I did not write this. My class wrote it on a school trip to Mexico last year. It has been on many fanfiction accounts, until it was given to me for various reasons.
I apologize for any injuries that take place because of our insane randomness. There is a little key-thing at the end, so if your terribly confused, look there
Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter. Nor do we claim to. We also don't own Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, though we do own the peanut butter birds.
Voldemort's Birthday Party
A Play in 11 parts
Scene 1: Everyone's Crazy
Rap music is playing
Voldemort is dancing to the rap music
Hermione is break dancing
Ron is drunk
Voldemort's Conscience: HA! I got out of the rock after 60 years!
Voldemort: sigh. Those were the good ole' days. I wish they would come back!Glares at Conscience
Ginny: Who are you talking too? No one is there.
Ron: Hey! Look! The peanut butter birdies are flying through the sky!
Harry: I think you've drunk too much
Ron: The peanut butter birdies said I haven't
Harry: Yeah…I bet they did. Ron, let's go over there and get some cookies.
Ron: COOKIES! Does cookie dance Wait. Music stops I don't like cookies.
All: GASP
Voldemort: What a pity.
Luna, Malfoy and Lavender are playing go-fish
Malfoy: to Luna Got any 4's?
Luna: to Malfoy Go fish. Pause Got any 4's?
Malfoy: HEY! You were supposed to give me your 4's!
Luna: Ignores Malfoy and turns to McGonagall Have you heard of all the neat things about Crumple Horned Snorkaks? They have these amazing properties! They can cure blindness.
McGonagall: Well Luna, I must say I was proud of you for turning in SOME homework this year that had nothing to do with Crumple Horned Snorkaks.
Hermione falls while break dancing and goes into a coma
Oompa Loompas come out and sing song
Tingle ding, tingle ding, tingle ding doo
I know a bushy haired girl like you points at Hermione
Tingle ding, silly thing, so smart yet weak
Now she is too scared to think
Tingle ding, poodle thing, she poofed up her hair
Now she has enough hair to spare
Tingle ding, tingle ding, tingle ding doo
Take her too our mine for stew
OperaTingle ding, tingle ding, tingle ding wee
Like our meat to be able to sing
Tingle ding, little thing, perfect for stew
Reminds you of Augustus Gloop
RapTingle bling, tingle bling, time for us to go
Carries off Hermione
Scene 2: Harry and Voldemort
Harry: Hi Voldy!
Voldemort: Don't call me Voldy, Potty.
Harry: Nice
Voldemort: Yeah, I knowpops collar
Oompa Loompas drag in Hermione and drop her on floor
Oompa Loompas: We made a mistake
Oompa 1: She's alive
Oompa 2: Sorry!
They walk off
Hermione stands up and rubs her forehead
Hermione: I had this weird dream. I was in a chocolate factory with candy everywhere. There were these weird beings trying to push me into a vat of chocolate
Oompa Loompas stick heads in from side
Oompa Loompas: It wasn't a dream
Hermione: Well thank you for informing me before I ventured further into that hallucination
Conscience to Harry: Does she always talk like that?
Harry can't see Conscience, waves hand around looking for person: Who are YOU?
Conscience: I am the conscience of your good friend Voldy (I call him that too). He stuck me in a rock for 60 years. Also the horcruxes are hidden—
Voldemort interrupting conscience: Hey, no talking Conscience!
Scene 3: Hedwig
Harry: Ron, you need to stop drinking!
Hedwig enters
Hedwig: hits Harry on head Thanks for never thanking me for the past 6,336 letters!Gives Harry letter
Harry: I can't read this! It's in gibberish!
Hedwig: How should I know? I CAN'T READ
Ron: It's an invitation to Voldemort's party.
Harry: How can you read it? It's in gibberish!
Ron: Drunk vision!
Hedwig: You still haven't thanked me…. That's it; I'm going to Voldemort's side
Voldemort stuffs conscience into bottle
Conscience: Hey! It smells in here!
Ron: Hey…thash minefaints
Ginny: What a pity. He drank 61 bottles and his goal was 65
Hedwig: to VoldemortShall we go evil?
Voldemort: Sure…
Oompa Loompas enter and sing song foreshadowing death
Tune is Jingle Bells
Death death death,
Death death death,
Evil's on it's way
Having fun, killing Ron and Harry Potter YAY
Death death death,
Death death death
Avada kedavra Voldemort's minions are
Oompa Loompa's-That's Us!
Death death death,
Death death death
Forever peaceful sleep
Except for Ron's peanut butter birdies, which he sees
Ron: HEY!
Death death death,
Death death death,
This song of death
Sang by oompas Kate and Meaghaneth
Scene 4: The Evil of Voldemort
Ginny: Why do those weird people keeps coming in?
Voldemort: Just to annoy you all so I may reign! They work for me! Evil laugh
Ginny: They're all big and funny
Voldemort: Did you insult my Oompa Loompas??
Points wand at Ginny
Voldemort: Abra Kedabra! Oops wrong spell. Avada Kedavra!
Misses Ginny
Ginny: HAH!
