"Okay, we'll stop right there for today!" I open my eyes and slowly come back down to earth. The mixer on the other side of the recording window is grinning at me and giving me a thumbs up.
"Yay! Can we go eat now? Kumagoro is hungry, na no da!" I burst out of the recording room in a blur of energy. I love the way everyone's faces light up when I behave like such a hyperactive child.
"We'll have to stop and get some food on the way to your appointment, you're already going to be late." A gruff voice behind me responds. I whip around to come face-to-chest with my burly bodyguard Ken. Awkwardly I crane my head back so I can effectively work my puppy dog eyes magic on him. "Awww but Kumagoro wants the special carrot sushi I made for him last night. We have to go home, please please please please please please?" I let my eyes fill with tears, that are only partly for show.
"Ryuichi, your bunny will have to wait for the sushi until after your appointment. You know this is for your own good." And with that Ken ushers me out of the building and into the limo as gently as if I am an antique doll, but with such a firmness I can not break free. I sit in the back and sulk for a few nanoseconds, before Kuma reminds me I need to be happy and shiny. I cuddle him tightly and reach under the seat in a search for my crayons. 'Yo-yo…. bug collection… tennis racquet… I really should learn how to play tennis someday…. toothbrush… kazoo… ew, what's this?' My hand comes out a sticky brown mess. I sniff it cautiously. Whew, only melted chocolate. I grab a faded blanket from under the seat to wipe it off, before reaching back under to renew my search. The limo stops so abruptly I slide forward and fall on the floor. With my face on the ground I peer curiously at the vast amount of paraphernalia hidden under the seat. 'Ah! There are my crayons, na no da!' As I reach forward to grab them I feel a fresh breeze against my face and realize Ken has opened the door for me. He waits patiently as wriggle out of the car on my stomach, the much searched for crayons in one hand and my trusty bunny in the other.
"Do you need me to come with you this time Ryu-chan?" Ken asks in a surprisingly gentle voice. Something inside of me wavers for a second but I brush it aside and gaze at Kumagoro for reassurance. His eyes sparkle and he nods at me comfortingly.
"It's alright Ken, Kuma is the only one I need" I hear myself saying.
Yes. That was the right answer I am relieved to see, as Ken relaxes slightly (meaning now instead of being as hard as steel he is merely bolder-ish). I grip onto my pink bunny tightly and we enter the building together.
Later...
The shadows of the trees make pretty patterns over my legs as we zoom down a sun dappled street. The light shines even brighter for a moment as I squint my eyes. After I blink the light dulls and a wetness drops onto my cheek. The taxi pulls to a stop and the driver looks at me expectantly. I hardly notice this as I stumble out of the car in a daze. "Where am I?" I whisper to Kumagoro. He tells me to worry about that later and go back to pay the cab driver. Always the law-abiding sort of fellow, that bunny. I turn around but the taxi has already left me. How long have I been standing here? I look up curiously but the sky gives no clues. 'Well then come along sun, we can search for time together.'
It is dark by the time I make my way back to my apartment. The sun has long ago given up on our search and gone to bed. I don't let that stop me though! I continue on alone. Always alone. No! Kuma is with me. 'Of course, of course I didn't forget about you, please don't be angry with me' I gaze pleadingly down at my pink companion. He merely smiles his gentle bunny smile and I sigh with relief. So together Kuma and I make our way into our apartment and stand alone… together… in the middle of the vast darkness of the empty living room. I shiver as a slight chill settles in my chest and begins to creep outwards, blackening every part of my body it touches with icy coldness. If I don't move quickly I will be frozen in this spot forever! I yank my body free, dash over to the phone and hit the first number on speed dial.
"Hello?" A familiar voice mumbles into the phone.
"Shuichi! Kumagoro is bored so we're going out. Wanna come with us?"
"Ryu? Is that you? Do you realize it's already 4 am? Nothing's open right now!"
I wilt in defeat. "Oh… I guess Kuma will have to wait until tomorrow then…" I trail off, afraid Shu-chan will be able to hear the rising panic in my voice.
"Is….mmm…something the matter Ryuichi? …ahhh Yuki stop it!….Do you want me to come over?" His voice caresses my ears with it's restrained passion and I cannot bring myself to ask him to leave his lover to come save me from myself.
"No, no… we'll see you at lunch tomorrow ne? Have a good night!" I slam down the phone, run over to the couch and crawl under it with a blanket.
"Be very quiet Kuma, we can't let it find us here…"
But it is too late. It's no use trying to keep the darkness out because it comes from inside of me. I shudder and pull Kumagoro tighter, hoping desperately that some of his shiny-ness will rub off on me.
How pathetic is that? Here I am, a legendary pop singer so messed up I'm hiding under a couch in the dark of my own house with only a stuffed pink rag to comfort me! I hate this! Why am I always alone!
"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" I shout at my one remaining lifeline, and whip him as far away from me as I can, immediately pulling myself back into a ball under the couch.
I squeeze my eyes shut and savour the waves of pain that undulate through my body. This night is endless. I will be here forever and no one will even notice I am gone. I wish I could sink through the floor and disappear into nothingness. Maybe if I wish it hard enough, I really will disappear. I hold my breath and tense my muscles, trying to fold my body into itself. 'Smaller, smaller! You'll never disappear unless you can make yourself much smaller than that!' My throat is aching from choking back screams of fury. I am gasping for air. The blanket presses against my face, wet with sweat and tears. Finally I sigh in relief as it helps push me into the floor. 'Thank you blanket… for helping me… disappear.'
