Wow, it's been quite a while since I've been in this fandom... time sure flies. ^^; I "blame" a sudden resurfaced interest in the beginning of the "Enter the Shadow Realm" arc for redirecting (part of) my interest to YGO - maybe I just wanted to see Noah again, I dunno... :3
Due to college - and perhaps the fact that I'm currently obsessing over multiple things instead of just one - I'm experiencing a (temporary?) lack of creativity when it comes to writing; right now I'm only creative in my dreams. Anyhow, I found this oneshot I had written a while ago, and of all the YGO pairings, puppyshipping still is my favorite, so I figured I'd post this to see what you think of it. This isn't about the question if I lost my touch or anything, it's more about publishing something that is (in my humble opinion, of course) better than other things I've written and keep to myself.
Any warnings? Um... well, the usual, I suppose. Don't bug me about OOC-ness because even if I really try, I hardly ever manage to keep them IC. That's usually not my goal anyway. And just for the sake of explicitly mentioning it: shonen-ai! Don't like? Then go back. Also, I know that I've used the Japanese first names for every character except Honda (Hiroto). I just... like "Honda" better. Live with it, 'kay? ;)
I hope this is alright!
"Katsuya…"
That voice. Again. Why wouldn't it leave him alone, even at night? Pity it was a disembodied voice, otherwise Katsuya might have considered pressing charges against it for disrupting his required sleep. Then again, since that voice spoke in his own mind, in his memories, wouldn't that be as if he were pressing charges against himself? But since Katsuya was asleep now anyway, he wasn't pursuing such thoughts; instead, he moaned and buried his face into the pillow.
"Katsuya, we need to talk."
With a whine, the blond shook his head, clutching the pillow tighter. He hated to hear that tone of voice – it hurt every time he thought of it.
"No… Don't…" he mumbled as a sad and apprehensive look dawned on his face.
"It's the best for both of us…"
"Why…?"
"Please leave. Now."
Katsuya drew in a shuddering breath, then slowly opened his eyes. The soft ticking of the clock on his bedside table reached his ears. It was such a peaceful, calm sound… and as he listened to the seconds ticking on by, he felt sad again. Time went by so slowly these days... sometimes the days seemed endless. And the nights too. With sagging shoulders, he fitfully dragged himself out of bed and slouched into the small bathroom of the apartment.
He looked at his reflection in the mirror and hated it. Those clouded eyes, the ever so slight frown that had come to replace his usual smile, the shadows beneath his eyes… it was so unlike him that he sometimes had the feeling as if he were looking at another man entirely. That stranger in the mirror – what had he done to Katsuya's normally cheerful reflection?
"Lighten up, you sap," he said to himself, watching his mirrored self mouth the words back at him, "Get the hell over it already."
For a few seconds, he had a glaring contest with himself, then averted his gaze as he bowed his head and whispered:
"Easier said than done. …Easier said than done."
"…Make-inu!"
A voice from the past, laced with scorn and depreciation. An intonation he hadn't heard in a long time, it seemed.
Just now, he felt quite like a loser; a fair part of him regretted to have given his heart away even though he had known that it might get broken like it was now. However, another part kept insisting that it hadn't been in vain – not entirely. Despite all the heartache, there were still sparks of happiness that resurfaced with memories…
Alas, they couldn't help Katsuya lighten up as he got ready for school – all they did was almost make him forget to lock the door behind him.
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"Oh Jou…" Anzu sighed sadly when she saw her friend at school that day.
"Hi guys, what's up?" Katsuya asked, trying to sound as normal as possible – but failing by a mile. And even if he hadn't, his looks would have betrayed him.
"Dude, you're up," Honda said seriously.
"Psh, come on…!"
"Seriously, Jou! I mean, look at you!" Yugi exclaimed.
"We've been through this before –" Katsuya began, but was interrupted by Ryou:
"Maybe so, but it obviously hasn't helped! We're just trying to make you feel better!"
"Appreciated," Katsuya muttered and sat down when the teacher entered the room. He didn't even bother to look at the desk right behind him, for he knew that there would be nothing there for him to see, just like it had been for the previous two weeks…
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When school was over, they went to the park, where Katsuya often hung around recently. Sitting under a tree aside from the paths and the other people, the others made yet another attempt to cheer their friend up.
