All I can think as I look into his eyes is, he knew. He knew that I'd fall for him. He knew that every touch made my stomach flip, and every look broke my heart. He knew that underneath it all, I was scared. I was scared about what I felt for him. And he knew, and he used it against me. He knew he made me vulnerable, and he thrived on it. He fed off of my insecurities, making himself feeling better. He knew I was in love with him. And he knew he'd never love me back, but he continued to play me like his favourite game. He knew I was deluded for ever trying to convince myself he cared. He knew that I cried myself to sleep, trying to work out the right answer. He knew, but he didn't stop. He knew he'd eventually break me, make me and empty shell of the man I once was. He knew that I was in too deep. He knew that I was just a child, and I thought I knew what was best. He knew that he could never give me what I needed. He knew he'd carry on flirting, and every remark, comment, joke, even a look, they'd all come crashing down on me. But he still didn't stop. He knew I wasn't worth it, I wasn't worth changing for. He knew that no matter how many times he saved me from alien threats and the end of the world, he couldn't save me from himself. He knew what he was doing to me. He knew I was falling, every day I fell a bit more, and he knew he wouldn't catch me. He knew deep down he didn't want me, I was just a bit on the side. He knew I was worthless, just some love-sick puppy who would come every time he called me, every time he wanted a release. He knew he'd forget me, when I eventually died, what with working for Torchwood, it was inevitable. He knew that I wasn't worth saving, when it came down to it. He knew that I didn't know what to think, he knew he messed me around. He knew I was clueless. He knew he held me back; he stopped me being myself, because I was so scared to do something wrong. He knew I didn't want to be afraid, but I couldn't help it. He knew I'd messed up. He knew everything about me. He knew I was in love with him. And he didn't care.
And that's all I could think about, as I watched Jack and Gwen make out shamelessly in Jack's office through the CCTV. That's all I could think about as Jack tried to apologise, and Gwen cried. As he told me it was a mistake, as he said he could "explain". He said he regretted it, it meant nothing. He looked me in the eyes, and told me that I was the only one for him. And, I could have believed him. I nearly did. I nearly fell for it all again. And as I walked out of the Hub, and walked away from Jack, and his charm, and his love he was offering me, I knew that I was worth everything Jack had convinced me I wasn't. I knew that I'd find someone who would love me, and who made me feel special. Someone who cared.
Jack knew, all this time. And yet I still loved him. And what's worse, I never meant to fall in love with him. I meant to get on with my job; I meant to make something of myself. But I'd allowed myself get caught up in the tangled spider web that was Jack Harkness, and I'd gotten stuck. He'd broken me, broken me beyond repair. And he couldn't fix me. Not this time.