"Inappropriate: Viva la Fanfiction." This is a parody of fanfiction, fangirls, and Hey Arnold. Prepare to be offended!
Bringing you the "b" in Inudaughter. ;D
One day, on a sunny day in cyberspace, Arnold and Gerald walked into a room. "Hey Arnold!" Gerald waved. The milk-chocolate colored boy with the tall, well-styled hair wore his trademark red jersey shirt with "33" on it, for he was bumming for the day. He was taking some time off from his busy career in fanfiction.
"Hey, Gerald!" said Arnold snooping round for a drink from the break room cooler. "Nice to see you!" He and Gerald did their friendship thumb shake before Arnold went back to snooping around for snacks in the mini-fridge. "Everything good?" he asked softly.
"Well, uh yeah!" Gerald said with a soft, unconvincing cough. "Everything is fine, I guess! I'm getting by and Phoebe and I get to hang out together loads of times. So how about you? How do you like being on fanfiction?"
Arnold found a guava mango spritzer in the fridge that might belong to Big Patty and wisely left it alone. He found an apple from a bowl of fruit and munched into it instead.
"Well," said Arnold, chewing slowly. "It can be both a good thing and a bad thing, I guess."
"Like what?" said Gerald leaning on one arm against the blue plaid couch and giving him a sideways look.
"Well, it's complicated!" said Arnold. He took another bite of his apple while Helga G. Pataki walked into the room, wearing her trademark pink dress. Arnold looked up at Helga, happy expectation in his eyes.
"Hi, Helga!" Arnold said tossing the apple core away. "What's up?"
"Hum," said Helga examining her old friend and romance before rifling through some scripts in her hand.
"Business!" said Helga. "Hey Arnold, we've got a request in to do another one of those wild, out-of-control-party, fanfic things. Are you going?" Arnold grinned a little too widely to be trusted.
"You mean one of those parties that are obviously an excuse for us to both get drunk and I knock you up? Yeah, sure I'm goin!" Helga narrowed her eyes at Arnold's wide grin. Then she threw the scripts in her hand up into the air.
"Never mind! You know what, I don't think I'll be going to that fanfic!" Helga declared walking over the couch and slouching onto it with elegance. She propped her white shoes up onto the armrest by the corner wall and lay with her arms crossed for a fake nap.
"Ah, man, Arnold!" Gerald lamented. "You just gave yourself away!" Arnold shrugged, apparently unworried about it. He did a lot of those kinds of fanfiction with Helga these days. There'd always be another opportunity. He discovered a Yahoo soda in the back of the fridge and dug it out. Mildly, he twisted the cap off and chugged. Then he handed a second bottle of soda to Gerald. They grinned.
"Don't worry about it, man!" Gerald reassured him. "'You 'iz lucky! Unlike Big Bob Pataki. Did you see all those traps the fangirls set up all up and down the street, inventing new and incredible ways to off him?! I must have seen a dozen hovering pianos on my way here, some garden gnomes with hidden laser guns, a carnivorous horse, a pit full of man-eating sharks at the end-of-a-skateboard ramp," said Gerald counting off his fingers. Arnold stopped drinking his soda.
"Yes, come to think of it, I haven't seen Bob for a week," Arnold said thoughtfully, his chin in his hand.
"Well, there you go!" said Gerald throwing up his hands. "The old girls finally got him!"
"Nah, I've got the old man stashed in a safe house somewhere," Helga objected from the couch before going back to her fake nap.
"Well, I really kinda feel sorry for Lila, too!" Arnold commented, setting down his empty soda bottle.
"Tell me about it!" said Gerald pointing out the window towards a nearby funeral pyre. It hadn't been set on fire yet, but Lila was viscously bound by her hands and feet and lain atop of it, encircled by red-eyed wraiths carrying torches. For someone about to be set on fire by angry fangirls, Lila looked awfully calm.
"What did she do?" Gerald complained, his hands clenched at his waist and eyes narrowed with disgust.
"Oh, well, she's just kinda the main romantic rival for the original series. You know how it is. The fan girls blame her for me and Helga not getting together before the end of season five."
"Aren't you gonna stop them?" asked Gerald with a disgusted wave. Arnold turned from the window.
"Nah, I've given up! They do this about every four or five days. But as long as she remains on the original reel she keeps reviving like a Phoenix Down."
