Phantasy Star Universe – 150 Things I'm not allowed to do and seven stories that support it.
This came to me during the middle of my other story, and I've polished it up a bit.
I am not allowed to:
Call Tonnio Shrimp. It does not end well.
Inform Nav that he is a filthy old man and needs a shower. He is amused, but everyone else is not.
Tell everyone Hyuga is secretly gay. He is not amused.
Tell everyone Ethan is secretly gay. It ends with me getting mauled savagely.
Shove the two previously mentioned teens into a closet.
~Even if Karen pays me.
~~Especially if she pays me.
~~~It's not worth dying for.
Really, it isn't.
Kiss Alfort Tylor. No matter how hot he is. It usually involves getting shot.
Kiss Leo. His wife will end you.
Set Hyuga up with Maya. As funny as it is, it ends badly.
Ask Tonnio if he is old enough to be a GUARDIAN.
Kiss Ethan and Hyuga. Or even better, make them kiss each other.
Run around in my underwear. There are more pedophiles in the GUARDIANS than Nav.
Inform Lou that she has a virus. She takes you seriously.
Frighten kids with horror stories of how Laia teaches, even though every single one is utterly true. It is not funny or right to scar children so early.
Tell everyone that Ethan and Lumia have sex. It is not true and can get you killed with extreme prejudice.
Tell Hyuga that he is adopted. He freaks out and Ethan is not amused.
Tell Mina that Hyuga secretly hates her. She takes it personally and Hyuga shall kill you.
Announce 'Hug a SEED day'. People think you're nuts, though SEED do appreciate it.
Tell Vivienne that it's possible to become a human. She takes you seriously, and then is upset. And an upset Vivienne is like kicking a puppy.
Steal the Landeel. Tylor will end you. Slowly.
Attempt to bribe Tylor. Takes far too much time and money. It amuses him and leaves you with an empty wallet.
Tell the Illuminus that they are 'Annoying twatwaffles'. No matter how funny Ethan finds it, they will end you.
Give Laia a whip, and when she asks you what you are doing, reply with, 'I'm trying to see you in leather torturing your students.' Everyone else thinks it's funny but her.
Inform Light Master Rutsu that he looks like a transsexual.
~Even if he does.
Talk Ethan into acting like Hyuga. Hyuga was not amused, but everyone thought it was hilarious.
Tell Kraz to lighten up. He is insulted.
Mock Chelsea's French accent. She is not amused.
Inform Yut that there is pudding next door. He takes you seriously.
Follow Hyuga and make odd sexy noises every time he opens his mouth. He is not amused, but everyone else is.
Ask Hyuga out every three minutes. He will kick your ass.
Inform Ethan that Lumia and Hyuga are dating. He takes you seriously.
Inform Tonnio that he has severe issues and needs to grow up. Everyone else thinks it's funny but him.
Eat any of Maya's food. Ever.
Inform Hyuga that he is under a betrothal contract with Ethan after convincing his father to play along. Everyone but Ethan and Hyuga are amused. They are most certainly not.
Talk Hyuga into flirting with the male population. It will not end well.
Inform Tonnio Leo recruited him because he's a shotacon. It does not end well.
Not compliment Maya's cooking. Pain is involved.
Sing the pink panther theme song every time you see Chelsea. She is not amused.
Hack Nav's system so every time he opens his mouth, the NumaNuma song comes out. He is amused. Not everyone else.
Attempt to break into the GUARDIANS research division. Dancing mushrooms are involved.
Force Tonnio into the uniform. You will spontaneously combust.
Never tell Chelsea to 'Break the bubbly' during a party unless you want to blow the place up. The boss will not be amused.
Ask Chelsea to dress as a French maid. Your life will be short. Or she'll agree to it after tearing you half to death.
Call Ethan an idiot redhead. I dare you. You shall find out the hard way why he's the worst boss ever to fight.
Place a 'Kick Me' sign on Ethan's back. He is not amused.
Insult Tylor in the presence of rogues. They shall end you.
Inform Ethan that Hyuga is giving Lumia a hands-on demonstration of the 'birds and the bees'. He will end Hyuga.
