Disclaimer: I don't own these character. Just playing with them.
Warnings: No really warning except for language and lots of angst.
The tension in the car for the last ten days has been a bitch. Dean would start conversations and Sam would answer, but his replies were stilted and his voice was strained. After a week, Dean had had enough.
"If I can't act like a little bitch, neither can you," Dean had practically shouted out him, while they were driving to the next lead on Kevin.
Sam had started to give him a bitch face, but Dean watched as Sam force his face to relax and nodded, "I'll try harder. Let's just find Kevin and be done with this." He'd turned his face back towards the window.
"Be done with me or hunting?" Dean couldn't believe he'd actually said that. He expected Sam to yell at him for throwing his decision to quit in his face again.
But Sam just gave a soft sigh, leaned his head against the window and said, "Do you care?"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Sam? SAM?" Dean was ready to pull the car over to confront him when he finally answered.
"Nothing Dean. I'm sorry. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep for a few hours and then I'll take over driving."
Dean was going to push it. But when he looked back at Sam, a passing light hit the window just right for Dean to see Sam's expression. He looked ancient and five at the same time. Tears were staining his cheeks and pain was etched across it. "Sam?" Dean said gently this time. He hadn't heard the tears in Sam's voice; he'd always been able to read the signs- well he thought he had. When was the last time he'd seen Sam cry? Or known he was crying at least? When Bobby died?
He honestly couldn't remember if Sam had cried then. He had to of, right? He loved Bobby, but – he didn't remember. Just like when their dad had died, he had been so consumed with his own pain, he'd blocked Sam out. But when Dad died, Sam had forced him to talk. Sam'd cried then, big ugly tears that broke Dean to look at, so he'd stopped looking. He'd cried when he'd had to kill Madison, but- that couldn't be the last time.
No, Bobby had told him he'd been inconsolable when Dean'd gotten killed and he'd seen the tears starting to streak Sam face as he said good-bye. Was that the last time? It bothered him he couldn't remember. He almost had a few times. He'd heard it in his voice, even when he couldn't see the welling tears. But this time he hadn't even heard that. When had Sam gotten so good at hiding this from him? Maybe the year of Ruby when he hid everything from him. When had he gotten so good at controlling it? Maybe the year after when the guilt, pain and sadness was always right there beneath the surface. Dean had stopped looking than too.
There was nothing he could have done to fix Sam at that point and he'd been so angry that year, he hadn't felt much like trying. He tried not to think about that time, which is probably why all that stuff still festered in him somewhere. Garth had said he mentioned Ruby. He'd tried to remember exactly what he'd said but all he could remember really was Sam bringing up Benny and the overpowering rage during his fight with Sam. He did kinda remember Garth trying to calm him down, saying he'd always protected Sam.
When he'd come to, Sam's face was filled with hurt and anger. Dean had seen Garth off while Sam composed himself. And then they'd had their big confrontation by the car. He knew Sam was still pissed when got in the car, which was fine by him because he was still pissed too. But he'd figured Sam wouldn't take more than a couple days to get over it, which is why he went off on him after a week. But now three days after he'd seen Sam crying he still had no clue why. When Sam had woken up, he'd taken over driving. He'd been okay since then, but he wouldn't look Dean in the eye, unless he forced it. And he'd been well –off.
And Dean had gone in the bathroom to grab his toothbrush to pack this morning while Sam was taking a shower. He could see the outline of Sam's body leaning forward against the shower wall with his face hidden in his arms, his body giving small shakes. He was going to check to see if he was sick when he heard what he feared was a sob. Well at least he knew why he never saw him cry anymore.
He didn't know what to say to him. When Sam had come out, he'd been fully dressed and ready to go. If he hadn't been looking for it, he wouldn't have notice the slight red in his eyes. He had pretended to need to borrow floss from Sam bag, so he could check for Visine and found a well-used bottle.
It was almost 10pm when he pulled into a hotel after checking their latest failed lead. He dropped Sam off to check them in, while Dean ran and got them something to eat. And had no more pulled out of the parking lot when his fingers found Garth's number in his phone and called before he thought about it.
"Dean, bro. How are you? Did you need help? I should be fin-"
"Garth, stop talking."
"Right. What did you need?"
Dean figured he might as well rip the band-aid off quickly, "That night I was possessed, what did I say?"
