So...I know my story Unexpected shocked a few people. It sort of did me too. But I ended up kind of falling in love with the Wild Bills as dear Anita has dubbed them. They are sweet and their love makes sense to me in ways I didn't think it would or could. So I have a number of bunnies for them just hopping all over. This one got M rated though I think it has still stayed sort of tasteful...not all will be M rated but they are young and men and they have needs and stuff.
Jimmy stood outside the saloon in a little town called Chester. The trail had led him here. He stood looking into the establishment a good five minutes contemplating his next move. He knew what the move had to be. Taking one final deep breath he moved through the swinging doors with all the confidence he could muster. He nodded to the barmaid to catch her eye as she was heading back to the bar with an empty tray. Jimmy noticed the wary look as she was a pretty girl and obviously spent a good deal of her nights trying to avoid being mistaken for a girl who offered more than beer or whiskey.
"What can I get you, Mister?" she asked with a look that tried to tell him she was not on the menu.
Jimmy held up a piece of paper and a coin.
"This note is for that man over there," he said gesturing across the room to a man engaged in a deep conversation with one of the girls who did not serve drinks. "I don't want to interrupt him. He'll take this better if it comes from a woman."
"He ain't going to get mad at me, is he?" she asked fearfully. That man had been drinking a fair amount and an angry man was bad enough but an angry man full of whiskey was far worse. She'd seen other girls come away scarred bad enough to not be able to do their jobs anymore from angering a man who'd had a few too many.
"Me he'd get plenty mad at," Jimmy answered, "You'd have quite a scene on your hands if I give this to him. He won't get sore with you though. He sure wouldn't show it even if he was."
He handed her the note and then the coin for her trouble before turning on his heel and leaving the saloon. He strode down the boardwalk without allowing himself to look back.
Ruby stood there a moment with the empty tray in one hand and the letter in the other. She couldn't shake the feeling she'd been asked to deliver unwelcome news. Dropping the coin into the pocket of her apron, she looked a while longer at the man about to receive the note. The blond man had his arms tight around Annette and his face nuzzled into her neck as he kissed and nibbled at her. Ruby didn't figure he would be happy about loosening his grasp on Annette, who was far prettier and younger than Ruby, to read a note.
"Sir?" she said weakly but then forced a little more volume from herself, "Sir, you have a message. A man said to give this to you."
He stopped what he was doing and sat still, frozen, with his head still nuzzled into the crook of Annette's neck. He stayed that way a moment like a cat about to pounce on a mouse but then he turned his face to her. Ruby took a step back at the sight of his pale blue eyes. She had braced herself for anger at having been interrupted but nothing could have prepared her for the wounded look within those eyes. She'd seen abused animals with that look before. She could not hold the gaze of eyes with that much hurt and sadness and quickly lowered her own eyes to the folded paper in her hand. Her hand brought the paper forward toward the hurt looking blond man seemingly without her awareness of moving it.
He took the note and nodded a thank you before unfolding the note and turning away from Annette completely. She had been dismissed, it seemed. He blinked as he read and then re-read the note.
"This ain't what you need. Let me help."
It was signed simply 'J' and there was a number beneath the single initial. He uttered an oath under his breath and stood tossing a small amount of money on the table for Annette. She looked at him confused.
"Your time ain't meant to be free," he said softly, "Thanks for the company."
With that he walked out and turned toward the hotel at the end of the street. No one took notice of him when he first walked into the building but the man at the front desk finally looked up and asked if he could help him.
"Nope," Cody answered with a grim look, "Just meeting a friend."
He climbed the stairs and quickly found room number nine, the number written beneath the initial on the note. He knocked softly and then tested the knob. It surprised him by turning easily. His frown deepened as he thought of how careless it was for the door to be unlocked. But he went in anyway.
Jimmy heard the footsteps approaching and willed himself to not grab one of his guns. He knew it was only Cody. It wasn't just that he was expecting Cody or that he had dropped off the note for him, he knew the man's step. He was suddenly nervous. They never had much time together it seemed and so every moment they did share contained extra importance. They had worked out almost their own sign language to say goodbye when one or the other took off on a ride. Nothing anyone else would figure out but maybe it was the way a hat was situated or how one of them would adjust a gun or tug at his gloves. It always meant the same thing. "Come back safe and I love you."