Pretend to be Hyuga's pet. Everyone but Hyuga shall be amused. Hyuga will brain you. Or actually use it.
Tell everyone (Especially Mina) that Hyuga is a god in bed, but is even better drunk. Hyuga will stab you, boil you in lava, stab you again, and turn you the right shade of crispy for a De Ragan.
Yell 'The Illuminus is coming, the Illuminus is coming!' while running in the halls. It will get you killed.
Tell everyone Hyuga is royalty. It is funny but wrong when they all treat him reverently.
Ask Hyuga out at the same time you ask Ethan. They will murder you quietly in your sleep.
Make Clad 6 enter battle mode for the hell of it. It gets you fired.
Snicker every time Hyuga eats something. He will eventually snap and kill you.
Ask Hyuga to marry you. He thinks you're crazy.
Kiss Tylor and then slap him and say he's too sexy for his own good. Tylor is amused, but the rest of the Rogues are not.
Pretend to have a Vegas wedding with Ethan and talk Hyuga into playing along. Everyone but Ethan is amused.
Call Tonnio Yoda every time I see him. He is not amused.
Get Tonnio drunk and tell him that he spent the night with me in my bed. The wrong conclusions will be made and he will freak out. It is not funny and it is wrong. I'll do it again tomorrow.
Whisper 'Eeeevillll' into Ethan's ear when he's asleep. He will punch you and keep sleeping.
Ask Tylor out. While he is amused, everyone else is not.
Ask Hyuga if he would like to go to a clam bake. If he says yes, laugh hysterically. If he says no, ask if he prefers a sausage fest. Laugh hysterically when he figures it out. Then run.
Call Hyuga the best thing that ever happened to you and look proud. When they ask, inform them Hyuga has slept with you.
Inform Ethan that his father is alive. It's supposed to be a secret.
Yawn widely during Laia's lectures. It's funny but wrong.
Ask Ethan to kiss Hyuga. It shall get you brained.
Give Lumia yaoi. Ethan shall end you.
Give Hyuga a glass of milk and stare at him while he drinks it. He is not amused.
Cling to Hyuga's leg and beg him for a repeat of last night. He will not be happy, and Hyuga will brain you.
(69. Hah.) Call Hyuga over. When he asks, tell him that you wanted to see him come. He will not be amused. Ethan shall find it too funny for words.
Start a betting pool on when Ethan and Hyuga will finally kiss each other. They do not find it funny and shall kill you after taking the money.
Inform Hyuga that he is too sexy to wear clothes and force him out of them. Everyone but Hyuga is amused.
Yell 'Booyah' every time I walk through a door. It does not amuse the general population and will get me shot.
Fall out of my chair and into Ethan's lap and claim he saved me. He finds it funny as hell, but it will get me kicked out of class because Laia has no sense of humor.
Call the Landeel the worst ship you've ever seen. Tylor will end you.
Ignore Helga during a critical moment. It ends you.
Talk Hyuga into going out with you. He develops Stockholm syndrome.
Squeal at the worst moments. It gets you shot.
Call Ethan cute. He will end you.
Inform Laia that she must have had an extra bowl of bitch flakes that morning. She is not amused, but her former students find it hilarious.
Inform Headmaster Nav that you are his escort service for the day. He is amused, but everyone else is not.
Kiss everyone you meet mouth to mouth. See how fast you die.
Inform Headmaster Nav you have a pet Pannon and shall call him Fluffy. Nav will freak out, but everyone else shall be amused for once.
Ask Ethan if he ever went on that date with Hyuga. Hyuga shall brain you and Ethan will be laughing too hard to answer.
Give Tonnio sugar. It turns him into the ballistic missile from hell.
Call the Communion 'twatwaffles'. It is wrong, horrible, not funny, and makes Ethan laugh. I'll do it tomorrow.
Ask to see what Nav looked like in his early years. He looks like Ethan.
~Go fetch brain bleach now.
Stick Hyuga in a dress. He shall not be amused and he will brain you. Ethan shall ask for pictures.