Voldemort: Grrr…
Conscience rolls of table and hits Voldemort in the heel
Voldemort: Gah! My Achilles heel! My one weakness!
Hermione: I thought your one weakness was your horcruxes…
Ron: groggily and drunkenly I thought that was Achrilles…is he here?
Voldemort: looks at Ron weirdly Pfft!
Hermione: Ron, why did I ever fall in love with you?
Ron: Tomato, tomato
Voldemort: Can we get back to the point? I need to kill you!
Everyone except Voldemort: Sure!
Scene 5: Who killed Dumbledore?
Voldemort: goes up to Malfoy Nice job killing Dumbledore. Up high, down low, ohh, too slow.
Malfoy: falls on face, gets up and brushes off shoulders Can't touch this Bling Bling.
Yeah, I killed Dumbledore gulps loudly, loosens collar, shifty eyes
Snape: You lily livered cockroach brained dog tail sucker. I did the dirty deed; I should get the dirty reward. You are not fit to suck the lint from between my toes.
Voldemort: Whaaa? Whatever. I am going to torture you with el tornillo en el ombligo
Malfoy: Que? Scratches head
Snape: Wait, I didn't know you spoke Spanish
Malfoy: Didn't you know? I took a crash course for 5 years.
Snape: Really? Where?
Malfoy: Why at El Molino of course
Voldemort: Can the two of you stop discussing crash courses and let me get on with the torturing?
Hermione: I didn't know you took that crash course too.
Ron: Yo amosh yosh paiytanosh y yosh yocos.
Harry: Ron, go back to sleep, you're not making any sense
Ron: But I don't wanna!
Ginny: Ron, you're embarrassing me.
Harry: I can't believe I've been in a room with Voldemort for over an hour and no one is dead yet.
Scene 6: The wackies of Fred and George
George: Ron, how much butterbeer did you drink?
Ron: holds up hands blurrily I dunno.
Hermione: The idiot drank 61 bottles
Fred: Still a little tipsy are we?
Harry: How long would it take for you to get over 61 bottles?
Fred: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
George: Let's explode dung bombs on his head!
Fred: Yeah!
Voldemort: I'm the only one who can explode things here! Points wand at random bottle Explocodis Vaselis!
Conscience: appears from mess of bottle Picked the wrong bottle there Voldy!
Voldemort: Oh darn. Weaseled out again did you.
Ron: A GENIE! I wish the peanut butter birdies would come and give me a cookie.
Beth: Smooth Ron, smooth
Fred: I need to change my name, it's too old.
George: How about…Ginny!
Fred: That's my sister's name!
George: So is that a yes or a no?
Fred: Definite NO.
George: Josephine?
Fred: That's a girl's name!
George: Harry Potter?
Fred: Nah, there's already too many of those
George: The probability of you finding a good name is 1/27, 369.0
Fred: How did you learn that?!
George: Googled it
Fred: How'd you google it?
Geoge: Internet
Fred: How'd you get the computer for the internet?
George: Internet
Fred: How'd you get the internet for the internet?
George: Internet
Fred: Oh! I get itwhispers I don't get it
George: How about Fred?
Fred: Yeah, I like that name
They wander off
Scene 7: Where Luna and Hermione argue
Luna: Have you heard of Cornelius Fudge's army of heliopaths?
Hermione: There's no such thing
Luna: Yes there is, they're spirits of fire
Ron: I'm a spirit of fire
Hermione: turns and points at Ron You be quiet.
Luna: Shall I turn one of my eyebrows bright yellow?
Harry: Eh, no thanks Luna
Luna: Remember when you did that?
Harry: Uh, yeah Luna, I do. Whispers to Hermione Let's change the subject
Hermione: So Luna, what about these imaginary heliopaths?
Luna: They're not imaginary
Hermione: Whatever, talk to the hand does hand motion
Luna: You did NOT just do that
Hermione: Oh yes I did!
Scene 8: Where girls gossip
Hannah Abbott: Have you seen the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie?
Pavarti: Johnny Depp is so HOT!
Lavender: OMG I KNOW! But I honestly think Ron is really HOT
Ron: walks in just as Lavender says this, looks scared, and walks out
Ginny: HEY! That's my brother
Padma: Sorry Ginny, but he is
Ginny: Ok, it's your opinion… But Harry is kinda cute too…
Lavender and Padma: EW! Ron is so much hotter
Pavarti: I don't know, Harry is kinda cool… but he can't, or doesn't dance
Katie Bell: Hey, whatcha talking about?
All: The HOTTEST guys!
Katie: Okay, have you even SEEN George?
Ginny: AGAIN, he's my BROTHER!
Lavender: Hun, they may be your brothers but it's not OUR fault they're so HOT!
McGonagall: Who? Arthur Weasley?
Ginny: WHAT?
All: Um…I have to go that way points in random direction
Scene 9: Donde esta la cervesa de mantequilla?
Hermione: Where's the butterbeer? I need to hide it from Ron
Ginny: He drank 61 bottles; it's going to take him a week to recover.
Hermione: I hope not, I want my adorable little dope of a Ron to be back to normal. PauseOkay…I can't believe I said that.
