only human
A/N: for shaybae, because i love her. :3
trigger warning that there are a bit of dark themes (namely self-harm) in this fic. the rest of the prompts are located at the bottom. thanks so much to sophy for betaing! :3
words - 1,438
Theo stared at the dark ceiling, clutching the knife he was holding like a lifeline.
He wondered if he really deserved this fate, but then his mind had always told him that he did, and that would be the end of the battle.
The cold air wrapped around Theo, and he knew with a feeling of dread that they had arrived at his cell. They, with the sadness they brought. They, with the lost hope. They, with flashing memories of him joining the Death Eaters, of him killing people he didn't want to kill at all.
They circled him, feasting on his memories, leaving him curled up in a ball in the middle of his cell, sobbing. And when the creatures finally left him, he knew he couldn't let himself off that easily. His hands were shaking. He didn't want to do this, but he knew he had to.
He took the knife that he was holding and made a small cut on his arm. That cut would end up joining one of many. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he also knew that he had to cause himself pain somehow.
He was told that he only needed to be here for a year. He disagreed. He thought he needed to be locked up for eternity. He was supposed to have been locked up for eternity, but people were able to convince the Minister that only a year would be sufficient.
It was more than he could ever deserve.
Blaise would always come visit him. He would reach between the bars of his cell and grab Theo's cold and pale hands. Theo would revel in the warmth, but he would also know that he didn't deserve it at all.
(He needed Blaise to move on, for both their sakes.)
Theo wanted to believe Blaise when he said it would all be over soon, that he should forgive himself; really, he did, but he didn't see the point of starting anew. When he left Azkaban, his name would be worth mud. Everyone would look upon him with the hatred that he deserved to be given. Then even worse, Blaise would get hatred for sticking with him. Nobody would bother hiring him despite his Outstanding grades in every single subject, because of what he had been forced to do for the sake of his family.
A part of him wished the prejudice would stop. Another part of him knew that himself, and only him, was to blame for where he had ended up. And until he could bring himself to listen to Blaise and believe that none of this was his fault, the cuts on his arms would never fade.
If there was one thing Blaise hated more than anything else, it was the so-called light side.
He was furious at what had been done to Theo. After the war, the Ministry had gone crazy with the amount of arrests they made. Even lowering his lover's sentence down to a year took work, and it involved going as low as to beg Harry Potter to help him.
While Blaise knew he should be grateful when the sentence was lowered, it still wasn't enough. It was nowhere near enough. Blaise would have rather endured the Cruciatus Curse, five times, rather than go through that year again.
As the year dragged on, Blaise went back to Hogwarts, but he was forced to watch as Theo slowly deteriorated due to the conditions of Azkaban.
It wasn't just Azkaban, though. You see, Blaise had known Theo for years.
Blaise knew that Theo was just the type of person to blame himself for something that he had no choice in doing. And the fact that he couldn't be there to at least offer a pillar of support angered him to no end. During the three years they were together, Theo had been the one to lift Blaise up from a fall, but was also the one to also bring himself down in the process.
The frustration showed in his marks. He was no longer in the top five of his class.
Draco was concerned about him. He tried assuring Blaise that everything would be fine when the year was up, but that didn't help him at all.
During Hogsmeade visits, Blaise would make arrangements to go to Azkaban and visit Theo. Theo, who was once the yang to his yin, was now a shell of his former self. He didn't talk much to Blaise during his visits, instead preferring to hold Blaise's hand.
Theo's hands were always so cold, Blaise had noted. Both of them had talked about the future, during one of Blaise's visits. And honestly, even if Theo got out in a year, what became of his future?
(Blaise hated the light side because their minds failed to see past a Dark Mark.)
Blaise also had suspicions that the love of his life was doing things to himself that he shouldn't be doing, and it was all because the light had such narrow minds. Yes, Theo joined the Death Eaters. Yes, he committed crimes. Yes, he was forced to kill human life. But couldn't people realize that he had had no choice in the matter?
His anger and concern all wrapped up into a ball caused him to blank on half of his NEWTs. And he hated himself for it. Theo needed Blaise so that they can do their best to live in a world that was against them.
(Instead he just ruined both their futures.)
It had been a week since Theo was let out of Azkaban, and he already felt like he didn't belong. He wanted to go back there.
He felt like a burden. When he left the prison, he found out that the Ministry had demolished his home upon the arrest of his father. Blaise ended up letting him stay in Zabini Mansion, insisting that nobody kept him company there anyways.
It didn't matter much to Theo. What mattered was that the man he loved was sacrificing things for him, and it was all his fault.
(He had no idea how he was going to forgive himself).
He hadn't gone outside much ever since he left the prison, because when he once did, with Blaise, the sheer amount of death glares he would receive made him feel terrible all over again.
He had told himself that the emotions he had must be kept in. He didn't want to worry Blaise more. So one night when the tears cascaded down, he cast a muffliato charm.
But Blaise heard anyways. He slowly opened the door, and wrapped Theo into a hug despite it all, before kissing his forehead.
I know what you're thinking. Don't. You're worth it. Always.
And despite his resolutions, Theo let himself be vulnerable. Maybe, in the end, they'll turn out alright.
(Maybe, he can forgive himself enough to be an active person in Blaise's life again.)
How did you forgive yourself after the war?
It was the most insensitive thing he had ever asked in his life, but Blaise found himself asking it to Draco.
The difference between Draco and Theo was striking, and while Blaise loved his friend - he hated him at the same time. He hated Draco. He hated Draco's relationship with Potter.
How did Draco get away completely while it took forever to ensure that Theo was only in Azkaban for a year? How was Draco doing fine while Theo remained closed off to the world?
Draco had looked Blaise in the eye and told him that he never forgave himself for anything. That his cheerful demeanor was all a façade, and that no matter what, he would always blame himself for the things that had occured.
That angered Blaise to no end. How were people like Theo and Draco supposed to forgive themselves for the things that they didn't want to do in a society that hated them?
It was then that Blaise revealed his fears to Draco. His fears that Theo will never be the Theo he once was.
Draco told him that Theo wasn't going to be the same. He just wasn't, and Blaise was told that he must accept it.
But he didn't want to and he never did. It was as if he was being told to give up, and if there was one thing Blaise had learned about love, it was that giving up was never an option. Forgiveness wasn't impossible.
(And over time, they'd paint pictures together and be the happy couple they once were.)
hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry assignment # 8 - muggle history task 7 - eliza schuyler - write about forgiveness
april house challenge - theoblaise
insane house challenge - (emotion) depressed
365 prompts challenge - 247. (restriction) no dialogue
writing club
amber's attic - 16. we have to create. it is the only thing louder than destruction.
showtime - 17. take a letter miss jones - write about someone being loved.
ami's audio admirations - 5. king falls - (word) fall
please R&R :)
-Ana