"Listen, guys, I really thank you a lot for doing this, but it just isn't that simple!" Katsuya sighed after a while when his colleagues were at their wits' ends.
"I hate to say this, Jou, but I can't get rid of the feeling that you're not even trying properly," Yugi said timidly.
The amber-eyed teen spared him a weary glance before admitting heavily: "Maybe that's because you're right, Yugi."
There was an interlude of silence, then Anzu asked: "You really love him, don't you?"
"Yeah. I know we weren't together all that long, but I liked it so much, and there's this part that just can't let go; it's as if it fears that I'll miss something if I do," Katsuya explained, staring at the grass yet seeing right through it.
"Jou…"
"I just can't help it. …I'm sorry."
Anzu and the others exchanged glances, silently coming to an agreement that at the moment, they really couldn't do much more for Katsuya except simply letting him know that he didn't need to be alone if he didn't want to. With a plan in mind who would still stay with him, most of them bade goodbye to him.
"It'll be alright, Jou. And don't forget that you can come to us anytime; we're friends, right?" Anzu whispered as she hugged him comfortingly.
Katsuya bit back a sniffle as he returned the embrace. "Thanks, Anzu. I know."
"Take care. And don't… you know, do something stupid," Yugi asked of him when he said goodbye too.
The fear he heard in the smaller boy's voice touched Katsuya, and he put forth his best effort to smile reassuringly, for he didn't wish for the others to be so much in doubt. "Don't worry, buddy. I'm just not coping so well, but I'm not going anywhere."
Yugi looked mildly relieved. "I'm glad for that."
"Even though it may not seem so at the moment, things will get better. Soon, I hope," Ryou spoke.
"Mmh-hmm, I hope they will," Katsuya muttered with a hopeful glance past Ryou's white hair at the skies as if hoping to see a sign somewhere up there.
"You stay with him a bit, okay? You're his best friend," Anzu told Honda.
"That okay with you, pal?" the brunet asked.
Katsuya shrugged. "Why not…?"
"A talk will do you very good," Ryou encouraged him.
"Right, then… see you tomorrow, guys! And bear up, Jou!" Yugi added. Anzu gave a small wave, then she and the others boys left while Honda moved over next to his peer.
"Dude, I'm not sure if it's the right thing to say right here, but remember what I said when you two changed that relationship of yours?"
"You said it wasn't a good idea," Katsuya answered flatly, remembering the exact, doubtful words: "This probably isn't such a good idea… but you won't listen to me anyway…"
"Still, I wish I could just beat that prick up for making you so sad," Honda growled, glaring at the late-afternoon sky.
"Don't, Honda. I know you're mad at him, but don't do that. It won't help anybody."
"Eh… oh well. If there's anything I can do, tell me."
Katsuya nodded, feeling quite miserable by now: his friends were trying so hard to help him, but he wasn't doing them any favor at all with his behavior. He wished that he could easily give in to their aid and get a better hold of himself, but his heart was to blame because it didn't allow that.
He bowed his head and tried to hold back upcoming tears of guilt. As he had halfway guessed, he failed at that too, and soon the tears leaked out of his half-closed eyes, coating his cheeks and dripping onto his white school uniform shirt.
Honda barely could stand to see his friend in such a state. He draped an arm around the other teen and gently invited him to lean on his shoulder. Katsuya did, and still he fought against the urge to let it all out and sob and weep without any restraints.
"Jou –"
"I dreamed of it again… last night…"
"Oh no, not again…!"
"I wish it would stop!" Katsuya said wistfully with a snuffle.
"Jou, listen to me: just let it all out. Get it over with. You won't be alone."
