WARNING: Deals with mature themes such as abuse and rape. If this is a trigger for you, DO NOT READ. I repeat, DO NOT READ IF THESE THEMES TRIGGER ANYTHING.
Twenty
The first time hurt. The smell of cigarettes and gasoline filled her sense of smell. He pressed her up against the scratchy seat of his car and pushed himself into her. She blinked away the tears but damned if she let him know that he had some effect on her. She bit her lip and listened to his breathing and grunting. It's over just as quickly as it started, for that she was relieved. She didn't even remember if she had said that it was ok for him to do it. She couldn't remember if she just kept quiet or if he had forced himself on her. It didn't matter, she thought, it's over with, it's better this way. He pulled away from her mumbling a soft "baby...that was hot." The only thing she could think of was rolling down the window and breathing in the cold air.
"Whatever." She replied. He scoffed at her aloofness and clambered back into the front seat.
"You coming up here?" He asked. When she didn't reply, he started the car. "You liked it." He insisted though probably more for assuring himself than her. She opened the window and rested her head against the open air. The breeze cooled her down and she closed her eyes. She wondered how old girls normally lost their virginity. She tried to convince herself that it wasn't much older than how old she was now. She was thirteen, he was sixteen. It was only three years. It was only...the first time.
The second time she cried tears of shame and it only served to turn him on. This time it's with someone much older so maybe he has more experience in making her feel good. These thoughts are lost when he shoved her up against his desk and roughly kisses her, forcing his tongue down her throat. She wanted to gag. This must be illegal...she thought and it was.
"I know what they say about you, Santana." He hissed into her ear. "And if you want to pass math..."
"I'm doing fine." Santana shot back. "I'm the smartest girl who doesn't care."
"Exactly...participation is a big part you know..." He whispered just as he ran his hand up her leg and up her skirt. She cringed against his touch. "And you haven't been participating." He finally reached her underwear and pushed it aside to thrust a finger into her. She bit her lip and clenched her eyes shut.
"You can't fail me."
"Oh yes I can." He promised. "And maybe I should. You'll get to spend another year with me." His breath was sour and Santana turned her head to avoid it. He took this as an invitation and kissed her neck in a way that made her shudder with disgust. He pulled his fingers out of her and hastily undid his zipper. "I hear they say you've slept with most of the guys in this school...so this shouldn't hurt at all." Santana killed the scream that started up in her throat when it did.
She passed the class and he was locked up. Santana wished that she had driven a protractor deep into his throat and watched his face as the life ebbed away but she held back her feelings and ignored them. She watched him from audience in court as he was tried for doing the same thing to another, more vocal female student who wasn't afraid of what this would do to her reputation. Her parents questioned why she was so adamant about seeing her math teacher get sentenced to jail but she merely insisted it was because she was good friends with the girl when in reality she had no idea what her name was.
When the trial was over she passed the girl who was walking away while her parents held her hand. All three of them were crying when she and the girl met eyes. Santana tried to give her a sympathetic look but she was sure that her eyes looked dead and devoid of any emotion. The girl looked straight at her, nodded like she knew exactly what Santana had gone through and never returned. Apparently the whispers of "slut" and "whore" were too much and she transferred. Santana didn't want her to go. It wasn't out of pity or affection; she didn't want to be the target of those whispers. After the girl left, it seemed like there was only one person who didn't sneer at her or make lewd jokes and she felt herself inexplicably drawn towards him.
He was tall and had rather curly hair. His name was Noah Puckerman and they connected instantly. He was nice to her in a way she'd never known before. He walked her to class, held her books and doors and told her she was pretty. He didn't use hurtful words and maybe that's why she kissed him when he leaned against the locker next to hers and told her she had pretty eyes.
"Pucker up Puckerman!" She heard the other boys jeer and he hastily broke the kiss.
"Ew, do you know what you might catch?" Another idiot asked. "You might as well go jump in a dumpster!" Santana turned around, feeling the tears burning in her eyes and the blood rushing to her face.
"Go away." She said. "While you still can." Before waiting for him to leave, she started walking away. Not three steps away one of the idiots making fun of Noah knocked her books down. She stooped down to pick them up and was surprised when Noah also helped her. He didn't look her in the eye and she could tell his ears were burning.
"You're pretty, Santana." He said. "And I like you. And you're not a...slut." Santana watched him as he stood up and handed her the textbooks. This must be love. She thought to herself. She grabbed his hand.
