Title: PBS
Author: Goatcheese
Rating: K+
Warnings: tiny bit of blood
Characters: Beckett, McKay, Sheppard, Weir
Spoilers: None
Summary: Beckett really should learn not to touch ancient technology.
Disclaimer: Stargate, and all that is connected with it, does not belong to me. Please don't sue. I'm poor.

A/N: I hate dialogue, so I wrote this as an exercise. I like to torture myself. Not really beta'd so beware. I'll post the beta'd version on or something. Happy reading! Please review, this took me forever….Shep was still a Major when I started! And I'm lazy so he stayed that way.

oOo

1"Drop it Rodney. I'm busy."

"I wouldn't call making bets on how long it is before someone takes a pot-shot at Kavanagh, busy work."

"I said no. Go pester someone else to be your guinea pig."

"I'll tell Elizabeth."

"...Hand it over."

"I knew you'd see it my way. Everyone does eventually."

"So why couldn't you get this to work? In case you've forgotten, you now have the gene."

"How could I forget, damn voodoo. I blame Beckett's gene therapy. It seems to be defective."

"Maybe the device just doesn't like you."

"Will you stop wasting my precious time and activate the device."

"Hey, you're the one who called me down here."

"That's not the point, Major."

"What is the point...Dr.?"

"The point is...oh, never mind, you wouldn't understand anyway. Stop being so difficult and turn it on."

"You haven't had your coffee this morning have you?"

"Why? Do you have some?"

"Do you at least know what this thing is?"

"Despite the fact that I know almost everything about everything, some of the Ancient technology hasn't been figured out yet."

"So that's a no?"

"Yes, that's a no. Now stop stalling and get on with it."

"You better get Beckett down here."

"Why? Unless you feel like showing off your military skills with explosives in my lab, we're probably safe. Besides, there are no women here for you to impress."

"You forget the fact that if this thing turns out to be a weapon, I'm using it on you."

"Point noted. Calling Carson."

oooooooooo

"Excuse me, Dr. Weir, do you have a moment?"

"Of course, please, sit down. What can I do for you, Carson?"

"I have the list of all personnel who have had first aid training. All of the military have had a basic course. I regret to say, there are only a handful of civilians that have any sort of medical knowledge."

"I want you to see to it that any non-military personnel who are going off-world have the necessary training."

"I'll set up classes right away. When should I be expecting you?"

"Pardon?"

"As I recall, you seem to be lacking in the first aid department."

"That may be true, but I don't have time for…"

"I look forward to seeing you in the infirmary tomorrow morning. Don't be late or I'll send Rodney after you. And besides, you're our leader. Lead by example."

"You're right. I'll be there bright and early."

"Great. Good day Dr. Weir."

oooooooooo

"McKay to Beckett."

"What can I do for you Rodney?"

"Can you meet me in my lab?"

"Has something happened? Are you hurt?"

"Not yet."

"Rodney, what's going on?"

"Major Sheppard is threatening bodily harm."

"Hey Doc, it's just a precaution. We're testing a device that could possibly be a weapon."

"Oh and what evidence are you basing that astute theory on, Major? Or haven't you noticed that there are no markings of any kind on the object indicating a weapon."

"Gut feeling."

"Stop the presses, he has a feeling. Well that settles it. We don't need scientists with multiple degrees figuring out new technology. Send everyone who has an intuition or possible indigestion down here. We'll have this place figured out in no time at all."

"Gentlemen, do you think you could possibly postpone the bloodshed until I get there?"

"I don't know, Carson. What if the Major gets another 'feeling'? Who knows what could happen."

"I'll make sure he behaves himself. Come on down."

"Me? What about you? You're the one who…"

"On my way."

oooooooooo

"So that's the device then? It doesn't look like the exploding type."

"Thank you. That's exactly what I said."

"It's a good thing you two aren't in the military. This little gadget has about the same dimensions as a grenade."

"I highly doubt the ancients were in the habit of using crude explosive devices."

" Well, let's activate this thing and we'll know for sure."

"Oh, now that you think it's a weapon, you're all gung-ho."

"Now Major, maybe that's not such a good idea."

"That's why you're here, doc. You're our lucky charm."