"Damn… Honda, you really are a pal!" was all Katsuya could say before he heeded the advice, figuring that he wouldn't be able to hold it back much longer anyway: he gripped Honda's other shoulder and nearly broke down as his tears came quicker and more numerous than before, dampening the other's uniform beneath the collar. Honda said nothing as he held the blond tightly, knowing that right here, right now, Katsuya didn't need words; what he needed was something or someone to hold onto and thus truly know that he wasn't alone…
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For the umpteenth time, Mokuba directed his attention away from the movie he was watching and focused it on his brother, who was sitting beside him and reading a book. But Mokuba knew for a fact that said book was still open on page 177, even after almost fifteen minutes. He could tell that his sibling had spaced out again, like he had been doing increasingly frequently during the past two weeks. The reason for this was no secret, though the elder refused to talk about it for very long.
"Nii-sama?" There was no reaction, so Mokuba plucked at the sleeve of the other's black sweater. "Nii-sama!" he repeated.
Seto blinked, then lightly shook his head before replying: "Yes, Mokuba?"
"You've been reading the same page for fifteen minutes now," the young boy pointed out in a rather small voice.
"…Oh. Funny, I don't even remember where I was," Seto remarked after fruitlessly trying to find out where he had let off.
"Seto, I'm worried about you… you've never zoned out so much in such short time."
The tall brunet closed the book without even folding over the page and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I know, I know…"
Mokuba muted the TV and put the remote control aside. "Are you sure that it was right to break up with Jou?"
"…No; no, I'm not sure," Seto answered quietly after a moment's consideration. Even after two weeks, he wasn't sure, just like he had been upon declaring that it was over.
"Perhaps you should give it another try, Nii-sama. Why did you end it, anyway?"
Judging by the look Seto gave him, the raven-haired kid was convinced that his brother wasn't only "not sure", but that he regretted it. As to why he hadn't yet taken action… he was either too stubborn to admit that that was what he wanted (and boy, Mokuba sure knew of Seto's stubbornness), or he simply couldn't summon the courage to try and make it undone. Noticing that the other was on the verge of spacing out again, Mokuba repeated his question:
"Why, Seto?"
The teenage CEO gazed absent-mindedly at the TV, and once more his voice was quieter and softer than most people knew it when he said: "I figured that it would be the best for us. Remember that the press had a field day when they found out? They were hounding Katsuya all over town, and I know that that stressed him… I decided to spare him of that. And I don't want to hurt you, Mokuba."
"What? By what? You mean because you're dating another boy instead of a girl?" The younger Kaiba's eyes widened just a bit in realization. "That's it, isn't it? That's also why you never invited Jou over! Why didn't you say so, why didn't you talk about it earlier?!"
"Because I didn't know how you would react. I was trying to avoid potential offense you might get if you had seen us… you know, kissing, for example," Seto finished, looking somewhat flustered.
"Oh, Nii-sama!" If his brother weren't looking so downcast, Mokuba would have burst out laughing at this point. Instead, with a sympathetic look on his face, he placed his hands on Seto's, which were folded in their owner's lap. When cerulean eyes met his grey ones, he said seriously: "Look, I can see that you're very unhappy. If I'm not mistaken, you're not unsure about your decision – you downright regret it! And I bet that Jou is just as unhappy. You can give it another try, if you want; I'll support you, I promise."
"Mokuba…"
"Don't do this to yourself, Seto. You said you don't want to hurt me – but you are hurting me by doing what you do now."
"That never was my intention, little brother!"
"I know. Please, give Jou another chance. You were off to a good start; don't let that chance slip away so easily, okay?"
"I'll… I'll keep it in mind," Seto promised.
Mokuba knew that that was as close to a promise as he would get, so he hugged the elder, and when the gesture was returned, he could sense a considerable amount of the other's longing for his short-time boyfriend. He sincerely hoped that Seto would give in to his feelings and/or make the right choice, the right decision at this moment…
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It took two more days for Seto to finally convince himself that now it was for the best if he were to go to Katsuya and talk to him; they hadn't seen each other since their final discussion. It was a windy day, and Seto decided to bet on his luck of finding the other boy by chance, for he knew that it wasn't necessarily wise for someone with his status to go to the rundown part of town where the other lived. And besides, he most probably wouldn't be able to count on help from the senior Jounouchi, who was once again on edge with his son at the moment anyhow. Therefore, the brunet let his steps guide him on their own, and they took him to the park, where he had usually met up with Katsuya; naturally in rather secluded locations within the park as not to attract too much attention. Not exactly acting up to his intentions, Seto didn't look up and rather kept his gaze glued to the floor. Still; when he looked up, he had found what he sought.