Later...
'Kuma, stop tickling me! I won't let you pour the cereal for breakfast if you insist on waking me like this all the time, and I know how much you love to pour the cereal!' But the relentless scratching only intensifies. I open my eyes. Pretty light filters through the weaves in the blanket wrapped around my head. 'Oh, so that is what's scratching me. I guess you're off the hook this time Kumagoro.' I spoke too soon. Kuma grabs the blanket twisted around my body and pulls me out into a brighter light.
"Ryuichi! What are you doing sleeping under the couch? Ken says you snuck out after your appointment yesterday and he's been worried sick about you."
'Kuma, you were with me the whole time… you know I trust you with my life.'
"Ryuichi, are you going to answer me? You're going to be late for work if you don't move quick like a bunny!"
'Quick like a bunny? That's a horrible pun Kuma-chan. You're really not a morning-rabbit are you? You are usually more witty than this.'
Suddenly the blanket is pulled away and fresh air whooshes into my lungs. I smile up at the blonde bombshell gazing worriedly down at me.
"Good morning Tohma! Did you come to eat breakfast with us? Kuma gets to pour the cereal and the orange juice today because I thought it was his fault for waking me up when really it was the fault of this silly blanket and…"
"Ryu, did you listen to anything I just said?" His voice as gentle as an angel's but tinged with a sadness that I know is my fault!
"Oh yes Tohma, yes I was listening! You said…ahh… that I should be more like Kumagoro!" I smile triumphantly as my eyes plead with him to play along.
His hand…so soft!… brushes my sticky hair away from my face. He cups my chin in his palm and brings my face close to his. How I long to wrap my fingers into his silky platinum hair and pull him inside of me. I just know he would be shiny enough to fight the darkness there and set me free. I am light headed at the feeling of his body so close to mine. I breathe in exactly when he breathes out so I can capture some of that lucky air that got to be inside of him just seconds ago.
"Alright, let's go have some breakfast then. I'm sure Kumagoro is waiting impatiently for his moment to shine!" His hand drops away but now the worried look is replaced with a smile that makes me want to squeeze Kumagoro for joy! 'Kuma… wait, Kuma… where are you?' I untangle myself from the blankets and shake them out, crawl back under the couch and search for him there, but he is nowhere to be found. 'Kuma!' I start to panic. The couch is pressing down on me so I can't breathe. Dust falls down onto my face and I start to choke. "Kuma! I'm trapped! I need you, please! Kuma!" My eyes are wet… it's the dust again… it makes my eyes water… I blink furiously to clear my vision and try to claw myself back out from under the couch but I am lost. 'Which way is out?' Something is grabbing my ankle. I scream and scramble to shake myself free but the iron grip pulls me backwards, so fiercely the carpet burns like a flame against my cheek. Light washes over me once more and Kumagoro is thrust into my limp arms. Panting and sobbing I hold onto him for dear life. "I'm sorry Kumagoro, I'm sorry! Please don't leave me again…" Warmness surrounds me and I realize I am wrapped in Tohma's comforting embrace. I bury my face into his chest and savour the moment for as long as he will allow it to last. All too soon the warmth is gone and Tohma unfolds himself gracefully off the floor.
"And now it is really time for breakfast, my star singer. You are already late for work!" His voice fades as he disappears into the kitchen. I sit numbly chewing on Kuma's ear as I listen to the sounds of bowls being filled with cereal. 'Looks like Tohma likes pouring even more than you Kumagoro. He beat you to it!' Kuma wants me to go stop him before he can get to the orange juice but I remain on the floor, too drained to move. Eventually some warmth inside me returns and I realize it is because Tohma is back with a breakfast tray.
"Eat your vitamin pills first Ryu-chan" Tohma says in a voice filled with forced cheerfulness.
I look down at the tray. These are the 'vitamins' that make me loose track of time and forget how to feel! I don't like these vitamins one bit! But Tohma is standing over me. His beautiful eyes, so filled with pain. I can't let him worry about me any more! I close my eyes, swallow the pills, and eat all my breakfast in five minutes flat. Then I bound up to my bedroom to change and pull Tohma out the door as soon as I am done.
"Yaaaay I get to ride in a limo to work today!" I squeal with glee.
"You ride to work in a limo every day, silly." Tohma smiles at me cautiously.
"But today I get to ride in Tohma's limo, because Tohma is my friend and we're going to work together! And I get to sing and be shiny and eat lunch with Shuichi and maybe if I can find my crayons I'll draw a picture of Kuma for you Tohma; he's not a very good model because he doesn't like to sit still for long but if I promise him some carrot sushi he will sit as still as a stone and then it's easy to draw him na no da! He says I make his ears look fat but I heard fat ears are coming back into style so I tell him he shouldn't be so self conscious all the time…" I ramble on all the way to the studio and am relieved to see the worry lines slowly fade from Tohma's face as we slip back into our familiar roles. Pretending to be the people we once were before I ruined everything, five long years ago.
To be continued...