"Man!" said Gerald with distaste before joining Arnold and Helga on the long blue plaid couch. Helga looked up happily when Arnold leaned her head on his lap and ruffled her hair. Meanwhile, outside the window, Rhonda Lloyd walked up to the circle of demonic fangirls. With swagger, she pulled out her cellphone.
"Don't worry, Lila! I've got this!" she said dialing. She pressed send and immediately all the fangirls snuffed out their torches and drifted away. Lila blinked in awe.
"Gosh! Thank you ever so much Rhonda! What did you do?" the girl with freckles and two red braids asked.
"Oh it was simple!" said Rhonda Lloyd, proud at her cleverness. "I just posted a confession that you've converted to being lesbian!" Rhonda then lifted the still tied up Lila down from the funeral pyre and carried her off it, bridal style. Lila was silent for a second, then she blinked her long eyelashes at Rhonda.
"Well, as of this moment it's true!" Lila said, still blinking her lashes. Rhonda's eyes grew wide and then, she shrugged.
"Eh, better than Curly, I guess!" Rhonda declared. The two walked off into sunset. Meanwhile, back in the break room, Gerald and Arnold discussed fan girls some more.
"Well," said Arnold thinking about it. He scooted off the couch leaving Helga disappointed but she went back to her fake nap. "There is one thing about fangirls in particular that really bugs me! It's all the flash photography! I can't go anywhere or do anything without being followed by the Paparazzi! See?" asked Arnold. To demonstrate, he walked over to a water fountain and puckered his lips to drink from it. Immediately, fangirls popped out of nowhere to take snapshots of him drinking. Arnold wiped the dew from his overly hot lips and the fangirls squealed before vanishing away again like they were never there.
"See what I mean?" remarked Arnold. "They're just well, always there! Behind every corner. Hidden inside every light fixture!" said Arnold, his eyes roving the room, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper.
"Nah, you're lucky man!" said Gerald. "As a side character, I don't have half as many of those! And it's been so long that someone has written an M-rated fanfic about me and Phoebe that it's sad! Most of them are between me and Helga!"
"Which I do not like even more than you!" said Arnold narrowing his eyes at the invisible fangirls.
"Better Gerald than Brainy!" said Helga sitting up from the couch.
"Oh, let's not talk about Brainy!" Arnold growled. Helga smiled at him.
"The last time I had to do a romance scene with Brainy, Arnold spent all night looking up fanfics where he gets to kill Brainy! We did about three of them, until Brainy disappeared that is. Haven't seen him for weeks!"
"Well, there ya go!" Gerald said calmly. Arnold thought.
"Well, since it's been hard on you, Gerald, do you wanna borrow one of my fangirls? I've got plenty to go around!" Arnold opened a mysterious door wide and pulled out red-head from it.
"See?" remarked Arnold. "What would you like? I've got brunettes, ravens, blondes, platinum blondes… take your pick!"
"I love you Arnold!" squealed the fangirl, giddy with insane delight. "But I'll take Gerald, too!"
"Nah, I'm good for now," said Gerald waving. Arnold shoved the fangirl back in the closet. Helga looked up from the couch.
"Too bad about the fangirls!" she sorrowed. "I stopped stalking Arnold when it became too unoriginal!"
"That's okay!" said Arnold sitting down on the couch and taking Helga into his arms. "I started stalking you, instead!"
"I hoped it was you standing outside my shower this morning!" Hegla purred before sharing with Arnold a deep kiss. As they were exploring one another's mouths, the door flew open and Arnold's parents Stella and Miles walked in. Helga glared at the interruption.
"Oh great, Football-Head! Supervision!" she hissed. "Just like the series! Just when we're getting somewhere your parents have to come into the equation!" she folded her arms across her chest and grumped.
"I'm sorry!" Arnold pleaded. "I can't help it! They live here, too! Perhaps the management at Nickelodeon wanted someone to step in and keep things from getting too hot and heavy between us. It is -was- a kid's show after all! They must not have wanted it to deteriorate into a tale of teenage pregnancy. Not that you had started menstruating yet."
"Actually, here inside of fanfiction, I have, Football-Head," said Helga with a look that was meaningful. "I've been meaning to tell you. I've missed a period."
"Oh!" Arnold fretted. His mouth crumbled into a nervous line. "That's not good!" A trio of fangirls popped out of the closet again for a monkey chorus.
"He's screwed!" said one.
"She's screwed!" said another.
"They screwed!" said the third.
"So," said Gerald still leaning on the armrest of the couch. He stared deeply at Arnold's parents. "Let me guess? You all are looking for your boy?" Stella and Miles looked at each other.