"I'm a doctor not a bloody leprechaun."

"Close enough. So Rodney, these look like they open."

"Yes, there seems to be multiple circles covering the outside. I'm pretty sure there are more pieces inside that are released through the holes when it's activated."

"But you have no idea what they do? Maybe you should wait until you can set up some kind of explosive's quarantine."

"Stop worrying, I do this kind of thing for a living."

"Aye, that's what I'm afraid of."

"McKay, this is broken."

"What do you mean broken?"

"Broken. You know in poor condition, nonfunctioning, busted, kaput…"

"Yes, yes, I know what the word means. If I need a human dictionary, I'll keep you in mind. Now why do you say the device is broken?"

"I can't activate it."

"You're just not trying hard enough."

"Trust me, if it was working, it'd be on."

"Maybe you're broken."

"Excuse me?"

"You know, in poor condition, nonfunctioning, busted, kaput…"

"Funny."

"We should have Carson try it."

"No, let's not have Carson try it."

"You won't break it, I promise."

"Well, what if it breaks me?"

"You'll be fine. I need to see if the fault lies in the device or in the Major."

"What if he's right and it's an explosive."

"We're talking about Ancient technology here. I think I have a better handle on things than anyone. After all, I am the head of the science department."

"I don't know about this. Wait, why can't you test it?"

"I already have. It didn't work for me either."

"That's it, it must be broken."

"I think it only responds to the people who have the gene naturally."

"But…"

"Please just try, Carson. It can't hurt."

"Alright, I guess I'll give it a go. Major, if you please."

"Here you go doc, good luck."

oooooooooo

"Is Dr. Beckett here?"

"No ma'am. Is there something I can help you with?"

"Do you know where I can find him? I need to go over some of the personnel reports with him."

"He said he was going to Dr. McKay's lab. Major Sheppard is there testing an ancient device."

"I better see what's going on."

"Would you like me to call Dr. Beckett over the radio?"

"No, that's ok. These reports can wait. I think I'll make a house call of sorts. Besides, I could use the exercise."

"I'll let you know if he comes back."

"Thank you."

oooooooooo

"I think I feel something."

"Really?"

"No. Can I go now?"

"Just try it one more time."

"I've been trying it for ten minutes."

"Yeah, but you weren't really trying."

"You're not slacking off on your guinea pig duties, are you doc?"

"I really should get going. What if there's a medical emergency? Someone could be hurt right now."

"I'm sure your incompetent nurses can handle minor injuries. That's what they are there for. And I know someone would be yelling on the radio if you were desperately needed to jab a big needle into someone."

"If I do this, and I mean really do this, you can't bother me for two weeks."

"Deal."

"Alright then, this better turn out to be a wee teapot."

"Just turn it on."

oooooooooo

"...My God! What happened?"

"He was just...I didn't think...It shouldn't have..."

"Calm down Rodney. It'll be ok. Go ahead to the infirmary and tell them exactly what to expect."

"Right."

"Weir to Infirmary."

"Nurse Jeffrey here, go ahead."

"I'm on my way with Dr. Beckett. He's bleeding pretty heavily. Dr. McKay is on the way with the details."

"Understood. We'll be ready on this end."

"Come on Carson, I need you to stand up for me. John, get on his other side, we need to get him up."

"...Oh god, it hurts..."

"I know. We are going to get you some help."

"...so much for the teapot..."

"Major?"

"I'll explain later."

oooooooooo

"Major, hold down his legs. Dr. Beckett, listen to me. I know it hurts, but you have to try and hold still."

"I don't think he's listening, doc."

"Keep the pressure on his legs."

"I'm trying."

"We need to stabilize the injury."

"Woah Carson, calm down. McKay, grab his arm."

"Nurse, get the restraints."

"Doctor?"

"Now!"

"Major, put these on his ankles. Dr. McKay, get his wrist. Carson, we're putting these on for your own safety. I don't want you to further injure yourself."

"No! Carson, stop!"

"Nurse, get that arm. Hurry, before he tries to grab at it again. Damnit McKay. I told you to restrain him."

"I thought I did. I'm...I'm sorry. Carson? Carson? What happened? What's wrong with him?"

