Author's note: Well, here's a semi-depressing drabble I had to get off my chest. I'm quite fond of it, actually. I think this genre is very fitting for my present character.
Looking Back, Looking Forward
His right hand around her left wrist. Her chubby arms, both of them useless against him, as useless as her futile attempts to change.
He couldn't be defeated. He felt confident in those words and took pride in proving their worth to everyone around him, be they friend or foe.
His eyes, shadowed by knitted brows, stared unwavering into hers. She shivered, he felt it in the hand that seized her wrist. Her lower lip trembled ever so slightly and he took pleasure in the feeling of superiority he was granted by the whole situation. She was weak, he was not. He still held the power, in more ways than one.
With a snap of his hand he could end her career as a ninja. He could break her wrist in enough places to make sure it never healed properly. Neji could singlehandedly cause the downfall of the Main House, an exhilarating thought that drove chills of excitement down his spine. Even for a person such as himself this was a rare opportunity and it would most likely never appear again.
He shouldn't be blamed for it. It was thanks to Destiny's interference that he was presented with this unique chance. Further more, as a shinobi, he would be a failure if he didn't destroy his opponent. Exams or not exams, reality or not reality, life was a serious ordeal to Hyuuga Neji. He should break her wrist.
He should break her.
He had lived for thirteen years and had during that time exceeded all expectations his kinsmen put on him. 'Looking back' was a term he was completely unfamiliar with and history held little or no importance to him. Only the things that made him stronger mattered.
All these things he knew, he based his life on them, yet she looked at him with those eyes. She looked at him with sympathy, with pity, like she knew what he'd been through.
She knew nothing. She was a spoiled daughter of the Main House, one of them. She'd been served everything on a silver plate since the very day she was born. How could she possibly know what his life was like? What could she possibly know of the emptiness that came with knowing your whole existence served only one purpose:
Protecting the ones he despised. Serving those who were born under more fortunate circumstances. Living for her sake, for the offspring of the man he hated.
Hate seethed through his veins like the blood itself. It strengthened him, made him feel more secure. Nothing had changed in his mind, his hatred and disgust were still present. The breaths that had been erratic and shallow for a few short moments eventually evened out as he regained composure and focus. Destiny, fate, was indeed a peculiar thing. One second it could hate you and curse you and in the next provide you with an easy way to salvation.
His grip tightened and she winced. Her eyes closed slowly and a part of Neji relaxed. Her eyes, so similar to his own, had caused him to lose control for the first time in years. It was strange how a failure, who would forever remain a failure, could have that effect on him.
The corner of his moth twitched upwards. He would make sure it never happened again.
-
Neji stirred in his sleep. The sheets surrounding him were tousled, wrinkled and soaked in sweat. Losing his breath suddenly, he sat up. The almost violent movement was replaced with a chaotic stillness; he tried to breathe, to suck in air, but his lungs weren't big enough – he felt like he'd explode each time he inhaled.
A long time had passed since he last dreamed of the first Chuunin Exams. The nightmares stopped haunting him a couple of years back when he finally felt like he'd gained Hinata's forgiveness. Stupidly, though, since he knew he'd had it all along but he needed to feel it and right now, after that dream, he missed that feeling like a child misses the warmth of their mother's embrace.
Subconsciously his hand reached out for the glass of water but his fingers trembled and the glass tipped over and created a miniature lake on the wooden floor. He threw one of his sheets on the puddle and turned over to lie on the side. His body was warm still and even without the blanket covering him the sweat wouldn't stop dripping.
But the windows in his room were all ajar and the night breeze soothing. In few minutes Neji was lost in a restless, shallow sleep.
-
"You are indeed a spoiled child from the Main family. People cannot change. A failure is a failure. Their personality and power will not change. People cannot change and that is why terms like 'elites' and 'failures' exist."
"People suffer due to their limits, and live. Just like how we can't change the fact that I am from the Branch family and you are from the Main family. My Byakugan has seen many things. That's why I know. You are just trying to be tough!"
