Djemma el Fna

by Floreana

Marrakech. No I wouldn't have believed anybody who told me that I would once live here. I didn't plan it. I had quite a different life in mind. But that dream ended badly. And I couldn't get rid of the searing pain that was caused by the loss of my one true Love. But I was content now. Until that very moment.

Disclaimer: Mrs. Meyer owns it all. Enjoy.

Djemma el Fna - الفناء جامع

„Mummy, who's that man over there? ".

I was in Marrakech, Morocco standing in the middle of the grand place Djemma el Fna in Medina, the oldest part of the city. Never had I thought to end up in a place as exotic as my new home town with it small wonders: The smell of herbs sold in the Souk mingled with the rich perfume of clam chowder cooked in the tiny cook shops, the cobalt blue died cloths which were reflected in hundreds of shiny flatware and dozens of ripe oranges were pressed out by the sellers for customers to taste. I loved the fuzzy ado all around me. If one stood on Djemma el Fna during one of the five praying times the Muslim population took, one could hear the buzzing voices of the whole quarter's muezzins.

No I wouldn't have believed anybody who told me that I would once live here. I didn't plan it. I had quite a different life in mind. But that dream ended badly. When my world was turned upside down I first fell into some kind of short catatonia, followed by a zombie like state that lasted for month. After being forced out of it by my dad's worry I lived through a time of adrenalin addiction. I rode motorbikes until I landed in hospital and nearly drowned by jumping off a cliff. After that Charlie, my Dad, laid down the law and grounded me until graduation. In the following fall I moved to Seattle to attend University. There the adrenalin addiction turned easily into an even more serious kind of addiction: I went out each night, drank, smoked pot and at some occasions I took cocaine and chowed down pills like M&M's. I slept with every guy who wanted- but I couldn't really get rid of the searing pain that was caused by the loss of my one true Love. The first two years of college went by like a rush- and I was high.

I came around one night in a public bathroom. I had wanted to go dancing even though I had felt nauseated the whole day already. After I'd chucked up my pint on the club's floor I fled into that bathroom and hid- and thought -and suddenly I started counting the days since my last period. I recognized some other irritating symptoms and left to find the next drugstore.

I had stared at the pregnancy test that told me I actually was pregnant. I panicked completely but just a second. Actually the pregnancy kind of saved my life. I stopped drinking and smoking, talked with my teachers to work out a plan for my future. The news that it would not be just one baby but twins couldn't shock me at that state of mind. The next spring my baby twins Robbie and Lillie were born.

I graduated in English and Literature when the twins were 3 years old. I started to live in Port Angeles to be closer to my dad who would have to babysit the twins if I was able to find a job. I started writing applications unenthusiastically. The old nagging wound was still there and Port Angeles was just too close to…him.

I had been happy when I received a call from my friend Cecil who was just back from her trip around the world and asked me to meet up for coffee. Cecil told me everything about her journey. She was fascinated especially by Morocco and had decided to move to Marrakech. Cecil planned to offer text translating services and blankly asked me if I would join. I didn't really think. At all. I just told her yes.

After that it all went really fast. Before I could blink I had a job. A house in the middle of Marrakech. And was sitting in a plane towards the Maghreb. The twins had learned faster Arabic than me, and when I wasn't working, I used every minute to make our townhouse a cozy home. We were here since two and a half years now and I was- not happy- but surprisingly content. Until that very second my daughter called:

"Mummy, who's that man over there? He's starring- that's rude!"Lilly added sophisticated.

"Let him stare he probably doesn't mean us."

"No not us Mummy you. ..He's starring at you!

I sighed. It happened often, we were recognized as strangers. It was kind of normal to me by the time. But I turned nevertheless.

And dropped my bag.

It felt like seeing a Fata Morgana. My first totally irrational thought was that Alice was a genius to foresee just the only week of dizzy weather in Marrakech. Than it occurred to me that it really had to be him not any of my illusions which started to fade over the years anyway. His name- the six letters I'd forbid myself to think for so long crushed into my consciousness like a racket ball.

EDWARD.

There he stood- live sized, utterly surprised, fathomless and starring at me like he too saw something he never ever imagined to see again. The deep voice of the first muezzin started to call over a mosque's speaker. That hypnotizing, beautiful sound of the drown-out "Allaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" which the other muezzins joint in just mere seconds after the first seemed like a fitting soundtrack for this disturbing moment. But it too snapped me out of my daze. I couldn't do it, I couldn't manage the situation, I didn't want to feel the pain that started to dwell in my body. I had something here. A life, a purpose, goals, plans- I would not mess with that and I couldn't stand it any longer. Although my instincts had been backwards ever since I met him my Fled instinct kicked in now. I had to get away to save what was left of my sanctuary. How could he? How dare he? How dare he come here destroying what little I built for myself. I had to get away. Outrun him. Run Bella run!

