A/N I just wanted to show how Alec must have felt after what happened. Maybe OOC because he's never been expressive of his feelings, but maybe he was just desperate.
Dear Magnus,
Hi. It's been awhile, I know. And I'm no better at expressing my feelings through writing than in person, but I'm doing it anyway.
I miss you as hell, and it's beating the shit out of me. I don't know what to do to prevent myself from breaking down every time I think of you, and lately that's all the time. I know all of this is my fault, and you had every right to be mad (and remain so). You deserve someone better who would love you unconditionally without pretenses, but the problem is for as long as I live I won't be able to stand seeing someone take my place. I know I hurt you badly when you did nothing to deserve it, but God, Magnus, I didn't ever want to. Of all the people I loved that I hurt, it's you I regret hurting the most.
You need to know the truth. Maybe I don't have the right to shorten your life, but I don't have the right to die and leave you forever, either. That's more than I can bear. So I had to try. I just thought that if you saw through my desperation maybe you'd understand why I considered it. Of course that's a lot from you to ask, but I've literally got nothing to lose now that I've lost you. I'm not hoping for this letter to change your mind about breaking up with me. I just hope you'd think about... maybe forgiving me. It's a long shot that I'm taking for you.
Maybe I never told you this, and after what happened maybe you would never know, so I am telling you right now. You changed me, you changed everything. And for the first time in my life I was happy. It was pleasantly surprising, never knowing before that I could be capable of that, and you showed me that I was. It's all because of you. It's all because of you that now every time I come face-to-face with death I dread dying more than I ever did, because I'm afraid to leave you. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave this world without you. Maybe that's why. It's something that will haunt me until this all ends. It's what I'm most afraid of, to the point that I forgot about how you felt. I never stopped caring, but I did forget. My mistake was that I let fear overtake me, once again. After having something so good, something to call my own, I became very afraid of the thought of it leaving my grasp. If I die in the hands of a demon, it will be rightfully served. But I hope not, because then Heaven would be waiting for me and I don't deserve it. I don't even need it. I don't want it because you won't be there.
Lastly, I love you. I love you more than I had ever loved anyone my whole life. It may be insignificant in comparison, Magnus, but I love you with all that I have and everything I am. And I will love you even after my heart stops beating.
It was good. It was beautiful. I miss you, and I miss all of it.
Alec