-
Neji attended breakfast at the usual hour. The only outward sign of the bad night's sleep was the slightly paler shade of his skin but no one noticed, or at the very least no one commented on it. The members of the Branch family, the ones he shared the day's first meal with, ate their food without haste. Mornings were highly appreciated by the Hyuuga clan and the family members would all pay their respects and gratitude towards the new day and not make haste in vain, but treasure the fact that the sun once again decided to rise and grant them light. This was a tradition you took part in regardless of your descent; Main or Branch, a new day was a gift to them all.
Therefore Neji knew that his uncle and two younger cousins were sipping their tea in peace that moment just like he was.
The sun slowly rose higher over the horizon. Somewhere in the halls of the Branch House a bell rang six times. The day had officially arrived and the building appeared to come alive, like it did every day. The ones who were unable to participate in the morning ceremony, such as mothers with very young children, were now up and walking, calming the cries of their infants. One of Neji's older cousins walked by with a one-year-old on her shoulder. From her lips escaped a soft lullaby, the same his mother had sung to him while she was still alive and he was still a child.
"Go to sleep, my little prince,
as I turn off the lights.
Sleep here by the flowering quince,
and forget the fearful nights.
Go to sleep, you child who may,
Mommy's staying still.
Go to sleep, don't go away,
let's rest here on the hill."
The young mother sent Neji a smile from over her unclaimed shoulder and walked by slowly. The boy in her arms slept heavily on his mother's chest. It was the fate of many Hyuuga women to become young mothers, like Neji's own mother, and Hinata's. They were sorted out carefully from each new generation to make sure there were always enough women left to carry forth new wielders of Byakugan, in case the female ninjas in the clan were all to get lost in the depths of darkness, more commonly known as Death.
All members of Konoha's oldest noble clan were taught the basics of Jyuuken but not many qualified to make a living out of it. Branch family members were often designated to protect Main family members but that was as far as their duty stretched. Their skills would never be shown outside the compound. Neji could name several relatives who had never actually seen what was outside the walls of the Hyuuga buildings. Old people, crippled by age and on the brink of insanity from having their worlds ruthlessly minimized. Young ones, looking longingly at the gates, listening to the buzz emitting from town. Neji pitied them. From the bottom of his stoic heart he pitied them.
He was already done sipping his tea and left the china on the low table, knowing someone would eventually clean it up. Even in the Branch family there were ranks, people who survived as mere servants and those who were practically living with one foot in the Main house. Neji belonged to the latter category since a few years back, partly because of Hiashi's relation to Neji's father but mostly because of Hinata's friendship. Some would call it a one-sided relationship, a form of wish thinking on Hinata's behalf. Neji rarely displayed any affectionate actions towards the next clan leader, which clashed with Hinata's generous smiles and spontaneous gifts. Little things, like a single almond flower or a new shuriken. This was how she treated all of her friends, so even though some wanted to call their friendship bought, she made it impossible.
All in all, Hyuuga Hinata made it impossible to hate her. The few people who still didn't accept her all belonged to the oldest generations and neither had an important role to play in her future. Even the council had grudgingly agreed to let her remain heir, despite her obvious lack of natural talent as a ninja.
"She has Neji", some of them would say.
And she did. She had him. It had taken quite a while for Neji to grow accustomed to the idea of being someone she relied on. The heavy burden of knowing that if he wasn't strong enough then her days were counted. For many years he had grown stronger for his own sake, for his deceased father's sake, for his branch's sake, for his friends' sake but then yet another party had entered – now he also grew strong for her sake. Feverishly he had detested the arrangement and struggled until she one day told him that he didn't have to. That even though it was his duty, she expected nothing of that sort from him. She said she wanted him to be whoever he wished to be, to fight for whoever he wanted to fight for and to live life as freely as he could.
-
"Before we fight, let me warn you about one thing, Hinata-sama: give up. You are not suited to become a ninja."