"Do you want to come over after school?" She asked. "We can study or something. My parents won't be home until 6." He smiled at her and nodded. She reached up and ruffled his curly jewish hair and almost skipped to class.
It was that same hair that she gripped in fistfuls as he kissed all up and down her neck. The two were tangled in each other's legs and arms on Santana's bed. It really had started at studying but Santana want to show Noah that she liked him back so she kissed his cheek and suddenly she was taking off his shirt, revealing a scrawny slightly tan body. She traced his stomach where the muscles were just barely forming from his working out and joining sports. He looks scared, she thought with a smile. His movements were awkward and clumsy. He had probably never done this with a girl before so Santana instinctively took the lead.
"I love you." She whispered, undoing the zipper to his jeans. The poor boy looked like he was about to win the lottery and lose all of it at the same time. She pushed him back onto the bed and straddled him.
"Santana?" He almost whimpered. Too cute...she thought with a smile. This is love, really...and she still clung onto the hope that because she was in love, that it would be a magical experience. She lowered herself onto him and he let out a groan and threw his head back. She looked at him, puzzled though not exactly at him. She moved above him, working past the pain to something that somewhat resembled pleasure. Her eyebrows knit together in confusion and she looked around as if something was missing and it was. Where was it? Where was that magical, amazing, thrilling experience that the movies and books and people promised her?
"Santana..." Noah growled deep in his throat and came. Santana watched as the vein his his throat pulsed quickly and she felt the urge to kick him out. It wasn't bad, per se but she felt still so empty. She climbed off of him and went to the bathroom to clean up. As soon as she closed the door, she threw up. She was just disappointed. She broke down in sobs on the floor. Maybe I am a slut...she thought to herself. I thought Noah would be the one...
"Santana?" Noah knocked on the door. "Are you ok?"
"Go away."
"But..."
"When I come out, you better be gone." She yelled. She heard him shuffle off, collect his stuff and finally leave, slamming the door. Santana stood up and looked at herself in the mirror. Her cheeks were tear stained and her hair was mess. She wiped her eyes and washed her face.
Noah didn't speak to her for a long time after that. Months went by before he even acknowledged that she was sitting next to him in English. He shaved his hair down to a mohawk and started going by "Puck" instead of Noah. His personality changed after that and Santana could tell that she had broken his heart that spring day in her bed. When they finally did talk, it was one word sentences in the shower of the boys' locker room as Noah...no...Puck lifted her up against the cold tiles and fucked her. He's just like everyone else...Santana thought as he roughly thrust in and out of her with the water beating down on her head, almost suffocating her. She made noises resembling that of a girl enjoying herself but she faked it and Puck bought it. She ticked off how many times they had sex after that and she soon had to use two hands to count. She then counted how many times it felt good for her and she didn't even need to use a finger.
She wasn't even sure how to count the one time at the Cheerios' "Welcome Newcomers" party that they threw after Sue Sylvester marched right into Spanish class and announced that Santana and a few other girls had made the team. Santana felt somewhat relieved more than happy. It was more that she now had status and no one would call her names anymore.
She got drunk that night and one of the boys in her grade who knew of her ill-gotten reputation all too well whispered in her ear suggestively. Santana was too drunk to say no and she let him lead her up to the host's bed. In the back of her mind she was aware of another guy following them in but she blacked out soon after that. When she came too, she wished she hadn't. One boy was positioned in front and one in back and she couldn't help but let out a cry of pain and anguish. They ignored her, just as plastered as she was. They leaned over her and kissed each other and Santana, through the haze of hurt thought "Oh my god, they are so gay for each other..."
She limped home after that, feeling violated and drunk. She thought in her head, "did that count as one or two?" She ticked off the number of times on her hands and gradually moved to her toes after trying to remember what came after 10. She kicked off her shoes and sat down on a bench. The minute she did that, she gasped in pain and rolled over onto her side. She buried her head in her hands.
"I am a slut..." She thought with a choked sob. She was suddenly aware of someone sitting down with their hips pressed against her legs. She sat up with a start, thinking maybe it was another drunk boy. Instead, she was met face to face with a blond haired, blue eyed girl in the same uniform. Santana recognized her as the girl who could do handless cartwheels all up and down the field like it was her business.
