian." Harry called out softly to the child, trying to soothe him as Brian rose from the pallet on the ground, one side of the face red and lined from sleep. Finding himself alone, the corners of his mouth turned down, his lower lip pouted. His ginger hair was matted to the side of his face when he woke.

At Harry's greeting, Brian turned his watery eyes at him, chubby fists reaching to rub them. Harry was already off the couch before anyone else, and had gathered the small boy in his arms before he could let out a cry or try to crawl away to carry out another assault on the Christmas tree which currently had the lower branch hanging awkwardly when he had tried to grab the lowest branch with his chubby fist.

Brian buried himself in Harry's neck, clutching the front of Harry's Weasley jumper with his tiny hands when Harry scooped up the bundle clad in orange Chudley Canon pajamas that clashed horribly with his hair. A gift from Ron. His son was already dampening his collar with drool as he snuggled closure and Harry settled back on the couch.

Never remembering to carry a burp rag with him to try and prevent wet spots from forming, Harry had almost all his shirts and robes with various stains of drool, milk or even worse. Harry placed Brian on his lap, allowing him to watch Ron and Ginny play a game of chess. Brian let out an amused laugh as Ron's knight destroyed Ginny's bishop. Every now and then he would laugh when the chess pieces destroyed each other, never finding it boring causing Ginny to brush a small kiss on his waving tiny hand.

"Little floor-monster is awake," Ron smirked, earning him a light kick at the back from Harry and a smack from Ginny. Ron had named Brian that after being followed by the crawling baby all around the house once. 'I can't even go to the loo!' Ron had complained.

Ron and Ginny went back to their game as Brian became interested in his socks, tiny hands reaching to grab at them what Harry was sure was an unsuccessful attempt to get them off. Harry relaxed on the couch and close his eyes, Brian continued playing with his foot. The four month old baby would occasionally grab his sleeve, demanding his attention, Mrs. Weasley could be heard humming along with Celestina Warbeck on the wireless in the kitchen, Teddy and Victoire's squeals and laughter rang throughout the house. It felt a surreal experience but Harry felt blessed.

[Five months into fatherhood and Harry felt like it was his greatest achievement. He worries about doing something wrong every time he is near Brian, but then the baby smiles at him, giving him one of those toothless grin and the anxiety fades away. With Brian, it was a beginning of new life for Harry and Ginny. And somehow, this life felt was a better one. They couldn't imagine what would happen if they lost him.]

Third month.

Ginny's hands shake severely as she tries to grab the styrofoam cup filled with tea from Harry. Harry held the cup in place not allowing the hot drink from spilling and never leaves until Ginny finishes her drink.

"Go home." Harry insisted.

"How can you even suggest that? I can't." Ginny brushed his hand away and Harry let out a sigh of frustration.

"You need to rest. When was the last time you slept? Actually no, don't answer that, when was the last time you ate anything?"

"You can't tell me what to do Harry." Ginny's eyes flashed with annoyance but Harry took no notice of that, instead he sat close to her, brushing her knotted messy hair.

"I know you don't want to leave his side, but you can't neglect your health." Harry began softy, "You can't take care of Brian in this condition."

Ginny's eyes soften slightly and she exhales deeply.

"What if something happens? What if he has trouble breathing again when I'm not here?" she turned her panicked eyes on him, "He turned blue in my arms Harry. The healers said he couldn't breathe! And I didn't even notice it—if you weren't there—Merlin! He could have died!"

"Gin, love, calm down," Harry immediately pulls Ginny into a hug, "Brian is alright now, he is fine! There is no need to think about…about that, yeah?" Looking back, Harry kissed her forehead. "I'll be here with him, okay? You can go home, take a shower and have a small nap. Go to your Mum's for all I care, but please Gin, you—we can't go on like this. I'll take care of everything here, trust me. I won't let anything happen to Brian now. We are going to feel alright."

[That day they both felt failures as parents.]

Second month.

"Harry mate, I love you alright but if I have to hear one more time about how adorable Brian is, I might kick you."

"Ronald! You don't have to be so rude!"

…

"Ginny dear, I think you can keep him down, he is not going anywhere."

"But look at him Mum, he is looking so cute!"

…

"Where is the little bugger?"

"Nowhere near you, if you use that language."

"He can't even understand what I am saying!"

"We've discussed this Ron. Ginny doesn't want his first word to be a swear."

…

"Look how peacefully he is sleeping in his mother's arm."

"Thank god for that."

"You are a great mother, Ginny."

"You really think that, Luna?"

"Yes, I do! Look how bravely you two managed the past difficulties. Little Brian is going to be extremely lucky."

"I…Thanks Luna."

[They both were fascinated by their little son. Harry wouldn't miss a chance to talk about Brian with anyone who would listen. Ginny would spend hours and hours with the baby alone, talking to him even though all she got was a gentle coo as a reply. Now that Brian was slowly gaining his healthiness back, and everything was slowly returning into a peaceful rhythm, Harry and Ginny felt like the happiest parents alive.]

First month.

Brian spent the first month of his life in the hospital. Their baby had congenital heart defect which was diagnosed as Hypo Plastic Left Heart Syndrome. The healers had explained that Brian's left ventricle had stopped growing and would require a series of three surgeries in the first two years of his life to reroute his blood.

Brian was immediately taken away by the healers when he was born. Ginny held the baby only when one of the healers brought him for feeding. Harry held Brian in his arms for the first time when he was one week old. The baby nuzzled closer to Harry, gripping his index finger with his tiny hand. The small bundle gave a sudden warmth in his heart and at that moment, Harry felt that he would burst from joy. Despite all the complications, when Harry looked at little Brian, the worry evaporated.

The moment little Brian was born, as his soft cry rang throughout the hospital room, Harry and Ginny knew they would love their son forever and ever and ever.

The End.

I know I know okay. But I couldn't help myself. This idea popped up at midnight and I couldn't stop writing.

If you like this then please leave a comment. Constructive criticism is always welcomed.

Also I have a tumblr account myshipsaredrivingmeinsane (lengthy I know) where you will be free to ask e any questions/ basically my blog is filled with random shits and various fandoms.