"Dean, buddy, you just need to let that stuff go. That's why you got jumped in the first place. I have the yoga tape-"
"Garth!" Dean took a deep breath before continuing. "Something's bothering Sam. I need to know what I said so I can deal with it."
"Why don't you just ask him?"
Another deep breath. "I tried, he – Garth, just tell me."
"Alright, I guess its not betraying a confidence since I just telling you what you yourself said," Dean really felt he might kill him the next time he saw him. But FINALLY he got to the point. "Well you mentioned Ruby and did he really drink demon blood? That's just EW. You said he'd left you in purgatory and didn't tell you he was back or that he was soulless. By the way you two have very strange lives, even for hunters."
"I mentioned the soulless thing? That wasn't even his fault, he was still in the cage really. God," No wonder Sam was so upset, he'd spent a year and a ½ trying to convince Sam he didn't have to take responsibility for his soulless version's actions, including trying to kill Bobby. Now it just looked like lying to him that entire time. "It's that it?" Please tell me that's it.
"For the most part, yeah." He could hear the hesitancy in Garth's voice.
"Just tell me." He knew it wasn't going to be good.
"You told him that Benny was a better brother than Sam ever was. But you were under a spell Dean. You can't hold that against yourself"
Sam couldn't believe he meant that. He remembered the look on Sam's face as he was lying there on the floor. He did. He'd turned away quickly, but he'd seen it. Sam had walked to the bathroom to clean up as Garth got his stuff together.
When Dean got back to the room, Sam was asleep or maybe pretending to sleep. He'd got so good at faking everything who knew. Dean set the food on the table and walked over to the bed and nudged Sam's arm, "Hey, you want to eat something before it gets cold?"
"Tired," Sam mumbled, not moving.
As Dean ate, he watched Sam. Did he even know this guy any more? Sam had always been his best friend as well as his brother, but they had done almost nothing since he got back but discuss cases and argue. Of course, it had been several years since they'd just hung out. He wanted to relax a little when Sam first got his soul back, but Sam had been intent on jumping back into the frying pan. He knew Sam had wanted to make amends for the things he done that year and half, Dean winced as he remembered he'd thrown that into Sam's face.
Did he really resent Sam for that? He didn't feel like he'd been lying when he reassured Sam but apparently apart of him felt differently. He'd known Sam's betrayal and the demon blood still bothered him. But he didn't like to think about it. Sam had suffered enough, but that didn't mean it didn't itch a little sometimes, especially after what Cas had done. But Sam had to know that it was just the possession talking. It's not like he'd been throwing that in his face.
Dean winced again, not like he had the not looking for him. But it hurt. WHY hadn't he looked? He can't imagine not looking for Sam. It's true he'd had a year off with Lisa and Ben, but he'd always kept looking for a way to get Sam out. He'd failed. But he'd kept trying. Failure he could have handled, but just not- And he hadn't seemed that excited to have Dean back either. He definitely didn't want to be on the road with him. That had hurt too. He just needed to know what had happened.
Sam was sleeping on his stomach with his face turned away from him. Dean reached over and grabbed Sam's laptop that was lying on the table. He opened it up and put in the password. He didn't know exactly what he was looking for but hoped find something that would give him some clues. It took about 45 minutes to find the X that mark the spot. The file was labeled Unica General Hospital.
When he opened it up the first word he saw was his name.
Dean,
I don't know why I continue to do this. They pretty much forced me to do it in the hospital for "closure" and I was willing to jump through whatever hoops they wanted to get out. Now though- It does make me feel closer to you. I don't think that was the intention, but it does. I think it was supposed to help me say good-bye and let you go and I said it did, but I don't think I can.
I don't remember entering the hospital. That scares me a little. Okay a lot. They said I was just sitting with my back up next to the Impala, just dialing your different numbers over and over and over. I don't know what I was thinking all your phones but one were in the car behind me. When I got out, I checked, all your voicemails were completely full. I looked it up online, I think I was at it for hours. So they took me to the hospital. I guess I was almost completely catatonic.
After you disappeared, I kinda lost it pretty quickly. I remember most of that. Driving to the cabin, going through Bobby's books. Calling. Going to Bobby's, fixing the Impala. Calling. Driving back to the factory. Calling. Then starting the whole cycle over again. I guess I got to a point were. It cycled down to just calling. I was afraid Dean. I am afraid.