"What do you want?" she demanded, lying back down.
"My mom says that if you sleep outside, you're going to catch a cold." The blonde stated. Santana let out a harsh laugh.
"Does your mommy tuck you in at night too and tell you that there are no monsters under the bed?" She sneered.
"They're in my closet." The blonde corrected. Santana laughed again despite herself and she brought her hand to her mouth to stifle it. "I'm Brittany. We're on the Cheerios together."
"I'm not stupid." Santana snapped. "I can see your uniform." The blonde looked down, surprised.
"I keep forgetting what I'm wearing." She admitted and this time Santana really smiled. "Why are you sleeping on a bench? You're not actually a hobo are you?"
"No, just trying to forget a stupid party." She replied.
"Oh, yeah, I left early and got lost." Brittany explained.
"For how long?" Santana asked.
"Um...well I left when the party started..."
"You've been lost for 4 hours?" Santana said in disbelief. The blonde nodded.
"My family just moved here...so I don't know this place very well." Santana rolled off the bench and stood up.
"Come on, I'm feeling generous tonight since you made me laugh despite all the crap I've been through." Santana said, dusting off her new skirt. Brittany stood up and grinned.
"Thanks! I live on 23 Brooks." Santana almost snapped her neck turning around so fast.
"That's...right next door." She whispered. Brittany nodded.
"I saw you when I was moving in. You were with that...rooster...looking guy." Santana smirked at her description of Puck.
"Yeah, if you know what's good for you, stay away from him, he's bad news." Santana wanted to add "and me too" but she refrained. She walked home with Brittany as the blonde chatted about how small Lima was. She had just moved from Cleveland because the city was just too busy for her mother and they could no longer afford to keep the house. Santana listened to her because every now and then she'd interject with something completely random or downright stupid and it made Santana laugh a little. Santana even had a conversation with the girl and a pleasant one at that which might've been a first. As they rounded the corner, Santana found herself smiling more often than not. Her smile faded when she saw who was waiting for her.
"Hey, it's the rooster boy!" Brittany exclaimed. Santana said nothing and walked towards him. He sat on the front step, his leg moving up and down impatiently.
"Ok." Brittany said, seeing that Santana wasn't paying attention. "I'll see you Monday, I guess." Santana ignored her and walked closer to Puck. In the dim light, she saw him with a black eye and a bruised cheek. Blood covered his shirt and he wiped his nose with the bottom hem where there was even more blood.
"What happened?" She asked, touching his shoulder. He shrugged.
"Got revenge for you." He replied.
"What?"
"I saw you limping out and I heard those two assholes talking about what they did to you. So I called them outside and...roughed them up a bit." Santana stroked his hair.
"It looks like you lost." She teased.
"I won." He insisted. "You may be a bitch sometimes but no one touches my girl."
"When did I become your girl?" Santana scoffed. Puck shrugged. She was touched by his sweetness. She ached for him, well not him exactly. Her whole body ached for him to be the one. She wanted so badly for him to be her knight but there was always an emptiness. It was like running 90% of the marathon and stopping just short; there was emptiness and a sense of disappointment. That didn't stop her from trying her damnedest though.
"Want to make me your girl now?" She asked coyly, grabbing the collar of his shirt. He smirked. It was Puck who rounded out the night with and even 15.
The sixteenth time was sweet, like a sweet sixteenth birthday present even if she wasn't that old. His name was Eric. He was one of Puck's friends. He took her out and dated her properly. Santana was happy that she was experiencing something resembling normal. She gave herself to him a few weeks later in her room. He was sweet and kept kissing her, something Puck had not done in a long time. And he would break the kiss and just watch her face as if it were the most captivating thing in the world. She knew even before he whispered it as he came that he loved her. He was awkward and it didn't feel as good as when Puck did it but it held a special meaning to her. He loved her so much and she could feel it in the gentleness when he entered her, or when he went down on her and she made a mental note that her sixteenth time was more satisfying than she'd experienced so far. She actually felt good, there were still no fireworks, no magical moment that redefined sex for her but it was good.
And they had sex again later that week. She liked the way he buried his face into the crook of her neck and kissed her. She turned her head to the side and let out a soft sigh. When she opened her eyes, she saw the light across the side yard turn on. It was Brittany.
