The child agreement.
Amy's biological clock is ticking, and she starts to hear it, when babysitting her cousin's 8 month old offspring for a week.
Sheldon agrees to give her a baby, after much thought and 25 pages worth of conditions.
But when Penny threatens to call his mother, and Amy's mother if they have this test tube baby. Sheldon attempts to fool her into believing that he and Amy are engaging in coitus.
Poppy.
"So…. I kind of need to sort things out with Rocky…" Amber explained, as Amy nodded, in agreement. But secretly, she thought that her cousin was making a big mistake. Rocky was an imbecile. He could barely string two words together, and his pants were always hanging down, exposing his not so appealing caboose. Plus, Rocky? what kind of a name was that, for a person..
The red faced, unbecoming infant, that Amber had recently given birth to was now, having it's way with one of Amy's pillows. Chewing on it, like some kind of animal. Amy could relate though, there are times when one just has to chew on a pillow. Still, there is a time and a place for such activities. Infants, obviously couldn't understand such boundaries.
"So.. I was wondering if you could. Perhaps… maybe… take Poppy for a few days… please, we're cousins remember…" Amber, stuttered, looking at her daughter, who was making a low growling noise.
"Granted, Amber.. We are cousins, sharing many a common ancestor…I figured that out when I was 18 months old, and you stole that pacifier out of my mouth.. While your mother, my mother's sister, threw up tobacco ash.." Amy recoiled at the memory. It was odd that she could remember so far back.
"Really.. That's…great.." Amber replied. She had gotten used to Amy's weird outbursts over the years. "Poppy seems to really like you.. You know I think she's going to be smart like you are!"
Amy just stared at the kid, after this remark. There didn't seem to be anything remarkable about the infant that lay sprawled on the couch. "In what way?" Amy asked, and then folded her arms.
"Well… get this. She can burp on command!" Amber said enthusiastically.. "Watch this.."
She picked up the baby and made odd, gurgling noises, towards the child's stomach area.
Granted the infant began to burp. But Amy could tell it was all for show.
"Wow.. She deserves PHD at least.." Amy said, unconvinced, and not even slightly amused. It was time to get real.
"I'm sorry Amber. But I am not very familiar with infants… I don't believe that I would make a suitable surrogate mother, while you rekindle your erotic intentions towards Rocky… that baboon, that you refer to as a man.."
"He's poppy's father…" Amber, gritted her teeth. Amy's bluntness, made her want to slap her sometimes. "She needs her father. Don't you remember what it was like, when your dad left? I don't want that for Poppy. And I don't want to be a single mother… Like our mom's were."
Amy sighed. Yes, it had been hard when her father had left the family when she was 7. She had never heard from him again. Perhaps it was best if Amber managed to entice Poppy's father back into the sack as it were. At least they would be a family, and maybe siblings would follow. Amy had always wanted a sister herself, but it had never happened.
"Fine… I'll take her.. But just you remember that this was your idea. I can't guarantee that the child will come out of this arrangement unscathed…" Amy explained.. Terrified at the thought of what she had just agreed to.
Amber was practically out of the door… "There's loads of jars of food in that bag.. And formula… I'll be back next Saturday…"
"Wait!" Amy screamed, "What about a schedule! I can't do this Amber! Please…. The child is looking at me, with a crazy glare… I think she is about to cry! As you are it's mother. I think…."
" It's your duty as a woman to look after a baby at least once, because we both know that you are not likely to have one any time soon…. Goodbye Amy!" Amber hissed, and shut the door. "Thankyou!" she shouted from the hall, her footsteps of haste echoing.
Amy huffed, and then went back to sit on the couch, next to the creature that was about to roll off, and kill itself. Amber really wasn't fit to be a parent at all, leaving her offspring with a complete stranger, in order to engage in some dirty weekend with a half man half baboon specimen. Technically she was this this infant's relation, but she had never met her before. Infact Amy hadn't seen Amber, since, she and Rocky were married, in Vegas of all places.
Amy picked up the child, and held it at arms length. She placed it on the floor… probably a safer option.
The baby looked at her… Oh dear lord, it was looking at her. It needed her. It wanted her to be there for it.
