The first time Titus tells someone about Kimmy, it's in response to someone complaining about their awful landlord, and Titus joins in by saying, "Oh, don't even get me started – did I tell you about the ridiculous girl Lillian installed in my apartment because I happened to be a couple of days late on my rent?"
(He is, of course, speaking figuratively, in that "a couple of days" means "several months" – but, his conversational partners being fellow off-brand performers in Times Square, this was clearly understood.)
"How dare she!" Captain Canada says, holding his Maple Leaf shield aloft.
"That is an outrage!" Oleg the Snowman says.
"I know!" Titus says, warmed by the righteous indignation.
"Just another example of a one percenter imposing their will on the common people," the Imitation Snow Queen says, with a wave of her cape. "I keep telling you, if we don't come together and –"
"Ugh, Occupy Wall Street was like three years ago, Not-Elsa," Titus says, trying to put some distance between them. "Take a cue from your persona and cool it. Lillian isn't a one percenter anyway."
"My persona is Eleanor the Snow Witch, as you know, Titus. And one percenters never think they're one percenters, just like hipsters never think they're hipsters and crazy people never think they're crazy," Eleanor says.
"Well, you would know about that," Titus mutters.
He doesn't mutter quietly enough, because Eleanor raises her wand in anger. "Did you just accuse me of being a hipster?"
"I was actually leaning toward crazy," Titus says.
"Oh. Crazy's all right," Eleanor says, lowering her wand. "But you need to do something about your landlord and this roommate! What if she's a hipster?"
"She's not a hipster," Titus says. "She's – I'm not sure what she is, actually. But she's not that."
xxx
The week after Kimmy moves in, Titus goes to a party and finds himself standing in the corner with a very handsome young man named Edgar, who has just moved to New York and discovered the joys of living with a roommate.
"She never leaves her room. Like, ever." Edgar waves his stuffed mushroom for emphasis. "If I'm home during the day, she never comes out into the living room. I'd think she was dead if she didn't have this incredibly annoying dry cough that penetrates every wall and door in the apartment. Last night I heard it as I was coming up the subway stairs, and I'm not sure if that was how far it really carries or if it's just wormed its way into my brain."
"Oh, I feel you," Titus says. "My roommate has entire conversations with herself that I can hear through the walls. And I don't mean the usual kind, like, 'You can do it, Titus!' I mean, full on, entire conversations."
Edgar gives him a sharp look. "Could she be trying out for a reality show?"
"That's what I thought at first too! I did that when I was trying out for Bravo's show about aspiring hand models-"
"The Hand Job? I loved that show! You were on it?"
"No," Titus says, stirring his drink. "Apparently I have a callous on my middle finger that was too prominent to treat in time for the show."
"I'm so sorry," Edgar says. "So if your roommate isn't trying out for a reality show, then what is she doing? Is she an actress?"
"No, she's not a performer at all," Titus says.
Edgar gasps so loudly that three people nearby turn to stare. "Then why is she here at all? Oh my God. She's not a writer, is she? Those are the worst."
"Don't get me started on those," Titus says, glad to turn the conversation away from Kimmy.
(Kimmy had been sitting on the couch in their apartment when he left for the party.
"Have a super rad time!" she'd said, giving him two thumbs up.
He'd thought of inviting her along, for a moment; she was so upbeat and fundamentally likable, Titus was pretty sure she'd have a good time. But he hadn't. They spent enough time together already; they were roommates, not friends; he didn't want to set a precedent.)
"Tell me more about your crazy roommate," Edgar says. "What kind of stuff does she talk about?"
"Oh, you know. Girl stuff," Titus says. "You know, 'I hate my period!' and, well, I don't know. it really doesn't happen that much. Is that Paula Abdul?"
"Where?" Edgar says, spinning around, and Titus uses the distraction to duck away.
xxx
"I told you that your jump scare security system wasn't a good idea," Titus says, holding a bag of frozen peas out to Lillian.
"I guess not," Lillian says, holding the bag to her eye. "I just didn't expect someone as little as Kimmy to cause a problem. You responded okay, though it did take a little while for the waterworks to stop."
"That is a very common involuntary reflex," Titus says, brushing away at his cheek. "The tears clear your vision so you can better see your attacker."
"If you say so," Lillian says, with a frown. "I'm not sure about this Kimmy."
"Oh, she'll be all right," Titus says, because even though she ran out of the apartment screaming, the one thing he's learned to depend on about Kimmy is this: she'll be okay.
"Sure, she'll be all right. But what about us? You should have seen the way she came at me," Lillian says. "She was scary. And I'm saying that as someone who lived through both Giuliani and John Lindsay's Manhattan."
"She's just feisty," Titus says. "Kimmy wouldn't hurt a fly – well, not unless the fly had it coming. And to be honest, jumping out from behind the furniture like that, you kind of did, Lillian."
"I guess that's true," Lillian says.