Last time you were gone. I knew where you were, and I kept coming up with all these plans to save you, but none of the worked. And then I made so many mistakes and did so much damage. I'm scared I'll do the same thing. And I don't feel as if your dead, but what if I'm wrong and I get you back, only to find out you were at peace in heaven.
Did you get blasted to Purgatory with Dick? But humans don't go to Purgatory only monsters and with my demon blood I can see how I might fit the bill but not you. So you'd end up in Heaven, right? Or not, I don't know. Even if you're in Purgatory, how do I get you without letting all the monsters out too, especially Dick Roman. Or is he completely destroyed.
I feel like I'm so close to losing it again.
Sam
Dean
I'm not doing so well without you man. For all your trying to make us stick together when we were younger and me pulling away, I'm the one that can't function without you. You do fine without me. In fact, the happiest you've probably ever been since we were kids was that year with Ben and Lisa. I wanted that for you. I keep asking myself, if I hadn't shown back up, would you still be with them? I know the jinn were stalking you, but maybe if I'd just sent the Campbell's to take care of the problem, you'd still be here. Well not here but still be in this world. Maybe you actually are, maybe the blast kicked you to the other side of the world. But why wouldn't you call. I had to put almost all my phones away. I was beginning to obsessively check them, the way I obsessively called you.
Besides Castiel was with you, if you were on Earth than he would bring you home, right? And he already pulled you back from Hell, surely he could save you from Purgatory, if you were alive. Which means you're dead and likely in Heaven, right? But I can't accept that. But it's actually the best option if your not here, right?
I keep trying to think what you or Bobby or even Dad would do. Bobby would- well did say move on, but that was when your own time was up. Of course, when you went to hell, he accepted it and just drank heavily. I have no clue what Dad would say. If it were me who was missing/possibly dead, I have an idea. But he sold his sold for you and I don't know if there would be any takers for my soul this time, since there wasn't last time, but when you did it, it started the apocalypse-so I'm thinking that's not a good idea. But so help me God, Dean, part of me wants to find Crowley and try. But what if you are in Heaven and I risk the world just to drag you from that night you and Marcy Stewart had in the Impala.
Dad would say I should hunt, but it seems so risky. What if I find out someway to save you and it pops a hole in the world? I'm not completely sure I wouldn't do it. I never told you this but on that case where the trickster killed you over and over again (or I guess Gabriel). I turned obsessive than too. Those months you were gone I became like a killing machine. The trickster –Gabriel-whatever came to me as Bobby and said he had a plan, but it meant draining a person dry. I was pretty sure at that moment it wasn't Bobby. But I played along and started to leave to find the person, but Bobby volunteered himself to die rather than killing an innocent person. I stabbed him with the weapon that was supposed to kill the trickster. I stabbed Bobby because I was PRETTY SURE.
What I'll do to save you really scares me. So now I don't have a clue what to do. When I left the hospital I thought finally-now I can-. And then I remembered I didn't have a hint what to do that didn't have the potential for a lot of collateral damage. I don't know what the right thing is. Before you went to Hell, you basically told me to accept it. I told you to go find Lisa and Ben and be happy. And you were for a while. So is that what you think I should do? Or should I try to risk hunting, and hopefully find you.
Sam
Dean,
It hit me today that you were probably dead. I don't know why. I had left Rufus' cabin trying to do some research and getting nowhere. I was thinking about summoning Crowley and at least try to get information, find out if you were in Heaven or not. Telling myself I just wouldn't take any deal even if he offered it. But I knew that it was just an excuse. I was willing. I want you back. Then I thought about the look of disappoint from you if I trusted a demon again, let alone the king of Hell. And realized I was going down that dark path again.
If you were alive, you would have come back by now. That Castiel would have rescued you from Purgatory. So that means you're gone. And as much as it hurt, it scared me even more. I couldn't make the same mistakes I made before. So I kept driving faster, trying to run I guess, than I saw the signs for the overlook. And I thought there was one way to make sure I didn't make the same mistakes.
I pushed the pedal to down further and I was starting to really pick up speed when I saw a dog on the road ahead. I braked hard but I still hit it. It saved me. So I returned the favor and I rushed it to animal clinic. The vet was able to save him, but guilted me into to taking the dog. He's now sleeping on the other bed where you would normally sleep. And I feel like I'm breaking apart inside.
