Winter - Part 1
At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral
They bury him on the day of the first snow. Heavy, white flakes fall from the sky as his casket is lowered into the ground. It is silent. The snow has swallowed all the noise, all signs of life, leaving an eery quiet. They stand in the biting cold, black foreign bodies in this white, strange world that does not make them feel like they belong in it today.
Rory looks over to her grandmother, standing straight in her dark coat, but looking so, so lost. Like this world will never make her feel like she belongs again, like the rope that tied her to her life has been ripped violently the moment his heart stopped beating and now she is just hanging on by threads, threads that are barely strong enough to hold her here, too weak to support her. Her grandmother catches her glance for a moment and Rory's heart clenches. The despair and grief her grandmother's eyes convey are almost unbearable. Rory wonders how she manages it, to stand here and to not let everyone see how shattered her heart must be. Tears run down Rory's face, leaving hot trails on her cheeks. The warmth feels unfamiliar, it doesn't fit into this cold, desolate world.
Her mother puts arm around her reassuringly, but Rory can feel her shake with silent sobs through the layers of their coats. It is unfair, she thinks, we weren't ready to lose him yet. We couldn't. We just can't.
She remembers what her mother said all those years ago, after seeing him in the hospital for the first time. He always used to look so tall. That is the way she wants to remember him, tall, upstanding, stoic, solid, sharp and witty and kind. This is the way she knows he'd want her to remember, not to dwell on the sickness, the pain. Cancer does not take its victims quietly and with dignity. It tries to break them first.
Today, when they lay to rest Richard Gilmore, he seems the tallest of them all. How else could it be that his absence has left such a giant hole in their lifes, their hearts?
She doesn't remember much of what happened at the wake. Her mind went blank when they finally left the graveyard, her mother and her gently leading her grandma in the direction of the car. She recalls fragments, checking on drinks and the food with the caterers, shaking distant relatives and friends' of her grandparents' hands, accepting condolences. Judging from the weird smell of her dress, Tatsy must have hugged her at some point, although she is not sure when that occured and she doesn't care.
Christopher was there. She does remember that. Her dad trying to console her, not quite knowing what to say to her, shuffling around akwardly, smelling of a glass of scotch or three and finally disappearing into the crowd again to keep some cousin of a cousin from saying more inappropriate things to Emily. She was glad he came and also kind of glad when he left. Moments like this always make her realize that even though he is her father, there is a rift between them, caused by his many years of only sporadic appearances in her life that will never be fully mended. She loves her dad, she really does, but the man who has been her real father figure growing up lies in the frosty ground now and has taken with him a feeling of safety she never felt with Christopher. He was never the one she could count on, and now, at 30 she still finds it hard to forgive that. He wants to be there for her and she appreciates it the way you appreciate a nice gesture. She has never learned to truly lean on him and now it seems like too much time has passed to allow for it. A part of her is saddened by that realization, but the sadness is only an after note to the grief she is feeling.
She is shaken from her thoughts when someone sits down on the sofa next to her. Lorelai looks worn and much, much older than she seemed a few weeks ago. Rory lays her head on her mother's shoulder like she used to when she was just a kid, and her mum absentmindly runs her fingers through her daughter's hair. " I am so glad you got into Chilton", Lorelai says some time later. Rory looks up at her mother in surprise. "Why are you thinking about Chilton right now?"
" Because if you hadn't, I would have never had to come back here...and I wouldn't have had a relationship with Dad at all. I mean, it was never easy with him and me, or with Mom, but to have missed it...to be here today and know him no less than all those people that told us how sorry they were for our loss, I would have regretted that for the rest of my life.", she admits, tearing up a little. "I am glad, too, then.", Rory replies thoughfully. " At least we had him for this big part of our lifes, right?". "Yeah, right.", Lorelai whispered.
"Mom?", Rory asks after a while, breaking the silence that has decended over them. "I am sorry that it was the first snow today. Of course it doesn't even matter...but the first snow was always something magical for us. Walking around the first snow always made us believe in good things yet to come. But now I will always think of this when it snows. I guess I am a little sad that is gone now.", her voice trails off.
"Oh honey, I would not be so sure about that", Lorelai squeezes Rory's arm affectionately. "I think maybe your grandpa was sending us a message. That there is still some magic left in this world for all of us, even though we might not feel like it today. Especially for you, sweetie.". Her mum smiles a little half-smile and for the first time since she picked up the phone a little over a week ago to hear her mother`s strangled voice tell her that there wasn't much time left now, the icy grip around her heart loosens up just a bit and she can feel a semblance of warmth. "I love you, Mom", Rory mumbles. "I love you, too, daughter of mine...and I think you should go home now. You haven't slept in days. I will stay with grandma tonight."
