The door slammed open, hitting the wall with a crash that shook the entire meteor.
Dave stood in the doorway, holding a box in the air dramatically.
"Ladies and gentlemen, gather the fuck round, because I have just won the jackpot of terrible party games."
Rose moved off of Kanaya's lap, putting aside the smutty pan-quadrant romance novel they had been reading together.
"What did you find this time? One of those incomprehensible, impossible-to-play Alternian games again? I told you last time, I'm not playing anything that involves murdering people." She said.
Kanaya shook her head. "I told you already Rose we also have normal games for auspistices and moirails that don't even involve anything violent."
Dave giggled- that sound couldn't be described as anything but a giggle- and pulled the box to his chest. "Oh, no, this game definitely involves murdering people. It's the murderiest game on earth. It was like somebody was like hmm we gotta make this species more violent what do we do. We could start some wars. Nah wait I got a better idea lets invent this fucking board game that will make people murder each other." It was impossible to see through his sunglasses, but he was almost definitely narrowing his eyes triumphantly. "May I present the worst family game since Hot Cockles, teaching babies about capitalism since 1892 probably… Monopoly."
*** (ten minutes later)
Karkat shifted impatiently in his seat on the floor. "I don't fucking want to play your stupid bulgecoddling Earth game, this is going to be the worst fucking thing since Kanaya organized that horrible sewing circle."
"It was not a sewing circle. I told you, you could also knit or crochet. And I for one am eager to learn more about Earth culture with this game."
Karkat scowled. "Fuck this, I'm leavi- HOLY MOTHER OF JEGUS FUCK I AM BEING THE DOG GIVE IT TO ME!" He lunged at the box as Rose removed the top.
Dave grabbed at it too. "No the dog is mine it has always been mine forever you get your alien paws off my barkbeast! You don't even know what kind of dog this is. You don't deserve my doggie!"
Rose snorted, turning to Kanaya. "See, this happens every single time anyone plays Monopoly. And it only gets worse from here-"
Kanaya ignored her. "No I want the dog give it to me!" She leapt forward, scrabbling for the piece.
Terezi leaned forward. "Are we fighting over something?" She said, sniffing, and jumped onto the squabble, her hands flailing around. "I WANT THE DOG!" Her hand closed around it and she brought it to her tongue. "NEVERMIND THIS IS A TERRIBLE DOG!" She threw it to the side, where it almost hit Karkat's face.
"It's mine! Fuck off, you slobbering grubfucking idiot, Strider!" He shouted.
Dave glared at him and grabbed the racecar instead.
Rose rolled the dice. "And then I move forward that number of spaces, and I can buy the space I land on."
"No actually you have to buy it unless you don't have enough money." Dave corrected.
"That's not how you play it. I've been playing this game since I was five, Dave. I think I know how to play this."
"Believe me, I'm like the king of this game. You have to buy it." Dave crossed his arms.
"I like Dave's version better. And I'm the bank, so I get to decide." Terezi said, holding out her hand for the money.
Rose reluctantly handed her the money. Terezi immediately licked the paper and then added it to her pile.
Kanaya sighed, leaning over the board and reaching for the money. "Terezi I don't think that you keep it for yourself. It's the bank's money, not yours."
"I AM THE BANK." Terezi slapped Kanaya's hand away.
The dice clattered across the board. "I'm on fucking Rose's territory again! These nooksucking dice are loaded, gogdammit. What did you do to them?" Karkat slammed the money down.
Terezi grinned wildly. "And that'll be a yellow tax!"
"It's called ten human dollars," Kanaya growled, "and you do. Not. Get. It."
Dave snatched the dice away from Karkat, blowing on them and throwing them hard on the floor. He counted under his breath, moving his piece. "I have to agree with Karkles here. How much money do you even have, Rose? You probably own like half the world by now. Probably tore houses down to build your capitalist towers of doom. Thousands are left homeless because of your massive, looming presence. 'LaLonde Industries: this shit's mine.'"
Rose leafed through her money, smirking. "Only a few thousand. Don't worry, Dave. I'm sure you'll be able to rise up and enter the competition. Even you can penetrate the world of business and leave a family fortune."
Kanaya glared at the board. "No Rose I am pretty sure Karkat and Dave are correct. You can't have that much human money without cheating."
Terezi pulled some money away from Rose. "Green cheating tax!" She rolled the dice before anyone could object. "Yes! Reading Railroad! 200 to the bank!"
Karkat screamed, an unnaturally shrill sound. "Reading rainbow isn't fucking open! It's mine! Give me the 50 grubfucking fake dollars, Terezi, pay the fucking rent!" He slammed his fists down, shaking the board and shifting everything on it, knocking down some hotels and game pieces.
"You moved my piece!" Dave grabbed the dog piece and dropped it on the Jail square. "That's what you get for that!"
Kanaya threw her money down. "This is stupid and I hate it. Rose I don't know why you would make me play this. Human board games are terrible." She stood up and stomped out as loudly as she could, muttering about how much she hated Rose now.
Karkat picked up the board, shaking everything off, and threw it down hard. "Fuck your stupid fucking alien game!" He started after Kanaya, then turned back. "And I'm taking the fucking Scottie dog!"
Rose laughed, turning to Dave. "So they ended up getting quite an accurate example of a Monopoly game, didn't they-"
Dave glared at her. "Oh so now you try to play nice. Don't think I'm not on to you, you fucking cheater." He sulked off in the opposite direction of the two trolls.
"I'm not a cheater! Don't call me a cheater just because I'm better than you at a board game! I'm the Seer of Light, that probably has something to do with it!" Rose yelled after him. "…you're just fucking jealous, Dave!"
She got up, looking for a second at the game, deciding not to clean it up, and stormed away.
A moment passed.
Terezi picked up two large handfuls of Monopoly money.
"A billion dollars to the bank of Terezi! And Legislacerator Pyrope wins again!" She grinned wide and threw the money in the air, cackling.