The blonde danced into her room which happened to be straight across from Santana's. She bobbed her head and twirled in place to music Santana couldn't hear. Suddenly she started stripping. Santana colored and looked away. Doesn't she have blinds? She thought furiously. But she couldn't resist peeking again, only pausing to kiss Eric every now and again.
"What are you looking at?" He asked, turning. She grabbed his head.
"Focus on me." She ordered and he said no more. She soon realized that it wasn't because she was jealous that he might've found Brittany more attractive with her lean, tall and pale body fit from years of dance lessons. It was the opposite, she felt possessive of that body.
Over the past weeks while she got cozy with Eric, Brittany had been her surprising ally and friend. The blonde knew nothing of the Latina's reputation (though by now it was almost forgotten). Santana suspected, as she felt her heart swell every time Brittany smiled at her, that even if she knew, she wouldn't care.
Brittany made Santana happy. And that was more precious than anything.
Something stirred in Santana as she looked again at the topless, pantsless blonde singing into her hairbrush across the way. It built to an uncomfortable pressure when Eric entered her and Brittany removed her underwear. Santana felt voyeuristic and confused, having sex with Eric while watching Brittany smooth lotion across her legs. There was something building and Santana wanted release so badly. She gripped Eric's arms.
"Harder. Faster." She ordered, desperate. Eric complied and she let out a cry of frustration which he took to mean release. He came soon after. Santana stared at the ceiling and then back to Brittany's room. Brittany had turned off the lights.
"Go home, Eric." She sighed.
"You don't want to cuddle?" He asked. "You wanted to cuddle last time..."
"Shut up and go away." She snapped, pushing him off of her. "And don't bother calling me. We're done."
"Then what...why?" The boy was clearly confused and angry. "I thought you liked me!"
"You thought wrong boy." She sneered. He was hurt and angry and she heard him mutter "slut" as he left the room. She threw her pillow against the door and curled up on her bed, trying to soothe the ache.
"Hey Santana!" Brittany waved to her and Santana couldn't help but give her a once over. Brittany was wearing the Cheerio's uniform like always but Santana couldn't help but picture her lithe, naked body skipping over to where she stood. "I saw Eric go into your house last night, were you two having a study party?" Santana scoffed.
"Yeah, that's it." She liked that about the blonde. She would never (or perhaps couldn't) assume anything. To her, Santana was this paragon of morality and wisdom. And most importantly, she had no idea about Santana's old reputation.
Until two seconds later.
Santana stopped dead in front of her locker. On the front in bright red sharpie was "SANTANA LOPEZ IS A SLUT!" She colored and looked around only to see Eric glaring at her from the corner. He held up a red sharpie and tossed it into the trash. It was still early and not too many people saw the message before Santana took out a tissue and wiped her locker clean. She didn't care who else in the school saw, she cared if Brittany saw. She turned to her friend who had a troubled look on her face.
"Santana...what's a slut?" She asked. Santana closed her eyes and shook her head. Of course the blonde didn't know.
"It's...don't worry about, Brittany."
"A slut is someone who has sex with anyone who crosses her path and breaks their heart." Eric sneered as he passed by. This isn't happening...Santana hoped but the look on Brittany's face showed she knew exactly what it meant now.
"Santana..." The blonde began but Santana just started walking away. They were late for class.
Santana didn't speak to Brittany all day. But when they were in the locker rooms changing, she couldn't avoid it.
"Santana." Brittany approached her. Santana's locker was in the corner and it was hard to avoid Brittany as she stood in between her and the exit.
"Yeah?"
"Did you really...did you really sleep with everyone who crossed your path?" Brittany asked.
"What do you think?" Santana snapped. Brittany bit her lip.
"No." She replied.
"I don't care what you think anyway." She tried to move past Brittany but she blonde grabbed her arms. Her eyes were downcast and she was clearly struggling with something inside her.
"17, ok?" Santana blurted before she could control herself. "I've had sex 17 times and do you know how many of those times I didn't want it? About a third. Do you know how many times I've enjoyed it? None. I slept with my first boy when I was 13 and I've held this dirty reputation ever since he couldn't keep his stupid mouth shut." Santana realized she was shaking when she said all of this. Brittany's grip on her arms got tighter. "Later that year, my math teacher raped me and not just once. He said he would fail me otherwise and like hell was I spending another year with him. Then I was raped again that night I met you. At the Cheerio's party. I couldn't sit afterward." She saw Brittany's head snap to look at her. Her mouth was slightly agape and her expression held sadness more than confusion now. Santana had to look away to continue. She couldn't take the pitying expression that Brittany held and most of all she was scared that if she looked anymore into Brittany's quickly watering eyes, she would cry too. She had done such a good job of holding it, compartmentalizing it all for so long. "And most of the times I've had sex it was with Puck."