"Well, actually," said Miles with a fake grin. "We don't know him after all! Sorry about that! We'll just let ourselves out!" The two scooted out the door and quickly disappeared.
"Well!" said Gerald, astonished. "That solves your parent problem! But speaking of parents… Hey Arnold, do you ever wonder if the old animators ever think about us? You know, the ones from old Snee-Oosh?"
"Well, no," said Arnold. "Not really! I remember… there was this one guy who shaded my hair. He complained about the number of points on my head all the time! Then there was an animator who, when he thought nobody was paying attention, tried to leave locks of my hair out. Then, there was this one guy! Boy!" Arnold said with great distaste. "He got a job offer for higher pay from another studio and he took the offer just like that!" said Arnold snapping his fingers. "No consideration! So now I have something to say to him!" said Arnold. Gerald gasped as Arnold flicked his finger up in the air and made the most terrible of symbols- the bird!
"Arnold!" Gerald protested. "I cannot believe you are capable of such a thing!"
"Well, I couldn't before because I was on a children's broadcast station," said Arnold with a shrug. "But this fanfiction! So I can do it now!"
"Yeah, well, you might be upset with that one guy," said Gerald huffing away Arnold's outburst. "Is there anyone you're NOT mad at?"
"Well," said Arnold thinking. "I'm grateful to the ones who did the special for April Fool's. They made me look GOOD!" Arnold said with a grin.
"But, Arnold," Gerald pressed on. "Don't you ever wish, well you know, that Nickelodeon would rehire us? That we could go back to the good old days for another run?"
"What do you mean?" asked Arnold, with intense interest.
"Well, I kind of figured they'd hire me back if I gained a new skill set, you know! Super-hero crime-fighting abilities or something like that! So I've been saving up my money to buy some of that radioactive meteorite stuff! Do you want in?"
"No thanks!" said Arnold waving a hand. "Gerald, I think a better idea might be to ask the fans to pester Nickelodeon with letters till the end of time, you know! Demanding new episodes! Without much of Big Bob or Lila, of course, seeing how often they are killed. Why, the fangirls might even start a petition like they did to bring back the Jungle Movie. Who knows? Maybe someday, someone will ask Inudaughter if they can use all her scripts. They're not THAT bad."
"Yeah," Gerald reasoned. "It could work! I mean that girl is cheap. She'd part with them easily for some Hey Arnold memorabilia and a life-time supply of quality Italian ices. She's sworn off the fattening stuff. She's twenty pounds overweight so every time the Jolly Olly man rolls around, she starts running in the opposite direction!"
"Speaking of Inudaughter," said Arnold holding a hand up. "I really feel sorry for her! She's kinda cheating herself. Just think about! Say, like last month, she got 5,000 views from pretty much all over the world but especially America, England, South America, and Russia. If she got even just one quarter from each view, she'd make $1,250 in royalties! That's 15,000 dollars in a year! She could retire from her day job!"
"Well, that's just too bad," said Gerald. "But we all love this stuff. We're gettin' our worth out of bein' here, just chillin'! I hope the girl sticks around for a while. But there are lots of fanfic authors out there who love us, and we've got to be grateful to them. Especially the fanfic authors who give us tons of money just for the heck of it. I've gotten a lot of cool sports cars out of them!" Gerald said with a smile.
"Yeah?" remarked Arnold. "Well, you know what I think is sad? It's all the bootlegged merchandise they sell to our fans. Helga bought these couch cover pillows from China with pictures of herself on them for thirty dollars a pop! And they're unlicensed merchandise! They're even selling FANART of us for thirty dollars a pop, and old cereal boxes with my picture on it for, like fifty."
"You see!" Gerald lamented. "I think our commercial viability is being seriously underestimated. If Nickelodeon would copy the copiers, then think of all the cool licensed merchandise we'd be getting! They're missing out!"
"Well, they do have a little," said Arnold. "There are printed socks from Odd Soxs and the Yearbook Belt from Buckle-Down. Anyone can buy them online from Amazon. You know what, I think you should try selling belts instead of watches, Gerald. You'd be good at it! Just think! If five million belts that are licensed merchandise sold, then that'd send a strong message to Viacom that we're special property!"
"Yes, yes!" said Gerald kneeling on the ground, his fists clenched and his eyes on the heavens. "You hear that people?! Please, please, please shop Amazon! This is now an infomercial people!"