Jimmy stood in the room. He hadn't known how he should present himself. He had thought to undress and wait in bed or even just stand there knowing that Cody usually appreciated his body. But then there was more that Cody needed from him than the physical things they shared though Jimmy knew that might be a very immediate need to be dealt with.
They hadn't seen each other in over a week. Cody had finally been persuaded to tell the others that his mother still lived and was doing poorly. They all agreed, as Jimmy said they would, that he should go and see her and that they would gladly take up any extra work. The mere thought of having a few more moments with their own mothers made their decision for them. Cody was shooed off with their love and blessing. The day before he left, he had been able to get some alone time with Jimmy and they had made the most of it. They always did on the rare times when they could be alone without fear of discovery. It was beautiful and loving but sad as well for Cody who knew his mother would ask if there was a lady in his life and he wouldn't be lying when he told her there wasn't. Still he was in love and he was loved and he knew it would bring her comfort if he could tell her all that. He knew he could not. She would not understand. No one understood. They were alone in this and when it was just the two of them, neither one cared at all about that. But when they had to be together with the others and had to hide their joy, their love from the people who would most want them to have it, it hurt. He had heard the others offer jokes about men who fancied other men. Cody wasn't one of those men really. He didn't fancy other men. He fancied only one and he knew it was the same for Jimmy. Neither of them was drawn to any man but the one he had. In every other part of their lives, they had loved women. But they loved each other deeper than any of those women could have earned from them. Soul mates was a term Cody had heard once and he told Jimmy. They agreed that might very well be what they were.
Since that day, Cody had travelled to his childhood home and been welcomed by his sister. She led him into the bedroom where his mother, even more frail than he remembered rested beneath a quilt that looked to crush her thin form. He was warned in the hall that his mother might not know him, that she had been forgetting even those she saw every day. But she had brightened when he passed the threshold of her room.
"Willie," she whispered, "Willie, is it really you?"
"It's me, Mama," he had replied fighting the tears at how long it had been. He went to her bedside and talked to her for a while. He told her of his work and the people with whom he lived.
"Do you have a girl?" she had asked as he knew she would.
"No girl, Mama," he told her. He could not lie to his mother. "I do have people who love me and are tender to me. I'm loved and I'm happy."
Then she had squeezed his hand just a little tighter as a smile crossed her face before the life left her. It seemed she had just been hanging on to see her boy once more and know he was alright.
Cody sent word back to the others that he would have to stay on a little longer and make the funeral arrangements. His sister had been taking the brunt of the responsibility for their mother's care all this time; he could not in good conscience leave her with this burden as well. He stayed until his mother's body was in the ground and then saw that his sister would be alright and then he left for home. For the station with its ragtag collection of misfits was home. Although not as he once thought it. He had thought for a while it was home because his family was there but he now knew that it was home because Jimmy was there. They might not be able to embrace openly or share a goodnight kiss but just seeing Jimmy made him feel at home. Their eyes would meet before the lamp went out every night and more was exchanged in those looks than in a thousand kisses or all the love poems ever put to paper.
Jimmy heard the words sent by Cody. His heart broke that this man he loved was dealing with the hurt of losing his mother and doing it all alone. He should never be alone to grieve like this. As it happened, Jimmy had a few days off and told the others he had some things to take care of, personal things. He gave a look that didn't allow for questions and there were none. He had ridden off in the direction of Cody's childhood home hoping to head him off, hoping to help him and keep him from doing anything too stupid.
What he saw when he looked into the saloon that night wasn't stupid exactly. He knew that Cody would need to let off some steam and it shouldn't have surprised him to see the man with the pretty girl in the saloon. He had seen Cody pick up women in saloons before but never since they had discovered their feelings for one another. It hurt like he didn't expect it to. He had quickly scrawled the note. He wasn't even sure that Cody would take the invite but he hoped that maybe he would. Jimmy had been standing in the room with horrible thoughts of the man he loved with that woman from the saloon. She was pretty. She was better looking than he was and he knew it. If Cody needed what she could offer then he had no chance at all. It made him ill to think of Cody in her arms, in her bed. As nervous as he felt hearing Cody's step in the hall, he was relieved as well. Cody had chosen him.
