Harry Potter and a Look Through a Magazine
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine except the Muggle Pediatric Cough Syrup and the magazine that spawned this fic.
Chapter One
Harry Potter was sitting on the toilet one day after having eaten natures hastiest laxative. He wished he hadn't eaten an entire watermelon because everybody within 10 inches of the boys bathroom had been knocked out. Madam Pomfrey wasn't pleased. Harry looked around for something to read while he was waiting for the...er...waste to be removed. He found a magazine that was fairly new and after a while of flipping through the pages he came across an add and was highly interested in it. "Hmmmm" he said "It would be cool to have firmer breasts in thirty days." He stood up and looked through the medicine cabinet hoping to find the ingredients to the potion. He found all of the items except for muggle pediatric cough syrup. He was very disappointed. Then it struck him...Hermoine most likely had that in her trunk or could probably whip some up. So he wandered over to the girls dormitories and went into Hermoine's dorm room. He went into her trunk and found the cough syrup and stood up to find that Hermoine had just dropped a huge book on the floor."HARRY!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT SOME PANTS ON!!"Hermoine yelled
Harry quickly looked down and realized what was the matter and before he could zip up Colin Creevey - a second year who positively adored Harry- took this moment of opportunity and snapped a picture of Harry. Harry hoped that he had zipped up before Colin took his picture and walked off. Harry was back in his dorm and panting hard. Hoping that the film wouldn't develop right he told Ron what just happened.
"What happened?! said Ron stifling back laughter.
"I was looking for the ingredients to firm my breasts more and I couldn't find pediatric cough syrup so I went into Hermoine's room and I forgot to zip up. Hermoine saw me and Colin took a picture." he said in a calm voice as if this happened every day.
"But Harry, - two questions-, how could you forget to zip up?"
Harry glared at him
"Oh.... oh and um Harry...do you think i could firm my breasts more too. They've just been hanging there."
Ron lifted up his shirt and showed Harry. Harry was just disgusted. It was like looking underneath a grandma's bra.
"Yeah...we'll triple the batch. I'll take one serving and you can take two. Now please pull your shirt down."
"Okay...but I don't think that's natural" said Ron pointing at one breast that was twitching violently.
"OKAY. I got the point now pull down you're shirt so I can concentrate. Okay how about this. We need these things and I have the pediatric cough syrup so all we needs is the...the......the......................um.............................ah... ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ OH I GOT IT!!! The thing that we need is rice.
"It took you half an hour to remember that we need rice for the potion?" said Ron looking up from the game of solitaire he had been playing.
"Yeah...it takes me an hour to remember how to cook rice too. So if you ever want to cook rice and don't know how, ask me two hours a head of time, ok?"
".......You wanna watch T.V.?"
"....okay."
They turned on the T.V., and almost at once a loud voice from the screen said:
"DRUGS,FAME,MONEY AND GREED TORE THEM APART...CAN IT BRING THE FAMILY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN?"
The theme to "Behind The Music" played.
"...so now at Christmas we pass around the big family bong, and everyone forgets their troubles."said the drugie on the screen.
Harry was laughing but Ron wasn't -he didn't understand the concept of drugs. So Harry explained it to him.
"...and there really expensive." said Harry with a sigh." But the dealers make a huge profit off of it."
"BUT it's illegal." said Ron
"Well I'm just saying they make a ton of money."
"But IT'S illegal." said Ron
"I know. I'm just..."
"But it's ILLEGAL." said Ron
Harry stared at Ron with the look of "Ron, you're a fucking idiot." on his face, which quickly changed to fear as Ron lifted up his shirt again, watching his involuntary man boob twitch.
"Stop that." said Harry
They went to bed about a half an hour later.
Harry dreamed that he was in the Great Hall with Ron when Ron decided to strip down to his diaper and swing a cat by the tail screaming "I'm the biggest idiot ever!"
Harry woke up with a burning desire for lemonade.
Ron dreamed that he was in the middle of potions class when he realized that he didn't have a cauldron in front of him. He was about to bring this to Snape's attention when he saw that Snape was much too busy with painting his nails green and silver. So doing what Ron did best, he did did nothing until the thought occurred to him that he could make his tit twitch.
Ron woke up and without any hesitation, he threw his goblet at Harry who was mumbling something about jelly cheese rolls. Then after that, he lifted up his shirt and began to try to control the twitching boob.
"HEY HARRY WAKE UP LOOK AT WHAT I CAN DO BY WILL NOW!!" said Ron excitedly
" Wha?" said Harry staring sleepily at Ron.
Ron lifted up his shirt to reveal his wrinkly man boob and began to make it 'dance'.
Harry stared at him with the thought 'It's too early for me to see his wrinkly boob' "That's great" said Harry not the least bit interested. "Where's Seamus, Neville,and Dean?"
"Start of the Christmas vacation Harry" said Ron staring at Harry as though he had three nostrils.