"Gerald," said Arnold resting his hand on Gerald's shoulder as a good friend. "Calm down! I know our new life can be hard to take sometimes, but I think the important thing here is that you find a way to adjust! Helga and I have, kinda! You see, one of the really annoying things about fangirls is that as their favorite characters, they'll go to the pet shop, buy pet gerbils, and name them after you! Thanks to those fangirls, Helga and I have about 42.5 million grandchildren. And some of these fangirls will even send you greeting cards with pictures for Christmas! At first I thought it was really creepy. But then I kinda got used to it. See here," said Arnold flicking a photo out of his pocket. "Here is a picture of my favorite granddaughter. White fur and blue eyes like Helga's! And here is my favorite grandson, Sam! His owner invited me to his baptism." Arnold held up a photograph of a brown-haired girl holding up a brown and white gerbil. To her side in the photograph was Arnold, making a peace symbol. Arnold pocketed the photograph.
"You, sir," said Gerald in reply. "Are whacked! Gerbils for grandchildren?! Come on!"
"Well, that's entirely possible," said Arnold holding his chin in his hand. "A lot of these fanfics have me smoking all kinds of stuff."
"Humph!" said Helga interrupting from the couch. "I'm not worried about it!" she said pointing a thumb backwards towards herself. "If a wretched mouse in a flower mini-skirt can do it, so can I! I'm much better than Minnie Mouse! And a lot sexier, too! We'll hit the big time again, don't worry!" Helga declared with alluring boldness. Gerald nodded his head with approval.
"Helga your confidence is amazing. You go girl!" Helga looked up as Phoebe walked into the room.
"Oh, hey Phoebes!" she said. "Don't forget, we're going out for mocholates later!"
"Okay Helga!" said Phoebe smiling. Gerald looked up at Phoebe and overcome with emotion, bit his thumb between his teeth.
"Phoebe, babe!" said Gerald. "Get your purse because after work, I wanna go over to the pet store and see about some gerbils!"
"Hum, well, okay!" said Phoebe. She blushed. "Well, there is something I wanted to talk to you about, Gerald!" She looked at her dainty toes. "Well, it's just that I really like killer whales!"
"You do?" asked Gerald with delight. "Then step on over to this conference room here!" said Gerald, his hands on the door, "and we'll discuss your… killer whales. Rrrr!" said Gerald with a sexy purr. Gerald and Phoebe locked the conference door behind them with a click. Helga glanced towards the door, then coughed into her hand and looked to Arnold.
"So, done for the day?" she asked.
"Almost!" said Arnold. "I want to practice for an audition with Sesame Street, you know, reading the number of the day and stuff when Big Bird can't be there. One of my debuts was on Sesame Street. Remember the episode where I ride a flying chair? So I figure maybe I can break back onto new television episodes if I appear there!"
"Let's hear it, then," said Helga, unconvinced.
"Ahem," said Arnold clearing his throat. "This day's program has been brought to you by the letter…"
"Oh, baby!" Gerald called out from the conference room. With a flat look, Arnold crumpled the script in his hand into a matted wad. He tossed it away over his shoulder.
"Oh, well!" Arnold said. He shrugged, then shape-shifted taller into his late-teen form with the fanart-trademark red plaid shirt on the outside of a blue T-shirt. Helga shape-shifted, too, into the teen wearing a beanie and joined Arnold as he took a lighter out his pocket.
"Ah-hah!" said Helga pointing as he took a drag of weed. "I knew that's where you get your ADHD!" Arnold shrugged again.
"Snuff out that cigarette, buster!" ordered Helga. "Remember, I'm pregnant!" Complaint, Arnold dropped his smoke below his foot and crushed it.
"You know, that's what I really love about fanfiction!" said Arnold taking hold of Helga's elbow with tenderness. "You!"
"Yeah? Well, love right back at ya!," said Helga snuggling her cheek against Arnold's for a moment. "So, you comin'? We can go to the movies or somethin' and snog in the back row."
"Yeah!" said Arnold twirling up his blue jacket to his shoulder. He kept one hand in his pocket above his now long legs. "Somedays, it's good to be in fanfiction!"
"Yeah? Well, we all gotta grow up sometime!" observed Helga. "Whether or not our creators do, too."
"I love you!" smiled Arnold, dropping a quick kiss on Helga's cheek. Then the girl with the beanie cap and the boy with red flannel shirt on top of a blue shirt walked off into the sunset. The end.