Life, like any other thing in this world, grows old and tiresome. Sometimes to the degree that theres nothing to to do but watch it fly by. You speed everyday setting in front of a TV or playing a video game instead of putting what little brains you have left to good use. There is also the fact that when you do use your brain, it dose not help one bit. Wasting time in this world time the icy hand of death falls upon your heart, and unconsciously rips it out. All the pride, lust, greed, Evey,gluttony, wrath, and sloth that you fell in this word is taken account as you face the judgment of the Lord, or will you face the Devil. Whatever the one you face, it is not my right to know or say. Just know that every act that you commit in this world in taken account, and written in your own blood. Stained on your hands, and no matter how hard you scrub, they will not come off...
These were the words written in red on the piece of parchment that lay on my desk. It was begging the young nun to read them. Over and over till she could understand the very meaning of this world. We live to die and die to live. That we struggle to fight in this world she would never get. She was ether to young, or could not comprehend the sadness of this world that were written on the parchment. Whatever the reason I stood and watched. She must not have heard my boots as I walked into the room, but non-the-less I was watching her try and decipher the paper I had written while in a deep depression. Finally I spoke, "Miss Esther...is there something I can help you with", my voice unwilling became horse. She looked up at me a look of concern on her face as she handed me back the parchment. I glanced at the words and broth a shape sigh in.
"Fa-Father...what dose that mean?", she asked, he voice a shaky, "I know they mean something."
It was time for me to enplane myself, but the fact that the paper said it all was nothing. She could not understand the words that I had written. She could not know how I felt. She had not watched her love fall at the hands of her brother. Nothing I have seen could I put in words. That before this time the lands was large. That the whole world had human and animals alike on it. That you could go in the designated dark area and come back alive. That there was more the the small parts of Asia, and part of Europe left. That in fact there was North America, said to be nothing but a lie these days, and that there was more then one language.
I could put non of that in words. So how could I explain myself when everything I knew, I saw, I learned to hate so much was gone. Tho now my view was so much more different. I do not see humans as my enemy. I find them as friends, and see them as lost lambs to the slather to the vampires. I made so many promises to everyone that I cannot keep up with them. One I will, the one that I have keep for so long. I made a promise to help the humans. There was only one thing I could say, "These words are just how I felt at one time. It was long ago, so think nothing of them.", I let a fake, empty smile cross my face. I seem to one on all the time. No one sees that inside I am crying. That inside I am falling apart. Inside I am in darkness with no light to help me out.
"Father... ", was all she could get out to say. Anything she said would mean nothing. There just words. Words have never stopped a war. They have never changed a persons heart. They just hang in the air, left for nothingness and meaninglessness. "Father...how could you fell such a way?", were the words that she spoke. I closed my eye's and keep the smile on my face. I don't now why but I did, I let word escape my mouth I should not have.
"Because at one time I thought this world as nothing but a ball in dirt with monkeys on it.", my mind went blink as I said these words. My tough acted on it's own accord. Each word cut my own heart like it was nothing. I kept my eyes closed not wanting to see the face of the nun in front of my. I knew it would be a look of shock and disbelief. I could feel the open-eyed stare upon me. Cutting me open like a slab of beef. I waited to hear the words she had in return, but they never came. My own thoughts began to wonder to the words I had said. I know at one time those were my thoughts, but now they had been changed.
Finally the quietness was broken. The words she said were so soft. They washed over me like a sunset. "Father...words and feelings are two different things. You can put feelings into words, but they will only mean something to you.", she said taking my hands into hers. This forced my eye's open to see the small smile she allowed her face to play upon it. I did not know what to say. My own words lost in my mind. Sometimes I don't have the right words. Nothing seemed to focus when this happened. My mind would go blank and my eye's would shift trying to find the right words that were lost in my mind. I would just look at the person who said the word that throw me off as my mind collected itself. This time it didn't want to collect the thoughts, but act on an urge. The urge that I seemed to have so much these days.
The word of that urge always escaping when I lest expect them to. "Wh-what?", they always seemed to get me in some type of trouble or anger someone. When I was younger I would have been punished for asking such a question. For not allowing myself to increase in knowledge, but these days it's the only way to know how to get anything. I knew that now, but there was nothing new to learn. Instead the world must relearn everything that was lost. It would take years with the right minds working together, but why would you want to relearn and recreate the biggest screw-up of all man kind? I do not understand why humans must always recreate history. They have always seemed to be well at that. But as to seeing that's not the point right now. The point is what will Miss Esther say to me? I can hear the words of a childish explanation in my head right now, but I fear she will never tell me what she meant.
