He rarely drank. He found it quite a nuisance to be out of control of his own will due to something as trifling as alcohol. Also, he was a teacher. He had a reputation and an example to uphold. Speaking of being a teacher, he had classes to teach the next day. But, this night was different. It was Lily's birthday.
Severus Snape was already on his nth drink. He wore an old black hooded cloak over his crouched form as he sat on a stool by the bar of Hog's Head. He raised his hand to motion the bartender to fill him up yet another glass of whisky.
Still, he could not erase the memory from his head. After eleven long years, Severus saw her eyes; Lily's eyes. Never did he ever imagine that he would see those eyes look right back at him again. The difference was Lily's eyes did not belong to Lily. They belonged to a boy. He remembered being... he did not know... when he saw that boy sit down at the Gryffindor table for the very first time in his life after he got sorted into the House. He was the Boy Who Lived. He was Harry Potter. He was Lily's son.
He somewhat pitied Harry. Dumbledore told him that he caught the boy looking into the Mirror of Erised earlier that evening, not know what was so important about that particular date. At least Severus had something that Harry did not; the opportunity to celebrate Lily' birthday. He chose, however, to celebrate it with mourning.
It was clear as day to Severus the last time he made an effort to celebrate her birthday.
Lily had not talked to him for days after he called her a 'mudblood'. Severus did everything that he could. He tried talking to her, sending owl posts, leaving chocolate frogs but nothing would appease Lily. She was too hurt. Severus could not contain his guilt. He must have Lily's friendship back. Lily was important to him…
He had a plan. Severus spent numerous sleepless nights on it. He knew the perfect time when he will execute it. Lily was always homesick whenever she celebrated her birthday in Hogwarts as her family was too far from reach. It was a long process. He played his plan over and over in his head just so he could make sure that he could make it right. In his head, he smiled, knowing that it will definitely work. He would have his Lily back.
This was the plan. He was to wait by the corridor going to the Double Potions class that he had with her to wait for her arrival. He would step out and block her path until she is forced to stop. She would give that slightly annoyed yet friendly look. Lily was always too kind. Severus would speak of how idiotic he was and of how he had only realized it when he had hurt her. He would say that she was important and that he did not want to lose her. She was family, more than family in fact. He would say that since her family was not around to celebrate her birthday with her then perhaps he could offer something that could compensate for her longing. Severus would raise his wand and summon a box, letting it float in front of her and open on its own accord as he knew Lily might be too stubborn to open it herself. He would make the gift lift itself out of the box and into her hands. It was a small music box. That was what he was spending his nights on as he created everything out of scratch. The base was made of yew wood, swirls and swashes engraved around it. He painted it such a way that when struck by light then silvery glitters would appear around the surface. The top was a small empty glass dome. Severus would ask her to say her name. After much protest, Lily would finally comply. Red smoke would have to appear inside the dome, revealing a photograph of her parents and her sister looking up and waving ecstatically at her with grin wide and bright. In addition, a song would play. It was an old tune that Lily's mother would always play on their family piano. Severus only heard it once when Lily hummed it for him during one of their talks. He would say that the music box will only start when she says her own name and it will only end when she says it again as the music box was made exclusively and especially for her.
Severus did not have to continue on next as he knew that Lily would be bound to forgive him after a stunt like that.
The day finally came. Severus was in his Slytherin robes, casually waiting by the edge of the corridor for Lily as planned. He looked calm but he was boiling with nerves from within. A smile slowly curled up his lips when he caught sight of the redhead but his smile quickly disappeared as his eyes darted towards her companion. Lily was grinning up at something that was said by that wretched James Potter. They talked animatedly as Potter walked Lily to her class. Severus felt a pang in his heart as he and Lily used to share that kind of enjoyment. He watched the pair pass him by. Potter did not notice him. Lily, on the other hand, caught sight of him in a fleeting moment before she returned her attention to Potter. She saw Severus like she did not know him.
Severus did not attend Double Potions. He went to the lake and threw the music box as far as he could into the water. That was when he realized that he had lost his Lily. Never will he use the word 'mudblood' ever again.
A small cough woke Severus from his drunken thoughts. He looked up from his hooded face only to find Albus Dumbledore sitting on a barstool beside him with his aged eyes peering at him with curiosity.
"You should not be here, Professor." Dumbledore said lightly, a small twinkle appearing in his eyes.
"Neither should you, Headmaster. I suggest that you leave before the owner finds out that you are here." Snape purred back in a slurry tone, turning his head down to look at the liquid as it swirled inside the glass as he twisted it slowly.
"I am not leaving without my Potions Master." Dumbledore replied with a smile as he reached for Severus' arm to assist him up the barstool.
Severus did not know how Dumbledore found him but, knowing the wizard, he decided not to ask. "It's Lily's birthday."
"I know."
"Does the boy know?"
"No."
"Shame."
The two men stood there in silence for a few moments. Dumbledore watched Severus' expression while the other man continued to look down on his glass before drinking all of the contents in one go.
"You should not do this to yourself. It has been eleven years…" Dumbledore started.
"What do you know?" Severus slurred in an icy tone, cutting his speech short.
The Headmaster smiled at this.
"I do know that Lily would have been happy that you are taking care of her son especially during the time when you whispered counter jinxes against Harry's rogue broom during the Quidditch match."
Severus smirked slightly at Dumbledore's words as he ran a ringed finger along the rim of his glass.
"You have to forgive yourself, Severus. You are already paying your debt against the wizarding world. Now that Harry is here, you can use him to pay your debt against Lily. Continue to protect Harry. Harry's life is Lily's death not going to waste. Eventually, you may find the peace that you need to forgive yourself" Dumbledore coaxed in a whisper, leaning closer as he settled his hand over Severus' shoulder.
Severus' mind was in a blur yet he tried to grasp his every word. Perhaps that was what he needed; forgiveness. With a sigh, he took out some bills from his pocket and stuffed it inside his glass.
"Come on. I have class tomorrow." He mumbled, shakily rising up from the stool and refusing Dumbledore's help to assist him. He slowly made his way out of Hog's Head with a smiling Albus walking right behind him with his hands clasped in front of him.