Title: Drunken Excuses

Rating: Uh, well, Def a hard R

Pairing: Holden/Banky

Warnings: Alright, this story is a little rough. I don't quite remember writing it - it was sometime after I had been up all night and no exactly coherent during midterm week. I'm not sure why Holden is so mean... but he did come off very very badly in my story. What follows is male/male slash with very dubious consent. Oh, and naughty language.

He had never felt so fucking stupid, and to make it worse it seemed that Banky had been able to go right along with it. He hadn't ended up seeming out of place and at the moment he hated him a little for that.

So he dragged him out to the car and violently shoved him into the passenger side seat and slammed the door to remove any doubt that he wasn't happy. When he got behind the wheel Banky was silently watching him but he ignored him.

"Hey Holden... what did I do?"

From his voice, as if he didn't already know from the way he was acting, he could tell that Banky was completely smashed. It gave him a level of freedom at this point in what he said, his past experiences telling him that when the other was that drunk he rarely remembered anything. Tomorrow he would only have vague memories of his discussion with Alyssa, and he wouldn't remember the violence in which he had been thrown into the car.

That was what did it. He swerved to the side of the road; they were in a secluded enough area. There was and edge of fear in Banky's voice, "Whatcha doing Holden?"

"Get out of the car." He waited until he hesitantly got out and he reached over to flip open the glove compartment, finding one of the condoms that they always kept around in case they stumbled upon a willing chick. It had lube on it and even though he knew that wouldn't be enough really for what he was gonna do, he knew he was going to do it anyways. He pocketed it and got out of the car himself.

He ignored the slightly fearful look on his friends face and reached down to start unbuckling his belt. "Take off your pants and lean over the hood Banky."

"Wh-what? No."

He only looked up for a moment, letting the anger show fully and slowly pointed to the hood. He wasn't surprised when Banky gave in and did as he was told. It wasn't exactly the first time he had elicited sexual favors from Banky when he would be too drunk to remember the next day. He didn't feel good about it later, but sometimes he just couldn't handle things anymore and this was the easiest way to get it out. The word rape bounced around his head but he comforted it with a false security in Banky's dubious drunken consent.

He rolled the condom on himself and with one painful movement pressed inside Banky. He cried out and that only drove him on. He grabbed on to his hips tightly, slamming Banky into the car with each violent thrust. He ignored the sounds, especially since they made it clear that Banky was in pain, and instead closed his eyes making believe it was Alyssa below him. With her soft skin and pretty hair.

He fucked his best friend into the car, a sad replay of the actions from the other night at the bar, and thought about the pretty girl that he may well love. The pretty dyke that only fucks girls.

He tightened his grip the slightest bit more and when the man under him whimpered it pushed him over the edge, and he thrusted a last time, cumming with great satisfaction.

He pulled out and dropped he condom on the ground, pulling up his pants as he moved towards the car. "Come on Banky. Move it or lose it."

He waited impatiently in the car as Banky eventually took his place in the seat next to him, shifting uncomfortably. He glanced at him momentarily, and for a moment his guilt was almost overwhelming. Banky looked hurt and scared and when he met Holden's eyes he quickly looked away.

"Uh... Holden?"

"Shut up Banky."

He didn't try to talk again and when they got home he followed Holden into the apartment and obediently headed towards his room, leaving Holden to calm down in the other room.

He watched the door close behind Banky and wanted to go apologize, anything, but in the end he just grabbed a beer and flopped down on the couch, thinking about the girl he might love and the boy he was sure he already did. He wouldn't ever admit that though, so reminiscent of middle school behavior he would do the next best thing to love him. Hurt him.

Banky woke up the next morning and cringed, but nevertheless rolled out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen. Holden was looking at him with a cautious look and for a horrible minute he almost told him. Almost told him that he remembered what he did at night – remembered all of it but he shut him mouth and gave him a dopey grin. "Damn, I got to start drinking less, I don't even remember what the hell happened last night. When did we get home?"

Holden's body instantly relaxed and Banky was gratified to get the warm smile in return, "Around 2:30 or so, you were pretty out of it man."

He met the smile with only a little difficulty, he could remember very clearly the first morning he had woke up after it had happened. Holden had seemed so relieved when, in embarrassment, he had pretended he didn't remember it. He sat down and dug into the eggs that Holden had made, he always made breakfast the day after, out of guilt Banky guessed. The first time he had been embarrassed and had kept his mouth shut, but now... now he was afraid that if he told him he would stop.

He had known from the first moment that Holden had touched him that he felt more than friendship for the other man, he knew it as strongly as he knew that if Holden had even the slightest inkling that he remembered he would stop. He looked up a little sadly, maybe it wasn't much but he would take what he could get.

He started babbling about the chick from last night and Banky quickly pushed his thoughts to the back of his mind. He didn't harbor ideas that Holden would want him. After all, he was a realist.