~Do not give him the pictures.
~~No matter how much he asks.
Talk Tylor into going out with Liina. Tonnio shall be heartbroken. Then he will kill you.
Ask Hyuga what it was like to turn into a SEED-Form. Ethan shall murder you and Hyuga shall look depressed. A depressed Hyuga is a very terrible thing to see.
Sob hysterically, and when Hyuga asks, say tearfully, 'Mina yelled at me!' He shall take you seriously.
Mimic Lou. Such behavior is not approved for work situations. Humph.
Yawn all of the time. All of the time. It will get you killed.
Dress like Hyuga and act like him. He shall not be amused, but Ethan shall.
Tell Lumia that Ethan looks good in a dress. She will then attempt to find out if it is true. Ethan will find out and kill you. It is wrong. Don't do it. I'll do it again tomorrow.
Sing loudly, but badly along to the radio, and announce proudly that you took lessons once enough people start twitching.
Ask Ethan to go to the GSA during the summer. He will not be amused when he finds out that in the Gay Straight Alliance, everyone is gay for him.
Compare Hyuga to Bridget. When people realize who that is, hide. Hyuga shall hunt you to the ends of the earth.
Ask Tylor if he would like to come with you for a bit. When he says yes, giggle perversely. He will be amused once he figures it out, but the rest of your companions shall not be, unless they go by the name Ethan Waber.
Ask for a hug from every person you see. Eventually, one shall kill you for persisting.
Hand out flyers proudly stating that the Illuminus are looking for new members.
Call Ethan snuggle bear. He shall not be amused.
Dress like a Lolita. As stated above, there are more pedos than Nav.
Offer everyone a glass of 'milk'. Someone will get it and kill you.
Inform Ethan that Lumia is pregnant. He will freak out so badly that people on Neudaiz will hear him.
Whimper every time you sit down. People will look at you funny, then look horrified. Don't do it.
~Really, don't.
Ask Hyuga if he would like to play baseball. If he says yes, laugh hysterically.
Have Lumia Google Ethan Waber. Ethan shall not be pleased, and Lumia shall ask him if that is what he does for a living.
Give Tylor a picture of him and Ethan kissing, and then beg him not to tell the fanclub.
~Seriously, those women (and guys) are scary.
Squish Ethan with a breast hug. When he protests, ask him in a hurt tone 'So you don't like women anymore?'
Give Hyuga a container of Altoids.
Carry a Rod with a piece of mistletoe with you at all times. The general population will not be amused.
Wear an outfit from the Moulin Rouge and offer everyone who passes a lap dance.
Run screaming every time you see Nav. He is not amused, though everyone else is for once.
Call Ethan a sexy, sexy beast. He will not be impressed, but Hyuga will die laughing.
Ask Tonnio out. He will kill you.
Offer Hyuga a kiss in exchange for a hug. He'll think you nuts, but he'll hug you.
Pay Tylor to kiss him. He will be amused.
Beg for a cookie, and if people give you one, mimic a Pannon. They shall run screaming.
In early morning, run out of the HQ screaming 'Laia's kidnapped Leo!' Cue the fireworks.
Preform the 'dope-slap' on Ethan any time he says something stupid. Prepare to duck.
Do the 'Flying Tackle Hug' on Howzer. Prepare to die.
Drag Ethan into a closet with you and talk him into 'Seven Minutes in Heaven' with you. Prepare to be stabbed, mauled, or kissed senseless.
Ask Hyuga if he'll be your escort service tonight. Then run, when he recovers from his shock.
Grab Tonnio's bracelet and hold it over his head. When he asks for it back, tell him to jump for it. If you don't get stabbed, congratulations are in order (If you do, too bad.)
Laugh hysterically anytime someone mentions SEED. The general populace is not amused.
Talk as many people as you can into mimicking SEED-Forms. The result is hysterically – I mean, not funny in any way, regardless of the reactions of the flash mob and Ethan Waber.
Call Lumia a frozen fish with enough frost to see from Moatoob. She will blast you with a fire TECHNIC.