"You seek harmony and avoid trouble. And you just go along and follow someone else's idea. And... You have no self-confidence. You always feel inferior."
-
It was raining. Heavy, heavy drops of water weighed down the leaves, the flower petals and the strands of grass on the ground. Branches creaked in agony while birds and insects fled the field to warmer, dryer places. To places where the sun might shine.
Through the thin walls it was easy to devote your sense of hearing to the pouring outside. Once accustomed to the even sound it was even easier to notice the disturbing elements. A conversation down the hallway, someone rummaging around the cabinet in the kitchen, presumably looking for something to pour tea in, the steps approaching her quarters. The cracking complaints from the floor boards when a foot pressed down against a particularly worn out spot.
The knocking on her door was hard to ignore, despite the calming rain and the fact that she was half asleep. Hinata rolled to the side before sitting up and folding her knees under her body.
"Come in", she called softly and kept her eyes on the sliding door as it parted from the wall and revealed the kneeling form of her cousin. "Neji-nii."
"My apologies, Hinata-sama. It is time for our practice."
Hinata's pale eyes observed his bowed head and humbly arched back. Long, brown tresses of hair had escaped the regular knot and were now boldly resting on his shoulders. She could tell he wanted nothing more than to pull them back into their intended fashion but he remained still, respectful.
"Sit up", she begged and smiled when his eyes met hers. This was how they interacted when other people were around to witness. When they were far away from the compound, Hinata would lose herself in relief and quietly, yet persistently for being Hinata, demand him to stop addressing her so formally. They were friends, cousins, not heir and protector. Not queen and servant.
He'd obey for a few hours but always retreated back into his shell around other family members. Today was different though. He was looking into her eyes like he was looking for something and unlike him, she wasn't gifted in reading expressions. She knew nothing of what he wordlessly asked from her that short minute.
"Neji-nii?"
"Forgive me for my rude behavior, Hinata-sama."
In his words she heard a silent plead and sighed while struggling to her feet and walking up to him. When he motioned to stand up as well she stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Their eyes connected and Hinata spoke slowly, intensely and honestly.
"I forgive you."
Both knew she wasn't talking about his inappropriate staring but Neji nodded his head in gratitude, tearing his gaze away from hers to stare at the floor.
"If you are ready we shall proceed to the training area now, Hinata-sama."
But she was already outside, far ahead of him, walking in her own pace to the spot where they usually commenced their sessions. Neji got up and looked at her as he proceeded to follow. He had once claimed that people did not change, that Destiny determined who they were and how strong they would grow. It had been some time since he realized how wrong he'd been. The young woman walking ahead of him was proof of that, he himself was proof of that. She, Hinata, was still nowhere near his level of muscular strength, she was far from as talented as many of her kinsmen but she had changed. On the inside, she had bloomed into a warm, secure and loving person who greatly differenced from the rest of the clan. She stuttered only occasionally and sure she would poke her fingers. Even today she would fidget when they trained and he charged at her, and her unique blush was ever present during moments of embarrassment but she had changed. She had grown.
"Neji", she called. He was falling behind and hurried to quicken his pace.
He was well aware that the man Hinata was looking at that moment was different from the one she'd fought against five years back. The eighteen years old Neji was not as stubborn nor as harsh. He was far from soft, nowhere near compassionate and it took a lot for him to sympathize with others but he had come a long way compared to his first year as teenager.
It were two transformed people who left the Hyuuga compound side by side. One of them was smiling on the outside with a confidence that was still developing, the other smiled on the inside to perhaps encourage the small ball of warmth he held within to grow warmer still.
-
"Hinata-sama, this is the difference in our unchangeable powers. It is the difference that separates the elites from the failures. This is the unchangeable reality: you were destined to regret this when you said you did not want to run away. You should be in despair right now. This is your last warning. Give up."
-
His face remained impassive as he watched her wobble to her feet after being thrown down. He patiently listened to her requests, "one more time", and granted her wish every single time until she lay bleeding on the ground, exhausted beyond words. Then he'd sit by her side and regard her as she caught her breath and rested peacefully among the daisies. Neither wished for his interference; this was something Hinata would have to deal with on her own.
