The Silent

It was wet and stormy outside tonight and I'm sat by the window; staring out into the ocean as the storm gets worse. I didn't like the storm but every since he came into my life; he made me not fear them, he made me not fear anything and he most certainly made me a stronger person but today and tonight, I just sit here wondering what went wrong today.

I let the tears slowly slip down my face; I didn't know what else to do really apart from cry and hug myself…I had the radio playing, quietly but it was just making me cry so I turned it off. I didn't want to hear him sing songs about love or friendship or relationship, locking my feelings away and not showing any emotions in front of him was the only thing that made me weaker.

There is no such thing as perfect relationship or friendship; I and him were way off from being that but he never did let me down, he never brought me down to my lowest point and he never made feel like I didn't belong in his life. If anything, I made him happy that I was part of his life but for the last few weeks, things between us weren't the same as before. I don't know what I did wrong; he barely looks at me now, he never makes me feel wanted, he never comes home early anymore and he never touches me anymore.

Tears will continue to fall till his gets home but I got a feeling he isn't coming home tonight.

It's raining, windy and stormy outside; I might not be looking directly at it but I could hear it on the roof coming down, I know she would be sat by the window, staring out at it…She never did like the storm until I taught her that she had nothing to be afraid of when I'm around and when I'm in her life. But I'm just wondering where it all went wrong today.

I tried not to cry but I slowly let the tears fall down my face; I don't normally cry but for her, I do but that's because she makes me weak to my knees…I'm sat here just staring at paper and wondering what to write down, I had my guitar led against the wall doing nothing but staring at me. I wondered what she would be doing at home; probably playing the radio but then when times were like this, she wouldn't want to hear me singing love, friendship or relationship songs so she would turn it off and sit in the silent.

My friendship and relationship with her were never perfect; believe me, were far from that…We would never be afraid to shout at each other, never be afraid to be abusive, never be afraid to make-love anywhere or show our affection towards each other. She never brought me down, she never made me feel like I was alone, she never made me be my lowest point in life and she never made me feel like I didn't belong in her life. But for the last few weeks; I haven't been myself and she could tell because I wouldn't be home on time, I barely see her now, I make her feel unwanted and I never touch her unless were out in public, I would put my arm around her or hold her hand but it wouldn't be for long.

Her tears will continued to fall till I get home tonight but I don't quite know if I'm going home.

Was it all over now? Was that it? Was that our last argument? Was that going to be a divorce? Was he going to finally give up?

I didn't know because it's only been a few hours since he walked out of them front doors after our fight. I wish I hadn't said the things I said because none of it was true; the truth is I do love him, I do rely on him, I do treasure everything that I have with him and I do smile a lot with him but that's because he makes me happy, he makes me alive and he makes me feel wanted.

After everything we went through; I don't know what I would be now if I didn't have him, he pulled me through the cracks of my failed abusive relationship, 8 years ago…It was him that saved me from being beaten to death by my ex-boyfriend and I always said I don't know how I would thank him for it. We got him jailed up for it all; I ended up being with my friend who got me out of that relationship, I ended up falling in love with him, I ended up marrying him and we were trying for a family but that all changed and I don't know why.

If I could have anything right now; it would be that I was in his strong arms, him protecting me from the bad world out there but I know for some reason he wasn't going to come home.

Was it all over now? Was that it for us? Was that going to be the last time I see her? Was that going to be a divorce? Was she finally going to give up?

I don't know anything because it's only been a few hours since I stormed out of that house; leaving her in tears. I wanted to turn back and wrap my arms around her but I drove off, I first ended up at the studio but now I'm here making-love to one of my ex-girlfriend. I just closed my eyes; thinking about what I've been through with my wife, I got her out of an abusive relationship with her ex-boyfriend who has now been locked up for what he did to her. I was so angry, I beat the bloke myself but she doesn't know what I did to him.

I did everything for this girl; she was everything I wanted, she made life make sense for me but was our relationship basic on lies, cheat and secrets? I know she loves me because she married me and she wanted to make a family with me but that all changed and I don't understand why.

If I could have anything right now; I would wish myself away from my ex-girlfriend who sucking my cock and run back to my wife who crying her eyes out but for some reason, she probably wouldn't want me to come home.

Tearing myself away from that window; I went to make myself a hot chocolate…This was the trick to get me to sleep after having a bad day but for some reason it wasn't working.

I'm just stood at the kitchen bar; wondering what he doing now…Is he at the studio? Is he at one of his brothers' house? Is he at his parents' house? Or even worse, is he at an ex-girlfriend house?