More than once, Cody thought to turn and go back to the saloon and into the arms of Annette. She was beautiful with her wavy red hair and glittering blue eyes, shades darker than his own. She smelled of flowers, honeysuckle he thought. But for some reason when he read the note, he knew he had to at least go and see Jimmy, even if Jimmy wasn't what he needed right then. And that wasn't entirely true either. He did need Jimmy. He needed that love and tenderness that was always so easily offered when they were together. But before he could accept that sweet and gentle understanding he needed something very different from what they usually shared. Their relationship had moved to the physical in the first week they had realized their love for one another. Each knew just how to pleasure the other but when they joined their bodies, when one entered the other; it was always Jimmy who entered Cody. That was fine the rest of the time. It was. The first couple of times they were together like that hadn't been the best. But they had made adjustments and learned and Cody now found it pleasurable though they didn't always end in such an activity. Often what could be accomplished with mouths or hands was preferable. But tonight Cody needed to take the control, he needed to thrust himself into someone, feel them tight around him, hear skin slapping against skin and drive himself deeper and deeper into the body of another. That had been the intent when he allowed Annette to sit down next to him and he was just about to suggest heading upstairs with her when the barmaid had interrupted him with Jimmy's note. He had been well on his way to fully aroused and ready to get his grief out with Annette but reading the note, seeing the initial signed below and knowing that Jimmy was waiting in a hotel room for him gave him such guilt about being with Annette that the erection he had been developing was quickly gone.
One more time Cody thought about turning back but by that time he was outside the door.
Jimmy heard the doorknob and tensed. His shirt was hanging open and he worried if that was the right way to greet Cody. He rolled his eyes at himself then realizing how crazy that thought was, like a woman figuring out what to wear to a dance or a church social.
Cody peered around the door to see Jimmy standing there with opened shirt and looking uncertain but somehow relieved.
"You couldn't deliver that message yourself?" Cody asked.
"Didn't want to interrupt if I wasn't wanted," Jimmy said looking down at his feet, "She was pretty."
He cursed himself for how jealous he sounded but then he was jealous.
"She ain't you," Cody said softly and that was really the reason he was there. For whatever he thought he needed, she was not Jimmy and he would always need Jimmy even if that meant changing his ideas of what he thought he wanted or needed. If he needed to take the lead, Jimmy would let him even if it wouldn't be how he imagined with Annette.
"Was worried that might've been the whole point."
"Might have been when I first went in there," Cody admitted and knew that was it exactly though not like how Jimmy thought it was. "Is that why you're here, Jimmy? 'Cause you thought I'd be with someone else? 'Cause you're jealous?"
"Ain't why I set out to find you," Jimmy told him, "I knew you'd be hurting and I knew when you got home I couldn't comfort you without everyone knowing things they can't know. I thought if I could find you I could have some time to take care of you. I couldn't bear the thought of you being all alone and hurting like you must be."
Cody had never cried in front of Jimmy or any of the others. He'd wanted to a few times. Everyone feels the need to cry sometimes after all. He'd only ever seen Jimmy cry once when Bull Dog died and really all of them felt like shedding tears at that time. All of them had, just most of them had been able to do it privately but then they understood that Jimmy had maybe in many ways gotten closer to Ambrose than any of the rest of them. Cody didn't want to cry in front of Jimmy. He had been more vulnerable with this man than with any other soul, he thought but he still did not want to cry in front of him. What he wanted didn't really matter because with Jimmy standing there arms open to him and telling him how he shouldn't be alone in his grief, the tears just came.
Jimmy knew the pain was there inside of Cody and he knew the man probably needed to cry and if there was ever a time when there was no shame in a man's tears, it was when he loses his mother. Jimmy wrapped his arms around the other man and held him tight. They shuffled together toward the bed where they could sit down and Jimmy could hold Cody all the tighter. After a while Cody seemed to return to his senses and pushed away from Jimmy. He stood and stalked to the window wiping his eyes on his sleeve as he went.
Watching Cody stalk away and try to hide his grief as if there was shame in it tore at Jimmy's heart. He stared at the man for a moment formulating what to say next.
"You know you don't need to act like that," he finally said, "She was your ma. I still cry over losing mine."
"I ain't ever seen you," Cody answered defiantly.
