Kirito signs online and sees only Sinon waiting for him.
"Hey Sinon, where's Asuna?"
"Oh she's hitting the books irl. Big test coming up. She says you should study too if you don't wanna end up being a neet. Kinda hard to be a trophy husband if you're jobless and poorly educated."
"Did she say that or did YOU say that?"
Sinon takes a big toke and exhales.
"I may have taken some creative freedom with the paraphrasing... ANYWAY this gives us more time to talk."
Suddenly an NPC comes running toward them all bloody with big gauges all over his face.
"Brave wandering travellers you must assist!"
"Or not..." Sinon takes another toke.
Kirito grabs his shoulders and examines him.
"Jesus man you're a mess. Who did this to you in a safe zone?"
"He calls himself the black swordsman."
"Oh hell no... I'm the black swordsman!"
"YOU ARE?!"
"I...well I mean not the one who cut you up I mean I used to be called the black swordsman on sword art online cause my sword is black..."
"Everyone run for it! Tis the black swordsman here to kill more of our village!"
Some townie NPCs get up with farming weapons and look angry.
"Kirito just tell them you're not really the black swordsman!"
"No fuck that! I was the first. whoever this hipster is can think up a different name..."
All the NPCs start attacking but Kirito quickly defends himself. Their defenses are weak and even their hits aren't that good. They drop immediately.
"Who would get any pleasure out of slaughtering defenseless NPCs? This isn't even a challenge!"
"Well...you kind of are..."
Before Sinon realizes it Kirito has killed all but the jacked up commoner who came in running to begin with.
"So anyway there's two black swordsmen. THE BAD ONE who killed your family and...the good one. Me. Who killed your friends. I didn't really think that one through did I Sinon?"
"On the plus side now we REALLY get to be alone."
Suguha than signs online with her Leafy avatar.
"You know what? Imma just keep my mouth shut..." Sinon takes another hit of hookah.
Leafy looks around at all the dead peasants.
"I see the black swordsman was here..."
"Siguha don't act like you don't know I was the original black swordsman come-on now."
"YOU are to refer to me as Leafy in-game unless you want to go!" She unsheathes her sword and points it right at his neck.
"Don't make this weird Siguha...you have a tendency to do that. Look, I appreciate you wanna bond, you went out of your way to make a character and engage in this game with me, that's all very nice but..."
"I'm not here for you you self absorbed boob!"
"Well who else would you be here for?"
Andrew signs online and Siguha gasps in delight "THE BLACK SWORDSMAN!"
she runs toward him and they start putting their tongues all over each other in the most contrived and uncomfortable kiss in the world like neither one of them has ever done it before. She mutters to him "quifk, grab my boob while Kirito is looking" and when he does she flips off Kirito.
"Oh come-on!!!"
Sinon chokes on hookah. "Hah...Kirito is a cuck."
"That's not how that works Sinon! And you Andrew... what the hell are you doing calling yourself the black swordsman?! You know thats my thing!"
"Hey I'm black...why can't I be the black swordsman?"
"Cause you don't even have a God damn sword! You specialize in axe weapons!"
"I got my sword right here..."
He pulls Leafy closer and she's all giddy.
"And really Shauna?! Are you so immature and vindictive that you're going to date who I THOUGHT was my best friend just to get back at me because you can't deal with your emotional issues in a productive way...nevermind I live with you. That's EXACTLY how you would handle it."
"Come on my big strong swordsman! Let's go on a raid against I don't know...baby seals or something and leave these two losers to their own devices!"
Sinon yells in the background
"THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL IDEA..."
Kirito sits down and smokes hookah pointing the pipe at Andrew.
"So what you're a bad guy now? Cause I wouldn't go on a raid with you for being a jerk? Is that it?"
"I'm a bad guy Kirito because all my life I've tried being someone I'm not scared id just be another hood rat. You don't know... you COULDN'T know. Where anytime you show a little anger, a little disrespect, you're a thug, a delinquent, where if your grades slip you're just ghetto trash who won't amount to anything, where you gotta work twice as hard for half as much."
Leafy interjects "Just like the struggles of being a woman in a man's world!!!"
Andrew glances over at Leafy bored
"Yeah sure...ANYWAY. Life has handed you EVERYTHING Kirito. You got friends, you got tons of girls who want your dick, you're a hero both in game and out, what the hell do I got? I'm the black friend who can craft your gear for you sometimes...oh ta'nks you ma'ssa for the honor!"
"Oh come-on Andrew it's not like that..."
"It IS like that Kirito! My eyes were open for the first time when I had to survive that quest on my lonesome. So now I'M gonna be the black swordsman, I'm going to plow your hot sister, and I'm gonna do it all not based off your concepts of morality, not Sinon's over there, not even my own family's or religion, but my own! Forge my own path!"
Andrew grabs one of the hoses a dead NPC has in his hsnds, smokes it, and teleports out of there with Leafa carried in in his arms.
"Did I just get suckered into a shitty anime rivalry trope?"
"Yeah Kirito that sucks, he was your best friend...SOOOO what is your favorite band? Do you wanna meetup outside of game later?"
"I'm gonna follow him..."
Sinon high pitch squeals "noooo"
He grabs the commoner's dead hand for the hose, takes a puff, and jumps through the portal.
Sinon is by herself surrounded by dead bodies.
"SIGH...this is fine."
The shopkeep NPC comes up from his cellar and goes into a berserk rage mode glowing red "What the hell happened to my bar?!"
Sinon sighs again and follows suit to catch up with Kirito.