One day, a chinchilla barfed up Nebraska.
The End
Aw, you came for the JtHM fic? Well, then, JtHM fic you shall have.
Chapter One- Demon Squirrel
When Johnny C. came home from wherever he had been at about five-thirty PM to find that his house had been mercilessly egged, he was, needless to say, supremely pissed off. To further his displeasure, he went around back to find the culprit, a jerk of about 18 who could commonly be seen stalking one of the neighborhood girls around, spray-painting hot pink profanity on the wall. We all know what happens next, yes? Good. Glad to hear it. So we'll skip the part where he slices the bastard's hands off, crams the paint into his ear, and removes several of the vital organs to replace them with eggs, yelling "How would you like being a house, huh?!! Or the person who lives in one disguised as a frying pan?! YOU MAKE ME SICK! Staining my house with your shitty bilge! EGGS ARE NOT FOR HOUSES! NEITHER IS PAINT!!! A WASTE OF MATERIAL!! What gives you the right to vandalize my home? YOU THINK THIS MAKES YOU LOOK COOL? Fuck, your hands are FILTHY!" only to jam said hands down the guy's throat [quite the hypocrite I am, yes?]. At about 12:30 [don't ask why it took so long, I think Johnny took his time wit dat one] the remains of the bad, bad person were hurled out the window. Coincidentally, at the same time a girl in her late teens could be seen hurrying down the sidewalk, slurping hopelessly at the very last of a RazLemon Torture Brainfreezy. The sound of the corpse smacking wetly against the wall of the neighboring house [insert terrified Squee-noise here] gained her attention, as well as the spatter of blood that landed, to her annoyance, on her sneaker. She walked slowly over the where the undoubtedly dead person lay, ignoring the "Keep off the loose dirt" notice posted out front. Upon closer inspection, she found the carcass to be that of Derek, who had been a member of the football team in school and had been following her around for the past few months. No matter how many times she had kicked him in the head, the asshole had never quit, once attempting to sexually assault her. This merited an angered punching from the girl, who then made a hasty escape via her car Well, he most certainly wasn't going to be harassing her anymore, that was for sure. She grinned, then sternly reprimanded herself for being so heartless. Better thank whoever did this, she thought briefly, then smacked her head lightly again. Eh, why not, she decided, and, shrugging, walked up to the house with boarded up windows, #777 (heaven? she wondered) from which the body had originated, and pressed the doorbell. This triggered unearthly moans from somewhere within the innards of the dilapidated building, causing the girl to raise her eyebrows and mutter "Oooo...spiffy." She heard from behind the door a barely audible "Who the hell..." preceding the shoving-open of said door by the owner of the house. She peered at his infuriated face, making out spiky blue hair [yes, Nny does have blue hair, dammit!] and a sickly yellow complexion. He seemed just ultimately spooky in some kind of inexplicable way, and he had really cool boots. She then noticed the outright venomous look he was sending in her direction.
"It's the middle of the night, what the hell are you doing here? Who bare/b you?! I am ireally/i not in a good mood currently, so I suggest you leave immediately."
"I know, none of your business, Zephyr, that's apparent, I would prefer not to just yet." she replied, ticking off the questions and utterances she had answered on her fingers. "Although I suppose..." she reevaluated, putting a hand to her hip, "that it is your business, as the discussion I had hoped to be involving myself in was to take place with you at the other end." She grinned widely, and eyed the room that was just visible over Nny's shoulder. Not heaven, she noted. Johnny was now staring at her, considerably disturbed by the presence of this girl who was, strangely enough, undaunted by his menacing person.