"I know," Jimmy whispered, "It's wrong of me to hide. I guess it's just habit. We get used to hiding our feelings, like we don't have 'em or something."
Tears were welling in Jimmy's eyes as he spoke. They sprang from a combination of his memories of his mother and the pain he now saw in the eyes of the man he loved.
"We try so hard to act like we don't feel anything, like we're so strong. We think that's going to change the fact we haven't had control over a damned thing in our lives. Hell, that's probably why it took so long for us to be alright with what we was feeling 'bout each other."
"I should've been there for her more," Cody said, his voice breaking, "Yeah I try to play at being strong alright but I was too weak to be there. I left it to Julia. She's had as much thrust on her as I have and I left her with it and ran off."
"You want to tell me another way you was going to be able to send them the money you have been?" Jimmy asked, "Ain't many places you could've earned it. We ain't getting rich but given who we are and what little education we got, it's more'n we'd make anywhere else."
Cody just turned back to the window and stared out at the street below.
"Billy," Jimmy said placing his hands on Cody shoulders. Somehow he could reach this man better when he called him that. He was about to continue when he heard a sound from Cody.
"Will," Cody nearly whispered, "My family, the people who love me most, all call me Will. Except Mama, she called me Willie."
"Will," Jimmy repeated stepping closer to Cody and embracing him from behind to look out the window around the side of the other man's head. "I like that. I guess I probably shouldn't call you that too much at home but I like it." He kissed the side of Cody's head and then rested his own head back on Cody's shoulder. "What I was going to say is that the job, like a lot of things, is just one more thing you didn't have control over. We been pushed along all our lives by things we can't control."
Jimmy hugged Cody tighter to him and reached one hand up to lightly stroke the man's soft blond hair. He looked at the reflection of the two of them in the window and wondered, not for the first time, how someone so beautiful wound up in his arms.
"We done all kinds of things, you and me, trying to get some control over our own lives only to find more things choosing our way for us. I thought the guns was my ticket to making my own choices but you see how that turned out. I guess you got more choices now that you really do only have to support you."
That thought had only just occurred to Jimmy and it scared the daylights out of him.
"I think fewer choices," Cody said, "But they're my own now, maybe. I know I can't leave you."
"I do know how you're feeling," Jimmy told him, "You're feeling like the whole world is just happening to you and you want to be what happens to it for once. You need to take control of something. That's why you was thinking about heading upstairs with that girl, wasn't it?"
Jimmy felt the head nod against him. He knew it might come to this but he knew he was ready and whether he was or not he also knew he would do anything that Cody needed him to do. That's what love was about he decided.
"I know just what you can take control of," Jimmy said so softly in Cody's ear, "I'm right here. You don't need her. Whatever you thought you needed to do with her, you can do with me."
Cody whirled around not believing his ears. Maybe he had been wrong to assume that how their relations had been was how they would always be. Maybe he had only needed to ask if he had wanted something else from time to time. He was instantly aroused at the mere thought of what he thought he heard Jimmy offer.
"Jimmy?" he asked, "It sounded like you was saying…"
"That is what I'm saying, Will. It's exactly what I'm saying. The control is yours."
The words were barely out of Jimmy's mouth when it was claimed firmly by Cody's. Jimmy felt the hands pushing his shirt off of his shoulders and then working to unfasten his pants. By the time the kiss ended Jimmy was standing naked in front of a fully clothed Cody. He could see the outline of Cody's arousal in the front of the man's pants and was unable to stifle the shudder at the predatory look in his lover's eyes.
Cody raked his eyes over Jimmy's body which was responding to the anticipation of what was to come. He knew Jimmy was afraid. So few would ever hear a confession from Jimmy when he was afraid but Cody'd seen it plenty of times. It takes someone constantly covering his own fears to see them in another. However frightened Jimmy was, he faced what was to come as he faced another gunman in the street. It was Cody's turn to shudder as thoughts of all the times he could have lost this man flooded back to him. Jimmy was right; too much of his life had been out of his control. Tonight was in his control. Jimmy was in his control. That thought made him strain even harder at the front of his pants. He placed his hands on Jimmy's chest and pushed the man lightly toward the bed and onto it. Taking a step back he began to undress slowly. Cody knew that Jimmy loved his body and he loved watching Jimmy's reaction to seeing his body revealed.
