Disclaimers: They're not mine, but I promise I'll have them back by midnight.
A/N: All mistakes and British spellings are mine.
Going Crazy
I'm attracted to Catherine.
No, I must be going crazy.
I'm attracted to Catherine.
Me. I'm attracted to Catherine.
Maybe if I repeat it over and over in my head, some part of me will realise the utter ludicrousness of that and I'll suddenly wonder why I was thinking it in the first place. Because surely it can't be true.
No way can I be attracted to her. I'm being stupid. I must have hit my head or something. Or maybe I'm asleep, yeah that must be it. I'm dreaming, and even dream me realises the stupidity of it.
Right, not asleep. It doesn't hurt to pinch yourself when you're asleep. Shit.
Well, I have an analytical mind. Let's analyse.
I can't be attracted to her because she annoys me. She's pig headed, stubborn and opinionated. She infuriating beyond belief too. So when you look at it that way, I really can't be attracted to her.
So I'll just ignore the way my stomach flutters when she smiles at me. How I can't help grinning like an idiot whenever I hear her laugh. And I'll definitely ignore the shivers I get whenever she's near me because they all indicate an attraction I refuse to be feeling.
Oh my god.
"I'm attracted to Catherine."
"What was that?"
Shit. Note to self. Save serious none work related thinking for when I'm at home from now on.
"Sorry, just thinking. Nothing important Greg."
He heard me. That cheeky little grin of his is a dead give away.
"Sure thing Sara, I'm going to head to the lab."
He's just about to leave when he turns back to me.
"If you decide that was important, and you want to talk about it. I'm here. Strictly between us." He nods before leaving me alone.
Oh my god. I can't believe I blurted that out. He did say strictly between us though. I'm sure he won't say anything. God I hope not. I'll have to talk to him later.
In a moment of impulse I head out to look for Sofia. I can't talk to the guys about this and as private as I am, this little revelation is too big for me to handle by myself. So Sofia is it. She can laugh at me and tell me how ridiculous it is, talk me out of it. Yeah, that's a good idea.
Thankfully I catch her in the locker room. I Might have exploded if I had to keep this in.
"Hey Sara." She greats me as she closes her locker.
"Can we talk?" I ask as I walk past her and start pacing up and down the locker room. Although I'm thinking this will be more an 'I ramble, you nod occasionally' type of talk.
"Sure, what's up?"
"I'm attracted to Catherine." I blurt out. Then pause, waiting for the horrified gasps, shocked expressions and disbelief I'm sure my confession will produce.
She remains completely unimpressed.
After a few moments I decide to reiterate, clearly she didn't hear me correctly. "I said, I'm..."
"Attracted to Catherine. Yeah, I heard. So...?"
Well clearly she's just insane if she doesn't get it. "So? So? I tell you I'm attracted to Catherine. Me, Sara attracted to her, Catherine, and all you can say is so?"
"What would you like me to say?"
"I don't know. Be shocked; tell me I can't be serious. Tell me there's no way on earth I can want her. That it's beyond craziness." I rant, then continue pacing. I can't remember ever being this exasperated. "Tell me I've lost my marbles. Ask if I've hit my head. See if I'm delirious with fever. Anything. Just don't stand there like we have this conversation daily."
Sofia is calmly sitting on the bench as if this is nothing out of the ordinary. When she chuckles I stop pacing and look at her.
"You're laughing now?"
"Yeah, because I just got it."
"Please, enlighten me." I say sarcastically. "What is it you just got?"
"You just realised this now didn't you?"
"Yeah. I'd have thought my behaviour might have given away my shocked state of mind right now."
"Well." She chuckles again. "I hate to be the one to burst your bubble honey. But I couldn't have told you this month's ago. Although, I'm glad I didn't because this is hilarious."
I give her my best warning look.
"Okay." She holds up her hands in peace.
"What do you mean you could have told me months ago? Maybe I should check to see if you've banged your head."
"No I haven't banged my head. Sara I saw it within days of meeting you both. I'm shocked it's taken you so long to see it."
"Sofia?"
"Yeah?"
"You're crazy."
She laughs again. "Probably. But right now, I'm right."
Well it seems I'll just have to make her see the stupidity of this. "We fight all the time."
"Yeah?"
"She annoys the crap outta me."
"And?"
"And I can't be attracted to her. God this is like something from the twilight zone." I flop onto the bench next to her. Seeing her smirk. "I swear if you laugh again they'll never find the body."
"Okay. No more laughing." She teases. "You fight like that with anyone else?"
"No."
"Sara, I've worked with you both for a while now and I never see you react to anyone the way you react to her. She gets under your skin. Pushes your buttons. The arguments are just a release of tension."
