Title: Liars
Author: Renna
Fandom: Lost
Rating: PG
Characters: Jack/Juliet
Spoilers: after "Every Man for Himself"
Disclaimer: not mine
Word count: about 1740
Special thanks to Toestastegood for beta :)
…
Lie is the greatest invention of the humanity
…
You lie as simply as you breathe. For you it's simple and it's natural, just a word after word, just a game and no more and no less. No less.
I lie as simply as I breathe. But for me it's not a game, not just words and not a joke. For me it's necessity, moral necessity.
I'm lying to myself. You're lying to me. I'm lying to you. And you're possibly lying to yourself.
We fouled in that damn chain. We fouled, and it's not so simple to get out of here. All ends mix up with one beginning; with one and the only one beginning of it all. With the beginning of all that stupid and the longest game.
…
You look like a mouse. When I saw you in the first time, when you entered that damn room behind that damn glass, I called you a mouse. And you look like mouse, like an ordinary grey mouse.
You're so gray and so faded and so plain and so ordinary. You have blonde hair and white skin and pale-grey eyes and bloodless thin lips. Your clothes not suit you. You can not to choose the right colors, can not chouse the right facture, can chouse nothing right. You're amusing and awkward.
And I fooled myself in the first time.
…
We play with words.
We build a tower of ice-cubes, as children do in their childish game – put one cube after another and a tower becomes higher and higher until it falls. And that person who put the last cube before the crash loses the game.
We build a tower of words – of the cold bitty words, cold like those ice-cubes. We hide our feelings behind the mask of coldness and professionalism and I won't mistake if I said that we both are pretty good in that case.
This is our game – mine and yours.
…
"You need to eat, Jack." You're trying to be kind, to look kind. You're trying to look empathetic. You're trying to look conscious. You're acquitting yourself like psychoanalyst and in my past, in my normal life I would pay you 30 dollars an hour. I would pay you 30 dollars and you just listen as I tell you about my life.
But you're trying to look like you agreed to do that for free. You agree to listen. If I just started to tell, if I just started you'll listen. But it's not true, isn't it?
You have a charming voice. You have a fruity voice. You have a voice of professional and you're speaking, you're coaxing, you're convincing. You can do that and you do.
I think you're a psychologist. In your past you were a psychologist. For me it's easier to excuse my weakness, I'm too tired to struggle.
And I fooled myself again.
…
I press you to the table, to the rigid and cold table with rough and sharp edges. It should be painful for you, but I don't care.
You believed me. You believed that I've surrendered. Well, yes, I believed that I surrendered too, but only for a moment. I can't surrender. I won't surrender and I've convinced myself of it whole my life, I've persuaded myself to struggle. And I struggle. With you.
Your skin is warm and soft. I feel heat of your body through your clothes, through my and your clothes. I feel your smell. And your hair tickle my skin.
I press you to the table. I fooled you once.
…
"You need to believe me, Jack. I need you to believe me, Jack" You're trying again and again. But you're just wasting your time.
When I'm looking at you, when I'm looking at you while you're sitting there behind the glass I feel something strange. Something new. You can speak about such wonderful things. And you speak about trust and belief, about consciousness. You tell me about it so confirming that I'm starting to believe you, but just a little.
And I feel that for you the words all mean nothing. All that trust and belief and consciousness – it's just words. Just abstractive meanings. It seems to me that you want to believe yourself, to trust yourself, but you can't. You're lost.
I'm silent. And you're silent.
We're looking on each other. And we're silent.
…
"…when I was holding that broken plate at your neck he seemed happy to just let you die." The words can hurt. And you feel pain. And I feel your pain, I understand how my words can hurt you and I said it again and again. I want to make you feel more pain.
You're close to me and that's that's teasing. You put the plate on the table and you're close to me and we're alone. You're not afraid or you just want me to believe that you're not afraid.
You tease me.
And if I can not to hurt you with material means, I can hurt you by words. And it's more painful, isn't it?
