Backstory for the weekend get-away referenced in Billy's Lost Weekend (Season 4, Episode 7, aired Nov 7, 1986) and the opening scene of Bad Timing (Season 4, Episode 15, aired Feb 6, 1987). The opening dialogue is taken from the show Bad Timing, written by Robert Gilmer. The bulk of this story actually occurred in late October, 1986 (prior to "Nightcrawler" S.4, Ep.6).
Definitely PG-13 – Really, parental guidance is encouraged.
Disclaimer: Warner Brothers and Shoot the Moon Enterprises own these wonderful characters. All I get from writing about them is the chance to visit with Lee and Amanda from time to time.
Show Me How Much – by AlaskanFan
Dinner at L'Ornate had been delicious as usual. The wait staff was attentive but didn't hover. It was a relaxing ending to a long day.
Lee wrapped up his improbable story and looked at the woman he loved. "What do you say we go back to my place and have some dessert?" In this case, "have some dessert" was code for a different kind of delight. Her engagement ring winked in the light as his finger toyed with it. The offer was sincere, but his expectations were low. He anticipated her refusal.
"It's awful late and we have to be at work early." Amanda hated to refuse him, but it was best for them to avoid late nights alone together for another week. After the wedding, their physical intimacy would be spectacular, but they had agreed to wait until then.
"I know. I know." They really had talked about this, and her views were understandable. However, the closer they got to the wedding, the harder it was to exercise self-control.
"What are we gonna do?" Amanda sympathized with his frustration, but couldn't be persuaded to compromise. Her mother and the boys would be gone for the weekend, and she and Lee would enjoy daytime activities together, but she knew Lee wanted more. Waiting was hard for both of them.
Lee sighed, "The same thing we always do: go home, alone, again." With a determined effort to be cheerful he added, "But only for one more week."
She smiled at his endurance, "Alright. I'll give you a lift."
"No, no, no. Uh... listen. I'm only a couple of blocks away. Uh... I think I'll take a walk. I need to do some thinking." Lee rarely stumbled over his words like that. Amanda could guess exactly what he would be thinking about. Celibacy wasn't an easy choice. The physical exercise would be helpful.
As his shoes tapped briskly against the pavement, the tempo matched the refrain in his head, "It's WHAT we AL-ways do (tap, tap) Go HOME, a-LONE, a-GAIN. (tap, tap) It's WHAT we AL-ways DO (tap,tap)..." He had never physically wanted any woman like he wanted Amanda King. And he had wholeheartedly agreed to wait until their wedding as part of expressing his love for her. He just hadn't expected the waiting to be so difficult.
He had always known that she held more conservative values than he did. Despite their many all night surveillance assignments and countless hours of conversation over coffee and meals, they had never talked about her views about sex and marriage until about four months ago. They had spoken of their love for one another about five months ago, and their physical relationship had become very passionate as soon as they convinced the U.S. government that they were not traitors. Lee looked for every available evening to enjoy time with Amanda at his apartment. Uninterrupted time. Physical time.
It was one of those evenings, after dinner, when they finally had this pivotal conversation. Lee had lit several candles and the lights were dimmed. Their smoldering glances at dinner had fueled his desire, and he looked forward to a fulfilling end to their evening. Amanda had removed her high-heeled shoes and pulled her shirttails loose from her pants. They had settled on the couch in their typical cuddle position – her legs draped across his lap. Their kisses were sweet torture, and Lee didn't know how much more he could endure. Waves of passion washed through him and he wanted to do so much more than simply kiss and cuddle this wonderful woman. In a voice choked with emotion, he breathed the words, "Please, let me show you how much I love you."
His lips claimed hers in another spine-tingling kiss, preventing an immediate answer. His hands contributed to the sensory overload. Her mind struggled to override the compelling sensations of her body. "Lee," she started. "Lee, please. Don't." She stilled his hands with her own, then pushed them into safer territory. "I'm sorry. It's so much easier to stop if we don't keep pushing the boundaries. I should have stopped us before now." She gave him another kiss to console him, and then shifted to sit up and give them both some needed space. Her blouse shimmered in the candlelight as she swung her legs to the floor. She straightened her blouse and fluffed her hair.
