We are very sorry to inform you that on January 14, 1973, at exactly 4:43 p.m., Greenwich Meantime, you were pranked by Mr. Prongs, Mr. Padfoot, Mr. Wormtail, and Mr. Moony. We feel as though we should apologize, so that, if this prank has offended you, you will not "gripe us out".
If you will recall, the fore-stated gentlemen above covered you in cream cheese. These are the same that filled your undergarments with hot chocolate and shrank your right arm. We have also switched your shampoo with green pudding, put superglue inside of your clothes, and put garlic clippings in your cologne.
If we have done anything to disturb, annoy, or provoke you, it was purely intentional. This letter's only purpose is to prevent your infuriated voice from driving us to a further degree of insanity than we are currently at.
Signed,
Mr. Moony Mr. Wormtail Mr. Padfoot Mr. Prongs