Sam
Dean felt clinch in his gut. Sam had contemplated killing himself. What if he had succeeded? What if Dean had climbed his way of Purgatory to find his brother gone? Would he ever have known for sure what happened to Sam? After all who ever found him wouldn't have had anyone to call. Sam had no one left. Maybe he would have found out from some random hunter or Sheriff Mills or maybe not. Maybe Sam would have just disappeared. Okay horrible irony. He'd once again have to try to deal with a world without Sam, he didn't know if he'd have survived again.
He definitely wasn't mad about the dog anymore. He may have to send it some steak.
Dean,
I don't know what I doing. I've been at this motel for over a week looking after this dog. When I should be – I don't know. I truly am scared to hunt. When I was with you, I knew I had backup. Not from injury. Honestly death doesn't scare me at all. Which kinda scares me. Remember you said one time we keep each other human, that's what I feel like I'm missing. I don't feel human. I don't feel much of anything the last few days. I spent most of the first half of the week crying like a little girl, you would have laughed.
But now it's like a switch has been flipped, I just shut down. I can think about you without that stabbing sensation, so that's a plus. But I feel removed from the world in general.
I got a job today, don't laugh it's as a handy-man. I know- me. But I guess I picked up enough from you over the years to do it until I leave here. The dog has a follow-up visit soon. I don't know what I'll do after that.
Sam
Dean,
I ran into the vet today. She's staying here too. I'm sure there's a story there. She seems as lost as I feel. She yelled at me and insinuated I was a stalker serial killer. So we got off to a nice start. She reminds me of you though. Getting all badass when you feel vulnerable. She drinks a lot too. I wonder if I should be worried about her taking care of the dog.
Sam
Dean
I had sex last night. The last time I had sex, with a soul at least, was with Ruby. It felt weird. And even worse, I still didn't feel much of anything. Like I was soulless again, but less human. At least then, I completely got off on the sensations, but now- I don't know I felt disconnected from my own body. It was nice being close to someone again. I can't remember the last physical contact I had, that wasn't with a canine. No dumbass jokes. The slap on the back from you before went into the building where you disappeared? The last full-on embrace I think was from Garth. Man, I'm pathetic. Cas did give us that hug together. I miss him.
I know that's weird after what he did to me and we were never that close, but I do miss him. And I'm grateful he saved me. I know you were having trouble forgiving for him betraying you, but I do hope you reconciled towards the end. I know he was important to you.
Amelia, that's her name, she's the vet that I took the dog to. She lost her husband in Afghanistan. She opened up a bit last night and kicked me out of bed this morning. She really does remind me a lot of you, well except we sleep in separate beds-no kicking needed. But you always shut down for a while after opening up.
I wished we'd had talked more that last year. I know you needed to. You were so depressed and angry after Cas' betrayal and then we lost Bobby. I wanted to push you into talking, but I was so shaky that year. I couldn't make you talk the way I had after Dad died, it always came with such anger at first. But when Dad died, we were in a different place. You trusted me completely, loved me without question. I had never betrayed you or let you down. So I knew as angry as you might be, I wouldn't lose you.
I know it was selfish, but I couldn't risk losing you that year. You were already so distant. I think Cas' betrayal reminded you too much of mine. I understood, but with already being pretty unsteady and not knowing if I had much longer to live, I just didn't want to argue. After Cas' saved me, I felt stronger but you were already doing a little better and than we had the Bobby thing to deal with. I don't know I guess I let you down there too.
I feel like that's all I've ever done is let you down. You had such faith in my goodness when we were younger, despite even Dad telling you that I was probably going to turn evil. But you just kept on believing until the evidence was too great to ignore, just like with Cas. I know you felt guilty sometimes about letting me jump, but I'm glad you did. I needed to do that. Not only to make up for past mistakes towards the world, but also so you would once again see me more like the kid you always watched out for and protected.
I know I can never undo the things I did and we were never again how we were before you went to hell, but I want you to know that it felt good to be able to fix how you saw me. To restore a little of your faith. I never felt like I could say this either, like it was bringing up to much pain for you, just for me to feel better, but I never meant it to be a you vs Ruby decision. I stupidly, arrogantly thought I could save the world, that I was strong enough. And thought you just didn't have enough faith in me.
If it was just choosing who I loved or who I trusted more, it would have been you. I just saw your obviously justifiable fears about my powers and my demon blood turning me into a monster and I reacted out of hurt and anger.