"Look at that bird out the window...Doesn't it look like someone?''
Scared that Ron might make Harry look out the window his own way, He turned his head just enough to see a blue feathered figure in a tree and then drop to the ground only to run off laughing.
The maniac was running around in circles in the vicinity of Hagrid's house, laughing like the insane being that he was "Heeheeheeheehee! HEEHEEHEEHEE!"
"Do you think he saw my breast twitching?" asked Ron suspiciously
"Why would he care?" asked Harry
"Well he could sell the idea to a company and then make a fortune while they made little whachmacallits to make you're breast twitch....hey do you think it was Snape"
".............no I think that it was a crazed loon"
Ron jumped up to the windowsill and scowled so much that his eyes were just slits in his face.
"He's not taking my breast away...N E V E R!!!! H A H AH AH AH AH AH AHA AHAHA MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BWA MWA HAHAHAH BWA HAHAHAHA HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!"
Ron stopped laughing and dropped to the floor having some sort of fit. Harry just stepped over Ron's rolling, coughing figure and ran down the dormitory stairs after he had left.
"HERMOINE!" exclaimed Harry
Hermoine turned around and turned beet red, apparently having not forgotten the incident so quickly.
"HARRY!!! HARRY HARRY HARRY HARRY HARRY!!THE FILM WAS DEVELOPED!!said little Coilin Creevey "WILLYA SIGN IT??HUH HUH WILLYA?"
Harry took the picture from Colin and looked at it for a split second before putting it into his back pack.
"SO WILLYA SIGN IT HARRY??" his face looking eager.
"Sign what" said Harry casually?
"Sign the picture of you with your..."
"NO!'' screamed Harry 'it is an extremely embarrassing picture of me. I do not want to be seen signing something such as that.'' Harry ran out of the common room with his hands high above his head screaming something about potatoes.
"DON'T WORRY HARRY! I GOT TONS OF DUPLICATES!!" cried Collin after Harry
Harry entered his dorm and found Ron all curled up and asleep in the corner with a notebook that had drool all over it. Harry pried the notebook from Ron's slippery grasp and read his Hippogriff scrawl:
Plans to destroy Blue Birds
"Oh God this can't mean anything good" thought Harry
I Ron Weasley hereby claim that Blue Birds were sent here by the Devil. I want to make notes of my research and findings about this heinous creatures. I will make notes of their weaknesses and of what they are after. Also who they promote as their leader. Do they vote for a new leader? Are they that smart? Where are their nesting grounds? Are they tasty when marinated? Who knows these answers? No one. But I will make it my life dream to find out. So far they seem to be after my twitching breast which I seem to have lost. I can no longer make it twitch by will and a blue maniac was the last one to see me do it. Hmmmm... I seem to have lost my train of thought on the other hand here on the steps to eliminate these vile creatures:
Step One: We find out their nesting grounds
Step Two: We go to the store and buy blue bird costumes
Step Three: We disguise ourselves as blue birds.
Step Four: We act how they act
Step Five: We try to convince them that we have great drugs that are illegal yet satisfying.
Step Six: We kill cat's and douse them in BBQ sauce
Step Seven: [haven't thought of step seven yet]
Harry turned the page to find that it was filled with drawings of the giant blue bird apparently too immersed in swallowing it's own eggs, to notice that Ron was creeping up behind it, knife in hand and ready to strike.
"Oh.. this isn't too disturbing." Harry said to himself.
"Whozat" screamed Ron "WHO SAID THAT? Oh you're here to steal my book right?" Ron said as he tore the book out of Harry's grasp. "Never touch my stuff again." and then Ron smiled and pinched Harry's cheeks..."Or else I'll kill you. " and then walked off.
Harry sighed and looked out the window. He still hadn't made the potion to make your breasts firmer. So he got everything out.
"Damn." he said " I still don't have muggle's pediatric cough syrup." Harry had to let the potion simmer for a couple of days anyway before adding the muggle's pediatric cough syrup. He looked out the window and saw the man in the blue bird suit only this time he was doing something. He was chasing a dog with BBQ sauce. Harry watched on in amusement. He had done that the previous summer with Duddly. Oh how the memories pile on. Harry then noticed that the dog wasn't the dog, it was Ron. He slapped his forehead when Ron started yelling for help at his "animal friends" which consisted of a wolf, and a tiger.
"Oh Christ."
Harry ran out there to find a couple of very large blue feathers, the two vicious animals hog tied and Ron gnawing at the Blue Bird who was screaming for help. The "bird" managed to escape and Harry pulled Ron back and he let out a ferocious bark.
"Down boy... no...not on the grounds.......NO RON THERE'S A TOILET INSIDE THE CASTLE! NOOOOOOOOOO NOT ON MY LEG!!!"
Ron let out a sigh of relief as Harry tried to get the unmentionable off his leg.