She had always been careful to maintain a safe distance between their bodies. Initially, she kept her elbows bent and her hands on his chest when he hugged her instead of hugging back. She still did, sometimes, when the passion threatened to blaze too hot. When sitting on the couch, draping her legs across his lap prevented their hips from too much contact. Just like fire fighters clear space around a fire to prevent it from spreading, so does space between bodies help control the fires of passion.
"Amanda, I don't want to push you, and I really do want our first time to be the right time for you, but could we talk about this? We love each other. You don't doubt my sincerity, do you?" He ran both hands through his hair in frustration. His hands returned to embrace her, but loosely now. His eyes held hers, telegraphing his love.
"Yes, sweetheart, I know you love me and we will have an amazing physical relationship at the right time, but certain things have to be done in the right order. This is one of those things. Skydiving is exciting, but you have to put on the parachute harness before you jump out of the plane. When I'm making cupcakes, I can't put the icing onto the cake batter; I have to bake the cakes and let them cool before adding the icing. I'm a firm believer that marriage precedes a sexual relationship – not before."
She rubbed her left hand up and down his right arm. She wanted to be reassuring, but even that much touch fanned the flames of his passion. The abrupt downshift in activity left him agitated. In an effort to switch from foreplay to forethought, he pushed himself off the sofa and strode to the fireplace. He had to move away from her to be able to think. He braced both hands against the mantel and lowered his head. After a few deep breaths, he straightened and turned to face her.
"I know that's what you want for your boys. They are only teenagers, and it's fine to tell them to wait. I didn't wait, and maybe that's, well, you know, some of my problem when it comes to quality relationships. I rarely got beyond the physical level with anyone. But we're adults and I love you so much. Don't you think we can make our own choices and not wait for permission from anyone else?" He pushed both hands into the front pockets of his jeans and leaned his right shoulder against the mantel, willing his trembling to subside.
She wanted to go to him, but respected his need for space and remained on the couch. "As adults, we have the ability to think about consequences and govern our behavior. Yes, we get to make our own choices, and that includes not being driven by our hormones. Delaying physical intimacy until after marriage allows room for other aspects of our relationship to mature."
"Amanda, we've been growing in friendship for three years now. This is the most mature relationship I've ever had! What more do you want? I express myself with my body, and I want to express my love to you in my own language." His voice signaled his frustration. He wasn't angry, but he didn't understand. He picked up his Tibetan ram's horn and absently caressed its curves and textures – inside and out. She watched his restless hands, aware that he was a sensual man as well as a man of action. His body had protected her, rescued her, comforted her, and thrilled her. He had mastered several languages but was barely conversant in the intimate language of sharing his heart. How could she describe things that he had no language for? These are abstract thoughts; she couldn't simply point at objects and gesture to convey her meaning.
"Okay, give me a minute. This is hard for me to talk about." The silence lengthened as Amanda drifted to the window, the hems of her pants whispering against the carpet, and stared into the night, unseeing. "You know that I participate in church bake sales and attend some services. But, Lee, I'm not just casually involved in church; I really believe in God." She turned to face him wanting to make him understand. "He didn't just make a list of rules to make us miserable or to keep us from the good stuff like a "keep off the grass" sign. He designed the universe, and then He gave us instructions on how to best live within that universe. In His design, the blessing of marriage precedes a sexual relationship. I think it's smart to honor that." She twisted her pendant and slid it back and forth on the chain. Her curls framed her face, gently brushing her pink collar. Her rich brown eyes gazed across the room bridging the distance between them.