If I could pick one thing for you to do differently it would be saving me after Cold Oak. If you had just let me go then, none of that other stuff would have happened. You wouldn't have broken the first seal. I wouldn't have broken the last. I wouldn't have betrayed you. You would still be alive. Bobby would still be alive. So would Jo and Ellen and Rufus and Ash and Pamela and thousands of other faceless people who I'll never meet. I do wish you had just listened to Dad and let me die, but I guess it wasn't to be.
Don't get me wrong. I was in such awe that you did that for me. That you once loved me that much. But I'm still angry you didn't love yourself more. And I worry what damage my love for you will do this time. That's what scares me now, that I will do something that sets off events that cost more lives. So maybe I can save lives by doing nothing. I don't know. I'm still so fucking confused.
Sam
Dean,
This world doesn't feel real. I went back to Amelia and I guess we're seeing each other now, but it all feels like something outside of reality. Not because it's so incredible just because it's ordinary. Did you feel like that with Lisa and Ben? Should I be doing something else? I wish I'd been the one to disappear, I know that sounds like a cheesy melodrama, but you do so much better without me than I do without you.
Everyone in my life is gone. I have no one left. I'm scared of making any new connections with Amelia or anyone for fear of losing them and what proximity to me will do them. But I feel so alone. I NEED someone. Is that horrible? I lost everyone to my own failures and now want new people to endanger too, just because I'm so desperately lonely.
Sam
Dean,
I pulled out your phones today, just to hear your voice. How fucking girlie is that? Amelia caught me and made promise to get rid of them (I told her about the obsessive calling thing). I brought them to Rufus' cabin. I kind of needed the drive anyway. I'm disconnected still, but jittery and like my nerves are exposed.
Amelia getting frustrated I think, I'm sure she just doesn't understand how she can get over a husband more easily than I can get over a brother. But it's like ripping out apart of me. When I try its like my body goes into shock and just shuts down. She thinks I should see someone. But how would I explain our relationship in a way anyone would understand.
I can explain that you practically raised me, but tortured me just like a good brother should. How you were the only constant in my life. How you were my hero, even though I wanted to kill you half the time. How when I was little, being with you was the only thing that made me feel safe sometimes and how there are times when that's still true. How you were my best friend as well as my brother, even though I wasn't even sure you liked me most of the time. How I love you more than I ever loved anyone, that you are my soulmate, even though the thought of seeing you naked when you're not half-dying makes me queasy.
But how can I explain how I know without a doubt you'd not just die for me, but have actually sold you soul, despite being warned by our father that I would likely become a monster. How you suffered 40 years of torture and torment because of it. How you've saved my life countless times beyond that and always had my back. Even after I betrayed you. Even after I became the monster our father had warned about. How you've never let me down, even though I rarely done anything but. How risked your life to make a deal with Death to save my soul, even though I almost killed Bobby and let you get turned by a vampire. How you left the life you had with Lisa and Ben to go on the road with a soulless asshole, because you felt it was the right thing to do.
How you stuck by me when I was a crazy, hallucinating nightmare because I was your brother and that's what family does, despite the incredible burden it placed on you.
Okay that one I could probably tell them but they might lock me back up. I just don't think there is anyway to explain why your loss has almost destroyed me.
Sam
Dean would never admit to anyone and was glad Sam was sleeping; because there were tears coming he couldn't hold back. Despite what Sam had said on a few occasions, he always thought he loved Sam a lot more than Sam loved him. He had just accepted that as a reality. But nothing Sam had written showed anything but complete adoration and respect. Sure it was easy to make saints out of the 'dead', but this didn't strike Dean like that. Although listening to his voice message, just to hear Dean's voice was INCREDIBLY FUCKING GIRLIE. He was definitely getting mocked for that once they resolved their other issues.
He should probably stop reading, after all the knew why Sam hadn't looked and it made sense. He wasn't mad anymore, in fact felt a little bad about giving Sam such hard time for finding some happiness.
But he was greedy for more, he felt like he hadn't heard Sam's thought for years and now he had an all-you-can-eat buffet in front of him.
Dean
I was vacuuming the Impala last night and I felt the bump in the carpet where I hid the amulet before I jumped. (I know you never knew I put it there. I didn't do any real damage. Just lifted the carpet where we'd carved out initials. And you never notice- so back off.) I hadn't thought about it in so long. I checked to see if it was still there after I got my soul back and again after you had to rebuild her again. I wondered at the time if you found it and just hadn't wanted to say anything, but later realized you just hadn't needed to lift that part of the carpet.