Ask Tonnio what it was like to be able to walk under Maya's skirt in Maya's presence. They will both kill you.
~After they kill Karen for laughing so hard.
Ask for a low-fat-sugar-mocha-espresso-latte the next time Mina asks if you want something.
Offer Hyuga a whip and ask him to 'punish' me. He might actually do it. In public.
Ask Tylor to do me a favor. He doesn't 'do' favors.
~Unless you pay him.
Inform the rogues that with the exception of Tylor, they are all pricks. Tylor's a genuine dick. Once they figure it out (and Tylor stops laughing so hard), run BITCH, RUN.
Ask Tylor how long he can give a girl some fun. When he answers, ask if he wants to break the record.
~When he stops laughing, make sure to look hurt and ask him if he doesn't think you can take it.
Ask Tonnio why he doesn't like Ethan. You'll be stuck there for a month before he gets into the serious stuff.
Cling to Ethan's arm for a day, and when he asks, tell him that he is your lucky charm because he has red hair, green eyes, a temper and he's rich.
~Ethan will sigh and let you stay there. His fangirls, not so much.
Show Hyuga the delights of yaoi. I advise superglue to keep him from going after you and killing you.
Fall out of your chair and land on your ass during a meeting, and ask Ethan if he'll kiss you better. After Hyuga and everyone else dies laughing, hope he won't kill you.
Ask Leo if he'd give you his cherry. If he says yes, laugh hard. If he looks confused, laugh harder.
Ask Tylor if he'd like to preform Nantaimori for you one day. When he figures it out, laugh and run.
~Nantaimori – body sushi (male)
Ask Hyuga if he's a virgin. Count to ten and prepare to die.
Poke Leo until he snaps. It's not pretty.
Cling to Tylor and tell the Vol Brothers when they attempt to remove you; 'The voices in my head don't like you . . .' Tylor will find that too funny for words, and they will not be amused.
Call Ethan Tylor's bitch. Ethan shall not be amused, but Tylor will be.
Speak in innuendo all the time. Eventually someone will kill you to shut you up.
Every time you see Tonnio, squish him with a breast hug. The result is terribly – I mean, not satisfying or humorous in any way, regardless of the reactions of the general populace in general and Maya in particular.
Dress in a skimpy outfit and inform Tylor you will be his servant today. When he stops laughing, I advise hiding in his ship.
Ask Light Master Rutsu exactly how he thinks anyone can get work done when he dresses like a giant prick.
Inform the world that the Communion masks are actually super-secret masks that help make people smarter. Then laugh when the rouges fall for it.
Giggle whenever someone asks for something.
Inform the Illuminus that you know everything about them. Then run like hell.
Rinse and repeat.
11#: Run around in my underwear. There are more pedophiles in the GUARDIANS than Nav.
Kotone stretched out, well aware that everyone was staring at her. She smiled sheepishly at the staring masses, looking wearily at the many men who were watching with just slightly too much interest to be normal. Soft footsteps registered, and Lou was frowning down at her. Kotone gave her a meek smile.
"Someone broke into my house and stole everything," Kotone muttered quietly to her. "This was all I had." Lou simply blinked, and nodded sharply.
"Understood," Lou decided upon calling Ethan over. "Give her your jacket." Ethan looked a bit rebellious, but obediently handed it over, leaving him shirtless.
You could hear women swooning for miles.
17#: Announce 'Hug a SEED day'. People think you're nuts, though SEED do appreciate it.
Ethan stared at the crazy little Newman who was cuddling a tiny little Pannon, and tried to make some form of sense of what he was seeing.
'Hug a SEED Day!' was proudly emblazoned on her shirt and the sign. She smiled hopefully up at him and offered out the Pannon, who chirped at him and extended its stubby little arms towards him hopefully. Ethan sighed and hugged the small, squishy SEED, who gave a delighted chirrup and snuggled into his collar. Ethan tried not to sigh again, watching as she found a shirt in his size and gave it to him, pulling another Pannon out of the box of chirping Pannons.
He still had that Pannon, happily nested somewhere under his desk.