"Are you sure? I can stay if you need me to, I am okay, really.", Rory tries to reassure her mother. "No, it's fine, really. Please. Besides, I am not sure grandma can take you seeing her like this to be honest. She is rougher with me and I think that's what she'll need tonight."
Rory bites her lip before finally giving in to her mother's wishes. "Alright, but I will be back here first thing tomorrow morning." "Bye, honey, drive safe, okay?" "I promise", Rory says. On the way out she stops to say goodbye to her grandmother. Emily is sitting in Richard's study, a forlorn expression on her face. Then suddenly, her features twist in fury. She violently smashes her scotch glas (her grandmother usually hates scotch) onto the floor. "Damn it, Richard", she yells, "You promised me I'd get to go first! You promised. You promised", she cries. Lorelai appears by Rory's side, a concerned look on her face. " Go home", she whisperes. "She will be embarassed if you witness this. Please." "Okay". Rory turns to leave, her grandmother's cries following her on her way out. The last thing she hears her mother's soothing voice. " He fought as long as he could to stay with you, Mom. You know that." Then the door shuts behind her and the night swallows her.
It is past midnight when she finally passes the "Welcome to Stars Hollow" sign that no matter for how far or how long she is gone will forever fill her with the comfort of coming home, even if she does not feel like she belongs in this small town anymore, has given up the idea of coming back here permanently a while ago.
She drives past Luke's and is surprised to find the lights on in the apartment above. She has assumed Luke would be at her house, well his house now, his and her mom's, probably keeping busy by making them comfort food, though no one had an appetite for anything the last couple of days. She stops the car and is considering going in to talk to him, when she finally takes notice of the car parked outside the diner. It is not Luke's familiar truck, but a black, inconspicuous Subaro...if only it wasn't for the Pennsylvania licence plate.
She halfway expects him to be asleep in the backseat in his old leather jacket. It feels like a lifetime ago, and is has really been ten years. She wonders why he chose this day of all days to come back. Her heart picks up a beat or two, has suddenly been reminded that she is not the one who died, that she is alive and that she can never be calm and collected when it comes to the man behind that door. This time he hasn't come to tell me he loved me. At least that one is a certainty she can rely on. It has been almost three years since she last saw him. And she wants to see him now. There is this inexplicable rush, this rush of feeling anything but grief, the surprise that her curiosity and anticipation can overpower it even for just a short moment, that makes her unbuckle her seat belt and and get out of her car, grab the spare key from above the door and unlock it. She pushes open the door and hears footsteps on the staircase a second later. "Luke?", an unmistakable voice asks into the dark. "What are you doing back here?". He fumbles for something and she is momentarily blinded as the light bulbs flicker and come to light. When her eyes have adjusted to the brightness, she can see him staring at her from across the room, surprise clearly written on his face.
"Hey", he utters eventually. "Hey", she responds, nervously twisting her hands in her coat pockets. "What are you doing here?", she asks, as it becomes clear he hasn't intended to say much more on his own account. "Hanging out with Doula while Liz and TJ go to some sort of christening ceremony in Charlotte. Luke was supposed to do it, but well...They would have cancelled but apparently their lunatic friends decided they'd make perfect godparents for their twins. So here I am." "Okay..that's nice." "Yeah? You think so?", he grins. She almost smiles back.
Suddenly he is serious again. "I am really sorry about your grandfather, Rory. I just want you to know that.", he tells her. "Thanks", she mumbles, the weight of the day coming to rest on her shoulders again. "I think I should head home. I just wanted to say hi" "Alright, just wait for a second", he asks her and then quickly walks up the stairs. He reappears a moment later, holding a book in his hands. "I bookmarked a passage I thought you might appreciate", he said. She takes the book from him slowly. He leans down slightly to catch her gaze. Their eyes lock and for a second Rory is certain he is going to pull her to him, to hug her and to tell her she'll be okay. She desperately wants him to, wants the man who convinced her to see the error in her ways and go back to Yale to pull an even bigger act and somehow convince her that this is going to be okay as well.
He doesn't though, he instead settles for gently touching her arm, only for a moment. Then he lets go and she remembers that the man she was hoping to see only exists in her memories. Too much time has passed, too many years have gone by and really, they are barely more than strangers to each other now. What was she expecting?
So she leaves the diner, book in hand, gets in her car and goes home.
As she lies wide awake in her childhood bedroom at 3 am though, she can't resist. She takes the book he handed her earlier and opens it to the page he bookmarked. It is Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. She has read it many years ago. She whispers the words he has marked.
"Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there. It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so as long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away."
In the margins, in Jess's still familiar handwriting, it says:
Your grandfather left most of those things. Remember you have not lost all of him then.