He stopped in his tracks when he saw Katsuya sitting on a bench some ways up ahead. The blond was wearing an old black jacket which Seto knew belonged to the boy's father; it had two holes on one sleeve and wasn't as windproof as it had once used to be. Katsuya was huddled in it as he sat there motionlessly, watching the wind make the leaves on the floor dance. He was seemingly completely oblivious to his surroundings. Seto stood motionlessly where he was for a few moments, then he slowly began to approach him, as if he were approaching a timid deer.
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Katsuya stared emptily at the leaves which wove in and around each other like dancers who were driven by their music, which was the wind. A new gust of wind made him shudder and snuggle deeper into the old, borrowed jacket. His thoughts were ten million miles away from the present, hopelessly lost in his mind's realm of memories, and they were once more feasting themselves on the discussion that made that particular memory poisonous to think about. He didn't hear the soft crunch of shoes against the path's gravel and certainly didn't notice how they stopped just two steps away from him as a pair of eyes watched him intently, not missing a single movement. A soft sigh escaped his lips as a few hair strands tickled his nose.
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Guilt wrapped itself around Seto's heart and squeezed it tightly and mercilessly as he was two steps away from the other teen, watching his silent misery. As he saw how Katsuya's hair teased his nose without anything being done about it, he remembered another moment, a happier moment in which his classmate had mock-huffed and then blew the offending hair out of his face and laughed when it fell right back into its wrong place.
As pathetic as the sight in itself was, the by far most heart-breaking aspect were the amber eyes. Seto had never seen them be so clouded with sadness and longing – usually when he saw them, they had been sparkling and shining with vitality and simple happiness after they had gotten together, and before that, they had often been ablaze with defiance and the determination to prove himself. But to see them like this… Seto couldn't stand it, and he wished more than ever that he had never made such a foolish decision as to reject his crush. He took a deep breath to obtain as much calmness as possible, then said softly:
"…Katsuya."
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From far away, it seemed, a voice suddenly spoke his name.
"…Katsuya."
The other duelist looked up and sharply drew in his breath, but didn't exhale. Wildly, he wondered whether this was real or if his mind was just playing a naughty game with him. He blinked twice, but when the tall figure still didn't vanish, he concluded that it had to be real, and he felt alienated from his own body when his lips moved and he said but one word as well:
"Seto…"
The one in question moved closer, silently asking for permission to sit beside him. Instead of answering, Katsuya merely regarded him like an awestruck puppy, and so Seto gingerly took a seat. Again, they simply stared at each other for a moment, and the wind took the opportunity to make Katsuya shudder anew. The dawning sympathy on Seto's face surfaced even more, and he asked:
"How are you?"
A bitter chuckle make Katsuya shake a bit. "Pretty good aside from the fact that I'm cold and… and… and heart-broken," he finally added, feeling an awkward heat rise in his cheeks.
"…Katsuya…"
"What are you here for, Seto?" the blond asked, looking away again.
Seto followed his gaze, and now they both watched the leaves. "I came to see you."
"Aha. A sudden decision, or did it take you this long to come up with that plan?"
The CEO didn't blame the other for having such a hurt tone of voice; nevertheless, he frowned as he answered: "To be completely honest, I've been considering it for quite a while, but I only finally got around to it after a few… persuasions."
"If I may ask: is there anything you're expecting of me now?"
"Just a bit of time I can spend here with you."
Katsuya paused. He was torn between being happy and angry – happy because Seto was here, and angry because he had let him fret for two weeks without any other contact whatsoever. And although he would have liked to beat around the bush and find out if this was merely some game, the exhaustion that came from his grief was too overpowering for that, and before he knew it, he was speaking straight from the heart:
"You know, I kept dreaming about our last encounter. Your request that I should leave."
"Even if you hadn't just said that, I can see that your sleep hasn't been very good," Seto remarked, observing the shadows beneath the eyes.