"Eric?" Brittany whispered.
"Just twice." She pulled her arm out of Brittany's grasp. "So there. Maybe I am a slut for sleeping with all those guys." She exited the locker room leaving Brittany fumbling with all the information.
By now, sex for Santana had become a way to mask the pain inside with a more physical pain. Puck noticed this when she started asking for him to be unnecessarily rough. This time was no exception as she begged for him to hurt her. He thought it was hot the first time but it soon became apparent that it was getting to an unhealthy level. When they were done and Santana started putting clothes back on, Puck stopped her.
"Hey San?" He said. "Are you ok?"
"Shut up, Puck." She snapped.
"Does that actually feel good?" He said, running his hands over several red welts on her back from him either hitting her or biting her. She gave an exasperated sigh.
"Nothing feels good with you Noah. It never has and it never will." She felt him pull back both physically and emotionally. When she turned around to face him, he was clenching his teeth and his nose was flaring with anger.
"Find yourself another boy toy, I'm done with you." He said, getting off the bed.
"Noah...I didn't..."
"Stop calling me that!" He yelled. "The name's Puck and you know what? You've been treating me like your sex toy for too long." He stood up and looked out the window. For a second he paused before breaking into a sad smile.
"Your new toy is standing outside." He said, walking out of the room. Santana scrambled over to the window to see what he meant. She noticed Brittany standing outside, every now and again walking to the curb and then turning around. She was biting her lip and looking up at Santana's window though she couldn't see that the Latina was watching. She paced back and forth for a little while before Puck left the door. The two exchanged words and Puck pointed in Santana's direction. Santana ducked down, her heart racing. What was she doing here? She waited, wondering what she would do when a soft knock interrupted her thoughts. Brittany stood in the door frame to her room.
"Puck said it was ok...and that you were expecting me." Santana made a mental note to kill Puck tomorrow.
"What were you doing outside?" Santana demanded.
"I..." She looked around trying to come up with the right words. "I...I just wanted to let you know that I don't think you're a slut." She looked up and the orange street light hit Brittany's eyes in such a way that it sparkled a slight green and blue color. Santana's breath caught in her throat. "And I hope you're not mad at me. I really like you." The Latina stood up and hugged Brittany. She felt relieved and so happy that she wanted to cry.
"Thank you." She whispered. "I thought that if you found out, you'd stop liking me." Brittany brought her arms up and wrapped them around her shoulders.
"No way." Santana was keenly aware that they were still holding each other after a few seconds. Her arms tightened around Brittany's waist and she felt the blonde do the same thing. Santana opened her eyes and rested her head against Brittany's shoulders.
"Santana..." Brittany whispered, pulling back. The two stared at each other and Santana felt dread well up inside her. She knew this tension all too well and she felt scared for a change. Every part of her suddenly wanted to kiss Brittany, to pull her down onto the bed and show her everything that she had learned and maybe discover a few new things.
"NOT HER!" Santana's mind screamed. "DO NOT MAKE HER ONE OF YOUR STATISTICS!" She started breathing in short gasps, waiting for the impending kiss and Brittany's gaze flitted from Santana's eyes to her lips rapidly. The two stood there, wanting each other so badly but refusing to move for what seemed like minutes when in reality it was 44 seconds. Brittany suddenly broke the catatonic state by leaning in and kissing Santana's cheek.
"It's late, I'm going home." She said. "I'm glad you're my friend, San." She said before dashing out the door. Santana quickly moved to the window and watched the blonde jog over to her house, hair bouncing with each step. Santana put two fingers to her neck and felt the pulse there. It was as if she had been running at top speed, her heart was racing so fast. Most of all, she felt scared. When she thought that she had lost Brittany because of her reputation, it felt like nothing in the world would be right again.
"I will not make her another statistic." She thought to herself.
