The whole table went silent. Which was saying something, because this group consisted of four Marauders, three Aurors, and half the Order of the Phoenix, and they had just finished their fourth round of beers at the pub in Godric's Hollow.
"THIS WILL NOT STAND," said Alice Longbottom, slamming her pint glass down on the table so hard that foam sloshed out the sides. "This is a goddamn tragedy and it will not fucking stand."
"Language," muttered Remus into his glass.
"How is that even possible?" Alice continued, undeterred, her blue eyes suddenly as wild as a grindylow's. "I demand an explanation."
Remus shrugged. "I don't know why you're all making such a fuss about it," he said.
Frank leaned back in his chair and folded his arms behind his head. "And I don't know if you know this about my wife, Remus," he said, grinning wryly, "but she usually gets what she wants. By deadly force if necessary. So I'd say you have some explaining to do."
Remus groaned and covered his eyes with his hands, trying to hide, like an ostrich sticking its head in the ground.
"You know, it's a fair point," said Lily, leaning her head quizzically on her elbow, as if this were simply an interesting question that came up in a Transfiguration lesson. "How did you leave Hogwarts without ever kissing anyone, Remus?"
"Deeply religious," shouted James to the whole table. "Vow of chastity."
"Nah, arranged marriage," said Sirius. "Betrothed since birth. No way out of it. I heard she's got a face like a troll, though. Bad luck, Moony."
"Bad luck," agreed Peter, draining his pint.
"I don't buy it," said Lily, still wearing that thoughtful expression.
"Which one? Mine was believable, wasn't it?" said James, grinning like a schoolboy. Lily punched him in the arm. He laughed and kissed her hand in retaliation.
"This is what I'm saying," said Alice. "It makes no sense, Remus. You're fit, you're clever, your heart's in the right place, you're a gentleman and a scholar. Hell, I'd shag you."
"Oy," called Frank.
"Oh, you would, too, you great tart," she said to Frank. "We all would. We should all be so lucky."
"Seconded," said James, raising his glass.
Remus really, really wanted to hide under the table, but Padfoot's long legs blocked the way. Also, Lily had grabbed his hand.
"I'll kiss you," said Lily. "If this one says it's okay." She jerked her head at James, whose eyes widened with mischief.
"Do it!" said James. "But I get to watch."
"Voyeur, are you?" said Lily, giggling. "What's your answer, Moony?"
Remus blushed crimson, and two spots of pink appeared on Lily's cheeks. They stared at each other, neither daring to make a move, smiling awkwardly.
"Oh, go on," called Frank. "Kiss the poor man."
Lily giggled again, and Remus turned even redder.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," said Sirius, who dove in and kissed Remus firmly on the mouth before anyone could stop him. He pulled back, pleased with himself. "There. Done. How was it for you?"
Remus shook his head, grinning and speechless.
"Not your type?" asked Alice.
"Nope. Nice effort, though," said Remus, finding his voice again, although the words came out about an octave higher than he intended. He was definitely a little bit pissed. Wasn't there a proverb about not getting a werewolf drunk? He could not remember.
"My turn," said Alice. She climbed up onto the table, crouched in front of Remus, and gave him a long, slow snog. His eyelids fluttered. She raked her hand through his hair. He moaned and she slipped her tongue past his teeth. Marlene McKinnon whistled.
After twenty seconds or so, Alice pulled back, looking more than a little flushed herself. "Better?" she asked.
"Very," said Remus. "Sorry, Padfoot. And sorry, Frank."
"Like I said. She usually gets what she wants," said Frank, rolling his eyes and smirking.
Alice climbed back over the table and settled herself in Frank's lap. She drained her pint and ordered another round of drinks for the table.
"If we're all having a go, then I'd like to be next," said Marlene, twirling a lock of her blonde hair.
Before the hour had passed, every single person at the table had kissed Remus, and Sirius had demanded a second chance to prove himself. James ordered a sixth round of drinks and Alice ordered that everyone sing "Bennie and the Jets" with her while she stood on the table and conducted them from on high.
Remus ducked outside, responding to an owl from Dumbledore that had arrived while Emmeline Vance was giggling into his mouth.
It was a chilly March evening. The wooden pub sign creaked on its hinges in the night wind.
The bell over the door jingled. Remus sensed someone walk up behind him. His hand was already around his wand in his pocket, just in case. You never knew, even here, even among friends, when the forces of darkness might manifest themselves.
"Happy birthday, Remus," said Lily.
He looked up. She was lighting a cigarette.
He released his wand and raised an eyebrow at her. "You smoke?"
"I smoke one cigarette a year," she said, taking a long pull and closing her eyes. "In honor of those I have loved and lost."
She exhaled and her smoky breath glowed orange in the light spilling from the pub window.
"It's not my birthday for another two days," he said.
"I know," she said. "But who knows when we'll see each other again?"
He nodded. "True."
"I will try to come see you. But you know James and I are supposed to be fetching that thing for Alastor, and I'm not sure if-"
"Don't worry about it," he interjected. "This has been the happiest night of my life."
She shot him a sad, wincing smile. "Really?"
"Yes," he said. "My best friends in the world clambering over one another to snog me. I've never been so flattered or amused or loved in my whole life."
She chuckled. "You are loved all the time, though. Thoroughly. And don't you dare forget it."
He sighed without meaning to.
"I'm serious, Remus. You can't go living your whole life with this 'I'm-not-good-enough' worldview. How are you going to meet any nice witches like that?"
He did not answer. Instead, he finished tying his letter to the owl's foot and released the bird, whispering, "To Dumbledore. Fast as you can. Thanks."
Lily stubbed out her cigarette delicately with the toe of her boot and slipped her hand into Remus'.
"Who's the best kisser in the Order, then?" she asked, green eyes twinkling.
He snorted. "I don't kiss and tell."
"Oh, you're no fun anymore," she pouted, leaning her head on his shoulder.
He turned and rested his cheek against her, enjoying the flowery, warm smell of her hair. She squeezed his hand.
"It's James, isn't it? You won't say because you don't want to make me jealous," she said.
"No. Not into men, sadly. I'd be spoilt for choice if I were."
She wrinkled her nose in thought. "Well. Alright. Alice?"
"No. Brunettes aren't really my cup of tea, either."
"Oh, god, it's Marlene."
"No. Don't like blondes."
She raised her eyebrows at him, comprehension dawning. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
He looked away, over her shoulder, unable to hold her gaze. "What do you think I'm saying?"
She made that reasonable, clever face again. "Not boys, not brunettes, not blondes. Who does that leave?"
She stared at him. He met her eyes. They both knew very well who that left: the only redhead in the group. The one who was standing right in front of him. She squeezed his hand again.
At last she said, "You've got lipstick all over your face."
"Yes. I expect I do," he said.
"Must be a nice change," she said.
"I don't hate it," he admitted.
She patted his arm. "Come back inside. It's freezing out here."
He waved his hand politely at her. "After you."
As they ducked back into the pub and unwound their woolly scarves from their necks, she said, "Whatever your reasons are, Remus, please don't go another nineteen years without snogging someone. No matter what color her hair is."
She kissed him on the cheek and stuffed her mittens into the pocket of her cloak.
Seventeen years later, when a certain pink-haired witch fell over a troll leg umbrella stand and into his life, he would have occasion to remember Lily's words.
A/N Thanks for reading! The Pottermore bio of Lupin made me so sad - I just needed to write something happy and fluffy for him.