AN: This is a prequel to my AMAZING story The Big Bang. Some pretentious noob reviewer told me to fix my grammar so I did lolz. I'm calling them a pretentious noob cause they didn't even know what a flame was and they were trying to criticize me, and they even had the nerve to say it as a guest without even reading the story through. Bakas shouldn't nag when they don't even know what they are talking about. :p Also half of those words were in Chinese, not Japanese. You colossal dumbass.
ps: a flame is an insult, far different than constructive criticism, cover art by me
One last note to all my other readers (besides you pretentious noob cause you obviously can't read) I suggest you look up any reference you don't understand on google
Sakura flashed a beautiful smile as she pranced down the hall, her ass showing the perfect amount of swaying as usual.
A familiar pig-tailed shoujo ran over to the gorgeous, rainbow-haired, Sakura-chan. "OMG, today was MY day to spend with Sakura-sama!" Lenalee-tan clasped her hands together, locking her fingers. "Sakura-sama, you're dropping your sparkles! Here let me pick them up."
Lenalee-tan bent down, her butt was showing but no one cared cause they were ALL looking at Sakura-chan.
If you haven't realized yet Sakura, or Sakura Nochte Destiny Aurelia Walker, was gorgeous. No, scratch that. She was the epitome of perfection. Her rainbow hair spewed sparkles in hazy tendrils of twilight, people were always picking up her sparkles for her. Her eyes were a murky shade of her emotions that one could lose themselves in. Everyone—shounen and shoujo—, except Allen (her aniki) and Kanda (his waifu), wanted her.
Unfortunately, she was taken by the anthropomorphic Timcanpy-kun. He had golden hair and the lean limbs of a bishounen. He had a curled tail, and majestic angelic tsubasas. They were extremely dedicated to each other.
Sakura-chan remembered the day they got married. They already planned a name for their child if they ever had one. Sakura-chan like the name Mary, but Timcanpy liked the name Sue. They decided a good compromise was to combine them both for the name Mary Sue. If it was a boy he would be named Marty Sue, but they already knew they were having a girl because they only wanted a girl. Obviously, the power of their love-bonds would grant them a magnificent baby shoujo.
"Ahhhhh, Sakura-sama... Komoi-nii wanted me to tell you that he had a mission for you..." Lenalee-tan pouted a little.
"Aww aren't you so cute when you pout." Sakura-chan said. She was also extremely modest. She was the only one who didn't see her own perfection.
Lenalee-tan desu blushed and scurried away because her face was as red as ketchup-kun.
"Let's go Timcanpy-kun" Sakura-chan held out a perfectly manicured hand, her fingers were as graceful as a sleek AS 350 Ecureuil helicopter. Timcanpy-kun flashed a loving smile, as bright as Vega, and grabbed her hand with his yaoi hand, too bad he wasn't into that stuff.
Together, they ran into the sunset, haha lol just kidding, they ran to Komoi-kun's office. Crimson blood, as red as Link's loftwing, flowed ceaselessly from the nasal cavities of those in their vicinity.
Komoi-kun's office was covered in papers, they were porn magazines. But no one needs to know that.
Sakura-chan groaned and rolled her eggplant-shaped head, her perfectly braided hair fell out from its confinement and cascaded down her back into hazy waves of heat. "Gawds, Komoi-bancho, you gotta stop looking at porn mags"
Komoi-kun desu blushed like his sister but didn't run away, he didn't want to lose sight of Sakura-chan's twilight sparkle hair. "Well, I have a mission for you. I need you and Timcanpy-kun to find the person with the key to the lock of his heart for Kanda-kun. Recently he has been grouchy and hard to look at. He won't listen to me either. Getting him to do anything is like trying to get Shinji into the fucking robot."
Sakura-chan grinned coyly, "I know just who would be perfect for him."
Timcanpy-kun looked dubiously at her, "You're not saying...?"
Sakura-chan's smile broadened, revealing two small fangs that made her look a little naughty. "Yes... onii-chan"
Kanda sneezed. For some reason, he felt a growing sense of foreboding as he stood up, his inky nubile indigo midnight tresses swaying. He was bored. Kanda was being grouchy, but not more grouchy than usual. Komoi-kun just wanted to mess with him, his porn mags were getting far too generic, kind of like eroge these days, and just like season two of OreGairu will be.
Kanda-kun felt a sternutation, someone was thinking about him. He activated his seme powers searching for the source. It was probably that idiot Moyashi. Che he thought as his shoulders broadened to over 9000 leagues. His drill shaped chin could pierce the heavens.
