Things had been… 'awkward', as of late. Sole had assured him numerous times that things were fine between them, that they loved him, that he had done nothing to upset them. But.. Things were definitely different from how they used to be. Different from how it used to be before their.. break-up. He cringed inwardly at the self-reminder. It hadn't been a decision he'd taken lightly and it had been one he'd put off for as long as possible but at the time it had just felt like the thing that needed to be done. It had seemed that this perfect reflection of himself, the missing piece of his own soul had distorted and fractured until they started to resemble another person entirely. It was selfish, he'd be the first to admit that, but he'd also genuinely hoped that it would be enough to snap them out of whatever trance they'd fallen into. He was fearful, of course, and God was he fearful that instead he would just push them away entirely – lose them forever. But he had hoped, hoped and prayed, that his sole would come through for him. Return to him as the beautiful person they were meant to be. That they'd step away from the edge of.. well.. the edge of whatever it was that had been effecting them so badly. It had seemed to have paid off. They took a week out for themselves heading who knows where whilst he returned to Good Neighbour to check on things there. When sole returned to invite him back on the road it seemed like they were back to their old self again. Warm. Comforting to those less fortunate, deadly to those who deserved a show of force.
He heaved an unsettled sigh and from the shabby ceiling of the room they had rented he looked down to the person resting soundly against his chest. He remembers approaching them. Having finally built up the courage to breech the subject again he had apologised for what he had said to them. Had thanked them from the bottom of his heart for bringing back the person that he loved.. His stomach had felt like a heavy, frozen glacier as he suggested they get back together for fear that they would reject him although he would say that he thought he made a pretty good show of being smooth and calm about it on the surface. He remembered with discomfort the look in sole's eyes then.. They looked.. lost. Scared, like a small child. 'Will you really take me back?' they had asked, and he had felt his heart ache at the thought of the pain he must have caused them.. From then on things weren't.. 'bad' between them but he couldn't shake this sense of distance sole seemed to be keeping. A sense of wariness as if they were suddenly aware how fragile a relationship can be and he didn't want this. He didn't want that sole should feel afraid of him.. that they needed to walk on eggshells around him and nothing he seemed to say or do changed that.
He missed the little things they used to do.. Things like how they would take the time in an elevator or corridor just before a battle began to caress his cheek and look to his eyes. Like, how after a mission had been reported to their client of the time they would find him leaning against a wall or a post and saunter over with that little smile, their eyes fierce with confidence and purpose as they kissed him long and slow before any onlookers as if making sure they all knew what was theirs. Now those eyes always seemed to be full of apology. To be seeking out approval or asking for acceptance.
Perhaps it was all just in his head, he wondered to himself. Taking down the Institute was no small feat. It was bound to effect anyone with any sense left to lose. Amid his turmoil of thoughts he did not expect to hear the voice of one he had believed to have been sleeping for the last number of hours and it startled him making him jump lightly. "I.. haven't been completely honest with you," they said and he mulled that one over. There was a loaded statement if ever he heard one and he wondered for a moment if he ought to sit them both up for this discussion. Sole made no effort to move from his form however and really he felt no urge to push them from it. Instead he adjusted himself so that he could look into their face, meeting their eyes questioningly with what little moonlight shone on them.
"I mean.." they amended, sounding like they were already having some difficulty saying these words aloud. "I should have confided in you long ago but I- I was, scared. Scared for Shaun, myself. Scared you might do something to get yourself hurt, I don't even know anymore.."
"Confide what?" the ghoul asked, watching them trace circles nervously around his damaged flesh. He took their hand to end the anxious gesture and prompted them more gently with a tilt of his head, coaxing them to look at him.