Jimmy sat back on the bed and watched the show. As much as he was enjoying watching Cody disrobe, he knew that this was not for his own benefit. He knew this as he saw Cody take in every reaction he had and saw Cody's body respond in kind. At last he was looking upon Cody unclothed and aroused. The fear tried to creep back up within him at the sight of Cody's hardened manhood. He knew what was to come, what he had offered. It was something he had thought about more than a few times. He had hoped to try this new experience in a different manner, maybe one where he was more in control. But he trusted Cody. No matter what Cody needed, he would not hurt him. Running his eyes over Cody's body he fell further back on his elbows.
"Damn, I always forget what just the sight of your body can do to me."
Cody pushed Jimmy flat on his back on the mattress and climbed onto the bed to kneel there. Jimmy looked at him as if asking what he wanted. This was not how things normally went with them. They usually were a mass of limbs all reaching for what they desired. But this was different and not just for what they were about to do but for how Jimmy was trying to give him the one thing he had too often lacked: control. Cody took Jimmy's hand and placed it on his arousal and then lowered his mouth to Jimmy's need. He heard the gasp from Jimmy and the hand gripping him tightly, rubbing slowly up and down his length. Cody sighed and took Jimmy deeper into his mouth as he began to let his hands wander. His fingers trailed over Jimmy's hip bones and down the muscles of his thighs. Slowly he ran his fingers over the insides of Jimmy's thighs prodding him to part his legs farther. Cody felt the tensing of those legs and released Jimmy's erection. He trailed his tongue up Jimmy's belly and across his chest. Cody knew the apprehension Jimmy was feeling. He understood and not just because he had felt it himself. He knew Jimmy so well. Finally Cody rested his head next to Jimmy's and whispered softly to him.
"I won't hurt you. I promise," he said sincerely. He wouldn't either. He knew how to keep Jimmy feeling enough pleasure to negate any pain. "And you don't have to do this. I know it ain't what you want."
He had to give Jimmy the chance to back out. Sure what Jimmy had offered was sure to feel good but he couldn't ever bring himself to do what this man clearly didn't want. Need for control or not, that just wasn't how they were together.
"You're wrong," Jimmy said softly, "I do want it. Been wanting it a while now. Didn't know how to say it maybe and I'm nervous but I do want this. And you need it."
As if to prove his point, Jimmy spread his legs wider and set his jaw. Cody could see the tension in every fiber of Jimmy's being. It just wouldn't work like this but he climbed between Jimmy's legs anyway and just knelt there gently rubbing up and down the other man's thighs.
"Just do it already," Jimmy said through gritted teeth.
Cody kissed his way up Jimmy's chest until he was face to face with the man he loved. He was rubbing his groin against Jimmy's.
"Baby," he began and that got Jimmy's full attention for him. They never used terms of endearment like that. Never 'baby' or 'sweetie' or 'honey'—it just wasn't smart. If they got any kind of used to using terms like that, they might slip up in front of the others. There would be no way to explain if one ever called the other 'darlin' or something similar. But Cody knew he needed Jimmy's attention and furthermore he needed to use a gentle term with him. To love someone and not have any of the normal things that others in love had just wore on him sometimes. He wanted to call Jimmy 'baby' and he wanted to kiss him goodnight and he wanted to worry openly when Jimmy was on a run. He wanted to fuss over every time Jimmy was hurt and he couldn't do any of that. If tonight was his night to take control he was damned well going to at the very least call this man who brought him such comfort, who loved him so deeply, 'baby'. "Baby, you have to relax. We both want this but it ain't going to be any good for either of us if you don't relax."
As he spoke he planted kisses along Jimmy's jaw and up and down his neck and finally finished with a deep kiss on the mouth, his tongue roaming of its own free will. He felt Jimmy's arms wind around him and marveled once again at how safe Jimmy could make him feel, how cared for. He had been hurting and he supposed he still would be for a while but there was no way that Annette or any other random person he met and paid to be with him would ever be able to help him feel better. Jimmy loved him and that was what would ultimately heal him. The world was tricky for them and they had to hide so much but times like this when they could be together and he could rest safely in Jimmy's arms, the world fell away and didn't exist anymore.
