The journey back was harder than any I had ever endured. Both physically and mentally, I was exhausted. Niylah and her father had gifted me a beautiful black horse to ride, but the poor animal was becoming weak, so we rested on the side of a rocky mountain covered in crags with weeds springing from them. From there, I could see the dim lights of Camp Jaha illuminating the dense fog. In the months I was away, I tried my hardest to rid everything out of my mind, but I couldn't. The memories were becoming foggy and the faces of the people I cared about were difficult to retrieve from the back of my mind. I knew it was time to return home when I had a dream of a faceless Bellamy, who ignored my every word.
I promised myself since I was a little kid, that I would remember all of the most important memories for my entire life. But, as I sat on a boulder around my weakening fire, I realized I had forgotten the feeling of my lips on another person's. The memory of my last kiss with Finn still burned brighter than my first and maybe last kiss with Lexa. The thought of either kiss still forced a shiver of pleasure and breathlessness to roll up my spine. I played both memories over and over again in my mind in an effort to recall something I might have missed. Each time I tried, the vision blurred.
I could remember the pressure of the kiss with Finn. The stares of both the Grounder army and my people made the kiss more intense and frightening. I could remember the exchange of breath and the way he faded away after his last words: "Thanks, Princess." Just before that, I told him I loved him, although I didn't. I wasn't sure about my feelings then, but I needed him to know that someone cared. And I know he knew that I cared, but seeing as he kept stalking me silently in a silent ghostly form after he died, I thought he knew my true feelings. Lexa's kiss was different: soft yet powerful, like the flap of an eagle's wings. I could feel Lexa's love through the touch of their lips, and it felt wonderful, but I didn't exactly feel the same way.
I was never the girl that people were interested in. I was never one for dating, and I kept to myself most of the time on the Ark. I was the daughter of the most powerful woman in space, so I knew what power was like. Being Wanheda differed though. It was exhausting and the time that I had spent away from everyone was like a bird being released from iron bars. Everyone expected something from me, and it was nice to just be a hunter for a while.
My journey to and in Polis was liberating and stressful all at once. I began to understand the way that the Trikru and the rest of the clans felt in the forest. When I left my people, all those months ago, I had nothing packed. Honestly, I had decided to leave spontaneously because I didn't think I'd be able to face the people I saved by killing hundreds of innocent Mountain Men. I survived in the forest using strategies that I had seen the Grounders use. I trapped rabbits and picked berries and lost myself in the Earth. I met Niylah when I stumbled across her trading post in the forest. She gave me shelter and companionship while I caught rabbits and hunted furs for her to trade. I spent some time in Polis, but it wasn't for me. The people there either treated me like an outsider or Wanheda. I did miss my people, especially my mother and Bellamy, but I rarely thought about them except for times like these, and in my nightmares.
Sitting and thinking around the fire was not one of my favorite things to do, but ever since I began my journey back to Camp Jaha, all I have is alone time. I was about 10 miles away from camp, If I ride quickly, I could be there by tomorrow afternoon. My horse had rested for a number of hours, and soon he would be ready to deliver me home.
The sky was gradually getting lighter, but it was blanketed in dark grey clouds that made me slightly claustrophobic. I wished I could peel the clouds away so that I could see the sky where I had once lived.
I mounted my steed once the sun lighted my path. The horse was still a little weary and I could feel it through the rhythm of his breaths, but I felt the Camp calling my name. I needed to go home, if I could still call it that. I pushed my horse forward, and with a heavy sigh, he began his bumpy trek. With each of his long strides, I could feel the tension arriving. All I could do was hold onto my horse's mane and embrace these last few hours of peace.
I felt a burst of pain in my leg as I tumbled off of my horse, who had tripped on a root in the forest. I knew he was getting tired, but Camp was only a mile away, and my excitement was beginning to be uncontrollable. My horse lay on his side on the ground and didn't even attempt to stand up again. His breaths were ragged and his side rose and fell quickly. I gently yanked the bradle off of him in order to help him breathe more easily. My thoughts were flawed, and as I moved the reins out of the way, he struggled to rise. I calmed him down and let him rest as I checked the rest of his body. His back leg was sprained and there was no way for him to walk home. His eyes followed me while I kissed him on the head, promised that I would come back for him, and left him lying on his side. A rough neigh called for me as I disappeared through the trees and realized that I had abandoned one of the only beings that genuinely cared about me.
Shots rang out as I reached the field that stretched in front of Camp. I almost didn't recognize it because new trees and bushes had grown since I left. The gunshots took me by surprise, obviously. I probably looked like hell and I was on our land, after all. But I hadn't heard gunshots in a long time, and I almost didn't recognize the sound.
"That's Clarke! Stop shooting!" I heard the harsh voice of someone I had missed dearly: Bellamy. "Clarke!" I saw him running towards me from across the field. His steps in the long grass caused a path to form behind him. His arms were swinging at his sides and the gun slung over his shoulder was bouncing against his back. "Clarke!" I didn't know what to do, so I froze until he reached me.