"Well, then, answer me. Why exactly are you standing outside of my house at..." he checked his watch, "twelve forty-three in the morning?" Zephyr grinned and made big eyes at the body lying crumpled across the small yard [yum! blood!by the way, this is not a love fic! anyone who thought so, kindly get your head out of your ass! you know who you are!]. "Well, I would have thought it to be quite obvious to you, seeing as to the fact that recent events have been rather unpleasant and volatile, but I suppose not. May I come in?" Johnny was trying to decide whether to kill her or not when she asked this question, thus, his mind being preoccupied with a much more important uncertainty, he allowed her to step over the threshold. Zephyr immediately sat cross-legged on the floor and stared at him, waiting for him to sit as well. Nny did, cautiously, on the box near the wall. "Now will you tell me what in the name of Moose you're doing in my house?" "Let's leave moose out of this, shall we? Wait, what's the plural of moose? Is it moose, mooses, or meese? But you're right, I should elaborate as to why I'm sitting on your floor in the middle of the night. You have no idea as to who I am, yes?" Johnny searched his memory for a second. Her face looked slightly familiar, but not in the negative way that so many did these days. He couldn't recall ever talking to her, so he had probably just seen her walking aimlessly around, as so many people in this place did most of the time. Or perhaps she just had "one of those faces". She certainly didn't look very healthy, even though her skin tone was not by any means pale. Her hair was short, reaching almost to her shoulders, purple, and stuck out in odd directions. She was wearing these weird skinny oval glasses too. "No, I don't. But what does this have to do with-" "I suppose that doesn't matter. What matters is what you did tonight, or rather, last night, as it is now in the A.M. I saw the body of Derek Walker being expelled out the window before." Nny raised an inquisitive eyebrow, as if to say 'And your point is?' Zephyr looked moderately surprised that this revelation of her witness to this atrocious crime did not provoke a louder response from this individual, but she shrugged and continued. "Well, is there any particular reason for his needing to be so...dead? You seem to have put a lot of work into killing that idiot." "Did you see the house?" "Oh, he did that?" She didn't sound that terribly astonished by the fact. "That asshole. I really have to thank you for ridding the world of his person. So what's your name, anyway?" Before Nny could answer, a loud pounding and several angered squeaks issuing from the wall caught Zephyr's attention. "Holy shit, what the hell was that?!" "I don't know, that wall's been making strange noises lately." Zephyr stood and walked quickly and silently over to the wall in question. She rapped on it several times with her knuckles, then put an ear to it. As if on cue, the wall emitted several strange, squishy belching noises and a scrabbling rustle ensued, moving to the other side of the wall. "Just as I thought. Hm, can I borrow that knife?" Johnny, his common sense (or lack thereof) overcome by curiosity, handed a short, very sharp knife to Zephyr. "Don't worry," she assured him before thrusting the knife into the wall "I'll fix it later! Gimme more knives!" Not waiting for him to give them over, she snatched them out of his hand and created a small circle in the wall by sticking them in different spots. Enraged screechings and scraping vented from the area. Zephyr seized a jar full of pens off a nearby desk and, dumping the pens out of it, deftly smashed the center of the circle with it, creating a dented cracked area. She pulled off the plaster and plunged her hand into the wall. Nny, who was finding this all very interesting, watched as Zephyr dug around for a bit and pulled out a snarling, spitting mass of grey fur. "You got a cage or something?" she asked, holding the ferocious creature at arm's length. Nny snatched a shoebox out of the corner, cleared out the miscellaneous junk inside, and handed it to her. Zephyr then shoved the infuriated beast into the box and smacked on the lid. "Got it! D'you have some tape or something?" Johnny picked up a string and held it out. "What about this?" "Yeah, that's good." Neatly tying the string around the box, Zephyr smiled, stepping back. "There!" Nny, stared at the screeching box, then kicked it experimentally across the room. This caused it to fall silent for a second, then resume its snarling tantrum. "What the hell IS that?!" "Oh, that's the demon squirrel that was in your wall!" Zephyr became suddenly serious and stuck a pen through the side of the box. There was a chewing sound, then the distinct sound of a pen popping, followed by a squeak. She fell to the floor in a fit of giggles. "They fall for that EVERY TIME! Yeeheeheeheeheeheeheehee! Ahahahah! Hahah...heheheh..." She wiped away a tear of laughter. "Hah. You see, these little pieces of nonsensical poop nest in walls and make simply awful noises. So I catch 'em, bring them home, and feed them to my pets. There are always more of them, though..." She looked thoughtful for a second, then yanked the knives out of the wall and handed them to Nny, who stuck them in a drawer. Zephyr eyed the destroyed area of wall. "Umm....You've got Spackle, right? No wait, I think I got some..." She dug around in her backpack and