I turned on the spot and grabbed the twins by their hands.

"Mummy the oranges!" The bag I dropped had spilled its content on the ground and two pounds of fresh oranges were rolling in every direction. Robbie and Lilly started to go for them but I pulled them with me and told them to leave the fruits where there were, panic dropped from my voice like acid. "But Mom!" the twins called in unison. I pulled them on their hands hard and hissed:" Move!"

I wasn't a strict mum, rather consequent, but I never got loud or bossy with them- It wasn't necessary- they were angels disguised as devils and I could handle them with being consequent alone, so when I all but screamed at the both of them, they knew I was dead serious. They moved without question falling silent at once. It then occurred to me I wasn't able to go home. We didn't live far from Djemma el Fna- just a short walk- but I couldn't risk him following us there. I was fully aware that he could nevertheless but I…I…had to try. Do you think you could outrun me? I crossed Djemma el Fna as fast as possible with two short legged kids at each hand and in the end I ran to catch the bus which was just about to leave the station.

Riding the bus in Marrakesh was normally a pain in the ass and something I usually tried to avoid. The vehicles were always hopelessly overcrowded and the drivers wouldn't wait if you came running- they would start to roll forward- in their opinion if you'd truly wanted to catch the bus- you'd run…and jump . As I said normally I tried to avoid it, but today was anything but normal. So I ran for it…and jumped …with two kids who probably thought their mother finally snapped. The bus was so crowded I had to ensure the twins had at least some space to breath- they were too heavy already to carry both of them.

My breathing was ragged and labored. I wanted to scream my fury and my pain to the world, I wanted to roll into a ball and hold my aching middle together with my arms. But I couldn't not here- not now. My eyes flew nervously from face to face. Nothing. He wasn't on the bus. Good. Breathe Bella. We exit the bus at the last station and went for another line that would bring us back into the city. Due to direction and the time of day this bus was remotely empty- so we could actually sit down. After a few minutes Lilly dared to speak to me: "Mommy why are we running?"

Do you think you could outrun me?

"We're not honey, we're riding the bus." I answered distractedy. "That is not what Lilly means, Mom, why are we running from that man- why we didn't just go home? Is the man dangerous?" Robbie asked.

Do you think you can fight me off?

"Nobody ran from him- I don't know the guy- let's say I just wanted to see some other parts of the city for now- ok?"

"But Mom!"

"Please I really don't want to talk about it right now-ok?" I said begging them with my eyes to let the topic drop. The twins exchanged a knowing glance and sat back in their seats. Robbie took his sister's hand and they just looked at each other. I smiled almost a true smile then. While Lilly was more forward, demanding, loud and 10 minutes older, Robbie was rather quiet and subtle more the strategic. But while Lilly protected him against me, classmates or teachers- it was always Robbie who comforted her when something drastic happened to them both.

We didn't reach Medina where we left it. The bus line I chose stopped farther away from where we lived than the one which took us out of town, so we entered our quarter north not south. We walked the rest of the way in silence. When I closed the doors behind me I breathed a sigh of relief. These walls wouldn't hold a vampire back I wasn't naïve and the feeling of security was irrational but I felt much safer, more concealed than in the open streets. "My home is my castle" I remembered the old saying. When I bought the house it was in need of a thorough renovation. I did most of the things myself with low to no budget. In the patio and the bathroom tales were broken, so instead of replacing them I arranged the pieces to new patterns in the joint sealer. I thought it fitting- the house was like me torn and broken only hold together by some glue.

The house was furnished with mismatching hand-me-downs, single pieces of bulky waste I painted, cleaned or repaired, the kitchen and the dishes were collected together and the only things I bought new were our mattresses. A queen sized one for me and two twins for the twins. Back in Seattle they slept in one bed but as I offered to get them a mattress to share they said they'd prefer their own bed. But when I came to say good night the evening I had the mattresses delivered I saw they pushed both of them together holding hands in their sleep right above the gap. My heart had swelled for them. "You two will never be truly alone- you'll have each other…" I whispered lovingly. Torn and broken I was, but something held me together- my kids, my twins -I had to be strong for them- keep it together as long as I was able to fool them. Someday they would notice how damaged their mother truly was. Someday they would leave and I would fall apart. Alone and unwanted. They had each other- always- I couldn't imagine the two of them separated even when they would be grownups. I saw them sharing an apartment together as they attended college- perhaps back in the States. Not alone. Always together. Soul mate received at birth. Always the two of them. Never alone. It was then that I had to turn and leave because I felt such strong envy I felt like screaming. Yeah, sometimes I envied my own children. Sometimes I felt singled out.