Amy weighed up her options, of people she knew might be able to handle this. Sheldon.. He would be useless. He always looked disgusted, when ever a child under the age of 5 came anywhere close to him.
She doubted he would be able to offer any comforting advice, except maybe to invest in a gas mask.
Amy began to text Penny.. She might know about babies… right?
I have suddenly acquired an infant child.. What do I do? I feel faint, and have accelerated heart rate.
Amy looked on at the baby on the floor, who was beginning to get agitated. The thing was huffing and puffing, and showing signs of distress, although not crying. It was lying on it's stomach, attempting to crawl. Still, looking up at her…
Amy's phone vibrated. A reply from Penny. And it seemed as though she had gotten the wrong end of the stick and had gone into to a lengthy rant… also it was the longest text she had ever received from her friend.
WTF. Wht Sheldon do. I kill hm. Bare hanz. Kil him… kil hm… I am going to kill him!
I swear Amy.. He will be dead, when I get my handz on hm…
Dis better not be a joke.. I'm comin over ther now. I kil him. Oh, I'l kil hm alright…
Call the hospitl… be there soon.. Jst breath. Everything is gonna be alright. Shd of told me…
Jst breath.. Oh shit..why god why… Im in my car… jst breath..
Amy could only assume that Penny, believed that she was in the act of giving birth.
Oh dear. She looked down at her stomach, and felt it.
"I really need to think about losing weight.." Amy said to herself, before replying.
Not to worry. The child is 8 months old, and not mine… Please don't kill Sheldon.. He has issues, but don't we all. I can't blame him, for the unfortunate relationship I have with my cousin Amber and her unfortunate offspring.. And hey.. You think I look pregnant.. Thanks a heap!
Amy hoped that her reply would be satisfactory. She looked down at the infant. It was really starting to caterwaul now.
Hmm. Infants crave attention. Maybe she should give it what it wants.
"There there. Aren't you a nice, creature" Amy began, plastering a fake smile across her face…. The infant screwed up it's own face in annoyance…. And continued to scream.
It wasn't working, the child could sense fear… It could see right through her façade.
"Ok… I'm bluffing.. I have no idea what to do… But we're stuck with each other for the next seven days, so get used to it babe!" Amy tried to explain…
It was no use… The child was in terrible distress now, lying on it's back and screaming…
Funny how something so small can make a person feel so helpless.
"Fine.." Amy groaned, picking up the baby, and sitting her on her knee… the crying didn't stop, but became less piercing.. "Between you and me. My mother was a bitch too. So we're in the same boat… Also I'm not too fond of Infants.. They make me sick to my stomach… But as long as we are clear…And also, my breasts, are not feeding device… just so we understand boundaries…. "
It was a miracle, the child had stopped crying.
Amy turned the Baby around in her arms, and looked at it cautiously… the infant was smiling, and the kid's whole face lit up when she smiled… then she began to chew on the sock that she had just pulled off of her foot, making a growling noise as she did it.
"Hmm…that's cute.." Amy sighed, finding herself gazing at the child's face, and into her eyes… "So that's you're trick is it… No wonder, people want to reproduce…"
Just then, there was a crash, and a dishevelled looking Penny, kind of flew into the apartment, flinging the door open…..
"Amy… I.." Penny breathed hard….. And then, came running in and the sighed with relief, when she noticed Amy and her "baby" sitting on the couch….."Hey.. You're baby's kind of big!"
"Well. What can I say… I guess, Sheldon and I produce giant offspring…" Amy glared at penny….."I can't believe you thought I was nine months pregnant!"
"Well… I'm not really sure how these test tube deals work…" Penny confessed, flinging herself down next to Amy, and the baby, who looked at her in surprise. "So you're babysitting… Thank god!"
"So, who is this…" Penny, gave the baby an awkward smile.
"I believe her name is Poppy.. Sorry Bestie, but this infant is adorable, more so than you I'm afraid… I may be distracted for the next few hours or so…" Amy, began to make strange, awing and ooowing sounds, as the baby, flapped her hands about… "I'll let you in on a little secret though….. I want one… I never knew how simplistically beautiful ….."
"Amy… I hate to break it to you.. But there's a ripe smell in this room.. And it sure as hell isn't me…" Penny, held her nose, and glanced at Poppy.