"That's true, but that doesn't mean that only nights were bad. The days were just as bad, sometimes even worse. …Seto?" Katsuya made absolutely sure that their eyes had fully met before continuing in a whisper that mirrored exactly what he felt: "You know, I felt like I was constantly dreaming. Dreaming about the good things… and then the breakup. It felt as if I was dreaming even when I was awake. During the first few days, I didn't even know if it was day or night!"
"Katsuya –"
"Do you understand that?! Or were you just sitting at your laptop, typing away like you always do without a damn in the world? And what about you, anyway? Did you have one, just one sleepless night over it?!" Like a tsunami wave, the reality of the situation crashed upon Katsuya; this made him raise his voice, and part of his former fire returned to his eyes.
Except for blinking, Seto didn't move as he let the tirade wash over him. Like most others, he knew that the other teen's emotions were considerably responsible for his rashness, so this reaction wasn't too surprising. That didn't change the fact that the displayed anguish pained him, however.
Now that there was silence between them, Katsuya stared at him, apparently shocked about his own outburst. When the taller one's face acquired a thoughtful, yet not overly expressive look, the younger Jounouchi hastily looked away as tears welled up in his eyes.
"Oh God… Seto, I-I didn't want to yell at you, but I just… got carried away…!"
"You –"
Before the brunet could carry on, Katsuya feverishly rubbed at his eyes with his hands as the tears began to flow. The sob that sounded out when he gasped did the rest: Seto's face fell, and he put a hand on the other boy's shoulder.
"Katsuya, come here…"
"I'm sorry, Seto! I just miss you so much…!" Katsuya cried out as he flung his arms around the elder Kaiba and held him tightly, sobbing against his chest.
Blue eyes softened with pity and adornment as Seto tenderly wrapped his arms around the shaking form. Now that they were so close again, he realized how immense his own longing had been. Mokuba had been so right when he had said that his decision had hurt them both – them all, in fact… Savoring the moment, Seto let his head rest against Katsuya's, and now he too thought about that afternoon two weeks ago.
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"Come in," Seto said gruffly when someone knocked at the door to his study.
Isono entered the room. "Mr. Jounouchi is here, Mr. Kaiba."
"Send him in. But… stand by, please."
"Very well, sir," the butler said stiffly, then turned around and went to go fetch the visitor.
As he waited, Seto could practically sense Katsuya's cheerful aura the closer the other boy got; after all, when in a good mood, the teen had a remarkable talent of lifting the spirits in a room… A twinge of guilt nipped at his heart when he also laid eyes upon that wide grin when the blond entered the study, clad in his usual outfit of jeans, the white shirt and the green, light jacket.
"Hi Seto!"
"Katsuya…"
"I can't believe you invited me over by yourself! So, what's the plan for today?"
Try as he might, Seto couldn't fully repel that vivacious innocence by means of his trademark stoic attitude, and his bad feeling became even stronger when he said:
"Katsuya, we need to talk."
His classmate faltered, mildly appalled by that dead serious intonation.
"Is something wrong, Seto?"
"I believe so." The young CEO folded his hands and paused for a second before continuing: "We've been doing this for a week now, and I don't believe I'm mistaken when I say that the press in particular has been stressing you immensely. Isn't that right?"
"Um… yeah, sorta. But hey, you're the celebrity guy here… I can handle it."
Seto shook his head. "You might protest, but that's exactly what I don't believe. I've been watching the look on your face. You're used to running around wherever you please whenever you please and do whatever you please. But when you're together with me, things aren't quite that simple anymore. I'm not saying that you're not important to me, but I do wish to maintain a certain reputation, and… well, I know you say that you try hard not to jeopardize it, but those parasites called journalists are just waiting for a slipup from you, and then all hell will break loose. There would be even more pressure than there is now, and I wish to spare you of that."
"Seto, what are you saying?" Katsuya looked more confused than anything else, though Seto was sure that there also a spark of dread in those amber eyes.
Another pause. Then: "It's the best for both of us. It's the best for both of us if we end this little fling here and now. Remember, I'm not saying that this held no value for me; I'm doing this for both our own goods. You understand that, don't you?" It felt ironic to ask that question because he himself wasn't quite sure if he "understood" it, so to speak.