My insides feel as though they're slowly deflating. As if the argument is just slipping away from me. I think I have a mild case of shock.
"You really just realised how you feel?" Her voice is serious now. My face probably conveying my feelings.
"Yeah."
"What happened?"
"It wasn't even anything big or significant. We were just talking in the break room at the end of shift. She asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and Linds on Sunday. When I agreed, she smiled and I thought to myself 'I've always loved that smile'."
I'm silent for a second as I replay it in my head.
"Then?"
"It shocked me for a second and I wondered where it came from. She got up to leave and put her hand on my shoulder on her way past, telling me she'd see me Sunday. I couldn't move. I had butterflies in my stomach, stupid grin on my face, the lot. That's when it hit me."
"That you're attracted to her?"
"Yeah, that I'd always felt like that when she smiled. I'd always shivered when she touched me. Just like that, it hit me. Like a slap in the face. I can't believe it." I'm shaking my head in disbelief as I speak.
"I can't believe you don't see the funny side of this." I shoot her a warning look. She best not laugh right now.
"Yeah, it's hilarious that not only am I so stupid that I fail to understand my own feelings. I'm also stupid enough to fall for a woman who barely tolerates me."
"How often do you invite people you barely tolerate to Sunday lunch with the family?"
"She asked because Linds likes to hang out with me. She's somehow convinced I'm cool. That and I'm better with numbers than Catherine, so I help her with her math homework. You should see how much better she is now." I smile. It's funny that I feel so proud of her.
"You think Catherine would let someone she didn't like spend time with her daughter?"
"You know this isn't going as I planned."
"You planned?" She asks, eyebrow raised.
"Yeah. I was going to shock you with my new found attraction. You'd convince me I'm insane and give me reasons why. Then I'd leave all happy and convinced that I had momentary insanity and am not attracted to Catherine at all. Last time I come find you when I need advice Curtis."
She's laughing again, not that I blame her this time.
"Well, my apologies for not helping you into a nice case of denial. Besides. Tell yourself you're as crazy as you'd like, deny it all you want. The fact will remain. You are attracted to Catherine."
She's right. Of course she is. I however will take a little longer to get used to this. Never mind feel comfortable with it.
"Okay, so let's say I'm not...unattracted to Catherine."
"That isn't even a word."
I shoot her a warning glare and she smiles and holds up her hands.
"You know Catherine is way better at warning looks than you. Maybe she can teach you when..."
"Sofia!" I cut her off.
"Sorry, go on."
"Thank you. Right, so say I find myself in that situation..."
"The one you're in now you mean?"
"I could always talk to someone else."
"Okay, I'll shut up now."
"What do I do? I know as soon as I see her I'm going to act differently with her. I'll be so busy trying to not grin like a fool whenever she looks at me that I'll end up acting like an idiot."
"I do have one idea. I may sound a little radical but I've heard it can work in this type of situation."
"What?"
"Talk to her about it. Maybe even go crazy and ask her out."
I think my eyes actually popped out of my head for a second. "That settles it. You've completely lost your mind. I think you should see a doctor."
She's chuckling again. It must be pretty funny though. To her anyway. "Okay, so you're not ready to do that now. Give it some time then go to her with this. You might be surprised. You never know, she might feel the same."
"And criminals might decide crime doesn't pay and get real jobs, then we can retire." Is my sarcastic reply. "I'm not holding out any hope for either. And me talking to her about it is never going to happen."
"It's kinda funny that you stare down cold blooded killers both in the field and in interrogations. But one tiny woman scares you half to death."
It would be funny if the woman wasn't Catherine. "Catherine is a hell of a lot scarier." I say, laughing for the first time since I walked in.
"Yeah, she is."
"Well." I stand and head to the door. "I best head home, let you go home and sleep."
"I can stay if you still need to talk."
"Thanks but I need to think."
She nods and follows me out.
"Well, thanks for absolutely nothing." I joke. "Next time I need to be talked out of something I'll stay the hell away from you."
"That's probably for the best." She laughs. "Seriously, don't dwell on it. You can't control who you're attracted to so best to just deal with it. It really isn't as bad as you think."
"Probably not. Thanks Sofia."
"Any time. See you at work."
- - - - - - - - - -
So I'm attracted to Catherine.
It's not the end of the world. Close, but not quite that bad. I guess I'll just have to deal with it until it passes. Spend as little time with her as possible and hope I come to my senses soon.
Although as I climb into bed I can't help thinking it won't be that easy. Nothing ever is in my life.
See look, no cliffies here either, next part will be up soon.
Thanks for reading.
Sam