He put his hands on my shoulders as soon as he was within an arm's-length of me. I studied his face while he looked over me. His eyes were a window to his soul. Even when we were partners back in the dropship, I could always tell how he was feeling by glancing into his dark brown eyes. Now, he was relieved to see me, just as I'd hoped. But there was something else in his eyes that I had only seen once before, which was when I left. It was affection. Bellamy smiled with just the corners of his mouth. I had missed that smile.
"Hey, are you okay? How have you been? Where did you go? What hap-..."
"Bellamy." I stopped him before he could ask any more questions. I really did not feel like answering them. Before I could stop myself, I wrapped my arms around his waist. He reluctantly reciprocated by tightly enveloping his strong arms around my shoulders and resting his chin on the top of my head. For a moment, all of my fears faded away. I was once again with person who made me feel the most comfortable; the person who wouldn't let me do anything alone. I breathed in his scent. Musky, sweaty, smoky, Bellamy. His hands gripped my shoulders securely, as if to say 'Don't leave me again.' I pressed my face into his chest as if to answer 'I won't leave you again.'
"Clarke?!" Bellamy released me and I looked over his shoulder to see my mother and Kane quickly approaching, leaving their own trails behind in the overgrown grass. My mother Put her hands on the sides of my face to examine me, like she always did. Her face looked visibly older, probably from the stress of being Chancellor.
"You never said goodbye!" My mother said, suddenly pissed off, just like any other mother when their child runs away from home for a long time. Honestly, when I left, I didn't even think to say goodbye to her. I didn't think of her at all, and for that I will feel forever guilty.
"I'm sorry, Mom." I said sullenly. I really was sorry. She hugged me tightly, not nearly as tightly as Bellamy did, but still tightly.
"My horse is hurt about a mile from here," I told them. "Can we go back and get him?" Kane laughed.
"Yeah, I'll send a team out to get him." He said playfully.
"What? Why are you laughing about?" I felt irritable all of a sudden. I felt like my emotions were overwhelming me. I was finally home, and all Kane does is ridicule me. I expected some mockery and hate, but not from him.
"You finally come home after all these months, and the first thing you ask is for me to rescue a horse? Come on, let's get you settled back in Camp." Mom put her hand on my upper back to guide me. My matted hair draping her fragile hand.
Just as I expected, I was greeted by hateful glares, concerned stares, and uneasy glances. I cut cut the tension with a knife. I must have looked nervous, because Bellamy set his hand on my shoulder to steady me. The touch of my best friend's hand gave me power, and I walked to the heart of camp with an unwavering gaze.
"Clarke?" I heard the familiar voice of someone I hadn't thought about in months. Raven ran towards me with Wick by her side. Her prosthetic leg looked a lot better than it did when I left. "How have you been? Where did you go? Are you ok-...?" Raven began spitting out the same questions that Bellamy did. I dismissed her with a hug, which she carefully matched. I kinda expected her to still hate me. I was a bitch before I left.
"I missed you." She said. "We all missed you." She said it softly, as if she didn't want anyone else to hear. I understood.
"I sent a team to retrieve your horse." Kane said from behind me. "They should be back in a couple hours. For now, let's get you settled in. I'm sure Bellamy wouldn't mind giving you a tour." Bellamy sighed for an unknown reason and gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze as if to say 'Let's go'.
He led me away from the group and I could feel my mother's eyes burning holes in my back.
The sun peeked over the thick clouds as Bellamy showed me Arkadia's renovations. A handful of log cabins were built about a quarter of a mile away from the original ship. Wreckage was removed and buildings were built to house a medical facility and a daycare. Arkadia looked… a lot better than it did before I left. For some reason, a thought popped into my head that it was my fault that it looked so bad before. Maybe it had been my fault, I helped us join a war.
"So when are you going to tell me what happened out there?" Bellamy interrupted the tour and stepped aside so that he was facing me with his hands on my shoulders.
"But nothing really happened." The truth. "And I only came back because I thought you all might have needed me." A lie.
"Clarke," He said my name breathlessly, like he didn't even mean to say it. "We will always need you. You are the glue that kept us together during our hardest times. And I-"
"Thats a lie." I cut him off and pushed his hands off my shoulders. "You don't need me, and you didn't then either. I killed all those people in the Mountain. I killed Finn. I am a monster and no matter where I go, I will be the same killer." Tears began coating my bottom eyelids and were waiting to plummet, just as I was waiting to crash to the ground and break down like I really needed to. "I let everyone down." I tipped my head down and my tears fell.
"Hey." Bellamy's usually gruff voice became empathetic and soft, and that was rare. "You are not a monster, and I gave you forgiveness already, remember? You belong here with us. With me." I looked into his eyes and saw stars. My mother used to tell me that if someone looked at you with stars in their eyes, you were meant to be together. The stars in Bellamy's eyes were obvious. I panicked. All I could see was red as I turned and sprinted back towards the heart of camp; to Raven. I needed someone to talk to. Bellamy was calling my name as I left him in the dust.