The Impala is you more than anything else, which is the reason I put it there to begin with, but I wanted something I could keep with me 24/7. So I defiled your Baby once more. It was heavier than I remember and if I leave it above my shirt when I run, it hits me in the face. But I feel better than I have in months. Closer to you.
Which is stupid, because you threw the damn thing away, I know it stopped having meaning to you long ago. But still I always remember the look on your face when I gave it to you. Amelia asked me about it when I came in and I told her about that Christmas. How Dad was gone yet again and didn't make it back in time and I was really upset (I left out the part about the monsters). So you went and stole presents from the house down the street, not knowing they were all girl's present. And how I gave you the amulet meant for Dad and you never took it off. I think she fell a little in love with you.
She asked if I'd put it there after you'd died. And I didn't want to lie, so I told a partial truth. That I had hidden there after a fight. How could I explain everything that led to the loss of our relationship? How I just didn't mean the same thing to you anymore. How could I explain that I still loved you deeply, but I often wonder if loyalty and familiarity was what kept you by my side?
I confessed a few of my fears to her and she said I was stupid. That how can I believe that someone would die for me, without believing they loved me. But the problem is that you would risk your life for almost anyone. You are just a fucking heroic asshole.
Now you wouldn't sell your soul vote just anyone, but that was long before all my horrible mistakes. And I couldn't tell her that anyway.
Amelia says she not going to stop until I believe you without doubt loved me.
I'll admit I wouldn't mind that.
Sam
Did Sam truly worry that Dean only stayed with him out of some sense of duty. That's ridiculous. The worse part is that Dean didn't sense any anger or resentment, maybe there was some deep down the way Dean's had been. But reading through these it sounded like he just accepted it. He felt a squeeze in his chest. This wasn't stuff that had cropped up after he thought Dean died. This was stuff back from those two horrible years, when God himself seemed to be putting them at odds.
And the fucking amulet. He had regretted it almost immediately, but the two years prior to that night had worn on him and that trip to Heaven was the last straw. All the loss, the hopelessness and everything he'd been through with Sam, he had been filled with a sense of despair unlike any he'd ever known. And so he tossed away that part of Sam he'd always carried. Part of him wondered if Sam had picked it up, in fact he had pretty much assumed that was the case. But Sam had never mentioned it again. And when Dean had gone through his stuff after he died he hadn't found it. Now he knew why, Sam thought he didn't want it, that it lost all meaning because he'd lost his connection to Dean. Had he jumped thinking Dean didn't love him?
He hadn't even hugged him good-bye. He thought Sam understood why. If he had grabbed hold of him, there was no way he was going to be able to let go. He had had to fight his every instinct to let Sam set off that day. There wasn't a moment of that walk to Lucifer that he hadn't wanted to haul Sam back to the car, back to safety. Back home. Sam had to know that. Right? The thought of Sam having all those doubts but sacrificing himself anyway, hoping to earn Dean's love back. No, he that can't be true. Oh God that CAN'T be true.
It just never occurred to Dean to doubt that Sam knew. He'd been so sure he'd been so unwavering in his devotion that nothing he sprouted off would be believed. Honestly it pissed him off a little that year. He wanted to punish Sam for what he'd done, wanted to break away. Told himself he was happier without Sam. But he hadn't feel complete without Sam by his side. And hearing in the future, that he never saw Sam again after he told him to 'pick a hemisphere', he couldn't extend the punishment. He had to reassure himself that that future was wrong.
But now he finds out that he was wrong, that Sam had taken it to heart. But when he'd almost said yes to Michael, Sam had told him that he believe in him despite the horrible things he said to him. Dean had told him he didn't want to let him down. But Sam had said he believed in him not them. Fuck they were both a mess.
Dean read through the next few months and Sam's posts became slightly more hope-filled. There were several times when his depression seemed to get the better of him but he was starting to sound a little more alive. A little less disconnected, although he said he still felt as if he were someone else reality, but he was letting himself settle in anyway. But the post didn't get any less frequented, if anything they were more often. Sam seemed to enjoy telling Dean about what was happening. Often responding to mocking that Dean hadn't been there to give. He seemed better. Until Dean came back.
Dean,
You're back. And you're very, very angry. I guess I got it wrong. This is stupid. I'm talking to you like I have some idea of how you would respond. When clearly I don't have a fucking clue.
God I've missed you so much.
Sam