pulled out a jar of stuff, spreading it over the wall with a large spoon after shoving the hunk of plaster back into the hole. "There we go! Urgh..." She looked at her watch. "One in the morning...I gotta go. Maybe I'll get some sleep, but I doubt it. I guess I'll just get a coffee and draw something for the rest of the night...good thing tomorrow's a Saturday. Wanna come? My treat!" She yanked a wallet out of her pocket and waved it around a bit, then jammed it back in, shoving her glasses up the bridge of her nose. She then noticed the questioning look Nny was giving her and clarified the situation. "Not a date, no way! I've never been comfortable with personal situations like that. Nuh-uh, no way, no how. I hate them. No, coffee...coffee has never symbolized anything near romance to me. I drink it for two reasons- The caffeine, and if it's got chocolate in it. I'll drink chocolate by the gallon. So you coming?" She made big puppy dog eyes up at him, and that was when Nny made the decision that if he could go through the night without killing her, he might consider putting up with her being...around. Or something. She was annoying, but seemed nice. Ah, what the hell. "Sure, I guess. Fuck, what have I gotten myself into..." "YAAY! YAAAAAAAAAAY! You're gonna love this one place, they've got this great stuff that passes off as coffee--" Zephyr grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him into the street, where she immediately turned and bolted to her car at the far end of the block, which she had been walking to when she passed his house. She hopped in, jammed the key into the ignition, and twisted it hard, bringing the engine roaring to life. The little Volkswagen sped back to where Johnny was standing, staring, wondering how this girl had ever gotten a licence. He shrugged, feeling tolerant, and got into the car. Before they embarked upon their quest for coffee, the mentally spotty driver of the small vehicle, eyes straight ahead, asked "So what's your name, anyway?" "Oh, uhh...Johnny, but you can call me Nny." "Okay then, Nny, I'd put my seatbelt on if I were you." She demonstrated with her own, dramatically, comparably to a fighter pilot. Zephyr turned, flashed Johnny one insane grin, and floored it.
The End
Aw, you came for the JtHM fic? Well, then, JtHM fic you shall have.
Chapter One- Demon Squirrel
When Johnny C. came home from wherever he had been at about five-thirty PM to find that his house had been mercilessly egged, he was, needless to say, supremely pissed off. To further his displeasure, he went around back to find the culprit, a jerk of about 18 who could commonly be seen stalking one of the neighborhood girls around, spray-painting hot pink profanity on the wall. We all know what happens next, yes? Good. Glad to hear it. So we'll skip the part where he slices the bastard's hands off, crams the paint into his ear, and removes several of the vital organs to replace them with eggs, yelling "How would you like being a house, huh?!! Or the person who lives in one disguised as a frying pan?! YOU MAKE ME SICK! Staining my house with your shitty bilge! EGGS ARE NOT FOR HOUSES! NEITHER IS PAINT!!! A WASTE OF MATERIAL!! What gives you the right to vandalize my home? YOU THINK THIS MAKES YOU LOOK COOL? Fuck, your hands are FILTHY!" only to jam said hands down the guy's throat [quite the hypocrite I am, yes?]. At about 12:30 [don't ask why it took so long, I think Johnny took his time wit dat one] the remains of the bad, bad person were hurled out the window. Coincidentally, at the same time a girl in her late teens could be seen hurrying down the sidewalk, slurping hopelessly at the very last of a RazLemon Torture Brainfreezy. The sound of the corpse smacking wetly against the wall of the neighboring house [insert terrified Squee-noise here] gained her attention, as well as the spatter of blood that landed, to her annoyance, on her sneaker. She walked slowly over the where the undoubtedly dead person lay, ignoring the "Keep off the loose dirt" notice posted out front. Upon closer inspection, she found the carcass to be that of Derek, who had been a member of the football team in school and had been following her around for the past few months. No matter how many times she had kicked him in the head, the asshole had never quit, once attempting to sexually assault her. This merited an angered punching from the girl, who then made a hasty escape via her car Well, he most certainly wasn't going to be harassing her anymore, that was for sure. She grinned, then sternly reprimanded herself for being so heartless. Better thank whoever did this, she thought briefly, then smacked her head lightly again. Eh, why not, she decided, and, shrugging, walked up to the house with boarded up windows, #777 (heaven? she wondered) from which the body had originated, and pressed the doorbell. This triggered unearthly moans from somewhere within the innards of the dilapidated building, causing the girl to raise her eyebrows and mutter "Oooo...spiffy." She heard from behind the door a barely audible "Who the hell..." preceding the shoving-open of said door by the owner of the house. She peered at his infuriated face, making out spiky blue hair [yes, Nny does have blue hair, dammit!] and a sickly yellow complexion. He seemed just ultimately spooky in some kind of inexplicable way, and he had really cool boots. She then noticed the outright venomous look he was sending in her direction.