"He passed out. I'm surprised he lasted this long. The pain must have been excruciating."

oooooooooo

"One of the doctors is working on Dr. Beckett. I'm sorry, but you will have to wait out here until he's finished."

"Thank you. Keep me updated. Now, would you two explain to me what the hell happened?"

"Dr. McKay asked me if I could activate an ancient device he was studying."

"I couldn't get it to work and thought someone who had the gene naturally would have more luck. Why is he still screaming? Don't they have pain killers in there?"

"They're working on it Rodney. Major, please continue."

"The device didn't seem to like me."

"Excuse me?"

"It wouldn't work for me either."

"We thought it might be broken."

"So you called Dr. Becket because...?"

"Well, that was kind of a joke. The major thought it may be a weapon so we overplayed the danger."

"And you two decided to trying to activate it anyway?"

"I didn't think anything would happen. When it wouldn't work for the Major, I suggested that Carson try it."

"He's not as confident with his abilities as I am, we all know that, and since I couldn't get it to work, I didn't think him testing the ball would be a problem."

"How did Dr. Beckett turn to device from a ball into what it looks like now?"

"I don't know. He wasn't really trying at first."

"Why not?"

"Um..."

"Rodney?"

"He was scared that he was going to get hurt."

"I'm glad to see someone was worried about safety."

"God what are they doing to him in there? Can't you here that? Aren't they supposed to help? It sounds like they're torturing him."

"Calm down Rodney, they aren't going to hurt him."

"This is all my fault. I told him I didn't think it was a weapon and he would be ok to turn it on. I, uh, I yelled at him for not trying hard enough and when he finally concentrated, the…the device turned on."

"Rodney suspected there were more parts to it. Well, he was right. The circular panels on the surface opened and those extra metal pieces that you saw jutted through the openings."

"So, Dr. Beckett was unprepared when..."

"...The numerous metal spikes came out and one pushed its way through, well, you saw him."

"Excuse me, but we need Dr. McKay in here."

"Me? Why? What for?"

"Please, just come with me."

"Come on Rodney, let's go see what the doctor wants."

"But I can't help. I don't know anything about medicine."

"But you know about ancient devices, please..."

"Ok, what's the problem? Besides the obvious."

"We've given Dr. Beckett the highest amount of painkillers we could. They don't seem to be working. The only thing that makes sense is the device is some how neutralizing the drug. You need to help us figure out a way to turn the object off. Until then no amount of pain killers will have any affect."

oooooooooo

"Can't you give him something? Anything?"

"We've tried; now see if you can get this damn thing to turn off."

"I'm sorry Carson, I never meant anything like this to happen."

"He knows, Dr. McKay. But he's in so much pain, he probably doesn't hear you. The device, please."

"Ok, well, there are no markings on it. Um…I need to see underneath it."

"Carson, if you're listening we have to move you just a little. This will hurt like the devil, but we need to do it. McKay you ready? Ok, here we go."

"I don't see anything."

"Nurse, watch that hand…tighten the restraint before…Carson, no! McKay, hold this right where it is. Jeffrey, get me some blood, now!"

"What happened? We heard the commotion."

"Hang that blood! Just a minute Dr. Weir."

"Doctor, the bleeding has slowed and a unit of type specific is up."

"Doctor?"

"Yes, Dr. Weir. We had to shift Dr. Beckett so Dr. McKay could look at the device. His hand got loose from the restraint and in desperation to ease the pain he tried to pull the device out, causing further damage. We've stopped the bleeding and he's stable, for now."

"Is Dr. McKay getting anywhere?"

"I'm afraid not."

oooooooooo

"…odney?"

"Carson? Oh God. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"...s'ok……it out."

"What?"

"…"

"Carson, what did you say?"

"…pull…pull it…out."

"I can't. I'm sorry. I'm trying, but I can't."

"…hurts…pl'se…pull it…odney…pl'se…"

"I'm sorry, it won't come out. It's all my fault. I shouldn't' have made you touch it. I'm sorry, I can't, I just, I can't…"

"Dr. McKay, where are you going?"

"I'm sorry, I can't be here. I have to go."