I know he a cheat because he cheated on all his ex-girlfriends with me so I know he a cheat but I didn't want to think that maybe he is at an ex-girlfriends house but at least I would know that it over between us. I wouldn't take him back if he cheated on me but would he tell me? He not even back yet and I think this is the longest we gone; he not coming back, I'm not stupid.

I looked at my ex-girlfriend eyes; she led me to the bedroom, as we slowly walk towards the bedroom, I just think about what I'm doing…Do I really want this? Or am I just angry and hurt about my argument with my wife? We get to the bedroom and she pushes me down onto the bed and she starts stripping down till she got nothing on.

I watched her move towards me; she takes my t-shirt off and throws it somewhere in the room, she then crawls on top of me…Letting our lips meet; I kiss her hungrily and then roll us over so that I'm on top but as soon as I'm on top, I get off her and sit up straight on the bed.

What the hell am I doing? I have a wife who is perfect. I can't cheat on her, I tried to but I always pulled away right before the sex but I felt my ex-girlfriend wrap her arms around me and kiss my neck but I just push her away roughly and get myself dressed. I turn to look at her and shake my head. I left the room and stormed out of the house.

Into the rain I go…I drove with tears streaming down my face; I manage to get to my brother house, I knocked on the door and his wife answered…She let me in and sat me down on the sofa where my brother came in and wrapped his arms around me as I cried into his shoulders.

They both knew things were bad and they both knew why but I and her couldn't, we denied it, we ignored it and we continued the marriage.

My tears are really falling down my face now; I know where he had been…I just had a phone call from his brother, he told me everything.

I can't believe he was about to do this to me after everything I had been through with my ex-boyfriend. I got up and went to the bedroom; I watched the storm from the bedroom while I packed my suitcases...I saw the picture that stood on the nightstand.

That was the happiest day of our life…We were finally about to start our family.

I broke more tears down my face and threw the picture across the room; I couldn't bare the thought of looking at him now. Just how could he do this to me? Was it my fault our baby died? Was our relationship going to fast for him?

I hardly doubt it because we waited 4 years after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend before marrying him and making a family.

I had gone into labor; a year ago, he was there holding my hand and he wasn't letting go but I finally gave birth to our beautiful baby girl but she died 10 hours after being born. He didn't cry. I didn't cry but it because awfully quiet in the house, he torn the nursery out and threw it all away before I got home. It broke my heart because I was never going to be able to hold that baby girl.

Six weeks ago; I stood by the window in our bedroom after having sex with him, roughly…I had miscarried our second baby. He blames himself. I blame myself for not knowing. But we denied that we had lost anything, we ignored it and continued what was left of this marriage.

I heard my brother and wife; muttering in the background…I knew he had phoned my wife and told her what I told him. I told him to ring her and tell her to get out of the house; she doesn't deserve any of this…I nearly cheated on, no I did cheat on her by letting my ex-girlfriend suck my cock, I licked her out and kissed her with passion.

She didn't deserve it at all.

I see the picture that my brother and wife have of me and my wife; I stood up and went to take it off the wall…I look deeply into her sad eyes, we had just found that we were about to have our first baby but that all changed because when my wife went into labor…The baby girl died 10 hours after being born. It really did tear my heart out but I didn't cry and either did my wife; we knew her heart was weak, we knew she would probably die.

I had gone home the day she died to tear the nursery out before my wife got home; she had been through enough and I didn't want her having anymore pain but I knew it didn't help. The house became awfully quiet…I had tried to comfort her but our marriage just got silently violent because instead of making sweet love…We would have rough sex but about 6 weeks ago, we were arguing and I hurt her badly.

She miscarried our second baby.

We didn't cry. We didn't talk. We didn't touch each other. We didn't want each other company until today…We finally broke the silent and argued it out.

She told me exactly what I was doing to her. I told her exactly what she was doing to me. We both broke down in tears.

A year later…

The divorce was finalized. He gave me everything I wanted but I gave it back knowing I wanted nothing of him. Our marriage failed because of his stupidity.

I cried at our divorce.

But I didn't cry for the two babies we lost.

That was a silent cry.

But after everything; I still love him.

I wrote in this book for him "I still love you Nate Gray"

But that night; he came round and we made sweet love. It was perfect.

The divorce was finalized. I gave her everything I had but she gave it all back but I knew she would do that because she didn't want anything of me. Our marriage failed because of my stupidity.

I cried at our divorce.

But I silently cried for the babies we lost.

But after everything; I still love her.

She wrote in my song book "I still love you Nate Gray"

But my answer was to go round to her apartment and I made sweet love to her. It was perfect.

Sorry it not a happy ending but please review.