Title: Five times the Gate translation system didn't work properly
Author: Shenandoah Risu
Rating: PG-13
Content Flags: a little innuendo
Spoilers: SGU late season 1
Characters: Hunter Riley and the Destiny Crew
Author's Notes: Written for prompt set #114 at the LJ Comm sg1_five_things. The gate doesn't just translate languages. It also translates matter - sometimes with mixed results.
Disclaimer: I don't own SGU. I wouldn't know what to do with it. Now, Young... Young I'd know what to do with. ;-)
Thanks for reading! Feedback = Love. ;-)

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Five times the Gate translation system didn't work properly

Nobody appreciates a Gate Tech. To the uninformed observer all they do is call out a series of codes: chevron 1 encoded, chevron 2 encoded, blah blah blah…

Nobody understands the complexities of Gate coding that are behind these simple call-outs, and nobody cares – until something goes wrong.

My name is Hunter Riley, and I have seen my fair share of Gate snafus.

Still, most of them don't measure up with those I had to deal with while working on the oldest and crankiest Stargate of them all: the Destiny Gate.

Day 57

It was a routine mission (and don't they all start out as routine missions) to gather food and water for everyone on board. The last ones through were Dr. Lisa Park and Msgt. Ronald Greer who had to be dragged out from behind some bushes after they were done gathering what looked like acorn squash. They came stumbling through the Gate somewhat disheveled and stopped dead in their tracks, and it took everyone a while to realize that the two of them had inadvertently switched bodies. After the initial shock they dashed to the bathrooms, ostensibly to freshen up, but I knew all too well that they did – um – something completely different. I gave them about 15 minutes and then I sent Lt. James after them who forced them back through the Gate at gunpoint and returned with them in their proper bodies immediately after.

Note to self: Put up a sign near the Gate reminding people to refrain from having sex immediately before Gate travel. The Gate might get confused about mixed DNA traces.

Day 124

It was another routine mission, and after the team had stepped back through onto Destiny they simply kept coming! A few minutes later we had 12 Rushes, 8 Volkers, 27 Brodys, 5 Elis, 19 Vanessas and 15 Chloes. The Rushes started arguing right away, the Volkers screamed hysterically, the Brodys wandered off to fix some stuff, the Elis geeked out over some kino footage, the Vanessas had some noisy target practice down a hallway and the Chloes did synchronized yoga in the Gate Room. I had to mobilize all the non-duplicated personnel to round up the clones and send them all back through. They re-dialed, and thankfully, only one of each came back through (although, personally, I think we should have kept all the Brodys).

Note to self: Write new Gate subroutine for A1 = A2, whereas A1 = number of people entering the Gate and A2 = number of people exiting the Gate.

Day 249

After another – mission the team stepped through and they all looked like they'd escaped from some crazy retirement home. Greer had this enormous white afro and Colonel Young needed two guns as crutches to get around. Ms Wray's hair was down to her knees and Lt Scott looked like he was suffering from some pretty severe arthritis. We packed them all onto one of Eli's kino sleds and gave them some bingo chips to play with while I chased down the program dealing with age adjustments. We had to shuttle them back and forth 7 times before they were back to their normal age.

Note to self: double-check the age-stabilizer screen before transit and make sure all the values are at acceptable levels. No cheating, either, because you can't take it with you – what little sense you might have now you won't have yet at age 17. And seriously – who wants a ship full of teenagers?

Day 302

Despite my misgivings Lt. Johansen insisted on continuing her travels through the Gate during her pregnancy. Today she came back skinny as a whippet, grasping her stomach in confusion, and then Darren Becker came through, looking like he'd just eaten an elephant drumstick. He complained about a fierce backache and complimented TJ on her strength, saying he had no idea how she managed to lug this big tummy around. TJ was near tears while Darren wailed for pickles and ice cream, so I had to work fast to send them both back through while I located the app that should have linked in-utero life signs to the attached XX chromosome container, i.e. the mother.

Note to self: make sure pregnant crew members stay on Destiny, and if they really must travel move the life signs screen to the top layer and keep a finger on it. Although, Darren would have made quite a cute mom.

Day 391

OK, so there really is no such thing as a routine mission. Today the team members returned screaming at the top of their lungs the moment they stepped through the Gate. I saw immediately that something was seriously wrong: Eli wore Volker's clothes, Lisa wore Eli's red t-shirt and baggy britches, Volker could barely breathe in Lisa's tiny cardigan, Chloe was drowning in Brody's white shirt, Eli looked like a sausage in Chloe's pants and so on – it was complete and utter chaos. They all started stripping down to their birthday suits right there in the Gate Room (and boy, did Dr. Rush's eyes EVER bug out) and major mayhem ensued as everyone was trying to find their own underwear, socks, shoes and other clothing. It was like some big frat party, only with (mostly) grown-ups.

Note to self: Write a new subroutine that will REALLY swap people's clothes. After the heart attack they nearly gave me while I tried to figure out what the hell had caused this, and they were all cracking up next to me, I'm SOOO going to get back at them.

NEVER EVER mess with your Gate Tech. The consequences could be a little embarrassing for you. You have been warned.

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Thanks for reading! A comment or feedback would be much appreciated. :)

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