"You allow him to do what he wants. He can do anything, anything that he wants to do with you and you won't struggle. You won't even say if you don't like it. You'll silent, 'cause you're just a mess. You'll do everything for him, right?"
"You don't know what you're talking about, Jack"
"Really?" I grin.
And you just press your lips in a thin line.
"You're unhappy, Juliet"
…
"My whole life I loved my work." You say. There is the glass between us; and you're tired and pale. And there's a deep dark shadows under your eyes. And you're smiling. You're smiling and I think you're willing yourself to smile. You're willing yourself to live.
You put your hands on the glass and looking at me. Maybe, you want me to come closer, but I won't. I don't care what are you say. I know it'll be lie.
"And then, someday, I fall in love with a man. And now there's nothing for me to love"
"You want me to pity you?"
"No." You shake your head. "I don't want to repeat my mistake, Jack"
"Then don't repeat it"
You're looking at me. You're surprised and maybe disappointed. And I convince myself that it's all a lie. You're lying. You just want something from me.
"Well, then it'll be that thing I'll do… Jack"
…
You belong to him. You belong to him with all your life and all your soul. You're his shadow. You live, you smile, and you breathe only while he lets you.
And, damn, I don't care.
…
"Did you want to have a child, Jack?" That's the glass and there's you behind it.
You're looking. You're piercing. You want to make me pay for all I said to you last time. And you want to hurt me. You know it's hurt.
"If you were in love with Sarah why don't you have children?" You're smiling, but not with your eyes.
"And why don't you have them?"
It's a pathetic try. Even I don't believe myself.
Sara. And the child. And there was hope, burning and dying hope. It was so many years ago.
…
"Assent with our rules, Jack. I'm not an enemy for you… and I don't want to be your enemy".
"But you are".
"No, no." You shake your head with something that looks like despair. You're unhappy. O my God, you're absolutely unhappy and I know it. I feel your pain like it's my pain. Your pain is my pain.
And I'm enjoying your pain.
I'm enjoying.
I convince myself that I'm enjoying your pain.
"Why are you fighting, Jack? For what? For life? For freedom? Where are you going next, after it all? There's nowhere to go and there's nothing to fight for."
…
"We make decisions together."
You fool yourself. It just seems to you that you mean something while you're meaning nothing. You're just a person who brings me food. And nothing more.
It's seems to you that you and Benjamin are in charge. You both. But no, it's just Benjamin who in charge of all. And you're not.
You're just a woman who dreams to mean something. To mean something for somebody.
And I pity you.
But no, I don't care.
…
Your hand is on my wrist. Your fingers are thin and cold.
And I just stroke your skin. Accidentally.
You mean nothing to me. Only relationship we can have is a relationship between prisoner and jailer.
…
"I'm a fertility doctor. I'm not a surgeon"
I knew it. Yes, I knew, and you haven't fooled me. Or have you?
…
Smells like blood. There is blood in my clothes. All around me is messy and bloody and dirty.
A woman died. For me she was just a woman. For you she was Colleen. She meant something for you. I don't know what exactly she meant, but I see pain and suffering in your eyes. And there's repentance. You're sorry for something and you want to pay for it, but you can't.
…
"I'm going to take you back now"
Your hands are cold and mine are warm. My hands are big and yours are small.
You're little, fragile girl. You're my little girl.
And we both are lost. We're lost somewhere, lost in hand-made labyrinth made by ourselves. There's the wall made from ice. There's wall made from cold words, made from our lie. And we can get out of here but only together.
And we're both too stubborn to hold hands.
…
I feel your breath on my cheek. You're breathing and it means that you're alive. And I'm alive. We're close, we're together and we're alone.
But we're continuing to build the tower of words. And there's a lie in every next brick of that tower. And we make our tower higher and higher. A bit closer to heaven.
When the humanity built a Babylon's tower, God got angry and damns us. And from those dark times people speak in different languages.
People think in different languages.
And we can't understand each other.
…
I'll never tell you the truth. And you'll never too.
Never.
Fin