Talking about religion was fairly safe ground. Lee had participated in theoretical debates about morality and the existence of God throughout high school, college and the military. In recent years, his life had simply omitted any reference to God besides swearing. He believed strongly in justice, and nearly as strongly in pleasure. By nature, he wasn't a rules follower, and didn't see a need for a rule making God. He put down the ram's horn and relaxed his stance. He cocked his head and gestured as he assured her, "No one doubts that you're a good person, Amanda. And you don't need to be embarrassed about believing in God. Just because I'm more accustomed to making my own choices, doesn't mean that I would belittle your decision to let your faith influence your choices."
Her posture changed and her voice was firm as she corrected him. "I'm not embarrassed about believing in God, Lee. I'm embarrassed by my failure to live up to my beliefs."
She looked away and took a few steps towards the couch. She brushed her hand along its back and watched her hand as she spoke quietly, "Ever since my divorce, I have felt compromised. I meant to uphold my wedding vows until death," she glanced at him and then back down, "and when I broke those vows in court, I lost credibility with myself. I don't regret the divorce. And if Joe had been willing to uphold his end of the marriage, I would have invested completely in making my marriage a success. Regardless of the reasons, I am hardly the poster child for moral living. That makes it hard for me to speak frankly about abstinence until marriage. I know it's not a popular concept." She finally dared to face him again, hugging herself lightly and tossing her head to the right. She tried to gauge whether he could understand her, or if she was just making him more frustrated. Her fashionably over-sized shirt billowed around her and the hem of her pants puddled around her feet. Lee thought she looked adorable, like a small child playing dress-up.
"So what good does God get out of our self-denial?" Lee tried to not sound scornful. He might not respect God, but he certainly respected Amanda.
She smiled warmly and sighed softly with relief. She was encouraged that the conversation was continuing, and he had not shut her down. She was suddenly aware that she did have something to use as an example – something to point to that might make her meaning clear. "Intimacy is far more than physical touch. Think back to when you were researching your parents. Can you describe your motives?"
He picked up a wooden puzzle and manipulated it – only vaguely aware of its smooth planes and rounded edges sliding across his palms. The change of topic was unexpected, but he was used to Amanda's roundabout logic and easily allowed her to steer the conversation. "Sure. Let's see... I wanted to know more about my parents and made a few casual inquiries. The suspicions raised against them motivated me to clear their names. And I went after Blackthorne to obtain justice."
"You and I have done things like that together dozens of times, but you wanted to do all of that alone. Why?"
His eyes darted around the room and his heart rate increased slightly. "A-man-da, that was very personal. It wasn't an Agency case. When I made the initial inquiry, I had no idea what I would find." He brushed a hand through his hair and shrugged both shoulders as if his black sweatshirt was suddenly too tight.
"Relax, Lee. I'm just using that as an example of non-sexual intimacy. You pushed me away because you needed to protect yourself. Your tension now, when I asked the question, shows how threatened you feel about sharing certain things. After some persuasion, you let me help you and told me things you've never told anyone else. Learning to lean on someone else is an act of intimacy. Letting someone else know your fears and share your disappointments and celebrate your dreams are all ways to be intimate with someone else. If I had not encouraged you to talk to me, how would you have handled those emotions?"
He left the fireplace and started pacing thoughtfully. The clicking sounds of the wooden toy and his soft footsteps were the only noise for several minutes. "Okay, I think I'm following you. Before you invaded my apartment," he flashed her a quick grin to show that he was teasing her, "I was spiraling into isolation that would have led to a drinking binge. I would have been desperate to smother the memories and I would have used anyone or anything to distract myself."
"Right. Now, if you don't allow sexuality to short-circuit your emotions, a truly intimate relationship provides a companion to walk through the hard places with you."
His eyes flashed in triumph as he stopped pacing and whirled to face her. "Ha! You've just proven that we are ready to move into sexual intimacy. Our relationship is mature enough that you DID walk through that hard place with me. So we can check that requirement off the list and move ahead to the good stuff." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and she laughed, dispelling the tension in the room.