Ginny: Erm… Too much info, Hermione. But while we are on the subject, he likes you too.
Hermione: girl scream and wiggles happily
Hermione: Okay…That was really out of character
Ginny: Yes it was.Pause But on the subject of you and Ron, I guess you'll live happily ever after and end up completely miserable
Hermione: Why?
Ginny: Because he is an idiotic dope of a brother and probably will be a dope of a husband too.
Hermione: Ah.
Ron: picks up random butterbeer bottle Hey, it's you with that frothiness
Ron: How are you today?
Ron: Me? I've been better and I've been worse. But Harry and Hermione are always on my case about this and that.
Ron: I know, Hermione can be so BOSSY! And Harry, don't even get me started on him.
Harry: Um, who are you talking too?
Ron: Why my new friend Bubbly. He doesn't boss me around like you and Hermione.
Hermione: Ron, it's a butterbeer bottle. It doesn't talk.
Ron: covers mouth of bottle Don't listen to her Bubbly. You can talk to me
Harry and Hermione: Whatever
Scene 10: Where CATFIGHTS happen
Harry: Hey Voldy! Give me back my pigeon!
Voldemort: What did I tell you about calling me Voldy?!
Hedwig: Pigeon?! I am no pigeon! Does a pigeon deliver 6,336 letters?
Harry: Sure. Ron's pigeon delivered 5,221 letters.
Ron: Hey no dissing my pigeon! It may be small, weak and kinda stupid. But no dissing my pigeon!
Harry: My pigeon can beat yours any day.
Ron: Oh yeah?
Harry: Yeah!
Ron: You wanna take this outside?
Harry: You wanna piece o' me?
Ron: Yeah!
Voldemort: Can we get back to the point Potty? I need to beat you up!
Harry: Alright Voldy, let's take this outside.
Voldemort: FINE, Potty, GOD! Must you be so violent?
Harry: Says the person who butchered 2,397 people.
Voldemort: Pshaw waves hand dismissively
Switch to Luna and Hermione
Luna: Heliopaths exist!
Hermione: No they don'tshakes Luna HELIOPATHS DON'T EXIST!
Luna: turns to McGonagall Tell her heliopaths exist!
McGonagall: What on EARTH is a heliopath?
Luna: runs around randomly Oh look! A heliopath! Watch out, it's going to burn us all up with it's fiery breath!
Hermione: Must I reiterate: HELIOPATH'S DON'T EXIST!
Luna: Yes they do shakes Hermione, and points at Ron LOOK!
Ron: I am a spirit of fire.
Hermione: Ron, shut up. You're DRUNK! D.R.U.N.K! Drunk! Comprende?
Ron: Nah
Switch back to Voldy and Potty
Harry: You blood stealer. I am better than you. You could have done NOTHING without me. NOTHING pokes Voldy
Voldemort: Bad Potty!Hits on head Bad Potty! Tu estas un NINCOMPOOP
Harry: In ENGLISH?
Voldemort: A nincompoop, OBVIOUSLY
Harry: Thanks, sir, because you are a complete and total LACKWIT
Fred and George: CATFIGHT!!
Harry and Voldemort slap each other. Conscience stand on the side and yells FOUL occasionally
Harry and Voldemort: OK, we're done now.
Hermione: Finally. BOYS.
Scene 11: Where the play draws to an end
Voldemort: Bow down to me you subordinates.
Conscience: Not happening
Ron: Bubbly says he bows to no one and I stick with whatever Bubbly says
Hermione: Sigh. I can't believe I love you
Harry: And I can't believe I'm friends with you
Ron: Haha, and Bubbly says haha too
Harry: Thanks Ron and Bubbly.
Hermione: Don't tell me you believe in Bubbly too!
Harry: I'm just humoring him since he is completely and totally inebriated.
Hermione: Hey, that's MY word
Voldemort: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE POINT??
Ginny: Let's just bow and get this crazy party OVER WITH!
Everyone: bow
Oompa Loompas run on
Oompa Loompas: I guess we were wrong
Voldemort: draws wand Avada kedavra!
Oompa 1 dies, and Oompa 2 runs off
Voldemort: Bye bye little, simple, dimple, fickle, cutie, wutie student-kins
Extra 1: Hey that's MY name for you, itsy bitsy teensy weensy little dimple fickle cutie Voldy-kins
Ron: whatever
The original thank you note:
Thanks to Marisa Elizabeth Shaina Jennine Kate Laurel Reta Iris and especially Trisha for helping us write this
Thank you to all the actors for helping us develop your characters
A special thanks to Marisa for the best ideas in the play
Thanks also to Laurel for the music and Elizabeth for the songs
Key
Written entirely by Trisha, since the authors got to the first 'Hot', realized they couldn't write this and simultaneously yelled for their much more teenager-esc friend
The screw in the stomach, a method of tickling
A camp for outdoor education and Spanish emersion the authors visited
A slurred version of yo amo los platanos y los locos; I love the bananas and the crazies.
None of the following information is a part of or includes the author's opinions
Where is the butterbeer?
Great memories!
Thanks for reading
-Nyota