It was Saturday and Santana had no plans. Her parents were out of town that weekend and she contemplated having a party but decided she didn't want to deal with the mess. Instead, she lay on her bed and played with a giant ball made of rubber bands, bouncing it off the ceiling. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. She sat up, wondering who it was. She looked out her window and couldn't see who was at the door. She went downstairs and looked out the side window. It was Eric. Puzzled, she opened the door.
"What are you doing here? We're not dating anymore, remember?" She said angrily. He just stood there and Santana had a bad feeling. The way he was looking at Santana made her uneasy. "Whatever." She said and slammed the door in his face.
Except he stopped it with his hand.
"What are you doing?" She demanded, pushing the door a little harder. He forced the door open and advanced on Santana. "Get out of my house!" He grabbed her and threw her onto the couch with such a force that Santana's head hit the wood frame through the cushions. She saw the world spin and slowly drift in and out of focus. She was aware the Eric had now positioned himself over her and she mouthed "oh god no...". Eric pinned the weakly struggling girl down and kissed her forcefully. She spat in his mouth and he pulled away.
"You did this to me!" He yelled as he forcefully thrust into her. Santana let out a choked cry along with a "Please no...".
"You slut! You did this to me! How could you break my heart? Huh? I loved you!" Santana cried and turned her head as he had his way. She could hear him whisper, "don't cry, baby. I'll make it feel good, I promise." She realized there was a good chance he was out of his mind. After a few minutes, Santana's sobs grew quieter and she resigned herself. In fact, the only thing crossing her mind was "19...19...19...". She remembered her math teacher and how he had raped her and now she was being forced to relive the horror. She heard herself whisper
"Please stop..." over and over again with a cry of pain every time he moved.
"OH FUCK NO!" Without any warning, she felt him pull out and felt a sharp jolt of pain. The instant his body stopped pinning hers she curled up into a ball. When she blinked away the tears, she saw that he was literally being lifted and thrown, crashing through the doorway onto the steps. She looked at the newcomer.
"Puck?" She whispered. Puck looked at her, down to her ripped skirt and back up to her tear stained cheeks. His nose flared and she saw an anger in him that she had never seen before. With a primal snarl he leaped onto her attacker and began beating his head against the concrete. Santana closed her eyes and cried and suddenly someone gathered her up and held her gently. When she opened her eyes, she saw Brittany kissing her forehead and whispering "ssshh..." into her ear. The blonde rubbed her hands up and down Santana's arms and Santana broke into tears again.
"I'm here...ssh..." Brittany assured her. She lifted her hands and covered Santana's ears so she couldn't hear the small cries of pain coming from her front step. Santana buried her face into Brittany's shirt and bawled and shook and clung desperately to her so that she wouldn't leave her. Brittany closed her eyes, trying to absorb and understand what had happened and she felt tears prick at her eyes.
"I'm here, San. I'm here."
Later, when the cops were leading both Puck and Eric away, Brittany held Santana's hand as she recounted the incident. When it was Brittany's turn to answer questions, she explained how she had stumbled upon the rape.
"I was just...on my way over to Santana's and I saw Eric. He didn't look happy so I stayed away. I saw him knock on Santana's door and...everything just happened at once. I saw him throw her on the couch and I was scared so I called Puck. San was crying and I practically screamed for him to get here."
"So you didn't do anything to stop him yourself?" The officer asked. Brittany burst into tears.
"I was scared, I didn't know what to do." She sobbed and pulled her hand out of Santana's. The officer finished his questions and left. Brittany was still shaking and Santana pulled her head to her chest, running her fingers through her blond hair.
"It's ok." She whispered.
"No, I could've stopped him. Why am I so stupid? So, so stupid!" Brittany was inconsolable and the only thing Santana could do was hold her until the sobs subsided.
"It's ok, B. It's ok. We'll get through this."
Weeks passed and Brittany no longer smiled. It hurt Santana to see her best friend in that state. It was worse than the actual incident. She had learned to take all her bad memories and put them into the dark recesses of her mind where they couldn't hurt her. Brittany never had to do anything like that and so this affected her so deeply that she came to school everyday looking like she had cried the previous night. The two even stopped hanging out because she felt so guilty that she had simply stood there in shock and waited for Puck to take action. Puck had been acquitted of his charges easily while Eric served time. Santana went into the trial with a neutral face and when the judge read off his sentence, all she did was nod in agreement.
Word traveled fast. Suddenly everyone was avoiding Santana like the plague. Santana didn't mind, it was better than being mercilessly teased anyway. Really only one person mattered and that girl was standing right next to Santana.
