In a modestly popular literary magazine's November issue, the following article was perused with some interest:
---
Why It Wouldn't Doesn't Work
By A. N. Yates
For the purposes of this exercise, please suspend your disbelief far enough to agree to the existence of vampires.
SITUATION
The following facts are true*:
Fact 1: Vampire have existed for over three hundred years.
Carlise is, reputedly, around this age and it is mentioned that the three core members of the Volturi are even older. Two Romanian vampires that are introduced in the last novel might be older even than them. However, three hundred years is enough to be getting on with.
Fact 2: Vampires do not require sleep or rest of any sort.
This is revealed to Bella by Edward in the first novel and is referenced several times throughout the series. I think we can accept that this applies to all vampires. We can also accept that vampires are immortal.
Fact 3: Vampires, on the whole, present signs of megalomania and narcissistic personality disorder.
In other words, they have an obsession with their own importance and a belief in their superiority over others. Such delusions are also common during the 'up-swing' of bipolar disorder.
Fact 4: Vampires have super-speed, super-eyesight, super-hearing, super-strength and super-smell.
This is well covered in all four books. In short, it means that you cannot sneak up on them, trap them, catch them, or in any other way beat them. Several of the vampires in addition possess curiously convenient 'gifts'. I cannot recall whether these things are supposed to be rare, but judging by the list provided with novel four, I would guess not. Of the fifty-five vampires listed there, twenty six posses one of these 'gifts'. That comes out to approximately forty-six percent of the slice of vampire population. Another point to remember is the vampires' stone-like skin, the kind that can break through rock.
Fact 5: Due to the above, vampires are invincible to everything and everyone, bar a few enemies.
According to the novels, vampires can only be killed by the following: werewolves, shape-shifters, and other vampires.
Based on the above facts, I would venture the opinion that humanity is royally screwed. Not only can we present no viable defense against this menace, this menace also happens to look upon us as we do a cow. Sunlight, crucifixes, holy water, stakes… our traditional fail-safes are apparently useless. All we can really look forward to is a quick death as our vampire overlords continue to exert their hold over the whole of society.
…except, we don't. In fact, the world in the Twilight novels seems to be puttering along quite nicely, blissfully unaware of the existence of vampires and their ilk. In such a wildly popular vampire novel, one is forced to ask: where are the vampires?
If you were a narcissistic, all-powerful being, would you honestly be satisfied to live a secret, behind-the-scenes existence? Look deep to find the answer. Would a group of three such beings with a large, equally powerful and awesomely gifted guard be satisfied with regulating one little city in the Mediterranean? If you would hold onto that thought and also take into account facts one and two…? Three hundred years is a long time to be alive, even only counting daylight hours, and anyone would grow quickly bored.
Really, if the vampires are the mentally unbalanced creatures they are portrayed as, and if they do posses all the traits they reputedly do, and they have lived as long as they supposedly have, then why, pray tell, are they not running the show? Why am I not being shown a vampire utopia where my kind are shut up like cattle? It seems unlikely that they stay their hand from any sort of moral conflict.
Perhaps their enemies, mentioned in fact five, are enough to keep them in line?
The first (called Children of the Moon because Italian vampires tend towards melodrama and capitalization), has been hunted to extinction as a species by a member of the Volturi who was almost killed by one once upon a time. {A digression: This sort of vendetta against the group of an individual who once threatened his feeling of strength or power is indicative of narcissistic rage.} Although the werewolves might have once presented a viable balancing force against the vampire takeover, they were reportedly hunted to extinction some time ago. Their opposition has been wiped out. What, then?
The second group of opponents is the shape-shifters from the reservation. As we are shown in the latter three books, they are fair opponents of the vampires, provided its one on pack. However, their viability as the balancing force is compromised by two things:
They appear to be phenomena unique to that area and a new one at that. Some might argue that there were previous generations of shape-shifters who could have filled the void. However, as the concept of the wolves as protectors of humans was new to every single vampire in the series, they clearly were not a lurking threat.
Their jurisdiction is only for the town of Forks. They have no duty to the outside world and so would not be bound or particularly inclined towards a bloodbath to stop a vampire takeover, as long as their town and reservation were left alone.
Their opposition to the vampire power is subjective and new; therefore, not what has kept the vampires in line all these centuries. What, then?
The final group of opponents is the vampires themselves. We are told at least once that those vampires who insist on 'traditional' feeding methods are less able to work and bond with other vampires. This, on its own, might have given the reason for vampires never managing to take power of the world – the old 'when thieves fall out' principle. And then we might also argue that those vampires who become faux vegetarians obviously have enough respect for humanity that they would not proceed with world domination plans. All this falls neatly into place and makes perfect sense. But one piece doesn't fit. As seen with the Volturi, it is not necessary to give up the old ways in order to form a large, cohesive force. No, in fact all that is required is a fellow vampire with one of those oh-so-useful gifts that can create the bonds between group members.
The novels tell us that this group makes and enforces the laws for the world's vampire population. They are shown to be powerful and effective. And now we arrive back at our original quandary:
Why aren't they out for world domination?
No viable opposition, no weakness, and every reason to do so; and yet, they don't. Thus, I present the following thesis:
There is a another power, working behind-the-scenes and in the wings to ensure humanity's continued freedom. My hat goes off to these brave men and women. Or robots.
---
Around the board table, pages rustled as each reader came to the end of the piece. A thoughtful silence reigned for a few moments. Then:
"Well it's nice to finally get some appreciation," said the redhead called Sadie, pushing her glasses to sit in her hair.
Slight murmurs of agreement echoed her sentiment before the ever present silence grasped the atmosphere once more.
"Still…" Sadie trailed off but the rest of the chairs were already nodding.
"Yes."
"She'll have to be removed."
Don, the acting chair, made a note and put the magazine aside with a sigh. Some ways down the table, the youngest member of the board perked up with the beginnings of an idea.
"Perhaps," he began hesitantly. All heads turned his way.
"Go on, Jarvis," Don prompted kindly.
"Well, we might consider giving her a management position. After all, she does demonstrate 'a firm grasp of Logic and Thought'." The Management Description quoted verbatim, Jarvis sat back with the satisfaction of a job well done and wiped the cold sweat off his brow.
Sadie flashed him a pleasantly surprised expression before turning in time with her colleagues to face the acting chair. Don was wearing a thoughtful crease on his brow.
"Yes," he said slowly at last. "Yes, I think there would be no problem there." The first note was crossed out and a second added under it. "Yes," he repeated. "Well done, Jarvis."
The young man flushed. The elderly woman sitting next to him patted his arm approvingly. The faces around the table were looking marginally happier.
"Next order of business," Don said, loudly so as to reach all the chairs. "R3OPS is requesting a standard team of two for an operation in Ring Three's terrestrial western hemisphere. Suggestions?"
"Barrie usually handles these, doesn't he?" asked the yellow-skinned Fletcher.
"He's on leave," Sadie offered, eyes on the notes before her. "What about Delroy?"
"Tied up in Ring Four's English kerfuffle, I'm afraid," piped up the voice of Gabriel, head of the Department for Operational Geography.
The thoughtful silence, so prevalent at these meetings, fell again.
It was Fletcher, deputy of the Department for Alimentary Supplies, who broke it.
"I suppose there's always Emma."
Certain chairs tensed, others winced, and Don said: "Ah, yes. Emma."