Kanda's seme powers allowed him to scope out any uke within 413 parsecs. Quickly he located the bean sprout, who was in the cafeteria. He strode there in exactly 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028 steps with the interminable length of his yuri legs, slamming the doors open using palms the size of the Hercules-Corona Borealis Great Wall. His keen eyes scanned the room from his fermion-sized head.
With the approach of the broad-shouldered seme, Allen felt his uke powers reacting. His eyes molded to the size of the Epcot globe, his lashes lengthened by 238900 miles, brushing the surface of the tsuki, his waist shrunk to 4.242564 Planck lengths, he felt the magnetic hankering in his pants, whilst defying physics, measured up to almost 69 teslas, drawing him to the dominant seme.
Sakura-chan appeared beside her onii-chan. She whispered in his ear, "Onii-chan, I was walking down the hall yesterday, I heard something strange outside of Kanda-kun's room. I think he is... active right now. You should avoid him, I think he has been having yumes about you. Wink wonk."
Allen-chan blushed, he realized Sakura-chan never lies (because she is perfect). Allen wanted to do naughty things with the overpowering seme. Suddenly, Allen lost all control to his powerful, incessant, uke hormones. He helicoptered over to the seme.
The tension between them was as taut as Legendary Triforce Hero Link's grapple hook, the pressure measuring up to almost 11037 atmospheres. Everyone in the room could see the potential babies to be made, as risqué as 50 Shades of Grey the movie.
"I can't wait any longer." Kanda-kun growled deep as the Marianas trench, far exceeding 24601 fathoms. His Hercules-Corona Borealis Wall hands engulfed his uke as he sped off into the sunset.
Sakura-chan high-fived her waifu-kun and, whilst flashing him a lascivious smile as spellingbinding as the Malleus Maleficarum, started to make out with him. Everyone took out their Canon EOS 70D DSLR cameras and were relentlessly snapping pics of them. It had become a meme, Sakura-sama and Timcanpy-kun snogging eachother, and everyone, except for the two victims themselves, were meme-loving trash.
Suddenly there was a crash, then a scream, and the Black Order was plunged into darkness as thick as sponge-fog from Thundercats. Sakura-chan's eyes glowed an eerie midnight purple color as she activated her night vision.
Timcampy-kun reached out a long-fingered, delicate, hands towards her, "Sakura-chan, we must escape. Take my hand and escape with me into the sunset."
Sakura-chan's eyes did that sparkle thing, and a single tear billowed down from her face. "Timcanpy-kun..." she moaned lovingly, "I MUST KILL WHOMEVER TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS! I WANT TO SEE YOUR HANDSOME FACE!"
With that Sakura-chan whipped out her flamethrower scythe and swagn it around like Hank Aaron, swiss-cheesing the cake-like darkness. Her weapon burned like the Great Fire of Rome, her eyes blazed with fury like a passionate shounen protagonist.
With a leap as high as the Tokyo Skytree, she vaulted across the room and onto a mysterious figure. Her foot was like a line, and the figure's neck was the asymptote. With lightning fast reflexes she swiped her stiletto knives across the throat, therefore defying the laws of radical functions. However, perhaps the neck was a horizontal asymptote, therefore allowing the line to pass through as an exception. Well it didn't matter anyway, her knife slit her foe's throat and she leapt back with a grin.
Suddenly the lights flickered to life, and Sakura-chan stepped back to look at her handiwork. There lie the expired corpse, as dead as Lost fans when the writers screwed them over with a purgatory ending, of Tyki Mikk-me. Sakura-chan blew a sunshine flavored kiss to her lover-kun and beamed, as bright as Lucifer himself, and the dearly departed Tyki Mikk-me's ghost felt a shiver in his lumbago.
With the return of the lights, Sakura-chan basked the warmth of her lover-kun's smile that she had so yearned for. However, she still remembered the pain, the lamentable woe, and vowed to never let it happen again. She was going to use her super highschool level bishoujo powers to asphyxiate the Millenium Earl, thus preventing any scenario in which she would not be able to see Timcanpy-kun's face.
end of ch 1
Translations
Honorifics:
-me= durogatory term
-chan= kawaii
-tan= more kawaii
-kun= bishounen (hell yeah)
-sama= oh great one
-bancho= leader
Tsuki= moon (duh)
Aniki= big bro
Waifu= lover