Katsuya looked flabbergasted, then the brightness faded from his face, making way for a look of dread and bewilderment. "You mean… it's over?!"
Blue eyes looked squarely at him, and Mokuba's brother answered: "Yes, Katsuya. That's exactly what I mean. It is inevitable so you can keep the life you cherish, might I add as one last afterthought." Seto made a dismissive gesture with one hand, never looking away. Part of him really wished that he didn't need to do this, and that part screamed when Katsuya's bewilderment began to resemble devastation. "Please leave. Now."
His fellow duelist opened his mouth as if to say something, but not a single word came out. The shoulders sagged a bit in a gesture of defeat and helplessness, and when Seto repeated the wink of his hand, Katsuya turned around as if in slow-motion, and with a robotic pace, he left the study. In the doorway, he paused to look back once more, but now Seto had looked away and was staring at the carpet beyond his desk. Isono reminded the blond to get on his way, and that marked the beginning of two weeks of dead silence and complete lack of any meetings between the two teens.
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Seto wasn't crying, but he couldn't deny the tears that had developed in his eyes too as the memory passed by. He wished to take back everything he had said – anything to make Katsuya happy again…!
"Puppy… I'm sorry!" he whispered fiercely, clutching Katsuya even tighter.
"Seto?" a small, fearful voice asked, and the brunet knew that his statement had been misinterpreted, and that demanded an elaboration.
"It's not what you think. What I meant was that I really am sorry for the hurt I caused you. I've realized my mistake. I never should have turned you down because of such stupid doubts. I was blinded by my own insecurity. If you'd be willing to give us another chance, I want to let you know that I'm more than willing to comply," he explained, carefully petting the golden hair strands and disentangling them where the wind had messed them up.
"Another chance?" Katsuya repeated faintly, as if he couldn't believe it, and now it was Seto's turn to be in slight fear of what that intonation meant. The amber-eyed teen fitfully drew back somewhat and looked deeply into Seto's eyes as if analyzing them for the honesty they bore. What followed was a sign that the sight had convinced him: "Listen, ever since you brought this to an end two weeks ago, all I've wanted was to get you back again. Therefore, I think you can guess what my answer is. But if you should ever believe that we can't be anyway… don't try to justify it by a reason you don't even know if it's justifiable or not. You'd be surprised what I can handle, you know. Promise?"
With his thumb, Seto gently wiped away a fresh tear. "I promise," he confirmed.
With a relieved and content sigh, Katsuya hugged him again, and when a different type of tears – tears of happiness – came along, they dripped onto the skin of Seto's neck. The adolescent businessman had selected the same body part to express what he felt about this situation: while the other cried, he repeatedly and softly kissed Katsuya's neck, feasting his lips on the taste of the other boy's skin. It was so infiltrating that Seto was very tempted to wish that he would never have to let him go again. Well, maybe that wish was a bit idealistic, but it was quite realistic to think that they could at least stay here a while longer in each other's arms, withstanding the cold wind…
When his crying had ceased, Katsuya looked into the other teen's eyes again.
"Seto… I love you…"
"My puppy, I love you as well," Seto breathed, and as if they had had an understanding in advance, they both proceeded simultaneously to close the distance between them as their lips locked in a kiss. It stayed at a rather innocent level as all they focused on was not to spoil the moment by acting too rashly too soon; slowly and pleasurably, they softly meshed their lips together, taking in one another's taste and engraving it in their memories…
In the end, they both were glad to have listened to the parts within them that had still believed in the righteousness of their relationship and that it was (hopefully) far from over. The bad dreams stopped, and what they got to share together in the second attempt sometimes made them wonder whether the whole thing itself was a dream, a dream they experienced whether they were asleep or awake.
END
So, how was it? According to Word, this fic is nearly two years old... Like I've said before, it's unbelievable that so much time has passed since then. *sigh* I sure hope this was somewhat worthwhile.
Anyway, if you can spare the time, I'd be glad if you could leave a review for me! But only if you've got enough time... ^^;
Ah well, back to college life now. I don't know what I'll write next - maybe a Naruto fic, but it could also be a YGO fic, the way things are looking. We'll just have to see.
Cheers, everyone!
~dd