The Ultimate Fanfic of Everything
It was Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts. He had just avoided another potion Romilda Vane had tried to slip him, when an arrow came out of nowhere and shot him in the heart.
"Owww…" he moaned. He fell unconscious.
When he came to, he found himself in the hospital wing. Harry saw a female form standing over him, and at first thought it was Madam Pomfrey. But no, it was Romilda.
"Hey, darling," she said, stroking his hair. Harry enjoyed it, though he didn't want to. And his heart did flip-flops. Why it was doing this, he had no idea. Did he perhaps eat hopping pancakes for breakfast? No. And why was an image of him kissing Romilda in a dark corridor popping in his brain, and worst of all, making him feel happy?
A shocking realization came to him. Harry wanted Romilda more than he had ever wanted Cho. He had to have her. Nothing less would suit him. Then he found himself grabbing her about the shoulders, pulling her close. He kissed her vehemently. She kissed back, with an eagerness that he had not even imagined.
Madam Pomfrey came into the room. "Miss Vane, I would please ask you to not excite the patient! And 'kissing' is under the heading of 'excitement!'"
Romilda stopped, but Harry wanted to continue. Madam Pomfrey ordered Romilda to leave the room. As she did so, she looked back at Harry, her expression forlorn.
Madam Pomfrey tended Harry. Afterward, she returned to her office. He wanted to go back to sleep, but couldn't. Harry could feel glowing eyes staring at him. Not wizard eyes either. The eyes of some wild beast.
"I know you can see my eyes, Mr. Potter." A tiger stepped out from behind the shadows. Harry was startled and almost screamed. "Don't be frightened. My name is Sher Khan. I was originally a character in a novel by Rudyard Kipling, which I'm sure your friend Miss Granger has read. Since then, Disney has made me a star."
"Disney?"
"Walt Disney Pictures. You saw The Little Mermaid, didn't you?"
"No, but I've heard of it. The Dursleys never let me watch that stuff. They called it nonsense. 'Animals don't talk,' they used to say."
"Oh, this is just great! I come to see a wizard raised by Muggles, and he's never seen a movie by Walt Disney! I'm so insulted, I think I'll let out a hairball!"
"Tigers do that?"
"No. And I'm being sarcastic. Of course, I think Rajah does throw up hairballs…disgusting little pet tiger he is."
"Okay, Sher Khan. What do you want?"
"What do I want? To destroy all human beings, that's what!"
Harry stared at him blankly for a moment, then said, "Well, good luck with that."
Sher Khan growled. "You are going to help me."
"No, I'm not," Harry said, defiantly.
"If you don't help me, I'll get Lucinda to put a curse on you so that you have to obey every command I give you!"
"Who the frinks is Lucinda?"
Sher Khan smiled, an evil toothy grin. "I'm surprised at you, Mr. Potter. Using fowl language like an owl. Too bad your little Snowy isn't a character in The Guardians of Ga'Hoole."
"The Guardians of what?"
"Ga'Hoole. Wait, what year is this book set in? Oh, 1997…you haven't heard of Soren and company yet."
"Who is Soren? And Lucinda? Why are you naming all these foreign people?"
"Soren is an owl who is the leader of the Chaw of Chaws, along with Gylfie, Otulissa, Twilight, Digger, Martin, and Ruby. Lucinda is a fairy who occasionally bestows gifts on people. Horrible gifts, though she thinks they are good ones. And I am naming them because I can."
And with that, Sher Khan began disappearing, first his tail, then his legs, all the way to his head. His grin was the last part to disappear.
Harry had no idea how Lucinda would help Sher Khan convince him to destroy mankind. Just the thought of killing Ron, Hermione, Romilda, or even Malfoy, made him cringe. Let alone strangers.
He went to sleep and had a dream about a Hawaiian girl buying a blue dog from a pet store, and another one about a man who travelled to a planet in a ship that looked like it belonged on water, and another about a lion who spoke to four children, telling them they would one day come back to the world of Talking Beasts, Narplia or something like that…
When Harry awoke this time, he felt something prickly on his neck. He moved his hand over to that area and it brushed—a face! Then he realized…somebody was sucking his blood out of the side of his neck! His hand was very pale. The other person pulled the fangs out of him, and he got a clear picture of her.
Her skin was like marble in color. She was very petite, about four feet, ten inches tall. Her hair was jet-black and barely reached her shoulders. And she was the most beautiful girl Harry had ever laid eyes on. (Not that he forgot his precious Romilda, but this girl looked better.)
"I'm…Alice Cullen," she said. "I wasn't trying to kill you by biting you, only to wake you up. I'm a vegetarian vampire, which means I only drink the blood of animals, not humans. However, I couldn't resist slurping yours: your scent is more exhilarating than anything I've ever encountered."
She said this in a hurry, as if she feared going at normal speed would be too slow for Harry, or that she wanted to say this but not have him understand.
"You're a vampire?"
"Yes, but I'm not a Rowling vampire. I'm a Meyer one. Just as there are many differences between a Paolini dragon and a Wrede dragon, so I am nothing like the vampires you know."
"So why are you here?"
"Oh, I'm looking for the White Rabbit. Sher Khan told me he'd be dropping by to see you at about three in the morning."
Harry pulled out his wand, whispered "Lumos!" and held the light to his watch. "It's only one p.m. You can't wait here for two hours."
"No, I suppose not. Well, I guess I'll let you go back to sleep, and I'll be sure to wake you with other means than drinking your blood when I return." She had one eye open and the other closed. "Unless you don't mind me sucking your blood."
"No, I don't mind."
"Well, all right then."
Alice moved toward the door in such a swift motion that Harry would've thought she was a breeze of wind if he hadn't known the truth. He went back to sleep, wondering only lightly who the White Rabbit was.