Warning: Character death, angst, the usual… Not to mention possible OOC-ness.
Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray-Man. I don't even know the basic storyline to it.
When he smiles… I imagine what you would look like, your cold face smiling for me and me alone.
When he holds my hand… I think about what your strong hands would feel around mine.
I made sure I never looked at the photo albums. I kept away from conversations about you. I've tried to forget everything about you.
And yet… I'm with the one person who reminds me the most of you. I thought that maybe time would erase you from my mind and put another in my heart. Time, it seemed, was the one thing I have too much of and you didn't have enough of. I remember cursing the world we were born into; the world where no good dead went unpunished, the bad continued to grow in power, and there was nothing that any of us could do about it.
And then he showed up. Your best friend, the one who always called you by your first name, despite how much you loathed it. He became a comfort to me. He stood by me when I was at my loneliest. But even so, through loneliness, my memory became the sharpest it's ever been. I remember the cold stares you'd give everyone, the appalling remarks you'd make about people on the rare occasion you'd talk, the constant sound of "che" following after the sound of your fading footsteps.
But by a cruel twist of fate, you're the only one who can cure me of this gnawing loneliness inside me. Nobody, not Allen, not Komui, not even Lavi.
Sometimes, I wonder what life would've been like if I'd told you. Maybe we could've been together. Maybe we could've had memories together. Maybe you could've learned to love me as much as I love you. All these maybes… They seem to scorn me now. If I'd been able to muster up the courage to be brave… Maybe then I wouldn't have to live with the regret of never telling you how much I loved you everyday for the rest of your prematurely ended life.
Maybe... is a word for the weak.
When he hugs me… I wonder what it'd feel like, being enveloped by your strong arms.
When I walk with him… I wish that I could've had the chance to have walked with you, our footsteps fading away together. Away from our problems, away from our grief, away from the sickness that inevitably took you away from me.
I wonder how could I have fallen for a cold, heartless person like you. You used to never speak unless it was to put someone down. Your eyes would never look at someone with nothing less of a frigid gaze. You treated people like they were less than you because in your mind, they were less than you.
That kind of mindset… It should've repelled me from you, but no. For some reason, I was as drawn to you as ever. Even though you never knew, I made promises to myself to keep you safe. I made promises to one day tell you how I feel. I made promises to be the one in your heart as you were the one in mine.
And yet… I couldn't even stop you from dying. I wasn't strong enough.
Kanda... Wherever you are… Please, forgive me for breaking my promise.
I'm so sorry.
A/N: Wow, first request fic! Not too proud of it since it feels too much like my NamIku one. That, and since I've never actually seen D. Gray-Man, I don't really know if I got everyone's personality right. :S Oh, well. If the requester person lady is happy, I'm happy. :D Hope you liked it, Oathy!
Oh, and this isn't beta'd, so any mistakes are my own. Just wanted to get a story out there after being dead [no pun intended] for a while.