"One success does not equal proficiency, Lee. If we spend our time together pleasuring our bodies, we won't take the time to explore and share with one another the secrets of our hearts. It takes time and privacy to uncover the tender places in our souls, and we need space to allow those things to unfold. It's fun to share stories of heroism or humor, but we also need to share stories of humiliation and impossible dreams."
"So what do you expect people with a healthy sex drive to do? Take cold showers every day?" He punctuated his question with a solid thud as he returned the wooden toy to its place on the mantel.
She laughed at his scowl of disgust and took a few steps towards him. "Every adolescent figures out how to satisfy those cravings all alone and the method doesn't include quenching the desire with cold water. It's an adequate substitute until the real thing is available." He laughed in surprise at her saucy answer. Of course, he did satisfy himself, he just didn't expect her to suggest it so boldly.
He crossed to her and took both her hands. "I'm sorry I keep pushing the boundaries, Amanda. We haven't talked about it so plainly before tonight, and I didn't know how strongly you believed in this." His lifted a hand to brush a strand of hair away from her face then cup her cheek. "I can be celibate. I haven't been with another woman in over a year. In this job, sometimes I've been in so much danger that I can't afford to let down my guard and enjoy my libido for several months. I can wait another few months until we are married. But, oh, Amanda, I do want you and I want extended time together with you. We race nearly 24/7 to meet the demands of work and family, and I want time for us." He leaned forward and kissed her tenderly, resting his forehead against hers.
She pressed her cheek into his palm and rotated her head enjoying the caress. "Oh, believe me, I want you, too. Self-discipline isn't easy, but it's rich in long-term benefits. I know it's hard to get any time together, but I think we can work something out. Ever since we spent time together last Fall on the Mata Hari I have been completely at ease sleeping in your presence. As long as the expectations are clear, I would love some extended time with you. Let's schedule a weekend together, soon." This time, she initiated the kiss then nestled close against his chest, her arms around his waist.
"Do you really mean that? Aren't you worried that someone might think you're "having a thing"?" It was almost too much to hope for - a whole weekend together at her suggestion. Tonight's conversation had taken several surprising turns.
"We'll need to be discreet, but we spend so much time together already that I don't think my reputation would suffer. I'm confident that you love me enough to wait, and that's what matters." He closed his eyes as he savored simply holding her in his arms, swaying gently. He marveled at her ability to establish limits without making him feel rejected. His heart was at ease now that he knew what to expect.
That discussion had paved the way for the best weekend he had ever spent with a woman. The skiing at Pine Top was lousy, but the conversation was world-class. Amanda was right. It did take a lot of time to let light into the dark places, but given enough time and the right companion, it felt good. It was a different way to show how much he loved her - truly a new language. He was touched that she had private things to share with him as well. It was amazing how much depth that weekend added to their relationship.
He had honored the boundaries without even a hint of trespassing. They had cuddled and confided and dreamed together about their future. Together, they banked the fires of passion, not extinguishing the desires but saving them for future use. The waiting was hard, but not impossible. Anticipation sweetened the waiting time. And they only had one more week.
THE END
Author's note: I know there is lively disagreement regarding "did they wait or not", and I know that many authors enjoy writing stories describing how they did not wait for the wedding. Obviously, I believe they did wait, and I used this story to point out the clues in the show that support my view. You are certainly entitled to your opinion in the matter. Feel free to review my story, but let's avoid making the reviews an open forum rehashing the debate of "did they or didn't they". Thanks.
To the two "guest" reviewers who posed questions about church doctrine:
For the record, many non-Catholic churches typically DO recognize any form of legal marriage as legitimate and sex within the context of a civil marriage is not considered sin. In other words, clergy is not required for God to unite husband and wife. Likewise, condoms and birth control pills are allowed by many non-Catholic churches; although I don't know how that question is relevant to this story or the show. If you wish to continue discussing church doctrine, please send me a private message by clicking on my name and then clicking on "PM" in the top left corner of my profile page. AF