Cody could feel Jimmy's tension melting and pulled back to kneel between Jimmy's legs which had spread farther apart. He lifted Jimmy's thighs onto his own and began to push forward, pausing at Jimmy's sharp intake of air.
Of all the things to make his head swim, Jimmy thought, Will calling him 'baby' wasn't anything he ever expected. He was a grown man and it shouldn't make anything better for another man to call him 'baby' but then it did. It made everything better. There was so much in that word. There was love, there was Cody letting down his guard and there was a promise of being cared for. He suddenly found his fear leaving him and if he was honest, Will's tongue in his mouth didn't hurt the situation any. Jimmy started to regret this choice when Will—in his mind he would always be Will, like a special name only he was allowed to use even though he knew it wasn't truly the case—began to push into him. But then he paused and Jimmy looked up into those clear blue eyes. Those eyes and the man they belonged to would never hurt him. He let out the breath he was holding and reached for Will's hand.
Cody had stopped but then Jimmy looked up at him and smiled. He felt the man relax even more and then saw him reach out. Cody took his hand and then continued to enter Jimmy. He pushed forward slowly taking in every sensation. He had never felt anything like this before. Once encased within Jimmy he looked down at the man to see a strained look.
"You okay?" he whispered.
Jimmy tried to nod but he didn't look all that okay. Cody moved the hand that wasn't laced through Jimmy's fingers and began to gently caress Jimmy's stomach. He worked his way down to what had once been very hard and now was softening quickly. He stroked and rubbed until it began to harden and while he was doing that he worked a slow rhythm in and out of the man. Once he had gotten Jimmy hard again he took a moment to shift his angle inside him. The next slow thrust forward he saw Jimmy's eyes fly open but not in pain. Cody smirked. He knew what that felt like and he knew it was damned good. He kept stroking Jimmy and thrust again hitting that same spot knowing that he was getting it right when he heard the moan escape Jimmy's lips.
When Will had fully entered him, Jimmy was once again thinking this was a bad idea. Well, that wasn't as much what he was thinking, he was really trying to remind himself that this was what Will needed and that even if it hurt something awful that it would be worth it. When he felt the hand close around his manhood, it helped a bit. It was more distraction than anything else but it was a real nice distraction. And it was enough of a distraction that he didn't notice Will moving within him until he shifted and hit some spot inside him that nearly blinded him with pleasure. When he hit it again, Jimmy could not contain the moan that let Will know he was doing something right.
Cody saw Jimmy's head fall back against the pillow and quickened his pace in and out and also his hand on Jimmy's erection. He could hear half formed syllables coming from the other man and suspected they might be an attempt at words but no words were actually formed. This only drove him faster and harder. He could hear their skin slapping together and then heard a sound that was equal parts groan and growl before feeling the heat flowing over his fingers in ribbons. It was only a matter of a few more thrusts before his own release was flowing into Jimmy. Cody collapsed forward and into Jimmy's arms. He tenderly kissed Jimmy and rolled over onto his back.
Since their earliest times together, Cody had always fallen asleep with his head resting on Jimmy's chest. It was comforting in ways he could not express but that wasn't what he needed then and he pulled Jimmy over to him and cradled the other man's head to his chest. There were no words for a while as they both needed to catch their breath. Cody stroked Jimmy's hair and kissed the top of his head.
"I love you, you know," he said softly into the long brown hair.
Jimmy wasn't sure he could even find words. Nothing prepared him for what had just happened. This relationship was still fairly new and took its strides so slowly that he never really felt like he had a bead on who he was within the couple. Before he had been the comforter, the strong, the leaned upon. He had set out the evening to change that for the night. He wanted Will to feel some power over his own destiny or at least over some aspect of his life. Now he was a man delighting in having been called 'baby' and perfectly content to be held and cared for. He suddenly felt he couldn't hold Will tight enough. He nodded against the strong and muscled chest and knew that there were tears escaping his eyes and rolling onto the skin of his lover.
Cody tightened his arms around Jimmy.
"Did I hurt you, baby?"
Jimmy shook his head and then looked up at Cody resting his chin on the other man's chest.
"I just realized how much I stand to lose if you ever decide you don't want this anymore. I-I'm…well, I'm…scared."
The last word was little more than a whisper and he wanted it back as soon as it passed his lips. Admitting fear was akin to having a death wish in his world, or at least in every other part of it.