What Neji admired in Hinata was her determination, not to be confused with simple stubbornness. In that aspect they were alike – both would stand up after falling, both would fight until unable. Neither would give up or surrender.
The rain had stopped falling, the clouds had stopped crying. A single wasp crossed the field where they were training, looking lost and confused.
"Neji-nii", Hinata mumbled, still struggling for air. "Do you think I can ever...become strong like you?"
He looked at her sharply. "No", was his reply before looking away. "Because your strength lies elsewhere."
She finally managed to sit up and rested her chin against her knees. The answer he gave her didn't bring her much satisfaction but she knew that was all she would get out of him.
"Let's return", he suggested but the tone of his voice made the words come out as an order.
Hinata wasn't sure when she'd started noticing the depth of his voice. It was unlike all other things she'd heard and when she looked at him, it didn't make sense. Such fair skin, such soft features yet such a hard, demanding tone. Not everything regarding Neji-nii made sense but she liked the veil of mystery he surrounded himself with. Sometimes she would look up at him and feel proud that he was her cousin and ally, that he was to her what he was to no one else in the world. The bond they shared was indeed one-of-a-kind.
-
"You're wrong, Neji-niisan. Because I can see, that you are suffering more than me ... You are the one who is confused and suffering inside the fate of the Main and Branch families."
-
Cursed be their eyes. Cursed be their Fate if this was what it all led up to. If this vision was what he would be seeing in his future dreams.
A foreign man's hand through her chest, her back pressed up against a rock. Her index finger and middle finger thrust into her opponents neck. Neji and the rest of the shinobi scattered around the place, dead bodies littering the ground as a foul smell dominated. The smell of blood oozing out of countless wounds.
"Hinata!"
She turned her face to him, the back of her head lazily resting against the cliff. Through her parted lips came a pained breath and then her lips quirked into a smile. She saw his despair, she saw his suffering. She wanted to comfort him, nothing had changed after all. He was still the man who couldn't save her, he was still the one who failed to protect her and sentenced her to death, yet she put none of the blame on him.
"It's all...all right", she whispered. "Are you hurting, Neji-nii?"
-
"It's over."
"There is no need to suffer. Let yourself go."
-
As the enemy fell to the ground in spasms, Neji appeared before her. He gently cradled her head and shared with her the warmth of his own body.
"Hang in there", he roared angrily. He would never forgive her for listening to the words he spoke so many years ago. "Don't give up. Stay with me!"
Hinata drifted. Into darkness, away from the light of his eyes. His were the brightest, brighter than hers and brighter than Hanabi's or Hiashi's. They shone with the light carried only by those who had accepted life and found a meaning in living.
Déjà vu. Hinata strongly remembered being through a similar situation, long ago. But the eyes she gazed into that time were not white, they were blue.
Naruto-kun. What had she said back then? He hadn't listened, hadn't heard her. She needed to know, she needed someone to answer her because deep in her heart her own approval still was not enough.
"Was I able to change... a little?" she asked once again, her breath coated with the smell of blood.
Neji's pupils, the parts of their eyes only kinsmen could detect, widened before thinning into small slits. It was the first time she saw him, heard him, crying.
"Neji...nii?"
"You were", he said and the smile returned to her face.
"I'm...glad."
Although her eyes were open the world she saw was nothing but a misty existence. A blurred face she knew belonged to her cousin and a voice that didn't reach her. The shadow that was his mouth moved but she couldn't hear him. The touch of his hand around her shoulders faded slowly but surely and her muscles tensed violently in objection to the feeling of hovering freely in the air. She felt a presence, someone calling to her from within. Not her name but his. Neji. Neji. Neji.
In a moment of sudden insight she realized it was her heart. The echo of her heartbeats, resonating his name. Therefore her lips synchronized with the calling of her heart, uttering the name of the very core of her life force.
"Neji."