"It was 60 years," they told him brokenly. "60 years since they stole my baby boy.. They- They raised him, made him a part of the Institute and he.. he grew up long before I ever got the chance to find him.. He was sick," they pressed on shaking their head, not wanting to side track on that right now. "He had wanted me to take up the role of leadership in the Institute when he- when he was gone. I tried. Oh I tried so hard. I thought I could make it work – thought I could build new bridges between them and the Commonwealth but the more I went on the more I lost focus of what really needed to be done. The more I ignored the cries around me and the people that I hurt and saw only the fancies I'd made up in my own head. I think I would have been lost to that delirium until it was too late to turn back if you hadn't.. stood up to me." They fail to reach eye contact with him at that and he knows immediately to what they were referring. He'd had the event on his own mind just a few moments ago. It certainly answered a lot of questions though; shed light on the reasons 'why' his beloved had changed seemingly overnight into someone he could barely recognise. He felt guilt build in waves.
"I'm sor-"
He found his apology cut short by sole's fingers upon his lips, their head shaking slowly. "You didn't know and, honestly, I needed that sharp slap back into reality. The thought- No.. the fear of losing you was everything I needed to pull myself back together. You saw me at the edge of a dark place and called me back from it and even after I must have hurt you so deeply.. you were still there for me. You've already told me so much about yourself. About your past and.. about how you feel. But I was thinking.. I haven't really ever told you anything."
They frown looking inward it seems and he hears himself responding, pleased to hear that his voice doesn't betray him as he speaks with his usual charm and upbeat charisma. "Hey now, that wasn't a business transaction. You don't owe me anything," he is quick to assure them. He receives what looks like a soft, half-smile in the dim light.
"No.." they agree, "but I want to.. I wan-… I want to try.."
Hancock felt himself frowning. Try what? Had he really missed something so important here? He'd thought he was pretty good at reading people. He remained silent, only nodding for them to continue with whatever it was they wanted him to hear.
Sole took a steadying breath before beginning. "You once told me, that I was your missing piece.. but, I don't think I ever told you that- ..that I feel the same.. I mean.. Life before the war, I thought I'd done pretty well for myself. I had a home, a family, a job.. I had achieved everything the average person strived for. I thought I had everything I'd ever want or need but what I never realised at that time was, I never really felt.. 'whole'. I never felt like I could wholly be myself. There were always so many social standards to live up to, so many things you had to be or at least seen to be.. Things you couldn't say, things you shouldn't do.. And then, it was all gone. In the blink of an eye. And I was left.." Sole took another breath. "I was left with nothing. I didn't know what to do, what to think. It felt like I couldn't really belong anywhere in this world anymore, not really. I started out trying to help people but it felt like every mouth I fed someone else's back got a knife in it.. Seemed like every door opened was just a new view of a world that grew ever darker and.. ever lonelier.. And then, you."
Sole took a moment to look up at him there, seeking his eyes and even in the poor light he could sense the emotions there; peace, gratitude.. love. It stole his breath for a moment and he wondered what on earth he could have done to improve their view of this bleak world. It's not like he was above murder and blackmail! When it was deserved, he reminded himself. And perhaps therein was the difference.
"You had everything you could have wanted.." sole pressed on. "A home in the largest, possibly safest city in the Commonwealth. Your brother became its mayor. You could have wanted for nothing if you so sought but instead.. instead you became a drifter. Bottom of the running and, more than that you stuck to it. You kept with them and lead them to a better living. Just because it was the right thing to do. And when you started travelling with me, honestly? I didn't even know what to think."
"What do you think now?" Hancock heard himself asking in a low, gravely sound. He very much wanted to know the answer to that.
"I think.. I can be me," they responded. "I feel like, with you, unlike with the past, or anyone else, I can truly, wholly be 'me'. I feel like, with you, I can let go of any fear I once had of saying the wrong thing or looking stupid or failing to uphold some unwritten law of social norm.. Now, I think that I have found my own missing piece."
The effect sole's admission had on him was indescribable. A rush of adrenaline and a ride unlike any he had experienced before. It was all he could do to keep from pinning them to the bed and taking them there and then. Instead he played it cool, touched their cheek to tilt their head towards his as his body slowly lifted and turned to place them comfortably beneath him. "I'm all yours," he promised them in the hushed breath they shared before their lips met. For the rest of his extended years he would never know what he did in this life or any other to deserve something so incredibly perfect as his beloved.