"Baby," Cody began, "Sweetheart, I will always want this. I will always want you. It ain't even about how good it feels kissing you or, well the other things we do. I never been loved like this, never been this safe, this cared for. I didn't even know I was missing that or needing that until you. I get scared every time you ride away or every time you strap on those guns. I know what tries to come after you. I can't lose you. I feel like everywhere else I am just existing. I eat and sleep and breathe in and out but I ain't alive until it's just the two of us together. I ain't real until I'm in your arms. I ain't worth anything until you look at me in that way you do."
Cody took a breath and trailed his fingers lightly down the side of Jimmy's face.
"I will always want this and you and how way I feel when I am with you. Look at tonight. I was going to go off with some nobody I never saw before and never will again and it wouldn't have meant a thing and it wouldn't have really made me feel better. But you come in and offer me the chance to be with someone who cares and understands and loves me and is with me because he wants to be not 'cause I paid for it. I love you, baby, I really do."
"Don't think I mentioned it before," Jimmy whispered, "But I like you calling me that. I kind of wish you could all the time. Hell, maybe I could even call you darlin' or honey…but I damned well know that can't be. You do too. We can't take chances like that. I never thought anyone would love me, you know, truly love me. And now that someone does I got to keep it a secret. Don't seem quite fair." As he spoke his voice became tense and growling and his hands balled into fists. Cody stroked his hair and kissed firmly on the top of his head whispering, "It's okay, baby."
Jimmy relaxed and nestled deeper into Cody's chest before continuing. "I love you though. I love every minute I can steal with you. I love every time I catch your eye before the lights go out in the bunkhouse and I know you love me and you're close. I love every time you come back home and I can take your horse and we can talk quiet in the barn for a few minutes while we tend to him. I love riding into the station and seeing your face. It's never been more like home than it has since I knew someone loved me like this."
Cody just held Jimmy tighter. They both stood to lose everything that made their lives tolerable if the other was ever taken from them. It frightened him sometimes how the smallest slip could be the end of their world but then it made him feel better sometimes to know that neither of them was going to break this off. They needed each other and the love found in each other's arms like flowers needed water and sunshine.
Eventually they fell asleep together. When they woke in the morning, they would collect their horses and head for home. They would work out a story of where Jimmy had gone and how he had just happened to run into Cody. The others would buy it because there would be nothing in either to suggest deception. They would keep their distance. There would be no terms of endearment, no pet names. There would be no unnecessary physical contact. There would be good natured ribbing and the occasional near fight as one or the other pretended to take offense at something. There would be the one long look at bedtime. The look that spoke everything they could not say out loud when surrounded by so many other ears. There would be the little signs, the tug on the gloves, the rolling of a sleeve, the things that said to be careful and remember someone waited for them, someone who loved them more than anything. And there would be more stolen moments when they could go off and no one would know they eventually met up. Afternoons spent gazing at clouds, talking about the life they would have if only anyone could accept their love. And yes, afternoons spent kissing and making love. It wasn't perfect but it was the closest they ever figured to find and they would take it because the alternative was unthinkable.
I hope everyone found this enjoyable. I need to thank the Bills for sharing their story with me. Their love kind of breaks my heart because of the societal constraints. They are very sweet though. Anyway, while not actually the inspiration for the story, this song was running through my head while I wrote so I thought I would share...This song is very special to me. In fact a quote from part of the chorus was on the front of my wedding invitations. So...I know some still have trouble with this pairing and some are warming to it. Just let me know how I am doing with them. They are feeling a little vulnerable right now...as am I.-J
All I Have – Beth Neilson Chapman
You can say you love me
And I'll believe that's true
Trusting you is easy
'cause I believe in you
There is nothing I would miss
As long as we're in love like this
Chorus:
All I have is all I need
And it all comes down to you and me
How far away this world becomes
In the harbor of each other's arms
[ Lyrics from: lyrics/b/beth_nielsen_chapman/all_i_ ]
I feel like I've known you forever and ever
Baby that's how close we are
Right here with you is where my life has come together
And where love has filled my heart
You know I'd go anywhere
As long as I have you to care
Chorus
Ooh-and with the love you bring
I never want for anything
I found what I've been searching for in you
Chorus