"Hey B?" Santana started. Brittany looked up at Santana and the Latina felt something in her chest contract because of the worn out look in Brittany's eyes. "Let's hang out today."
"I can't, San..." Brittany sighed.
"Why?"
"I just can't..."
"Tell me why." Brittany took a deep breath and couldn't meet Santana's eyes.
"I feel bad. Being with you kinda hurts. Every time I see you I think about Eric and..." She bit her lip and went silent.
"Ok, you need stop right there." Santana said. "What happened to me was none of your fault."
"But I just stood there! I stood and I waited for Puck while...while he..."
"And what could you have done if you had tried to stop him? He is roughly 60lbs heavier than you, plays football and has pain sensors like a brick. If you had tried to stop him, he would've hurt you."
"Better that than stand around..." Brittany whispered. Santana slammed her hand against the locker, causing everyone around her to jump.
"I would never forgive myself if you got hurt, B. You mean too much to me." Santana hissed. Brittany's eyes widened and so did Santana. She clasped a hand over her mouth, suddenly wishing she hadn't uttered those painfully true words. Suddenly Brittany's eyes were doing that flitting thing again. She would be staring so knowingly into Santana's eyes one second and then glancing at where her full lips would be had her mouth not been protecting them.
"Ladies! It's practice time!" Sue called from down the hall. Santana dropped her hand and yelled a quick "yes coach Sylvester!"
"Are we still hanging out later?" Brittany asked timidly. Santana's head snapped forward.
"Yes!" She smiled. Brittany smiled too and Santana found nothing more beautiful than that.
They went to Santana's house after that and just to piss of Sue Sylvester, Santana went into the kitchen and got them both ice cream cones. They went up to Santana's room to eat them and try to bring back the happier days.
"Did you see how mad Coach Sylvester got when you totally showed up that stupid senior cheerleader?" Santana laughed. Brittany giggled.
"Well, I am better at dancing." She admitted.
"Better? You're the best!" Santana beamed. "I'm glad you're here, Brit." She said quietly. Brittany smiled.
"I'm glad I'm here too." A moment of silence passed between them as they were unsure how to proceed. Brittany broke the silence.
"San! Your ice cream is going to drip on your bed!" Santana looked down at her hand. There was cold chocolate dripping down her hands. She switched the cone to the other hand.
"Oh god! Brit, get me a napkin or a towel or something!" Santana held her hand out. She caught Brittany's eye for a brief second before the blond leaned over and slowly, sensually licked the ice cream off of Santana's hand. Her tongue traveled up her knuckles in small flicks, making sure to get every little bit of ice cream off. Every time she reached the dips between each knuckles, she brought her lips against Santana's hand, sucking gently. The sensation was maddening. Brittany's mouth worked its way across the sensitive skin. Santana watched, transfixed as the blond slowly and surely cleaned off her hand. When she finally finished, she moved back and wiped her lips with a finger. Her cheeks were a dark red and she refused to meet Santana's eyes. She grabbed a nearby bowl and stuck her ice cream cone in, no longer hungry. She had done what she wanted; she had tasted Santana and that was sweeter than any flavor of ice cream.
"Brit..." Santana's voice was heavy with desire. Brittany glanced up and saw the pure lust in Santana's eyes. "Brit...you need to leave. Right. Now." Santana had said the exact same thing to Puck and Eric after they had sex. She didn't want their company. This time, with Brittany, it was the exact opposite. She wanted Brittany and she wanted her now. "Right. Now. This is my last warning." Brittany met her eyes steadily.
"No." That was all the response Santana needed. She lunged forward, dropping her ice cream cone on the floor and attacked Brittany's mouth with her own. She tasted like vanilla bean and Santana wanted more. Brittany's lips were sweet and Santana sucked gently every now and then on her bottom lip. She pulled Brittany down onto the bed with her and the blonde instinctively started kissing her neck in the same way she had done to her hand just seconds ago. The feeling drove Santana crazy and she let out a moan. She bucked her hips against Brittany's, her hands grabbing the hem of the blonde's uniform and hoisting it over her head frantically. Brittany undid the buttons to Santana's shirt, fumbling for a second before practically tearing her shirt apart. The two were in a frenzy of arms and hands struggling to remove any and all barriers that separated their skin. Brittany won the speed race, removing Santana's underwear and Santana ground her hips against her wrist. And suddenly Brittany's fingers were inside Santana. The Latina's mouth opened to let out a silent moan and she stared straight into Brittany's eyes. Offering a small, scared smile, Brittany began moving her hand. Santana let her head rest back onto the pillow and timed her movements with her partner's. With her left hand, she grabbed the back of Brittany's neck and with her other hand she gripped her arm. It felt good, it felt more than good, it felt like Santana never wanted Brittany to stop whatever she was doing.