31#: Inform Tonnio that he has severe issues and needs to grow up. Everyone else thinks it's funny but him.
"You need to grow up!" Kotone yelled at Tonnio. Everyone watching burst into snickers, unable to help themselves, and the look on Tonnio's face promised pain. It promised lots of pain. Ethan was glad to say that Kotone was at least smart enough to know that now would be a good time to RUN.
47#: Pretend to be Hyuga's pet. Everyone but Hyuga shall be amused. Hyuga will brain you. Or actually use it.
Hyuga stared at the girl sitting in the middle of the commons. She was dressed in a latex leotard and had a pair of cat ears attached to her head, along with some heels that had to be illegal somewhere, and a leash was in her mouth. Hyuga watched her crawl over in shock, while everyone else snickered. She stopped in front of him and nudged his hand with a head, leash still in her mouth. Hyuga took it numbly, and a laughing Ethan walked up, hooked her up to the leash, and handed the leash over to him.
"I advise to take advantage while it lasts," Ethan smiled. "Thoroughly," He added with a grin. Hyuga watched him leave and looked down at the kittenish Newman. He knelt down to read the tag.
Hyuga's property, so back off! Hyuga wanted so badly to smack her, but decided on a better revenge.
Taking advantage, just like Ethan said.
98#: Ask Tylor if he would like to come with you for a bit. When he says yes, giggle perversely. He will be amused once he figures it out, but the rest of your companions shall not be, unless they go by the name of Ethan Waber.
"Hey, Tylor, will you come with me for a bit?" Kotone asked nonchalantly, twirling a strand of hair around one finger. Hyuga glared at her, and Ethan's lips twitched. Tylor shrugged, lifting one shoulder higher than the other.
"Sure, it might be fun." At Tylor's admission, Kotone giggled, flushed only slightly. Tylor paused in the sharpening of his sword, and tried not to laugh too hard. Ethan had no such reserve, and Hyuga produced a spectacular face-palm, groaning. I am surrounded by idiots, Hyuga thought with a groan as he left the room.
124#: Grab Tonnio's bracelet and hold it over his head. When he asks for it back, tell him to jump for it. If you don't get stabbed, congratulations are in order (If you do, too bad.)
"Damn it woman, give me my damn bracelet back!" Tonnio yelled at her, reaching desperately for the slim line-shield bracelet. Kotone gave a sardonic snort, holding it both away from her and higher up.
"Jump for it, bitch," Kotone deadpanned to the furious adult. Tonnio growled slightly at her, and Ethan started snickering. He jumped, grabbed it, and stalked off, muttering unpleasant words under his breath.
129#: Ask for a low-fat-sugar-mocha-espresso-latte the next time Mina asks if you want something.
"Oh, hello Kotone," Mina greeted happily. "What do you want?" Kotone yawned, peeked at her, and opened her mouth.
"You got a low-fat-sugar-mocha-espresso-latte?" At Mina's bemused shake of the head, Kotone sighed. "Then I don't want anything." Mina mouthed the words to herself. She sighed, and got onto her work, wincing sympathetically when Kotone walked into five people, a table, and a doorframe before leaving safely.
145#: Every time you see Tonnio, squish him with a breast hug. The result is terribly – I mean, not satisfying or humorous in any way, regardless of the reactions of the general populace in general and Maya in particular.
"Tonnio," Kotone squealed, pulling him up into her chest, despite his muffled protests. "I missed you!" Kotone proceeded to continue squishing the terribly embarrassed Beastling into her chest, cooing to him all the while. "Did you know that the colony's way too boring without you? Of course you did, I'm being silly about that, and I was wondering . . ." Kotone continued her babbling, ignoring the hysterical laughter of one Maya Shidow and the rest of the population's snickers.
"Air," Tonnio managed to squeak, finding himself removed from the warm squishiness of her chest as she began to fuss over him.
"Oh Tonnio baby, I'm sorry!" She apologized, gently hugging him once more. Tonnio's cheeks were flushed scarlet, and everyone continued snickering.
He was so going to murder her.