She was more likely falling slowly and deep in love with her best friend, maybe that was why it hurt so much. And the lack of communication between them wasn't helping either.
Santana knew the moment she heard them singing, the moment she saw them looking into each others eyes, she knew that she had lost any type of hope that had begun to emerge within her. It was highly possible that it would be like that anyway, but she hoped.
She saw how Quinn acted all cozy and lovely next to that poor attempt of man that was Puck. And she could never understand why him. After all that had happened Quinn should have never got back with him, but apparently her friend was still just as stupid as ever.
Anyone was better for her than Puck, he wasn't right for her, so why Quinn couldn't see it?
So she couldn't understand why everyone seemed so fond about the idea of them together again, it was simply stupid. It was sick.
It's not like with this trip back home of all her fellows from Glee she was expecting something from her friend. She knew first hand that you could never expect something from Quinn. But maybe, just maybe, there was a window open for her. Because despite of everything, and despite that it had been over a year since that night they shared together on Will's failed wedding. They always talked with each other, day and night. Sometimes even in more than just a friendly way.
That's what gave Santana hope, they've been talked everyday since that 14 of february. Hell they even seemed to be into some kind of distance relationship or something. If Quinn wasn't the one calling or texting Santana, it was the other way around.
Her friendship was gradually growing, and so Santana's feelings.
She didn't know if it was all on her mind, but Santana could swear that on several times Quinn flirted with her. Even sometimes suggesting a visit to a hotel for a three-time thing. But Santana being Santana didn't paid attention to that, she didn't think she meant it either, and she didn't know if she was willing to lose another friendship for jump into the sex ship. Santana didn't want to risk losing all the progress with her friend either by just saying something stupid. Something like 'I would love to'.
Still so, she hoped.
She thought that maybe she could have a chance with her. A chance to treat her like she really deserves and not like some kind of trophy. A chance to feel her lips again, a chance to touch her body and make her feel right. But that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.
Luckily for her, Brittany was by her side all the time. Her other best friend and once girlfriend.
Santana would love to feel now what she felt for her once. There wasn't heartbreaking involved back then, everything was so easy, with Brittany everything was easy.
That's why she spent the last two days in town with her. Just watching disney movies and eating ice cream. She divided herself between Brittany and her mom, avoiding all media to not see a happy picture of Quinn and Puck walking around Lima like a fucking couple.
Santana wonder why. Why Quinn stopped calling or answer her messages. Maybe it was something she said? Maybe Quinn realized Santana's feelings and ran away from her gayness?
It didn't matter though, because there was already some space between them growing that was getting more and more difficult to fix as the time pass.
When the time finally came, that same morning when she was ready to hop into Kurt's car to get back to New York again, they told her that exact morning that they were staying two more days. Santana sarcastically thought that this trip couldn't get any better. She would had to get back now in a train with ten fat men smelling like homeless.
So she said goodbye to her mom -who couldn't stop asking her what was wrong all the time- and Brittany. They couldn't go to the train station with her so she arrived alone.
And she was kind of grateful when she saw a familiar blonde girl, sitting on a bench and waiting for her train.
Santana shook her head, looking around and wondering where the hell was Puck? Always such a gentleman with the ladies.
She really didn't wanted to see Quinn, less now that they're both alone. Santana just wanted to disappear now, but sadly she couldn't.
So she just lowered her head walking behind that bench Quinn was sitting that she had to walked in order to get to the tickets office.
"You didn't say hello, and you now aren't saying goodbye?" Her subdued voice stopped Santana in her tracks, stopping her body right behind Quinn.
She wonder when the hell Quinn saw her.
Santana swallow, slowly walking around to see her better, to see her face to face. She's going to see her for Rachel so named New York Christmas anyway. A simple goodbye won't kill her.
"I'm not the one who is avoiding" Santana says with a small smile, trying to break the ice and trying to softness Quinn's HBIC face.
But it didn't work, so she just nods. She was dying to ask her where the fuck was her new boyfriend and why he let such a beautiful woman waiting alone here in Lima station, but she just bite her tongue.
She sighed, it wasn't even her place to say something.
"I could say the same" The gorgeous blonde answered him and it took Santana aback.
It was such a lie, but she really wasn't in the mood to argue with her.
"Bye Quinn, see you around" Santana simple said, not even looking at her.
"You're so stupid" Quinn answered her before she could even walk two steps.
Santana turned around to look at her, not quite sure if she heard right or not because why would Quinn call her stupid?
Well again, you never know with Quinn.
"Excuse me?" She softly asked her.
Quinn stood up from the bench with a defiant look and somehow, a sad face. She looked at Santana like trying to say something, but words never came out her mouth.
And strangely enough, Quinn's eyes were in the verge of tears, Santana could tell. And she was dying to just walk those few inches that separated them to wrap her in a big hug, soothing her. She didn't understand why she looks so upset.
Train to New Heaven 216, first and last call. A male voice interrupted their conversation.
Quinn lifted up her head, looking intently at Santana, but not saying anything. Her eyes though, were saying thousand of things. But Santana couldn't quite understand one.