"What. The. Hell?" She panted. She pulled Brittany into a heated kiss and moaned into her mouth. The feeling of pressure was building again, that feeling that she was headed towards something scary. The difference was there was no stopping it. With the boys she felt an emptiness in her and that feeling would only get built up and never go anywhere. But Brittany's fingers were doing things that caused her to roll her eyes back and bite Brittany's lip to stop from screaming. She ground herself against Brittany's hand and Brittany moved her thumb over that sensitive spot that so many boys didn't even know existed.
And suddenly she was in a million pieces in every direction. It felt like a star had exploded inside her, filling her with warmth and pleasure. She broke the kiss and cried out and opened her eyes wide. Brittany looked at her and kissed her forehead as her body shuddered and spasmed with what felt like an earthquake.
"I've got you, San." She whispered.
"Oh GOD." Santana screamed. Brittany's ministrations slowed in time with Santana's descent to earth again and Santana's grip on Brittany's spine and arm went slack. She let her arms drop to her side. Brittany hovered over her, pulling her fingers out and wiping them off on the bed. Her eyes scanned Santana's face as she tried to regain conscious thought.
Twenty. Suddenly Santana began crying and Brittany's look of concern instantly turned to one of panic.
"San? San? I'm sorry! I didn't know I did anything wrong." Brittany apologized. Santana shook her head vigorously and pulled her into another kiss.
"It felt good, B. And...and it was the first time it felt good like that." Nevermind that it was also the first time she came, she felt like she had time to tell her later after this flood of emotions passed by.
"Then why are you sad?"
"Because, B." She kissed her again. "I don't want to turn you into a statistic. I don't want this...this moment to be just another number in my head." Brittany flopped down alongside her and threw her arms and legs around Santana's body.
"What number am I?" She asked. Santana brushed away some of her tears and Brittany kissed the rest away.
"Twenty." She whispered. Twenty goddamn times. Twenty fucking times to get to this...this wonderful place.
"I like the number twenty." Brittany replied cheerfully. "It was the first grade I ever got. My mom was so proud of me she took me out for ice cream. 'Course, later I found that 80s or 90s or 100s were even better but I got dinosaur crunch that day so I like the number twenty." Santana laughed at the simplicity of Brittany's response. She rolled onto her side and pressed her forehead against Brittany's.
"You're really special, do you know that?" She whispered. Brittany kissed the tip of her nose and replied,
"If you say so."
It was the moment that Santana would remember for the years to come. She continued to sleep around with different guys but she didn't mind so much when they didn't satisfy her. All she needed to do was remember that a certain blonde was waiting back at home for her to finish what they couldn't and to fill the void that no one else could come close to touching. It was that memory that brought a smile to Santana's face after she and Finn had done the deed.
"I've noticed that it takes about 20 or so times before the feeling of accomplishment kicks in." She said this to Finn after seeing the look on his face. It mirrored her own after her first encounter. She took his hand and patted it gently. He dropped her off at her house and she couldn't resist trying to assure him one last time. He seemed confused and a little sad.
"Hey Finn." She said. "You'll find her. You'll find the girl who will make everything feel right."
"Did you?" He asked. She smiled genuinely at him.
"Yeah." She replied. He gave her a lopsided smile.
"Thanks." He said before driving off. Santana flipped open her phone and dialed the number she knew by heart.
"Hello?" The timid voice at the other end answered.
"Hey. I'm back. I'm standing outside."
"Ok! I'll be out in a second." Santana hung up the phone and stood in the driveway to Brittany's house. The night was cool against her heated skin and despite the awkwardness of her previous venture, she felt calm, even excited. She saw Brittany's lights flick on and saw the shadow move towards the window. The shades opened and Brittany waved at her with both hands before disappearing. Santana smiled and sat down on the curb. She didn't mind waiting.
Fin