"It's the middle of the night, what the hell are you doing here? Who bare/b you?! I am ireally/i not in a good mood currently, so I suggest you leave immediately."
"I know, none of your business, Zephyr, that's apparent, I would prefer not to just yet." she replied, ticking off the questions and utterances she had answered on her fingers. "Although I suppose..." she reevaluated, putting a hand to her hip, "that it is your business, as the discussion I had hoped to be involving myself in was to take place with you at the other end." She grinned widely, and eyed the room that was just visible over Nny's shoulder. Not heaven, she noted. Johnny was now staring at her, considerably disturbed by the presence of this girl who was, strangely enough, undaunted by his menacing person.
"Well, then, answer me. Why exactly are you standing outside of my house at..." he checked his watch, "twelve forty-three in the morning?" Zephyr grinned and made big eyes at the body lying crumpled across the small yard [yum! blood!by the way, this is not a love fic! anyone who thought so, kindly get your head out of your ass! you know who you are!]. "Well, I would have thought it to be quite obvious to you, seeing as to the fact that recent events have been rather unpleasant and volatile, but I suppose not. May I come in?" Johnny was trying to decide whether to kill her or not when she asked this question, thus, his mind being preoccupied with a much more important uncertainty, he allowed her to step over the threshold. Zephyr immediately sat cross-legged on the floor and stared at him, waiting for him to sit as well. Nny did, cautiously, on the box near the wall. "Now will you tell me what in the name of Moose you're doing in my house?" "Let's leave moose out of this, shall we? Wait, what's the plural of moose? Is it moose, mooses, or meese? But you're right, I should elaborate as to why I'm sitting on your floor in the middle of the night. You have no idea as to who I am, yes?" Johnny searched his memory for a second. Her face looked slightly familiar, but not in the negative way that so many did these days. He couldn't recall ever talking to her, so he had probably just seen her walking aimlessly around, as so many people in this place did most of the time. Or perhaps she just had "one of those faces". She certainly didn't look very healthy, even though her skin tone was not by any means pale. Her hair was short, reaching almost to her shoulders, purple, and stuck out in odd directions. She was wearing these weird skinny oval glasses too. "No, I don't. But what does this have to do with-" "I suppose that doesn't matter. What matters is what you did tonight, or rather, last night, as it is now in the A.M. I saw the body of Derek Walker being expelled out the window before." Nny raised an inquisitive eyebrow, as if to say 'And your point is?' Zephyr looked moderately surprised that this revelation of her witness to this atrocious crime did not provoke a louder response from this individual, but she shrugged and continued. "Well, is there any particular reason for his needing to be so...dead? You seem to have put a lot of work into killing that idiot." "Did you see the house?" "Oh, he did that?" She didn't sound that terribly astonished by the fact. "That asshole. I really have to thank you for ridding the world of his person. So what's your name, anyway?" Before Nny could answer, a loud pounding and several angered squeaks issuing from the wall caught Zephyr's attention. "Holy shit, what the hell was that?!" "I don't know, that wall's been making strange noises lately." Zephyr stood and walked quickly and silently over to the wall in question. She rapped on it several times with her knuckles, then put an ear to it. As if on cue, the wall emitted several strange, squishy belching noises and a scrabbling rustle ensued, moving to the other side of the wall. "Just as I thought. Hm, can I borrow that knife?" Johnny, his common sense (or lack thereof) overcome by curiosity, handed a short, very sharp knife to Zephyr. "Don't worry," she assured him before thrusting the knife into the wall "I'll fix it later! Gimme more knives!" Not waiting for him to give them over, she snatched them out of his hand and created a small