"You can write something on paper, but only you know what feeling you wish to put into it. Only the writer knows what feeling you wanted to put into the words. Yes others can read the words, but they may not understand the words. They may not understand the words meaning, or they find it as pointless.", were the words she spoke. They seemed well beyond the level of comprehension of her. Far beyond anything I thought she understood. Seems I was wrong about many things.
Slowly the words sank into my mind as I closed my ice blue eyes. I repeated the words in my mind over and over till I understood them. Before, I thought nothing other then the fact that I am on a stony path, and I am alone on said path. They were also words written on a meaninglessness piece of paper. It was probably hidden on my desk somewhere, or it fouled it's way to the trash. The trash were one day all things go. Never to be bothered again. Never to be look upon or read once more. Lost in the world with no meaning.
Sometimes I wounder about the words that flout around in my mind. Do they really have a meaning, or are they pointless. Like the words on paper. Did any of them have a meaning. Only three came to my mind that could have a meaning. Three words that all humans have heard. After some more thought I also fouled that those words can hurt. Bring pain, and a small amount of hopelessness that are in this world. Three words that can bring pain and happiness. The one everyone strives for is happiness. I began to think about the words. Once said words cannot be taken back, so it came to mind that if I said them would they mean anything. Would my mind let me say the word my lips were to fearful to say? Once more my mind went to the blackness of thought. I seem to be falling into that a lot lately. Thought about all things. Even if I should keep up the habit of my sugary tea everyday. I kept my eye's closed hoping for the answer will pop out of no were. It never did, it never dose. My hung open a little as my thought process went on. My mind formed the words as my mouth refused to speck. It was going to force them out of me, so i just gave in to my desires.
"Miss Esther...", is how my mind made me start, "...I love you."
The words were strained and hard for me to get out. Some how they fouled there was out. I hated my mind. It had forced me to do something I didn't want to do yet again. I didn't want to hear what Miss Esther had to say. I didn't have any other thing to do, but put a hand over my mouth. MY mind still wondering how I could get myself out of this. It always did that to me. Make me do something, and ten leave me to finish what it started. I took a deep breath in from in between my fingers. My eyes wide from the shock. I could see that look on the nun's face. Pinkish red with a look of confusion. I didn't know what to say. Evey word my mind let me come up with would just make me dig the hole deeper. I closed my eyes, and took my hand from my mouth. Once more my mind being the conductor of the one man symphony that was my body. I would not let my body give in to my mind desires one more time.
The only hope in my mind is that she would tell me something, anything before my mind took over again. This I believe would not happen. Shock had take over her mind, and it was to foggy for her to think. Repeating the words over and over till they finally made any sense would just be to late.
The five feet that were between us closed faster then I could even breath. Before I could force my mind to change, my arms had wrapped around her tiny waist. Before I could force my body to move away from her, my lips connected with hers. The world spun as I held her in my arms. My lips pressing ageist hers. The siren that was going off in my head slowly shut itself off. My mind had won. There was nothing my body, heart, or even my lips could say to get me out of this. The world was a vortex of colors and confession as I let myself drift into the everlasting feeling of love and passion. It felt as tho it would never end. Tho I knew better. All things come to an end. May they be good or bad.
I could tell when this was over when I felt her arms try and push me off. My mind excepted this small movement. When it allowed me to move from her, I closed my eye's. I didn't know what was gonging to happen if I opened them. The certainty of some type of pain washed over me. The pain I had thought of earlier came to mind. Pain is something in this world I had gotten enough of. My heart knew better. Pain and darkness is what I just acted on, It is what the world acts on. I had just become another of the world. My mind was allowing me to keep my eye's closed, but it would not let me keep my mouth shut. It hung open just a bit, and you could hear my breaths as then came in and out. Each one slow. As if waiting for reply from Miss Esther's. I opened my eye's on my own accord and looked at her. My eye's held so much sadness as I looked into hers. Looking for any form of love. Any form that may lead to the happiness I had thought of after the pain.
Her reply came. After several minutes of waiting I heard the words that were so odd to hear. They were not the three words I had said, but four that she could could think of. "You think to much.", was all she said as she returned the gaze I had given her. My mind couldn't think of anything to say. My mind didn't want to think of anything to say as we moved closer. Closer and closer till my silver hair had tangled with her blood red. Closer and closer till our lips had crashed together one last time. Closer and closer till out hands had intertwined with each other. Closer and closer till we were the only ones standing in the world. Just the two of just thrown and twisted in our own passion. Just the two of us.