Author's Note: Inspired by a Do's and Dont's manual for handling alien artefacts, found originally on the Torchwood website. You can find it now, if you like, by Googling "Torchwood Ianto's Desktop". It's all stored on a very useful LiveJournal community. This particular manual can be found in the entry for the episode "Everything Changes". "Bad Umbrella" was just too good a codeword, I had to use it for myself somehow.


DON'T

- LEAVE OBJECTS on public transport by mistake. In the event of this occurring, contact the lost property office at once, using the codeword "Bad Umbrella".

Ianto looked up from the paper he was reading when Jack opened the door to the Tourist Center. "Captain," he said, by way of greeting, smirking at Jack's exhausted expression. "Gwen said that you might be arriving back a bit late."

Jack said nothing, scowling. Ianto smiled sunnily in response. "She said she hoped you managed to go to hell somewhere along the way, actually. You know, it's best not to mock Rhys when Gwen has the keys to the SUV. Have you not learned that lesson yet?"

"Apparently not." Jack leaned backwards against the counter, looking over his shoulder at Ianto.

"How far was it this time?" Ianto turned the page of his paper, feigning disinterest.

"Ten miles. I took the bus."

Ianto smirked. "How proletarian."

Jack sighed. "Speaking of public transport."

Ianto looked up at him. "What is it this time?"

Jack cut a guilty smile in Ianto's direction. "Maybe you should call the lost property office. Just for old times' sake. Maybe casually mention a bad umbrella."

Ianto put his face in his hand. "I hate you." He was already reaching for the phone. "What was the object?"

"You'll like this, I promise." He turned around against the counter to face Ianto. "We got there and there was a baby holding it."

Ianto's mouth dropped open in horror. "What?"

"A baby. Just playing with it. Chewing on it, even. The mother just sitting on a bench, reading a romance novel."

Ianto just stared at Jack, waiting.

"So we went up to him – just a baby sitting in a sandbox – and took the thing from him. And he started to cry. So the mother ran over and started yelling at me, while Gwen scanned the thing for radiation levels and everything, to make sure the kid wasn't hurt." He paused, catching Ianto's expression. "It was fine," he added. "Anyway, turns out the thing was a message, relaying emotion. It must have fallen through the rift and set off the activity detector on its way to whoever was supposed to receive it. So the kid found it in the sand, and it made him happy. I gave it to the mother and she stopped yelling at me." He paused again, thinking. "It occurs to me now that I should have made Gwen hold it before she ran off with the SUV. Anyway, I had it in my pocket when I got on the bus. And now I kind of don't."

"So now there's an alien message riding around on a bus in Cardiff?"

"It's better than that. The message works by relay. Anyone who comes in contact with it is able to pass the message on to anyone they come in contact with, and so on."

Ianto sighed. "So right now, in Cardiff, there is a renegade bus driving around, whose passengers, when the bus is stopped at traffic lights, lean out of the windows and offer flowers and hugs to passers-by. Yes?"

"I love how when I say 'happy' and 'bus' you jump right to the sixties."

"I still hate you." Ianto had the phone cradled between his shoulder and ear. "But at least they aren't ripping each others' throats out."

Jack smiled. "There, see? Not the end of the world."

Ianto was dialing a number. "Stop leaving alien artefacts on public transport."

"Noted." Jack tipped him a wink, then pushed the button for the hidden door and left.

Ianto watched him go, a smile slowly stretching itself across his face.

"Yes, hello. Terribly sorry about this. Bad Umbrella."