It's only later, when they're sitting together watching Wheel of Fortune ("I swear, Titus, so much has changed, and yet this is still the same – it feels like magic! Seriously, do you think Vanna White knows a wizard or something?" Kimmy had said when he asked her why she was so attached to it), that Titus realizes he probably could have gotten his apartment back to himself earlier in the day if he'd taken the conversation with Lillian another way.
"You are really good at these Before-and-After ones, Titus," Kimmy says. "They are so tricky."
"I keep telling you, the connective words are key," Titus says.
"I know, but I just get so excited to figure any of the words out," Kimmy says, and then grabs Titus's arm. "Oh my gosh, Titus, I just had the most amazing idea. We should go on Wheel of Fortune! They go around the country, right? They have to come to New York eventually, and who better to be on there than a pair of awesome roommates?"
"Being that close to the Sajak would be incredible," Titus says, considering. "But my wi – oh! I've got it! Boys and Girls Club Sandwich!"
"Nailed it again!" Kimmy says, holding her hand up for a high five.
xxx
When the host tells him that a sad-looking young man explicitly asked to be seated in his section, Titus takes an extra minute to fluff up his werewolf fur before walking over to the table in the corner.
The primping is unnecessary. "Oh, Dong. You sad, adorable little man."
"I am not little," Dong says. "How is Kimmy?"
Titus looks around at the very quiet 3PM crowd and takes a seat at Dong's table. "I think you should probably talk to her, not me."
"I have tried," Dong says. "Every time we talk about it, she says that she understands what I did and that everything is fine and she sounds very cheerful – but I am so confused because everything is not fine! Everything is awful."
"You've got that right," Titus says. "Do you know how much I would typically enjoy the intense drama created by a green-card marriage to one woman when the person is in love with another? This is exactly the kind of TV movie I would schedule my life around. But in real life, it's horrible!"
"Truly horrible," Dong says. "But maybe I am wrong about Kimmy. She is a very special girl. Maybe she is too special for me. I thought she felt the same as I did, but if she does, how can she be so okay with everything?"
Titus wants to answer – wants to say, "Acting like she's okay is her whacked-out coping mechanism, of course she's not okay! That girl is crazy in love with you! It is obvious! She is straight-up heartbroken over it, eating ice cream out of the carton like a sad 90s rom com cliché, and it honestly makes me want to kill you because you are the source of her pain!"
But Titus doesn't say any of that. He says, "I'm sorry, Dong. But please, don't give up on Kimmy. She's working through some stuff, and one thing I can tell you for sure is that she is not okay with it."
"She is not?" Dong says, looking more hopeful than Titus has seen him since before he and Kimmy went to Indiana.
"Not even a little bit," Titus says.
xx
When Titus comes home and finds Kimmy lying on the couch watching Celebrity Name Game instead of Wheel of Fortune, he marches over and turns off the TV.
"Hey! I was watching that!"
"The Kimmy I know would never turn away from the Wheel, no matter how dark the times," Titus says. "Don't you remember that the auditions for the New York show are coming up in six weeks? We need to stay sharp!"
"I'm sorry, Titus," Kimmy says. "Puzzles are too hard right now."
All of Titus's determination to go home and have a capital-t Talk with Kimmy about The Dong Situation evaporates in the face of her misery. Titus walks over to the couch and gestures for Kimmy to scooch over a bit so that he can sit down. "How about if I do all the puzzles. Would that be all right?"
"That would be good," Kimmy says.
Titus turns on the TV, and stays true to his word, solving every puzzle, down to the prize package at the end. By that point, Kimmy has shifted so that her head is on his shoulder. "Do you think they're friends?"
"Who? Pat and Vanna?"
"Yeah, do you think they do stuff together?" Kimmy says. "I mean, obviously at first they were just kind of put together, but look at them now. They always walk offstage laughing over something. What do you think they're laughing about?"
"Probably the dumb stuff that brunette from Columbus guessed," Titus says.
"She was pretty awful," Kimmy says. "Homework instead of Hodgepodge? The category is Rhyme Time! Come on!"
"The state of Ohio should issue a formal apology for producing her," Titus says, and he's only exaggerating a little bit. Pat says something to Vanna that makes her laugh and then shake her head in that oh-that's-so-Sajak way she does. "Yeah, I think they're friends. It probably started as just a work thing, like they get along because they had to because they spent so much time together. But now you can see that they really like each other, you know?"
"Maybe they even have dinner together sometimes," Kimmy says.
"And Pat probably drinks a little too much, and Vanna has to drive him home," Titus says.
"Vanna's probably all, 'Just one, Pat, we've got a show to do tomorrow,'" Kimmy says, holding out her hand in a slow, dramatic fashion similar to how Vanna gestures toward a square to reveal a letter.
"And Sajak is all, 'Vee-Dub, I run that show, I can drink as much as I want!' And you know he does," Titus says .
"Vee-Dub?" Kimmy says.
"V – W. For Vanna White," Titus says.
"Oh, I like that! Let's call her that from now on," Kimmy says, putting her head back down on his shoulder. "Yeah, I definitely think they're friends for real."
"Me too," Titus says.
.end.