Author Notes:

There's this scene in King of Swords Arc where Tsuzuki asked Hisoka to go and check on Tsubaki-hime after she fainted in shock, saying: "This is a rare chance, kid! Got it?" (translation from sakura-crisis) This sprouts from there. ^^ It's my first attempt at a humor fic. *eeps* It turns out more like a PWP, though... since I basically sidestep all serious/angsty issues.

I'm using the style of the manga. Y'know, there are those spoken dialogues added in small fonts at the edge of the bubbles, to signify minor parts of the conversation. This will be the parts inside the brackets here. The ones within quotation marks are actually spoken, the ones without are sort of inserts, like what Matsushita-sensei does. Italics are character's thoughts.

Warning: shounen-ai.

Crash Course

..

.

"This is stupid! I don't see why I have to do this!"

Hisoka glares at Tsuzuki, his face all red.

"Hey, but you don't even know a thing about it! It's my duty to teach you! (I'm your partner after all.)"

Behind them, Gushoshin sighs. "Are you sure you have time for this? Tsuzuki-san. (Tatsumi will cut your pay.)"

"I'm doing just fine!" Hisoka crosses his arms in front of his chest, pouting.

"Noo, noo, you don't understand!" Tsuzuki insists. "Can't you see? Tsubaki-hime must have been acquainted with a lot of attractive boys. It won't do if you're so clueless in front of her!"

Hisoka grumbles something close to "I still don't see how I'm supposed to learn that from someone as old as you."

"Back to where we were!" Tsuzuki says cheerfully, sensing the mild resignation. "Girls are usually very subtle. They won't tell you exactly what they want."

Hisoka sighs. "I think she is pretty direct."

"Oh? How is it so?"

Hisoka blushes, because what he had in mind when he said that was when Tsubaki-hime kissed him.

"Eh? What is it?" Tsuzuki asks curiously.

"Nothing!"

"Aww, come on, Hisoka..."

Gushoshin, though just as curious, sweatdrops. "(Hey, shouldn't pry on other people's privacy like that.)"

"Hmmph."

"Weeell, okay then, if you're not telling," Tsuzuki pouts. "You're not helping with the learning process at all."

"I don't want to learn anything on the first place! You're the one who insists on teaching!"

"Why, you don't see how lucky you are," Tsuzuki cries. "While I'm stuck with being the perverted doctor's victim!"

"Not that having a kiss stolen is particularly good either!" (His male pride is hurt.)

Tsuzuki and Gushoshin go: "HUEEEE?"

Gyeh! Hisoka thinks, his face flaming up. My tongue slipped!

"Oh," Tsuzuki has this very smug grin on his face (like the one he had when he gloated over Hisoka's drunken state back in Nagasaki). "So that's what happened, heh."

Hisoka steadfastly avoids his partner's eyes, scolding himself.

"So how did it feel?" Tsuzuki pokes teasingly.

"Didn't feel like anything," Hisoka grunts. It is the truth. It has happened too fast for his empathy to react.

"Then this is the opportunity!" Tsuzuki claps his hands together suddenly. "You will return the kiss!"

Hisoka is dumbfounded. (Don't you have any shame?)

"It's improper, you know," Tsuzuki shakes a finger in front of Hisoka, "to have a girl kiss you first and not return it when you like her as well. She will be ashamed, she will think you look down on her for being aggressive."

Hisoka really doesn't think Tsubaki-hime is such a girl, but isn't able to protest. (His mind is still trying to cope with the prospect of kissing.)

"I bet you're clueless as to how it should go! Let big brother Tsuzuki teach you!"

"Gack! No!" (Who is big brother?!)

"Hey, hey, take it easy! It isn't shameful! Now let me find something to... nah, this cup will do. Hold this."

Hisoka takes the cup finally, speechless.

"Raise it up to your lips, like you're drinking from it."

Slightly blushing, Hisoka complies. (He is curious to know, in the end.)

"Nah! Stop there."

"Huh?"

"Your lips should be slightly open like that. Just slightly. Still touching the cup's edge. Engage her lips lightly, but keep the contact..."

How can he talk of such things so freely? Hisoka thinks. Old pervert.

"Got it?"

Hisoka stares at the cup and tries to imagine real lips. Tsubaki-hime's face, perhaps.

Urk.

No, it's definitely not working.

Tsuzuki watches the helpless expression on the boy's face, and grins.

"Ne, Hisoka, just go on instinct. You're way too serious with the cup."

"Shut up," Hisoka glares. He begins to regret ever giving in to this 'crash course on dating' as Tsuzuki terms it.

"Let's try another way then," Tsuzuki says, "How about--"

"Forget it. I'm not going to... to... kiss her." Even saying the word makes him embarrased now.

"Waah! (My effort is for nothing.) Don't give up so easily, Hisoka!"

Gushoshin snorts. "Really, Tsuzuki-san, what are you teaching to innocent teenagers like him!"

"I'm not a kid!" Hisoka protests, turning to Gushoshin.

"So you will do it!" Tsuzuki jumps on the opportunity.

"I don't have to do that to prove it!" Hisoka puts down the cup loudly. "You pervert!"

"Wha-- why am I the pervert?!" (Muraki! Muraki is!)

"If you're so excited why don't you go and kiss her then!"

"How mean! I'm only trying to help you!" Tsuzuki cries.

"Well, you're not helping," Hisoka gets up, ready to leave. "Besides, how do I even know if your advices are up-to-date or not! (Time has changed you know.)"

"I know how to handle this kind of thing!" Tsuzuki gets up as well, feeling insulted.

"Yeah, yeah, like how you handle the doctor."

"He doesn't count! I am trying to show you the normal way!"

"Uh-huh," Hisoka replies uninterestedly.

"Hey, if you put it that way then fine! I'll show you!"

"Hmmph. Go ahead."

"Okay. You said that." And Tsuzuki leans close on him.

"H-h-hey!" Hisoka blanches, and pulls away in panic. "What are you doing?"

Tsuzuki has Hisoka's sleeves in his hold. "Showing you how to kiss," he says innocently.

"Aren't you going to kiss her??"

"How can I possibly do that? If she misunderstands then..." Tsuzuki pulls him closer.

"S... stop this already! Tsuzuki!"

"Don't be shy! (You're not being cooperative as a co-demonstrator.) See, you can start by touching her cheek like this..."

Hisoka freezes.

"...letting her know what you're about to do. Then you slowly move closer..." Tsuzuki does just that, "... place your lips softly..."

Tsuzuki stops talking as his lips land on Hisoka's, engaging him in a soft kiss. Hisoka's eyes widens.

Then Tsuzuki pulls away slowly, smiling.

"Get it now?"

Hisoka's cheeks flare up.

"B-baka!"

(Punch.)

"O...owwww! What was that for!"

Hisoka stomps away.

Gushoshin has turned his back on them for some time. "(You really are so slow, Tsuzuki-san.)"

.

..

Author Notes:

That's shameless. I know. And I know nothing about cups and kissing techniques.