I tried to act as normal as possible for the rest of the evening. Made dinner and functioned. The twins understood not to bring up my weird actions and went to bed the first time I said it without the usual half an hour complaints. When I entered their room an hour later to check on them and tuck them in I found Robbie still wide awake. He looked at me and whispered: "I know what that man was, Mommy…" I froze. How could he possibly know? "You, you do?" I asked hoarsely.

Say it out loud.

"Yes, he's a Terminator!" Robbie whispered excited. I tried not to break into hysterical laughter. Robbie and Lilly recently watched the repeat of the series and especially Robbie was obsessed with terminators- he saw them practically on every corner. I chuckled .

"I don't think so, Honey, don't worry no Terminator will come here, ok?"

"Ok, but I still think he is a Terminator…" he mumbled already half asleep. I brushed the hair from his forehead and retreated.

"Good night, I love you both." I whispered and left.

Now I could break down. Not loud of course. No screaming, no kicking, no cursing. But perhaps a quiet cry? I put so much energy into keeping it together for the twins before I could finally bath in my despair that I just felt utterly empty. No crying now- perhaps later- for now the roof had to do.

The roof terrace was my refuge. During the day it was too hot to linger there, but in the night it was the coolest place in the house, and it was all mine since the kids normally would be in bed before the temperature there would drop tolerably . I had arranged pots with roses, summer jasmine and hibiscus plants around the terrace. The flavor they created was literally breathtaking. The terrace was rather small- beside the plants there was just enough space for a sun bed an armchair and an iron coffee table. Tonight we had a full moon which's light shined so bright I didn't need the lamp.

Of course there would have been more space if the twins would have let me remove the shed. The thing offended me from the beginning. It took half of the place and limited the view. And possibly unstable. At first there were so many other things to do around the house I never found time for it. And when there finally had been time, the affair with the bat happened. One night the little leech just decided to die on my roof. It didn't though. We found it midday suffering from a broken wing and dehydration. It immediately cast it's evil spell on the twins and they begged me into keeping it. Robbie and Lilly solemnly escorted the bat to its new home- the shed. I hated the critter from the very start with a passion. And the feeling was mutual . It got hyper nervous whenever I came close. And it always flew into my hair. It was totally lovely with the twins though. They called it Wayne- after Bruce Wayne- Batman's Alias. I knew action movies weren't appropriate for five-year-olds, but that truly wasn't my fault. I read them children's books-showed them kids TV-if ever. And they could lose themselves in made-up plays, but they just weren't interested in fairytales and farm kids adventures- they wanted action- and super heroes. So rather then risking them doing it serety I allowed it- teeth kept analyzing the protagonists' split personalities like soon to be psychologists.

So Wayne it was- and it didn't die, but its wing never healed properly and so Wayne slept in the shed at day and trashed clumsily in and out of it at night. It never occurred to me until now that my feelings of refusal towards Wayne could be rooted in the possibility that bats reminded me of vampires somehow. Well Wayne fussed around in the shed and had yet to emerge. I ignored him.

I knelt down behind the sun bed and pulled back the loose brick in the wall. I hid my alcohol there. I had no preferences. Usually it would be whiskey- but today it was anis schnapps. I didn't hide it because of the kids- nor to not offend possible visitors. It was something I granted myself from time to time and I considered it strangely private. A secret between me and myself. I purred me a glass and laid back on the sun bed. I took a sip from my drink and another one. I tried to breathe even and deep. I had to think and to sort. Could I pretend that all of this didn't happen? Nothing would change by today's events- so couldn't I just forget- go on with my life? I pretended so much already could I pretend this? Now my fear to be followed by him- my anxiety not to let him see the place I had created for myself- seemed ridiculous. It wasn't like he had wanted to visit me; it had been clear from his face he'd never expected me to be there. He had been shocked probably embarrassed and reluctant. He probably was relieved that I fled, because courtesy would have required some small talk. Although it would have been less unsettling for the twins if I had managed the situation like a grown-up. But the sheer idea of it made me nauseated. Edward had made himself so very clear that he didn't love me- didn't want me. And I didn't want his pity. It would have been unbearable to answer his polite questions, perhaps admitting there wasn't someone in my life. No. Absolutely couldn't have done it. I had hoped that the pain would diminish. And I thought it had. The dreams still came but I not longer awoke screaming- it's just not something you can do when kids are involved. And they keep you occupied at day. But now after seeing him again the pain was oh so close to the surface and it hadnt lost any of its old force. No- I was safe now- safe from him- safe from my old self- I could pretend nothing happened tonight cause I was sure I'd never see him again.

This is the last time you ever see me…

I took another sip from the glass, closing my eyes listening to the sounds of the city: The muffled chatter of my neighbors, distant engine noise and the rattle of the sellers' carriages.

"Hi…"

I froze.