"You can't leave. What about Doctor Beckett? McKay? Come back here! McKay!"

oooooooooo

"Rodnay! Stop!"

"…"

"Please, talk to me."

"There's nothing to say."

"Rodney, wait."

"Leave me alone, Elizabeth."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Not my fault? Who found the device? Who ignored safety protocols? Who yelled at Carson to activate it? Of course it's my fault."

"You didn't mean for him to get hurt."

"He's going to die because of me."

"He's not going to die."

"Oh, and how do you know that?"

"Because I know you're going to go back in there and do everything that you can to help him."

"I can't do it."

"Yes, you can Rodney. Even if you don't believe it, I do. And so does Carson."

"I can't see him like that."

"I know it's hard, but you can do it. I'll go with you."

"What if I make it worse? I can't watch another person die knowing it's because of me."

"We both know Carson would want you to try. No matter what might happen."

"But he didn't want to do it in the first place. I made him. He was so scared and…and…"

"Rodney? What is it?"

"I think I know how to turn it off."

ooooooooooo

"Dr. Beckett?"

"…"

"Carson, can you hear me."

"…"

"Doc, he passed out again."

"I don't know how much more of this his body can take. If we can't remove that device soon, he probably won't make it."

"Where the hell is McKay."

"Did you try his radio?"

"He left it here. Elizabeth went after him. If anyone can bring him back, it's her."

"I hope he understands that he is probably the only person that can save Dr. Beckett."

"Speak of the devil. Welcome back Rodney."

"Doctor, you'll want to be close. This device is coming off."

oooooooooo

"Well done, Rodney. What happened?"

"Well, when the Major tried to activate the device, he just thought 'on' and nothing happened. Normally that should have worked, only this particular device works on a different level."

"Different how?"

"This device is powered on a more emotional level. Since Sheppard's abilities are so natural, a reaction is almost instantaneous. He doesn't have to put much thought or emotion into it. That's why it didn't activate for him either."

"How did you figure out what it was?"

"When it didn't work for me I figured the object only responds to natural gene carriers. So when it didn't work for John, I thought it was broken. Since it's obviously not broken, there had to be another element to the puzzle. The only difference between the Major and Dr. Beckett was that Carson was scared. He's terrible at hiding his emotions and they transferred to the object. Once I figured that out, it was just a matter of combining 'off' with a calming emotional state."

"Well it's a good thing you figured it out, or he'd be dead."

"He is going to be okay, right?"

"Yes, the doctor says he'll be fine. The surgery couldn't have been better. He lost a lot of blood and it was close, but you came through in the nick of time. He will be a patient for awhile and will probably need some physical therapy, but the doctor is expected to make a full recovery."

"When is he supposed to wake up?"

"The doc said, probably not until some time tomorrow."

"Well, it's getting pretty late; I think I'm going to call it a night."

"Yeah, me too. Rodney?"

"I'll stay a little longer, just in case he wakes up."

"Be sure to get some rest, Rodney."

"I will. Goodnight Major, Dr. Weir."

oooooooooo

"Hi Carson. How are you feeling?"

"Like a human pin cushion."

"That bad?"

"No, not really. Just glad to be rid get that contraption. I hear I have you to thank for that. No surprise there."

"Well, you know, genius and all."

"Right."

"Look, Carson, I'm really sorry about what happened. It was my fault and…"

"No need to apologize, lad. I don't blame you?"

"You don't?"

"No, I don't. It was an accident. These things happen."

"But you could have died."

"Aye, that's right. But I didn't. We all make mistakes Rodney, what's important is how we deal with them. In the end, you saved my life. That's all that matters."

"So…you up for round two tomorrow?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, there's still a bunch of things that need activating…"

"I'm sorry Dr. McKay, but Dr. Beckett needs his rest. You can come back tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow, Carson."

"He was joking…right? I mean he can't seriously think I'm up to tinkering with those, those things…can he? You can post guards outside to keep him out…can't you?"

"Carson!"

"Huh, oh...um, yes?"

"Get some rest."

"But…"

"Goodnight, Dr. Beckett."

"Seriously, don't let him in here with any of his wee toys."

"…"

"Hello?"

"…"

"Hello?"

"…"

"Oh crap."

oOo

Fin