The Life and Times of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: A look inside the diary of everyone's favorite not-so-evil villain.

Author's Note: I do not own Phineas and Ferb. All I own is Doofenshmirtz's diary and the official Fanfiction-writer-inator.

Dear Diary,

Hello, my name is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz and I am an evil genius. I am telling you this because I feel a formal introduction is in order. I purchased you because Vanessa suggested a better use of my free time instead of committing mild acts of mayhem around the Tri-state area. Oh, that reminds me, I tripped my 75th innocent citizen today! I celebrated with an extra scoop of vanilla ice cream after dinner.

But anyway, I'm not working on a big evil scheme at the moment, so I decided to start keeping a diary. I had a diary back in Druelselstein, but the day I bought it was the day of the annual paper airplane contest and people kept tearing out the blank pages to compete with. All that was left of my poor diary was a book with two pages on it, and those were the ones that baby brother Roger used for his eating bib. You know, baby Roger was a very messy eater. He still is.

But getting back to the point, I live nowhere near messy babies or paper airplane contests, so I figure this is a good time to restart this whole diary thing. Well, anyway, I've got to go now because this lousy pen is making my hand cramp up. Curse these crazy new pen designs; whose bright idea was it to make pens two inches tall and four inches wide?

Talk to you soon,

Dr. D

Dear Diary,

Today was one of those weird summer rainy days, so I couldn't go out and spread evil around the Tri-state area like I usually do. I considered robbing all those convenience stores of their umbrellas, but that would mean going out into the rain, and, well, Perry the Platypus ruined my last one. Before I forget, I need to explain Perry the Platypus.

He's my arch-nemesis; they comes with being evil. If you have an arch-nemesis, you really are evil, which has really helped out my self-esteem. The only thing is, he's a platypus! I thought those silly-looking mammals "didn't do much," but he always thwarts my evil plans! It is so embarrassing attending Evil-Con and hearing that my colleagues have defeated their eagle enemies or their angry ladybug enemies, while I'm sitting there flashbacking about being defeated by that dull semi-aquatic mammal!

It's a very frustrating prospect, but I figure, hey, at least I have an arch-nemesis, right? He's actually a very friendly animal, if you get to know him. But of course, being evil, I never try to get to know him. Still, the rain was dampening my evil glee and I was feeling lonely so I invited him over for some tea and cookies. I'm glad that I gave him the spare key to my apartment a couple weeks ago because it really was getting very tiresome to keep explaining to my landlord that a platypus smashed my door open or burst through the ceiling or something crazy-sounding like that. I have enough people thinking I'm nuts already.

Anyway, I'd sent off the video invite to Major Monogram to show Agent P, and within fifteen minutes or so, he'd shown up at my door. He looked at me suspiciously but I told him not to worry, I wasn't up to any evil scheme today. So we sat and enjoyed the tea and cookies while we talked about what was going on in our lives at the time.

I told him about my new diary hobby and I think he did some weird platypus laugh but I couldn't be sure. Soon, however, he had to leave so I bid him farewell and escorted him out. Then I was in the mood for some evil, but with the rain still going on, I couldn't do any evil deeds. I did, however, sit in front of my window and watch the people going to and from office buildings and grocery stores screaming and trying to run from the rain. It was quite enjoyable, even if I wasn't the one causing their misery.

Well, I must go to bed now. Hope the rain stops by tomorrow so I can continue with my usual evil deeds.

Dr. D.

P.S. I got a new pen today, which is why I was able to write longer. I'm selling my old stubby one on the internet so some other person can have hand cramps instead of me! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!

How did you like it? Sorry it was so short; I'll try to make it longer next time. Please review! Right there…. That review button down there. Click it and tell me what you thought of this chapter, or what you'd like to see Dr. Doofenshmirtz do in the next few installments. Also, please check out my profile for more stories! Thanks!

~ simply-dazzling001 ~