Before starting to walk away, Quinn gave Santana one last look, their eyes seemed to speak for them. But too soon for Santana, Quinn was gone, walking to where her train was ready to go.
She just stood there, looking like a fool while the person that nowadays, was driving her crazy, was leaving her confused and with thousands of questions.
What was her fault? Why did she say that?
Santana abruptly shook her head, running a hand through her hair and sighing.
She can't keep doing this anymore.
She can't let one person make her feel like shit. She can't stop herself from living for just one girl.
Now she just needed to make her heart understand that, and everything will get better.
The night where she was supposed to see her, she didn't.
It was Christmas eve, all of her annoying but so lovable friends from Lima were there. All of them but Quinn.
Santana even hoped, once again, that she could surprise them, making a big Quinn Fabray entrance. But it was nearly 12 am. So she knew that her friend wouldn't be there.
She didn't know who -but she had a really clear idea- told Quinn that she was seeing someone.
A random day that week, Quinn texted Santana.
To say that her heart stopped altogether, it would mean to say very less than what really happened. Because Santana's entire world stopped.
The message though, was anything but happy words.
Quinn just wrote: Congratulations
Santana didn't even think that message needed a reply. And she knew immediately that Rachel Berry had something to do with it.
Who else could be?
It wasn't like Santana was in a relationship or something, she barely liked the girl. But she needed a distraction, and urgent. She needed to get Quinn out of her head and she really wanted to stop feeling like she was dying inside, she wanted to stop want so badly something that could never be hers.
So one night, she met a girl and it just happened, and it's been happening over a month now. Everything was fine, or close to 'fine' at least until Quinn's message.
Quinn text left Santana once again, wondering.
Wondering what the hell was with Quinn lately.
She was expecting to see her that night, but she didn't show up.
Hours later, when everyone was pretty much drunk and bursting in laughter, she stood up with her phone, walking to the small balcony of their apartment in New York and dialed her number.
She didn't know if it was because she was drunk, or because it was Christmas eve, or because she really missed the other girl's voice, she just knew that she was going to call her.
Santana nervously waited for Quinn to answer her phone.
She's been wondering all night with who she might be in this special day.
Why she didn't just come here with all her friends? It was weird, and she was confused.
After several seconds, Quinn finally answered.
"Santana" Quinn's voice was calm, soft and doubtful.
Santana's eyes closed the moment she heard that voice she loved so much saying her name in such a delicate way.
Maybe it was a mistake call her after all.
"Quinn" She replied back, and if things weren't as tense as they're now, they would be laughing together at their stupidity.
"What do you want?" The other girl asked directly.
It seemed like Santana was hit by a giant rock though. Why Quinn sounded like she would rather be eating rats than talk with her?
Or maybe alcohol was making her more sensitive than normal, it always happens.
"I just wanted to know how you are," Santana is surprised of how honest she sound, again, maybe it was a bad idea call her.
She heard Quinn sighing.
Santana didn't know at one point they went from talking every day to where they're now. Barely saying two words.
"I can't do this" Quinn weakly answered her, but not sounding quite convincing. Almost as if she were fighting with herself to say those words.
"Do what?" She whispered back, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer.
And just in that moment, when Santana's attention was all in the phone, in the call, listening intently to whatever Quinn was about to say, she heard Puck's voice.
And her heart broke into million pieces because she thought that they wouldn't last this much. She thought that Quinn would realize that Puck wasn't for her. But it seems like she was wrong.
They can't be together, they just can't.
"Are you with Puck?" Santana could be really masochistic sometimes.
And she knew the answer, she just wanted to hear it.
"Yes, with Puck and my family." Santana couldn't hold back the ironic laugh that escaped her lips.
Of course she's with him and her family. What was Santana thinking? She's Quinn Fabray.
This was crazy the moment she thought about it.
"Of course you are" Santana replied, closing her eyes to retain the tears.
She wasn't about to cry for someone who had never been hers in the first place. But her soul was feeling so empty that it was really temting.
She heard once again Quinn taking a deep breath.
All the voices came from afar. Maybe Quinn was on the yard.
"He's my safe choice" Quinn softly said, sounding upset.
And the moment she spoke those words, Santana knew, or suspected something.
But it can't be possible.
Maybe it was everything on Santana's mind again.
Could Quinn be with Puck against her heart?
"What the hell does that even mean?" She asked exasperated.
"It means that I will not get hurt with him." Quinn added and Santana was lost, she didn't know to where Quinn was going with those words.
Hearing her voice so sad though, broke Santana's heart again.
Why she kept listing to her anyway? Santana wanted to just end the call, but at the same time, she wanted to hear that voice. As long as possible.
They used to even fall asleep listing to each other's voice. Santana couldn't even count how many times she stayed late at night to just hear Quinn breathing, fast asleep on the other side.
But those times were gone, and she didn't even know why.
"You're a different story." Quinn voice cracked after those words, and so Santana's heart.
She thought about everything, over and over again and she asked herself what does that meant.
But before she could even ask anything, Quinn ended the call.
Santana stood still, analyzing every word and wondering what the fuck was that before heading back inside with her heart and soul completly broken.
What a nice Christmas eve.