Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Files, just borrowing! ;)
Spoilers – I guess it's fair game to say whole series and both movies.
I want to write more, just seeing if there is an interest for me to continue. Spelling and grammar may be bad. I am posting this pretty much right after it was written.
She stood there holding on to his hands. Feeling like there wasn't any other place on earth she should be. She had already decided to kiss him. She woke up that morning having made the decision she was going to kiss him seconds after her eyes opened.
"Scully what are you up too today besides checking up on me?" Mulder asked her with a grin.
"What if I told you being here with you, right now is the only place I want to be?" She replied
He looked back at her with a blank expression. "Are we about to have a serious discussion?" he asked
"I hope so" she said squeezing his hand.
"Well Is it a good discussion or a bad discussion?" He asked
"I hope it will be a good one, but I understand if things don't quite turn out how I was expecting." She replied. Her gaze drifting downward. "but I think now I sort of lost my confidence"
He let go of one of her hands. He tilted her chin up with three fingers. "What's up Scully?"
"Well Mulder, I ah…. I wanted to…. I am trying to…. Fuck! Why am I sounding like a mumbling moron here?" She exclaimed
He laughed. "Just tell me. No worries, no judgment from me." He said
She dropped his hand and turned away from him. "You don't understand Mulder. I planned this in my head for two fucking days and its not happening like I wanted it too." Irritation evident in her voice. She was so upset at herself. Did she presume too much when she purposely packed a bag that morning to leave in her car just in case things went how she wanted?
"Ok, lets go sit down. I'll make us some coffee" He said reclaiming her hand and leading her back to the house.
They got to the steps leading up to the house. She walked ahead of him. When she reached the third step he had yet to ascend the steps. She quickly turned around. They were eye to eye.
The intensity in her eyes surprised him. It rendered him speechless.
Her tongue darted out over her bottom lip. Oh well this it she thought. Here goes nothing. She quickly threaded her hand into his hair.
Before he even realized what was happening she was kissing him. He reached up and wove both of his hands into her hair and eagerly responded. Her tongue collided with his, he brought one of his hands down to cup her check. The kiss ended when they both had to break away for air. Instead of looking up at him she buried her head into his chest and started to cry.
He grabbed her by the arms and gently pulled her back so he could look in her eyes. "Ok, I am a little confused here." He said
"Mulder I miss you. I miss us. I miss you so much. It hurts to not be near you." She said. She started to cry again. He pulled her against his chest. He sank down to sit on the steps pulling her down sideways into his lap. He cradled her against him letting her cry into his chest. He rubbed her back. She continued. "I've gotten so used to spending so much time with you again and I go home every night and I'm all alone."
He closed his eyes as he listened to her. He rested his chin on top of her head. God did he miss her. "Scully look at me." He said.
She pulled back from his chest and looked up. Tears cascaded down her checks. He wiped them away with his thumbs and held her face in his hands. He leaned his forehead against hers. "You know you're still everything to me right? You are my whole world. My whole world. This past year I have failed you. In every sense of the word, I failed. I will make it up to you every day for the rest of my life. You are the love of my life." He said his voice cracking with emotion.
"Oh Mulder" she said starting to cry again. She wrapped her arms around his neck kissing him. "I love so much. You can't take all the blame. I caused a fair amount of it myself."
"Maybe we both have to stop hiding our pain and deal with it, stop letting it fester and build until it explodes. I didn't know how to tell you what was going on. I didn't know how to tell you what I was feeling. Hell even with my psychology degree I didn't understand. You're the only person in this world I can talk to, I never wanted to stop talking to you, it just happened. I don't want to point fingers and say I'm to blame for this and you're to blame for that. We have a lot to work. I don't want to focus on blame I want to focus on you and me and what we have."
"It was hard seeing you unravel. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't fix anything.
I had to leave because I thought leaving would make you fight again. I know it may seem cold and heartless of me to have done it. Christ even my brother Bill tells me that I was. The only way I felt I could reach you was to walk away. I was so fucking afraid all the time that I would come home and find you dead. I did that before Mulder, I can't do that again. I can't pick out another casket for you and plan your funeral again" she said. She felt his arms tighten around her.
He started to say "I know Scully. All the times something happened to you…."
"No Mulder, stop." She said getting up out of his lap. She stood up. She felt she needed to look him in the eye and not be in his arms when she said what she was about to say.
Mulder looked confused. He rose to his feet and reached out to her.
She took a step back. "Mulder you need to listen to me. There is no comparison. No comparison at all. You may have seen me hurt and near death, but I fucking saw you dead. I saw you laying in a casket, I watched your casket get lowered into the ground, I watched your casket get covered in dirt." Every time she said the word "Your" she taped his chest. "For three months I had to live with you being dead. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be mean when I say that you don't to compare, but you don't."
He didn't know what to say. He never ever thought of it like that before. He looked down and she could see his shoulders sag.
"I can't lose you again Mulder. I can't. When I'm not with you I feel like a huge piece of my heart is missing. It feels broken and incomplete." Tears were freely flowing down her face again "Now you are all that I have left and I can't lose you. My brother's both have families of their own, My Mom is gone now, You…, you Mulder, you are all that I have." She looked at him
He looked back at her not able to find the words. Not being able to say what he wanted, he looked at her. He looked at her and communicated the way they had always communicated best. She saw his eyes get brighter, saw him start to blink back tears.
"Oh Mulder" she said taking a step towards him. "We will be ok" Maybe she had said to much. She wrapped her arms around him. Pressing her face into his chest. The seconds she waited for his arms to wrap around her terrified her. Mulder having sensed her fear after he felt her body tense said "It's ok Scully, I'm listening, I'm just listening."