Battle Scarred

For a moment Lily wished she could hate him. Guilt plagued her as soon as she finished the thought, just like it always did and she gripped her book tighter in an effort to concentrate on the words instead of those in her head.

It was a constant battle between her sensible and sentimental side, between her friends' opinions... a constant battle with him. She was tired now. She didn't want to think any more about things she couldn't change so she'd gone to the library and found a book to lose herself in - yet still her doubts had found her.

Just like he would, soon... Severus would have checked the owlery and forest first before making his way to the library, praying he'd find her there instead of the kitchens. For a moment Lily debated on quickly making her way down there just to make Sev suffer. He hated the house elves with a passion and to their credit Lily knew they were exceptionally 'house elf-ish' when he was around, giggling and winking at Lily behind his back.

The first few times they'd fought she had thought herself the victor because Sev always came to her. They could avoid each other for a month if pushed but in the end she would always sit at their table in the library and he would find her. No words would be exchanged and in those younger days she had revelled in that connection too. They never needed words to talk, both of them always understanding the other implicitly.

Now everything had changed. Now she sat and a part of her wished he wouldn't come, that he would like the silence stretch until it felt natural and they went from being comrades in a war against conformists and ideologies neither understood to just separate people drowning like everyone is supposed to. Those words she'd left unsaid he hadn't tried to decipher like he would have in the past, he left her an enigma and Lily felt lost. Severus was changing... he clung to her like always but the periods of calm before the storm were shorter, the fights were no longer about grades or disagreements - instead they would scream about her friends or his, her money and his lack of... He was becoming volatile so more and more she left herself fade.

Still a part of her waited.

She had loved him as a child and there had been a time where that love had deepened. Unreturned of course, Severus pushed all inklings of attachments far away with caustic words and shields that took her days to chip away at. The scars of that love were what kept her sitting in the library through dinner as the shadows lengthened and the candle wicks started to burn low.

She would be there for him because he needed her. Severus was changing, Lily knew that, from the boy she'd wanted to love to a man she couldn't recognise. He clung to her trying to forget, to pretend and as each day passed their friendship felt more like pretending, like a habit which may one day drive her mad.

Could she watch him destroy himself? Everything she loved about him?

Yes.

She would always be there for him, that much was true. Whether or not it was returned didn't matter because when his world came crashing down she knew she'd always be there. That was why she wanted to hate him, why she wished he wouldn't come. He would go one day, leave her standing waiting for him to return a boy she could heal once more and perhaps that day would never come but she would always wait.

Was that love?

Lily took a slow breathe willing herself not to cry. Everything was so overwhelming and it wasn't that Severus didn't know she hated his friends and the gang in the years above who used his intelligence with no recognition. She had screamed at him and still he let himself be ensnared with empty promises, coming to her crying after he'd been burnt, again.

The brave thing would be to leave. To break the cycle. Lily whispered coward under her breath, telling herself again to walk out the door but she never would.

She loved him, in her own way she was in love with the boy she had lied amongst wildflowers with every day of every summer gone by. He looked at her through the 'new' Severus' eyes sometimes and so she would stay, until that spark faded.

The sound of a chair scraping made Lily start. Severus peered at her from under his hair and extended a hand that was wrapped around a mug full of a frothing mocha. She took the mug off him without meeting his eyes.

To get her favourite drink from the kitchens before coming to find her was a better apology than normal. Not good enough but it didn't have to be. Surrounded by the smell of old books and shadows creeping amongst nooks and crannies it was easy to pretend school didn't exist, that reality was just the two of them.

Severus rolled his eyes and as she took a gulp he pulled out a handkerchief, wiping her nose which had froth on. He was smiling with his dark eyes and she sighed before smiling back. If a few moments of her Sev was all she was going to get she would take them, no questions asked. Until the very last day, she would love him.

Always.

Challenges and competitions:

- The If You Dare Challenge for prompt #532 - Dreaded Fall

- The Songfic Challenge with a twist with the song 'My Kind of Love by Emile Sande' and the pairing Lily/Severus.

- The Weasley Wizard Wheezes Competition for Bruise-Remover Paste.

- The HP Potions Competition for Polyjuice Potion.

- The Pairing Diversity Boot Camp for prompt #30 'If you be the one to cut me I will bleed forever.'

- The Key Signature Competition for Db Major.

- The Weasley-Potter-Prewett Category Competition for 'Fabian Prewett'.

- The Wand Wood Competition for Alder.