For every important moment in his life, there was only one thing on the tip of his tongue. Three words. Three words that one day he promised himself he would say. If he ever had the goddamn balls to do it.
The first time he tried was after Sarah Rogers' funeral he and Steve had stood together on the fire escape. Three words. But the look on Steve's face… the grief he was so obviously feeling. No. This wasn't the right moment.
He said nothing.
The next time he was about to go to war. But how would that be fair? What if he died on some battlefield in the middle of France, leaving Steve alone wondering if he was ever going to come home. So he simply said goodbye, and turned his back before he did something stupid.
He said nothing.
When they next met everything went by so quickly he barely even got a chance to say hello. And besides, the way Steve looked at Peggy… the way she looked at him. No. He had missed his opportunity.
He said nothing.
He was falling, and Steve was reaching for him. But it was too far now. He was going to die, and he never got to tell him… if only he hadn't been such a damn coward.
He couldn't say anything.
Hydra put his brain in a blender. A face occasionally appeared in his dreams, but he couldn't quite place it, or remember why his heart swelled so much when the face materialized.
He didn't remember what he wanted to say.
The ship was crashing, he knew that much. And the face from his dreams… he was right there, lying in the rubble with wounds that he knew he had caused. There was a crash, and the man was falling and he didn't know why he did it, but he jumped after him. He swam him to shore and as he was about to leave those three words appeared in his head. But why?
He left before he could say anything.
It took him months to figure out who he truly was. His name was James Barnes, but people had called him Bucky. Bucky. And the face… his name was Steve. They grew up together, fought together in a war that was so long ago. He bought as many books as he could afford, and read about battles that he himself had been a part of. He read Steve's life story several times, and each time wanting to know more and more about how he too had made it to the future. He started to envisage the next time they saw each other.
In every scenario he would say something.
He didn't expect it so soon. Suddenly the whole world was looking for him, and Steve was stood in his kitchen just staring at him. And yet Steve fought for him; fought his closest friends for him.
But he still said nothing, the words refusing to form.
And then they were in Wakanda. And he was going back under the ice and Steve looked devastated. Even when he knew he would not see Steve for god knows how long, the words still refused to come.
He said nothing.
But then he was awake, and within several days he was stood with the king and Steve was right there and he looked so damn handsome with his longer hair and the beard. They could almost be matching. He returned Steve's embrace with so much enthusiasm, but there was once again a war on, and Steve had bigger things to worry about than him. But those three words were now just begging to be spoken. Steve had to know one way or another.
He was so damn close to saying it.
The mad titan had snapped his fingers and all hell was breaking lose around them. He locked eyes with Steve as he realised he too was slipping away.
"Steve…" he managed as he watched ash float past him, but it was too late. The last thing he thought as his body turned to ash was those three stupid words, but he never said them. He had so many opportunities to say them. Hundreds. Probably thousands.
I love you.