circle in the wall by sticking them in different spots. Enraged screechings and scraping vented from the area. Zephyr seized a jar full of pens off a nearby desk and, dumping the pens out of it, deftly smashed the center of the circle with it, creating a dented cracked area. She pulled off the plaster and plunged her hand into the wall. Nny, who was finding this all very interesting, watched as Zephyr dug around for a bit and pulled out a snarling, spitting mass of grey fur. "You got a cage or something?" she asked, holding the ferocious creature at arm's length. Nny snatched a shoebox out of the corner, cleared out the miscellaneous junk inside, and handed it to her. Zephyr then shoved the infuriated beast into the box and smacked on the lid. "Got it! D'you have some tape or something?" Johnny picked up a string and held it out. "What about this?" "Yeah, that's good." Neatly tying the string around the box, Zephyr smiled, stepping back. "There!" Nny, stared at the screeching box, then kicked it experimentally across the room. This caused it to fall silent for a second, then resume its snarling tantrum. "What the hell IS that?!" "Oh, that's the demon squirrel that was in your wall!" Zephyr became suddenly serious and stuck a pen through the side of the box. There was a chewing sound, then the distinct sound of a pen popping, followed by a squeak. She fell to the floor in a fit of giggles. "They fall for that EVERY TIME! Yeeheeheeheeheeheeheehee! Ahahahah! Hahah...heheheh..." She wiped away a tear of laughter. "Hah. You see, these little pieces of nonsensical poop nest in walls and make simply awful noises. So I catch 'em, bring them home, and feed them to my pets. There are always more of them, though..." She looked thoughtful for a second, then yanked the knives out of the wall and handed them to Nny, who stuck them in a drawer. Zephyr eyed the destroyed area of wall. "Umm....You've got Spackle, right? No wait, I think I got some..." She dug around in her backpack and pulled out a jar of stuff, spreading it over the wall with a large spoon after shoving the hunk of plaster back into the hole. "There we go! Urgh..." She looked at her watch. "One in the morning...I gotta go. Maybe I'll get some sleep, but I doubt it. I guess I'll just get a coffee and draw something for the rest of the night...good thing tomorrow's a Saturday. Wanna come? My treat!" She yanked a wallet out of her pocket and waved it around a bit, then jammed it back in, shoving her glasses up the bridge of her nose. She then noticed the questioning look Nny was giving her and clarified the situation. "Not a date, no way! I've never been comfortable with personal situations like that. Nuh-uh, no way, no how. I hate them. No, coffee...coffee has never symbolized anything near romance to me. I drink it for two reasons- The caffeine, and if it's got chocolate in it. I'll drink chocolate by the gallon. So you coming?" She made big puppy dog eyes up at him, and that was when Nny made the decision that if he could go through the night without killing her, he might consider putting up with her being...around. Or something. She was annoying, but seemed nice. Ah, what the hell. "Sure, I guess. Fuck, what have I gotten myself into..." "YAAY! YAAAAAAAAAAY! You're gonna love this one place, they've got this great stuff that passes off as coffee--" Zephyr grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him into the street, where she immediately turned and bolted to her car at the far end of the block, which she had been walking to when she passed his house. She hopped in, jammed the key into the ignition, and twisted it hard, bringing the engine roaring to life. The little Volkswagen sped back to where Johnny was standing, staring, wondering how this girl had ever gotten a licence. He shrugged, feeling tolerant, and got into the car. Before they embarked upon their quest for coffee, the mentally spotty driver of the small vehicle, eyes straight ahead, asked "So what's your name, anyway?" "Oh, uhh...Johnny, but you can call me Nny." "Okay then, Nny, I'd put my seatbelt on if I were you." She demonstrated with her own, dramatically, comparably to a fighter pilot. Zephyr turned, flashed Johnny one insane grin, and floored it.