Teaching Edward about Lo-ove

Just another story I wrote while procrastinating my better fics.

Warning: None at all. Perhaps some irony.

Disclaimer: Twilight and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

I switched to another channel. Watching TV on a Saturday night is kind of pathetic, even more though, if you're a hundred and something year old immortal vampire. I sighed, only mentally of course. An evening alone, with my family gone out for hunting and my love gone to her mother for the weekend, can indeed be boring.

I changed to another channel again, not actually caring what was on, when I suddenly sensed someone entering our mansion. Without looking up or even hearing anything, I knew who it was.

"I'm here, living room," my statement was actually superfluous, as he of course knew my whereabouts, sensing them.

I could sense him approaching slowly, then sitting on the coach next to me.

I didn't look up but kept my eyes focused on the screen. I didn't actually watch, though.

"Edward, you're pathetic." He chuckled.

I turned my head and looked at his golden eyes, raising an eyebrow.

"I mean look at you! You look like a complete wreck, just because you're spending one night alone. You're definitely the most self-pitying immortal I've ever met," his lips curled up into a smile.

I kept a stern face.

"What are you doing here anyway?" I asked him, annoyed by his cheery smile.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Wasn't hungry anymore."

I tried to read his thoughts, tried to find out if there was something else he was hiding from me.

Jeez! Edward, why are you always that suspicious? Can't I come home and spend the evening with my dearest brother?

He grinned.

"Whatever," I muttered and turned my gaze towards the plasma TV again.

After some moments of silence I heard his thoughts very loud again.

How to begin? I should just tell him. Should just repeat what Rose said. Yet, it's not that easy. I have to find the right words. Must be careful so this doesn't sound too –

I spun my head round and glared at him. I would say my heart was beating faster that very instance if it was beating at all.

"What is it? What? What happened? Something wrong with Bella?"

I immediately sprang to my feet.

He rolled his eyes, which surprised me to no little extent.

Then he grabbed my arm and pulled my down to the sofa again, seating me, who had most certainly a very bewildered look on my face, next to him. He patted my knee, which made me raise an eyebrow again.

Edward, Edward, Edward. He mentally shook his head. Most pathetic vampire ever.

I looked at him intensely, eyebrows still raised.

He cleared his throat, for whatever reason.

"Okay, Edward. You're my little brother. And I love you."

I looked at his face and then at his hand still resting on my leg.

"And as I'm the older one – okay, technically speaking you're the older one – Whatever. Anyways, I'm like your older brother. I mean, I'm certainly more experienced in certain fields. – "

I wished I had not already my eyebrows to the line where my hair begins, raising them was the only proper reaction at that moment. So my mouth just dropped open.

Emmett just nodded and moved even closer, his one hand still on my knee, the other one now clapping my shoulder, or hugging me.

I would have shuddered if I wasn't already paralyzed.

"Edward," he addressed me in a firm voice, leaning closer. He looked me straight into the eyes before he continued: "Edward, you know when two people have strong feelings for each other, I mean, when they are in love, then, they may want to express, well, their mutual love in a more, well, stronger way. – "

I tried to jump to my feet and run out of the room as quick as I could. But I couldn't. His hug was really strong and he was pressing me down.

He kept looking at me and started again to speak in a firm but rather soothing voice. "And this way, I mean, the lo-ove," giving that last word a strange sound, "is a really important part of any relationship – I mean, not of any, certainly not of any – yet, what I'm trying to say is that lo-ove," again uttered with a very, very strange emphasis, "is something you must know about before you actually do it. And there are many sorts, or ways of lo-ove and it's good to know a few at least – 'cause you don't want to get bored, do you?" He chuckled and I only glared at him, my mouth still open I realized. I shut it and then opened it again to speak, while frowning:

"Emmett, what are you talking about? Are you, um, trying to, um, give me a speech on – ? – You know I've been through medical school twice! I'm not a six year old kid!"

Yeah, Mr. Knows-It-All went to medical school twice but is ashamed to speak out aloud the word sex.

I gasped again and then tried to look at him angrily. Of course, I wasn't ashamed to say – that word. Does he think I'm such a prude?

"Whatever, Edward," he said and rubbed my back. Yes, he rubbed my back with his large vampire hand. If I wasn't a virtually indestructible vampire myself, but a mere meek human, his touch would have crushed me, I was sure. Yet, as it was, it only made me shiver, mentally of course, as I don't freeze.

"You may know some things – "

I glared at him.

"– a few things you've read in books. Yet, there are other things that you don't learn from books." Unless you're reading the right sort of books or magazines that is. "So if you want your relationship to work properly, you should know a few more things about lo-ove" – Why did the way he uttered that word make me feel awkward? – "so that you and your partner are – satisfied with each other. It's really important, you know, if you have eternity before you. There are many nice things you can do with each other."

He suddenly grinned and I could see a mental image in his head of him and Rosalie –

I immediately closed my eyes, of course to no use.

Yeah, Rose likes to be a naughty girl. He mentally chuckled. And her little kink for handcuffs and –

I tried very hard to block out his thoughts, not at all keen on listening to my brother and his wife's over-healthy lo-ove life.

Oh, and she likes it when I –

I let out a scream – not sure if it was a mental or a real one and jumped up, super vampire strength enabling me to free myself from Emmett's firm grip, covered my ears with my hands and ran out of the room – out of the house, just to be safe.

The last thing I heard was Emmett's chuckle and something about a – I won't repeat that.

A/N If I have time and you want me to, I may continue this fic and let other people give Edward advice on his sex life, I mean lo-ove life.

Btw, if anyone else has done a fic like this before, let me know. There are so many stories in this fandom that I kind of lost track.